Chapter 1: Kate

When Ziva woke up, she not immediately knew where she was. It was dark around her, and she was not lying, but sitting, and she rested on what seemed to be a desktop, a hard and plain surface.

She was about to rise her head and look around, but something … she re-mained motionless, listening hard. There was no sound, yet she sensed something – or somebody – being in the room with her: An enemy? Who else would sit in pitch black, maybe only waiting for her to awake and move? Slowly and silently she reached for her gun, but it wasn't where it should have been, and the same was true, as she realized, for that one she used to carry at her right ankle and for her knife … somebody had disarmed her.

She bit her lip, tense and angry with herself. How had she ended up in such a strange situa-tion? She didn't know where she was, how she had got here, and trying to remember she realized that her memory was strangely foggy … what was the last thing she remembered before she had woken up here? She just couldn't tell! But it was not the time to ponder rid-dles, now she had to act, doing nothing always was the wrong choice.

Suddenly a small lamp was switched on, illuminating a desktop next to her, and a calm and friendly voice said: "About time you wake up, Ziva."

There was no threat in this voice, not even hidden – the former Mossad officer was used to recognize things like that. She relied on her instincts and, casting a quick glance round, sat up to look at the woman opposite to her. She was the only other person in this room, which now had been revealed to be the bullpen at NCIS HQ. In fact Ziva was sitting behind her own desk – and the other woman sat behind one, which had long since left unused, one desk, she had not been allowed to use when she had joined the team, despite the fact what its rightful owner would never need it again, would never come back. Somebody was sitting be-hind Kate's desk, watching her out of the shadows.

Ziva felt anger rising inside her. She had never known Caitlin Todd, since she had joined the team after (and because) Ari had killed the agent, but her team-mates often talked about her, especially Abby and Tony. She had come to understand, as time had gone by, why Gibbs had forbidden her to use Kate's desk, and now somebody was just sitting there, somebody who did not even belong to the team. "Identify yourself!" she ordered sharply.

There was a small noise in the dark, like someone chuckling, then the lamp was turned to cast its light on the other woman's face. "Special Agent Caitlin Todd, NCIS."

Ziva stared. She recognized her all right, having seen her on various photographs: In Abby's lab, on Tony's screensaver … McGee carried one in his purse and had gone to an impressive shade of purple when she had noticed it, and even Gibbs … But it could not be her nevertheless: She was dead, shot straight through the head by Ari to torment Gibbs, and so she had had no other choice than to kill her brother – not because of Kate; she had done it to save Gibbs' life, but she knew that for him her deed had always also had the meaning of revenging Kate.

Gibbs was the only person who knew that she had shot Ari; for her safety the official report had stated him responsible, so the Hamas wouldn't come after her. Here in the US the was quite save, but when one day she might go back to Israel, things would be differ-ent. Gibbs had covered her up, like she had backed him up that night in his basement, when Ari had waited for him. Ari, who had been absolutely convinced that Gibbs would never trust her – and who had been wrong.

"Bullshit!" With one fluent movement Ziva was on her feet and diving for Gibbs' desk – he always kept a gun in its drawer, loaded and ready, and maybe … Bad luck! Whoever the woman was, she had done her work properly: The drawer was empty.

The woman pretending to be Kate Todd had in no way reacted to her attempt, she just leaned back, smiling. "Please relax, Ziva. I'm really Kate Todd – and I don't intend to harm you."

"Would like to see you try", Ziva said between gritted teeth and leaned against Gibbs' desk in what she hoped to seem a casual way. True, the other had made no attempt to attack her yet, but what was not the reason for her to temporarily playing along with her. Obviously her opponent had foreseen her reactions and taken precautions against them, so the best she could do was to wait, gain any information possible and take the first opportunity to eliminate the intruder – or just put her out of action. "So", she asked businesslike, "you claim to be Kate Todd."

The woman only nodded, smiling.

"What is complete nonsense, because she's dead."

The woman nodded again. "I know, better than anyone. Your brother got me right in the mid-dle of my forehead. And then he went for Abby, for Director Sheppard … tried to kill the women around Gibbs to cause him maximum pain before finally killing him. But you stopped him, you saved Gibbs – and the others. And I want to thank you for that, Ziva!"

The Israeli was shocked. Nobody knew that she had killed Ari, nobody knew he had been her brother, nobody but Gibbs, who would never have told it anyone. Even Jen was oblivious to both these facts … and still there the woman sat and casually mentioned it, thanking her for having revenged her death? It was absurd, it was impossible, and suddenly she felt the urge to slap herself round the head like Gibbs would have done had he known her even for a split of a second considering such an ridiculous possibility.

But … she knew that face, having looked at it countless times, having even seen it in her dreams, haunting her, and she knew that voice. She had watched videos of interrogations, and once she had by accident listened to one of the sound files Abby kept on her computer: Her and Kate giggling like little girls about some joke they had played to Tony using Abby's equipment … on that occasion she had been really relieved that she had managed to get out of the lab without Abby noticing her, but she had never forgotten the shaking shoulders and silent sobs of the forensic-specialist.

She knew, a part of her, what it was Kate sitting there – and she knew that it was absolutely impossible. Ziva shook her head in confusion. "But …" She didn't know how to voice the mess of thoughts and feelings in her head, and in this case it had nothing to do with the language.

The other woman's – Ziva didn't dare to think of her as "Kate" – smile broadened. "You don't believe me, because you think it's impossible – and on the other hand you want to believe me, right?"

Now it was Ziva's turn to nod.

"Well, the solution is quite simple, but let me ask you a question first: What's the last thing you remember before waking up here with me?"

That was a strange question, Ziva thought, but tried to remember nonetheless. Her memory was still uncertain, pictures kept appearing and disappearing in her mind without any sensi-ble order, blurred images that mingled like sparks and wisps of smoke out of a fire, like a whirl descending to unfathomable depths. A frown appeared on her forehead as she concen-trated harder, tried to force her memory to come back, and then something happened: Slowly first, then quick and quicker the vision cleared, everything seemed to glide back in place, and suddenly Ziva remembered – not each and every detail, but the major line of events.

"There was … we went to an area in the outer districts", she whispered, partly for the other woman to hear, mostly to herself, because she somehow assumed, "Kate" already knew the story. "One of Gibbs' sources had tipped him off that a group of weapons dealers might be found there we were already searching for months. They had somehow smuggled military armoury out of Navy base, weapons, explosives and stuff, and Gibbs suspected a mole in-side the navy, someone helping them." She smiled. "He thought the best way to find ‘the rat', as he put it, was to stir up things a little and just wait and see who would get nervous.

Unfortunately, Commander Barks, in whose department we suspected the leak, wasn't pleased at all. He went to his superior, and this superior, some Admiral Whatshisname, went straight to Jenny – who, such as it was, had no choice but to order Gibbs to handle the whole affaire with care and caution." Ziva shook her head in disbelieve as she remembered the scene. "You should have seen Tony's face! You know Gibbs! However, when the tip came, Gibbs went straight for it – not without backup, though; ten NCIS-Agents were to support us." Re-calling the events, Ziva had closed her eyes – now they snapped open. "It was a trap, an ambush!"

"Yes, it was."

"We entered the fabric building", Ziva continued slowly, her voice barely audible. "Gibbs and I with three agents took the front door, Tony and McGee with three others were to com from behind, the other four had order to prevent anybody from leaving or entering the building. At first everything seemed to be deserted, everything was dark; then we noticed that one room was light, slowly we approached – and suddenly we were under fire!" She paused. "I'm not sure what happened then … two agents fell … Gibbs shot one of the attackers, I think, and I know I got at least one other, but …" Her voice tailed away.

"You did shoot one", the woman confirmed. "You, Gibbs and Agent Smith were in trouble, the weapon-dealers had you cornered, there was no way out, and you knew Tony and McGee would be in a similar situation. It didn't look good, you were outnumbered three to one, and when you realized that you were about to be overpowered, you did what you always do, Ziva: You acted.

You told Gibbs to aim for the light bulbs, and when the light lessened, sneaked out from the barrels you three were hiding behind and made for your enemies. Gibbs, who under his breath called you names I've never heard him use before, covered your advance, and so you managed to get to close-combat range unnoticed. You killed two dealer without their accomplices realising it, and a third one you got with a knife-throw, but he still had time to shout a warning. At this moment, Gibbs an Smith came for your aid, and together you took down the remaining weapons-dealers, although Smith was shot in one leg and Gibbs got one into his left shoulder. When it was over, you were about to leave and go searching for Tony an McGee, because the battle was still going on somewhere – when you noticed one of the dealers you thought to be dead moving and aiming for Gibbs."

The woman sitting behind Kate's desk draw a deep breath. "You did what I have done, Ziva: You protected him with your body."

The Israeli felt the blood leaving her face. Quickly she had to fully sit on Gibbs' desk, fearing her knees to give way. "I'm … dead?" she whispered.

"No, no!" The woman put up a hand and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shock you. No, you're not dead, you're lying in coma. The bullet went right through your vest – cop-killer, they had. You're seriously injured, Ziva, but you're alive, and I'm quite sure", with this, Kate gave her a small wink, "I'm quite sure that you'll fully recover!"

Ziva struggled to understand what she had heard – and what it meant. "So … I'm in coma and you are … I mean, this is … some kind of dream or hallucination?"

"Maybe. But does that matter? You may be hallucinating, dreaming or go through another kind of experience … fact is, you're not really here in the HQ, but lying in a bed at Washing-ton Memorial Hospital – and I'm not here, too. But …"

"But where are you?" Ziva just couldn't suppress the question, but Kate only smiled an wrig-gled a finger. "T t t, Ziva, aren't you Jewish?" The Israeli felt herself blush. "As far as I'm in-formed, the concept of life after death does not exist in Jewish faith – and my information comes from a very reliable source, believe me."

"Alright, alright! I won't ask any more questions about … these things." A little confused she tried to come back to the topic. "What you're saying is that I've no possibility to find out for sure, whether I'm just imagining or dreaming or …" She didn't finish the sentence.

"For sure?" Kate laughed. "No. It all comes down to what you believe – to faith. But as I said before: It doesn't matter."

Suddenly Ziva realized that at some point during the last minutes she had started to think of the brown-haired woman as Kate, had accepted that she was Kate Todd – and it really was completely irrelevant whether all this only happened inside her head or … it just didn't matter.

At this moment the whole room was bathed in light, the ceiling lightning had been switched on. Ziva was blinded for am moment, and when her eyes had adjusted, she for the first time fully saw the woman she had heard so much about. She could see why Tony had been impressed (more impressed than he was by any skirt): Kate was more than pretty, she was beautiful, and Ziva, trained and skilled in judging people, sensed a inner strength that impressed her. She now understood why Kate had been Abby's best friend – their eccentric forensic expert would only accept someone as a friend who had a personality to match her own. And Gibbs reaction …When she had got to know him better, his highly emotional, almost irrational reaction to Kate's death had seemed less and less characteristic to her.

Her team leader always controlled his emotions – always! She had seen him in situations when not only he himself, but also his team and countless other people had been in mortal peril, their living or dying depending on his decisions, to be made in a split of a second – and he always had appeared unimpressed by the pressure, been cold to the heart. She only could remember two occasions, when his control and self-discipline had failed: The grief for his dead wife and daughter when he had awoken from the coma after getting hit by the blast of an explosion – and Kate's death. Why hadn't she realized it before? Gibbs had been …

"Hey!" Kate clapped her hands and Ziva jumped. She had completely forgotten her. "Sorry."

"No problem." Both women exchanged a look an smiled. Then Ziva followed an impulse and held out her hand. "I'm really glad to meet you, Kate."

"So am I, Ziva", answered Kate, took her hand and shook it. Her grip was firm and self-confident, and Ziva returned it the same way. When they both let go, it was kind of an awk-ward moment, as neither of them seemed to know what to say or do now. They remained silent for some seconds, then started to speak at the same time – and instantly fell silent again. "You first", offered Ziva.

Kate nodded, but took her time, as if thinking about the best way to begin. "You don't – hate me any more, do you?"

"I've never hated you, Kate!" Ziva said quickly. "Never! But I …" She also searched for the appropriate words, which was not an easy task. "At the beginning, when I became member of the team, my feelings for you were … complicated. They all missed you terribly, Gibbs would have kicked my out again the very first morning, if Jen hadn't stepped in, an he like everyone else would let me feel that they didn't want me in the team, that in their eyes I was an intruder, was responsible for your death – I had been Ari's control officer after all, I had been convinced of him being innocent and tried my very best to stop Gibbs going after him. I can't blame them, nor could I then."

Ziva's face had gone sad and tired. "Especially Abby gave me a hard time." She sighted. "I mean, Gibbs is bad-tempered even in his best mood, to everyone, but Abby … She was always friendly, trying to comfort Tony and McGee, even to make them smile again sometimes, but to me … she was cold, aggressive, offensive; she called me responsible for your death, treated me like an enemy."

She swallowed hard. "We are getting on better by now, but I'm afraid she still hates me." Kate wanted to interrupt, but Ziva shook her head. "I was angry, Kate, angry an jealous! It was like … they all would have loved to have you back instead of me, you were always there, like a ghost, and I had no chance, I'd always be compared to you …" She draw a deep breath. "Slowly, very slowly, things im-proved. Gibbs trusted me from the beginning, and I one day lost my patience with him and demanded to be treated with respect … I think that in some way impressed him …"

"O yes, it did! No one ever before had dared to stand up to him like that. When you stopped the elevator, you already had won the game, because you played his part in it. And if there's anything that impresses Jethro Gibbs, it's someone standing her ground. – But go on …"

"However, the first one to accept me except Gibbs maybe was McGee – I've no idea why, though, because he really adored you … Did you know he carries your photo in his purse?" she asked. "Of course you know."

Kate smiled. "He told me once I was his super-hero."

Ziva smiled back, but it was a crooked smile, and her eyes remained sad. "Ducky of course is nice to everybody, his British politeness never fails him, but I think he also came to accept me. Tony played his little games and jokes on me pretty soon, but it took a long time until this was more than just habit, until it meant something … and Abby …" Her voice tailed away.

"I felt guilty!" she suddenly burst out. "And I still feel! If only I had been more on the guard, if I hadn't let Ari fool me! If I had believed in Gibbs' reports, if only I had helped him instead of trying to protect Ari! If only I …" Tears were running down her face, she buried it in her hands. Her whole body trembled, and under her hard sobs her words were barely under-standable. "If I only … I could have saved you, Kate! I could have … I'm so sorry, Kate! For-give me, please forgive me!"

"Shh." Gently Kate laid her arms around the crying woman, trying to comfort her. "There is nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault, nor Gibbs', nor anybody's but Ari's – it all comes down to him. If anybody else was to blame, it would be me." Ziva raised her head and stared at her in disbelieve, but Kate only shrugged. "I could've killed him before, as you well know, but I didn't – I couldn't. His eyes …" She shook her head. "He fooled everyone, Ziva, not just you, and he hoodwinked the Mossad, the FBI and the NCIS – except Gibbs. There is nothing you could have done", she said again, "so stop feeling guilty about my death! I don't blame you – it's time for you to stop blaming yourself!"

Slowly Ziva regained control over her emotions, her guilt and her grief. Wiping her face with a sleeve, she stepped back and intensely looked the other woman in the eyes. "Thank you, Kate", she said in a trembling voice. "This means …" Her throat tightened, her voice failed her. "Thank you!" she whispered hoarsely. And Kate nodded. She completely understood.

Again some time passed in silence, the Kate began: "You said before you feared Abby hated you … I know she doesn't, and I can proof it to you, if you want to."

Despite of being quite sure about Abby's feelings towards her, Ziva was getting curious. "And how would you do that?"
Kate winked at her – and suddenly all the TV screens in the bullpen sprang to life, while the light was dimmed. They showed a room, evidently in a hospital, and in the bed, that stood in its centre, Ziva recognized herself, lying unconscious and looking pale and weak. The sight made her shiver, and she gave the woman next to her a uncertain glance – relived to see her smile reassuringly. "You look bad, I know, but you will be alright, trust me!"

Next to her bed Ziva perceived several well-known persons: There was Tony, sitting right at her bedside, apparently talking to her, with an encouraging attitude. Beside him sat McGee, who was watching Tony, looking worried an tired. Ducky seemed to check something on a monitor on the other side of her bed, a slight frown on his face. Abby was standing far away from the others at the window, looking out … and Gibbs, as she noticed disappointed, was nowhere to be seen.

But before she could ask the question she had in mind – Where is Gibbs? Why is he not at my side like the others? –, Kate waved a hand an like a camera the picture moved, until Abby's face filled the screens. She was crying silently, tears running down her face, black and grey because of her make up, a sign that startled Ziva. Never had she thought that Abby would react in such a emotional way, would be that shaken by her being injured.

"You see?" asked Kate. "And listen."

Suddenly a small voice filled the bullpen, Abby's voice, broken by sobs now and then and sounding almost desperate. A first Ziva assumed the Goth was silently talking to herself, but then she realized, the words were directed to somebody else … "She's praying? To you?"

Kate seemed al little uneasy, she shrugged. "She often talks to me when she's lonely, or sad, or afraid …" Ziva nodded and turned her attention back to Abby's voice.

… there's anything you can do! Please help her! She mustn't die, I don't know if I could stand it! Not again! You know it isn't the same, Katie, you know I'll always love you! She'll never mean anything like this to me, but she's a friend, and I … I've to say I'm sorry, sorry for slap-ping her and sorry for everything else I did to her! I blamed her for your death, Katie, an that was just unfair. I couldn't help it, it hurt too much, and accusing her and treating her like I did eased the pain a little, but it was wrong, because it wasn't her fault, and she even tried to help me get along and to be there for me, but I wouldn't let her, and if she wakes up I'm going to tell her everything and apologise and I think we can become friends. But she mustn't die, please help her! Gibbs won't be able to stand it, either! He thinks nobody knows, but I saw him: Every night he's sitting at her bedside, holding her hand till dawn, and the coming back to work – he hasn't slept for days, and if Ziva doesn't wake up soon, he will crack! Please, Katie! Katie ... I miss you so terribly! Every day I hope you'll just come walking in an saying "Hey, Abs, I'm back! Everything just was a fake, I had to go undercover for some time, but now I'm back with you!", and every night I'm dreaming of you lying next to me, and then I wake up crying in an empty bed. How could you just leave me here alone? How could you … I loved you so much!

The voice faded and the picture froze. Ziva felt herself crying again, and in Kate's eyes also shimmered tears. "You and Abby …"

"Yes. Nobody knew, partly because of Gibbs' Rule # 12, partly because I wasn't ready yet, not prepared to move to the public, to come out. But Abby was the love of my life, and I'll always love her and look after her as good as I can!"

"So you're kind of a guardian angel?"

"Didn't you say you would not ask questions about these things anymore?" Kate reminded her. "Fact is, I, being dead, can do very little to protect her – and this is where you come in."

"Me?"

"You, Ziva. What I want to ask you to do is to look after them in my stead."

"After them?"

"After Abby – and after Gibbs. The others will get along, even if it's hard for them, too. But Abby is at the brink of giving up hope – she thinks about committing suicide, Ziva, to be with me again!" Kate's voice was filled with fear, and with determination. "I will not let this happen, if I can help it, and I need you to help me! Help me to save her."

"I will do everything I can, whatever needs to be done!" Ziva promised. "You have my word for it! But what's about Gibbs? He wasn't there, and Abby …"

"… said he was sitting by your bedside every night till dawn, holding your hand." Kate contin-ued. "Look for yourself."

The screens sprang to life again, this time showing the hospital room in darkness. A small ray of light fell through the glass of the door and illuminated the room just enough for Ziva to make out the dark figure of a man sitting at her bedside and indeed carefully holding her right hand in his own. If she hadn't known it was Gibbs she would not have guessed, let alone recognized him: His head and shoulders had sunk as if a great weight was pressing him down, and nothing of the energy and determination normally surrounding his person was to be sensed. He looked like someone who is about to break down.

"I'm sure he does not pray", she said in an attempt to cover how the picture was disturbing her.

"You're right", Kate told her dryly. "He's not talking to God, he's talking to you."

And now Ziva could hear the familiar voice, only it didn't sound familiar at all. Gibbs wasn't crying – he was Gibbs, after all! –, but she had never heard him sound so … defeated. He actually spoke to her unconscious form, slowly and with long breaks between the sentences:

"When we first met I really didn't like you, Ziva. You were trying to stop me going after that bastard who killed … You were so goddamn stubborn and so absolutely confident about Ari being innocent and you doing the right thing! You had no idea how you pissed me off!" In the bullpen Ziva couldn't help but smile. "But I quickly noticed you were an excellent officer, and a person who would do what's right, no matter the consequences, no matter how painful it might become; I disliked you and trusted you the same time.

So when I needed someone to entrust my life to, I chose you, and you did not let me down – you've never let me down, Ziva. You gave me your word, and when you had to choose between my life and the life of your brother, between a man you scarcely knew and a man you loved, you stuck to it and saved me by killing him. I didn't know he was your brother. But had I known … I still would have asked you.

Now you've saved me a second time – not to talk about all the other occasions in the normal line of work. You brought me back to the States, I came back to help you, to pay you back, but with calling me back from Mexico, you in fact helped me. You prevented me wasting my life, throwing it away there on the beach, and now I'm back where I belong, only because of you. But if you die now, giving your life to save mine – that would be a bad treat. Mark my words, Ziva: If you die, I'll take the first plane back to Mexico, cast my cell phone into the sea and nobody will ever see me again. When Kate died … Don't you die, Ziva David! Please don't die."

Ziva was moved to the core, to the depths of her heart. She had known Gibbs trusted her, respected, even valued her, but she hadn't expected this; the extend of his emotions simply threw her. He had even compared her possible death to Kate's – not in spoken words, but she knew him: It was always more important to listen to what he did not say … and thinking of Kate, she remembered the impression she'd had, the conclusion she'd drawn earlier: "What was there between you and Gibbs?" she asked. "His reaction to your dead …"

"You're a observant person, Ziva", Kate answered. „He always felt attracted to me, and I …" She smiled slightly embarrassed. "When he made me a member of his team, I simply fancied him, very much like at school you fancy that one guy two years ahead of you who is captain of the basketball team and dates all the cheerleaders … I mean, he's just the alpha-male in the pack, he's just … Gibbs." She gave Ziva a quick look. "But why am I telling you … After some time my feelings for him became more and more serious, and some day I noticed that I was more to him than just a co-worker …" She sighted. "But before things could even start to develop between us, Gibbs put a stop to it by explaining Rule # 12 to me …"

"'Romance between agents never works'", quoted Ziva.

"Exactly. It took some time before I figured out his reasons for being so strict about this stu-pid rule: Gibbs has been hurt far too many times by women, and he has suffered far too much pain when Shannon and Kelly died – he's simply afraid of love. He has his affairs all right, but he always avoided the women who really meant something to him … He never told me what he felt for me, because he feared the possibility of loosing me, of me being killed in the line of duty."

Kate shook her head. "I'll never understand how a man as intelligent as Gibbs can be that stupid: Now I was killed – but was his pain any more bearable because he never told me?" She looked Ziva straight in the eye. "You ask him from me! What did he gain by hiding his feelings? And you warn him: He's about to make the same stupid mistake again!"

The Israeli returned her gaze and searched in the woman's brown eyes for confirmation. Did she really hint was she thought she would? Could it be? Ziva opened her mouth, but Kate shook her head. "It's time for you to depart, Ziva, time to go back. Remember your word, but I know you will. Take care off the team for me, especially off Abby and Gibbs. Tell Gibbs what I just told you, that he's about to repeat a mistake. Say hallo from me to McGee and Ducky, and tell Tony I'm still having an eye on him. And as for Abby … Do tell her I don't want to see her the next fifty years! I want her to live and to be happy as she deserves it! I'll be waiting for her in eternity – and tell her I'll always love her!"

Ziva's vision obscured, the room darkened, and out of the darkness she heard Kate's voice, quietly and very close to her, like a whisper in her ear: "Goodbye, Ziva David. And … thank you."

"No!" Ziva shouted. "Wait! There's so much …" She felt herself rising, or falling, she couldn't tell, propelling through blackness and void, and a great tide of tiredness was washing over her, laying on her body and mind. "Thank you, Kate", was all she could say – or had she just thought it? She didn't know. Everything was dark, and she was so tired … "Thank you, Kate."


t.b.c.

Chapter 2: Abby

"Thank you, Kate."

It had been just a whisper, barely audible, and Tony wasn't sure at all if he had understood rightly. He looked at McGee, and the look on the other man's face confirmed him. "You heard it too, didn't you?"
McGee nodded, looking confused. "She said … ‘Thank you, Kate'."

Tony shrugged and bend over Ziva's unconscious form, taking a closer look at her face. It seemed to him as if she was struggling to open her eyes. "Go and get a doctor, Probie", he ordered, smiling. "I think she at least is coming back to us."
And as McGee headed out, DiNozzo again focused his attention on his injured team-mate. "Come on, Zee-vah", he said, deliberately pronouncing her name the way he knew it would annoy her. "You've
had a long enough time-out! And I'm through with doing your work for you, I've enough to do with my own!"

Her eyelids moved, but her eyes remained closed. "Gibbs …" she whispered.
"No, Ziva, it's me, Tony. But talking of Gibbs: You really have to wake up, because neither me nor anybody else can stand this any longer! Gibbs bad mood, I mean. He gives us hell every day …"

The door opened and the doctor came in, closely followed by McGee and Ducky.
"Is she awake?"
"Not quite", answered Tony, "but I think it won't take long now. She spoke again … asked for Gibbs this time."
"Yes … where is Gibbs?" asked McGee, while the Doctor was checking Ziva's vital functions. The young agent's voice carried more than a hint of accusation. "Why's he never here? She saved his life, after all."

"That would be", came a severe voice from the door and made everybody jump, "because NCIS isn't closed while Officer David is recovering, Agent McGee. Somebody has to do the work." Gibbs came briskly walking into the room. "And don't apologize!" he snapped as McGee began to do so. His expression considerably softened, however, when he looked down at Ziva, and when he questioned "Doctor?", his voice was almost friendly.
"She's about to wake up. Her pulse goes stronger now, and more regularly." The doctor, a man of Gibbs' age, but jovial and good-tempered, smiled at each of them in turn. "As I said before: Your Officer David will fully recover."
Broad and relived smiles answered him form every face – or almost. While Tony was clap-ping McGee on the back so forcefully he almost caused the younger agent to stumble, while Ducky was shaking the doctors hands with fever, Gibbs left without showing any sign of re-lief. He just strode out of the room without looking back and was gone.

"What the hell is gone into him lately?" All the good mood was suddenly blown away.
"I don't know, Anthony", Ducky sighted, "not really. He has not been himself ever since he came back from Mexico. I think he's still shaken …"
"Yep. And his memory is still screwed up, too", Tony agreed. "Remember him calling Ziva ‘Kate'? That was the day when …" He made a vague gesture in the direction of the bed.
"But he is recovering", McGee reminded them. "At least his stupid moustache is gone!"
"Well, that's good news …" came a weak voice from the bed. They all turned in surprise to see Ziva looking at them, a small smile playing around the corners of her mouth. "It's about time we got the old Gibbs back." She looked at her team-mates – and noticed somebody missing. "Where's Abby?"


---


Abby Sciuto was at home. She just couldn't stand being anywhere else now, least of all in company. She kind of would have liked to be with Tony and the others at the hospital, but she felt she had no right to be there, not after how she'd treated Ziva. And beside that … seeing her like that had brought everything back again, the pain, the grief … it was like seeing Katie lying there, but Katie hadn't survived, hadn't been that lucky. On the one hand she was glad and thankful Ziva had survived, she had prayed for it, knowing that she wouldn't be able to cope with another loss, on the other hand she felt the irrational urge to blame her for surviving. Katie was dead, Ziva lived, it just wasn't fair! She knew it wasn't fair either to blame Ziva, but couldn't help doing so nonetheless. And worst of all: She couldn't talk to anybody about her feelings, since nobody knew what Kate had meant to her.

Under normal circum-stances she would have talked to Gibbs, told him everything from the beginning and he would have listened, would have understood and made her feel better, but this wasn't an opportunity now, since Gibbs … he was the reason she wasn't in her lab, working to busy her mind. She just couldn't stand the tension, couldn't endure his bad mood, his harsh orders, his snapping and barking, even yelling at her because of trifles … so she was sitting at home, in a corner on the floor in foetal position, head resting on her knees, far beyond tears and car-ing for anything or anybody. Least of all for herself.

She in no way reacted when she heard the doorbell ring, she didn't want to see anybody. She didn't answer to the persistent knocking that followed the bell, she just buried her face in her arms and wished not to hear anything anymore, never again. It would be that easy to just finish the pain … to take some pills and never wake up again … to forget all her grief, all her guilt, and be with Katie again and forever. So easy … why hadn't she done it yet? Everything she needed was at hand … She considered the consequences, as she'd done countless times: There were her colleges … for them it would be hard, she knew, for all of them – maybe except Gibbs, she thought bitterly, knowing at the same time it wasn't true –, but they'd get along, they had each other, after all. She had tried long enough now, fought hard enough to go on without Katie, she just couldn't hold on any longer. There was a time for everyone to give up, it all had been far more than she could bear. Maybe they would under-stand …Yes, she would do it this time, and she would do it now!

Abby was about to get up – and fell back in shock. Ziva was standing right in front of her, pale as a ghost, looking down at her with sad eyes full of compassion. "Hey, Abby", was all she said.

Abby just gaped at her, dumbstruck. Was she beginning to see things? Three days without food and sleep could do this to people, she knew, and the sedatives she'd taken some time ago (hours … days?) surely didn't help either … or had Ziva died and was now haunting her? This didn't seem inappropriate … She closed her eyes for a moment an took some deep and steady breaths, but when she looked again, nothing had changed.

Ziva looked down at her, just as shocked as Abby was by her sudden appearance. The fo-rensic expert looked terrible: Even paler than usual, although she obviously hadn't bothered with make-up lately, hair and clothes untidy as if she had been sitting there for days, and her eyes … Ziva knew that look. She had seen it far too often back in Israel, in the eyes of peo-ple, women and old, who had lost all there relatives to suicide bombers: Despair – and the entire lack of hope.

It was one week since she had woken up again, and only yesterday she'd been allowed to leave hospital. She'd had time enough to consider how best to fulfil her promise to Kate, and it hadn't taken her long to realize that Abby needed her most. More than Gibbs, who not a single time had visited or even called her. Tony had told her the boss was working fourteen to eighteen hours a day, trying to find the mole in Commander Barks' department and to hunt down the remaining weapons dealers. He had killed the one who had shot her, but some of their attackers had managed to escape, and he suspected the man who plotted the whole crime, the ‘mastermind', as Tony had put it, was still at large.

Neither Tony nor anybody else had been able to understand why she had been so unimpressed by the fact what Gibbs didn't seem to care at all whether she recovered or not, they all had called him names of which ‘bastard' had been the most frequently used, and the least offensive. Ziva always had remained quiet, had probably changed the subject … to hide from the how hurt she was. That was one reason. The other was that she knew what Gibbs had done while she'd been in coma: Ducky had told her in secret how Gibbs had been at her bedside every single night since she'd been shot, holding her hand – and so she was hurt and grateful the same time, angry about his apparent lack of concern and moved by a behaviour that showed far more than just concern. That was strange and complicated and confusing, and so she decided to deal with it later. First things first, and Abby first of all.

Another decision she'd made was not to talk to anybody about Kate before not having talked to Abby. Tony, Ducky, McGee, they all could wait, even Gibbs could … Abby had to be the first person to know about her experience and about the message Kate had chosen to deliver to her by using Ziva. And that was why she was now standing in the middle of Abby's living-room, looking down at a woman she remembered to be full of live and energy, jumping up and down, unable to stand still for just a second, making everyone smile around her with her cheerful attitude or with a hug … it might have been a completely different person.

"May I?" She sat down on the floor, facing Abby, who was still staring at her, and considered her next words. "You look terrible, you know."
"Ziva …" whispered the raven-haired woman, unable to believe it.
But the Israeli just continued. "When did you eat last time, Abby?"
That struck her by surprise. "What?"
"Eat. You know, food is quite useful to remain strong and healthy. You should try it from time to time." With this, she got up again. "The kitchen's over there, right? I hope you like soup … and maybe scrambled eggs with bacon …" she added, like an afterthought.

"Ziva." Abby tried to get up, too, but had just collapsed if Ziva hadn't quickly stepped forward and steadied her. Her head was swimming, the room rotated around her and she closed her eyes to regain control and will the weakness away. When she opened her eyes again, her gaze was steady and anger and confusion mingled in it. She freed herself form the suppor-tive grip and stepped back. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Looking for you", Ziva answered calmly. "Tony told me you hadn't been at work for ten days, that you wouldn't answer to calls nor to the doorbell. They all are really worried, and as I'm not allowed to go to work, I thought to pay you a visit and ask why you didn't come to visit me in hospital."
Abby looked at her, feeling guilty, and was relived to see her smile. "How did you get in?" she asked quickly.
"Picked your lock", was the casual remark. "Didn't think you were the only one who could, did you?" Despite still being confused and angry, Abby couldn't help but smile. "And now you wanna cook for me?"
"Yes. Do you come with me or stay here?"
Abby shook her head and gave in. "Coming."

For the next half hour she sat in her own kitchen watching Ziva boil water, wash, peel and cut the vegetables she'd brought with her, potatoes, carrots, broccoli and other, fry the bacon and prepare the eggs. Then they ate in silence, Abby being to confused to talk, Ziva not wanting to put any pressure on her. She just watched her closely and silently. Abby on the other hand still struggled to realize, to understand what had happened: One moment she had been about to give up entirely, to end her life … and now she was sitting here, with Ziva, eating vegetable soup and scrambled eggs, feeling more alive than she'd done for weeks. And she tried to figure out why she had come, after all she'd done to her … it should have been the other way around, Ziva being the one who had almost been killed an lien in coma after all.

Suddenly she put her spoon down. "Ziva …" she began, uncertain how to voice her feelings. "I'm … glad you've recovered, glad you've survived. And I'm sorry …" But she was in-terrupted. "It's okay, Abby. Really."
"No, it isn't. I should've …"
Ziva wouldn't let her speak. "Now you eat, then you sleep, and then we talk. Deal?"

Abby realized that all backtalk would be useless and nodded. And she noticed in surprise how effortless that woman managed to impose her will on her: Nobody usually told her what to do (well, except Gibbs, of course), and she never used to follow, at least not quietly, and certainly not without backtalk. But there was something about Ziva, a quiet self-confidence that made her feel save and guarded and taken care off in a way she hadn't experienced since …

And yet it was different: Kate had been a strong personality all right, but her strength had been hidden most of the time, and she had doubted it sometimes, unsure of herself. And as a result of that uncertainty, Kate had tended to hide her strength, had hesitated to show and use it. Ziva … her strength was like an ancient blade covered with a delicate sheet of silk, invisible, but detectable nonetheless … like a Japanese katana, Abby thought, which didn't have to be drawn to protect, because everybody knew what could be done with it, how deadly it could be … it was just the same: Ziva knew what she was capable of, she didn't need to show it to impress the people around her, it was like an aura … quite similar to Gibbs' ability to intimidate suspect by just staring at them, taking control off every situation he came to face … Abby realized she was using rather strange pictures, her thoughts going astray. Now she was fed and nourished, she longed for sleep. Rising her gaze, she saw Ziva looking at her.

"I'm … going to bed …" she managed to get out.
"Good idea. Want me to stay?"
"No, thanks … I'll be alright …" She wasn't quite sure about that, but didn't want to admit it. She didn't need a babysitter.
"Okay." Ziva got up, put the dishes into the sink and indicated the pot an the stove. "There's still enough in there for one more meal. And I'll come back tomorrow with something differ-ent." She smiled. "I'm quite a good cook, you'll see." Abby wanted to say something, but the Israeli silenced her with a gesture. "First sleeping, then talking!" she ordered half serious. And Abby nodded. But when she passed the other women on her way to the door, she gave her a swift hug and whispered. "Thank you."

Ziva watched her close her bedroom-door. She lingered for a moment, lost in thought, then left the apartment, carefully locking the door behind her. Outside she allowed herself a little smile of satisfaction. That had gone quite well, after all.

She had hardly left, when the bedroom door opened again and Abby peeped out. She knew Ziva only meant well, but for more than a year now had only had the choice between pills and nightmares, and she couldn't stand another night waking up crying right now. She went to her bathroom and opened her well filled medicine cabinet – only to find out that it wasn't filled well at all, but on the contrary was completely empty except for a note pinned on the inside: 'Better call me. Ziva.' And un-derneath was written the number of her cell phone.


---


Ziva was back in the late morning hours, bringing buns and various sorts of jelly. She'd no-ticed the day before that Abby had almost no food at home, and she wanted to make sure Abby's breakfast wouldn't contain of coffee only. She didn't need to pick the lock this time, Abby opened the door and let her in, looking considerably better than the day before; food and sleep had obviously done their job. "Hey, Ziva! Come in."
"Morning, Abby. How do you feel?"
"Better – although I didn't get any sedatives yesterday; somebody must've removed them …"
Ziva grinned, utterly unimpressed. "Did you sleep?"
"I did", Abby had to admit, "better than I've done for a long time …"

Again they ate in comfortable silence. After they'd finished, Abby took a deep breath, as if she tried to plug up all her courage. "Why do you do this, Ziva?" she asked in a serious voice and intensely looked at the woman sitting across the table.
The Israeli met her gaze head-on. "Because I'm worried about you, Abby", she answered earnestly, "and the others are, too."
"Maybe", Abby said thoughtful, "but why you?" She blushed. "I didn't mean to … don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything you do for me, but usually this wouldn't be your part but …" She hesitated, then signed sadly. "Well, under normal circumstances I would've expected Gibbs to come and look for me, but he is …" She shrugged. "No idea what has gone into him lately, but I know I can't count on him now. Next would be McGee, followed by Tony – but you? After how I've treated you?" She shook her head. "No, there's something else behind it. Why are you here, Ziva David?"

For a moment Ziva was tempted to use this opportunity and tell Abby about her encounter with Kate, but she considered it not to be the right time, not yet. A new kind of relationship was slowly building between them both, an unknown trust, but it was too uncertain yet. "You're right, Abby", she admitted, "I have my own private reason, and I promise I'll tell you about it, but I don't want to do so now. I think it's not …"
Now it was Abby's turn to silence her. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to, I'm okay with that …" She winked. "… for now. But I wanna know someday."
"You will, Abs. You will."


---


It became kind of a ritual: Usually Ziva would show up around nine o'clock, bringing buns, and they'd eat breakfast together. Then Abby would probably accompany Ziva to the hospital where she had to do monitored training sessions so her recovery could be controlled, but most of the time they would just sit in Abby's living-room and talk. Abby would tell stories from her youth and her time at college, and Ziva would repay her with some insights about her life in Israel and her time as a Mossad officer.

For lunch they'd cook together, mostly under Ziva's guidance, as Abby wasn't too skilled in the kitchen – when sometimes she demanded it was her turn to provide the food, they usually ordered egg rolls or sushi. In the afternoon one or the other of the team would drop in and bring some news from NCIS. Tony and McGee showed up regularly, and from time to time Ducky, Palmer and Lee would pay a visit, the medical examiner entertaining them all with stories from all over the world, Lee and Palmer always suspiciously lingering in the hall. At one memorable occasion even Director Shepard dropped in, asking how they were and assuring Abby that everything was in order although she'd just stopped coming to work without telling anybody anything. The only one who never came, and scarcely was mentioned at all, was Gibbs. The evenings they usually spent watching DVD's, mostly movies – or Buffy the vampire slayer, a series which Ziva had developed a liking for.


---


It was one evening about two weeks after Ziva's first visit in Abby's apartment. They had been watching Kill Bill 2 up to the scene when the Bride was to learn kung fu from Pai Mei, Head of the Order of the White Lotus. Ziva had laughed out at the sight of Kiddo carrying huge buckets of water up a long flight of stairs and had started to tell a story about her ex-periences in boot camp. But Abby, who usually was very interested in anything she could hear about her past, didn't seem to listen. "Am I boring you, Abby?"

The raven-haired woman jumped. "No! No, it's just …"
"What is it, Abs?"
Abby reached for the control and switched of the sound of the TV. She sat cross-legged on the sofa and now turned to face Ziva, her expression set and determined. "I've got to tell you something, Ziva."
The former Mossad agent nodded. "I know. And so have I. But you start."

"Okay …" Abby took a deep breath. "I wanna say I'm sorry!" she burst out. "Sorry about how I treated you when we met, when you joined the team, sorry about saying you didn't care for Gibbs and about slapping you! I'm sorry about everything." Ziva wanted to speak, but Abby wouldn't let her. "No, wait! Hear me out. When you … lay in coma, when it was uncertain if you would make it, I made a vow to myself and to …" She swallowed. "… that if you ever would wake again, I would apologize, would thank you for helping me and would try to be-come your friend."

"You are my friend, Abby." Ziva smiled at her. "And of course I accept your apology."
"Thank you." Abby returned the smile, obviously relieved, but clearly there was something else she wanted to voice. "But you don't know all of it. The reason why I acted like I did … It was …" She struggled, but was unable to go on, she just couldn't speak about her feelings for Kate.
"I know, Abby", Ziva said softly.
"What?" That sounded far more snappy and hurt than intended, but Ziva didn't care. "I know what you felt for …" Her voice trembled slightly. "For Kate. I know you two have been together, have been in love … oh, Abs, I'm so sorry!"
Abby stared at her, just like she had done when Ziva suddenly had appeared in her living-room. "How …" she whispered, "how … do you know? Nobody knew."

Ziva took a deep breath, bracing herself. "That's what I wanted to tell you. It will sound unbe-lievable to you, but please her me out." Abby just nodded, unable to talk. "I know it from … Kate." A gasp, and she quickly continued. "You know, when I lay in coma, I had some kind of … experience … I'm not sure what it was, but I … I woke up at the bullpen, but didn't know it at first, because it was dark. Then a lamp was switched on …" Now Ziva recalled what had happened – not exactly all of it, leaving out certain information concerning the events be-tween Ari, Gibbs and herself, but everything important to Abby.

Abby didn't interrupt her, made no sound at all, just sat motionless, staring, silent tears running down her face. But when Ziva recited the words of her prayer to Kate, Abby let out another gasp and started crying unrestrained, burying her face in Ziva's shoulder, who comforting laid her arms around her and whispered to her ear. "And then she asked me to help her protect you, to look after you, to help you, if I could. She told me you were about to give up hope, about to commit suicide in desperation, to be with her again."

She felt Abby's whole body tighten in shock. "Abby, look at me." But the crying woman only shook her head and nestled up even closer to her. Ziva gently put a finger under Abby's chin an forced her to rise her head. "Look at me, Abs. Do you know, what she said? ‘Do tell her I don't want to see her the next fifty years!' That are her words, words I'll never forget! ‘I want her to live and to be happy as she de-serves it! I'll be waiting for her in eternity – and tell her I'll always love her!'" Now Ziva was crying, too. "Abby, please! Please don't … She will be there forever, waiting for you, and watching over you, but we … we need you here! Gibbs and Tony and McGee and Ducky and … What are they going to do if you … And what do you think I … now that I've just found you …"

Abby cried for a long while, and Ziva held her close, gently caressing her hair and from time to time whispering comforting words into her ear. Gradually Abby calmed down, her sobs became less frequent, but she still didn't move – and suddenly Ziva became aware of her physical proximity, felt her body next to her in an unexpected intensity: the soft skin of her face, of her trembling lips against her neck … her breath, hot and somewhat unsteady … the scent of her hair, no perfume, but just Abby's own and characteristic scent, which, she sud-denly realized, had become so familiar to her during the past weeks … the feeling of Abby's breasts pressed against hers … Ziva's heart skipped one beat and doubled its speed.

‘My god, what am I thinking about? This is Abby!' She felt herself blushing and at the same time a shiver ran through her whole body. ‘I should move', she thought, but didn't dare to, afraid of Abby noticing what was going on. And beside that … did she really want to move?

Maybe she had made an involuntary movement, because Abby rose her head and met her eyes. She didn't say anything, just held her gaze, open and intense, not blinking, not looking away, as if she was searching for something in her eyes. And Ziva, who'd never backed down in a situation like this – but she had never been in a situation like this! All that hints about female lovers she had fed Tony with had been nothing but the perfect way to get under his skin, make fun of him and his typical testosterone-driven male sex-fantasy of watching women make love … which in fact was one of her own fantasies, too, one of just a few she hadn't come to fulfil yet. And somehow, without knowing how, she had now come closer to it than ever before. One moment she comforted a friend, next moment (this moment in fact!) she found herself in a highly erotic situation, the air crackling with sexual tension … She dropped her gaze, confused …

… and felt Abby's lips at her ear, whispering "I know what you think", felt her lips gently touching her skin, moving down to her throat … Suddenly, with an almost violent assault, Abby captured her mouth with her own, pressed her lips on Ziva's in a passionate kiss, and Ziva felt herself kissing back, allowing Abby's demanding tongue to enter her mouth … she heard herself moan with joy when experienced hands pushed up her shirt and started caressing her breasts … but something in this sound brought her senses back for just a second - and with a sudden effort she detached herself from the other woman. "Abby, no …" she managed to get out, breathing heavy.

"It's not like you to be prudish, Ziva", Abby teased, trying to pull her close again. "And don't pretend you don't want it, because I know better!"
"I don't pretend anything", Ziva answered, rearranging her clothes. "But the question is not what I want, but what you want!"
"I think I've made that quite clear." Abby obviously was getting angry.

But Ziva shook her head. "You don't want me, Abby. What you want is: You want Kate back! And as that's not possible, you want to stop the pain, the nightmares, want them to go away at least for one night, and you think that sleeping with me maybe will help you there. But I won't do this, Abs, not now. I would be taking advantage of you, of your grief, your pain, your des-peration, and I'm not doing it! I'm your friend, Abby, and I want to be your friend for a long time – but if I allowed you to seduce me now, you would hate me in the morning!"

Abby stared at her for one second, like frozen in shock – then broke down completely. "I'm sorry, Ziva!"
"It's okay … shhh …don't worry about it, Abs, I understand …" She waited for her friend to calm down a little, then said: "It has been a hard day … let's go to bed, we can talk tomorrow …" She couldn't help but smile about the look on Abby's face. "I'll stay here tonight – as a friend."

Somehow Abby managed a weak smile in return. "Thank you, Ziva."
They got ready for bed in no time. Ziva was first to slip under the blankets, and when Abby followed, the Israeli just smiled and opened her arms. "Come." And Abby huddled up close to her, her head resting on Ziva's shoulder. "Thank you", she repeated, and Ziva just placed a kiss on her cheek. "Sleep well, Abby", she whispered. "I'll be here."
There were no nightmares this night.