Summary: After the events of Internal Affairs, someone will be there for Tony. Will he let anyone in?
Categories: Gibbs/DiNozzo Characters: Anthony DiNozzo, Leroy Jethro Gibbs
Genre: Angst, Character study, Drama, Episode Related, First Time, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, PWP - Plot, What Plot? , Pre-slash
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 4
Completed: Yes
Word count: 14570
Read: 18569
Published: 04/29/2008
Updated: 08/26/2008
Story Notes:
This story was born in the waning moments of the episode. A couple of lines
from a favorite song started running through my head, specifically "Standing alone in
solitude, holding your head in your hands. Tears play like rain on your fingertips. Who but
yourself is to blame?" (Asia, The Last To Know, 1983). I started writing, shipped it off to
Ange and a baby fic was born. We hope you like our purty li'l darlin' as much as we do!
Disclaimer: Not ours, sadly. But we love playing with them!
Special thanks to our beta goddess, Anna! We couldn;t have done this without her
excellent suggestions and guidance. And the new plot bunneh ;)
Last to Know by silverfoxfiles
Author's Notes:
After the events of Internal Affairs, someone will be there for Tony. Will he let anyone in?
It took less than five minutes for Jethro to lose the tail. Nobodyâ"nobodyâ"was going to know about the safehouse he had for his team. Heâd called Tony, gave him a prearranged code and parked two blocks away. Jethro made sure he wasnât followed and went inside. Heâd also told everyone else to stay away and not to call, had stocked the place with alcohol and frozen pizza earlier today. He was the only one who could deal with this and he wanted to. He needed to.
There Tony was on the couch, head in his hands. Jethro crossed the room, standing behind the couch before leaning over, putting his chin on Tonyâs shoulder, wrapping his arms around him from behind. Tony needed more, that much was clear, so without breaking his hold, he climbed over the back of the couch and pulled the crying manâs head against his shoulder, hand burrowing into Tonyâs hair. âIâm here, Tony. Iâm here. Youâre not alone.â
âHow could she do that to me? I wasnât there; I wasnât anywhere near there. Fornell just assumed, again, that I could murder someone. If I hadnât have been so fucked up, I might have considered it.â Tony felt calmer knowing that Gibbs was here and would take care of him. He didnât have to be strong; he could let go and no one would think differently.
âI told her it was all a lie. I let her walk away to hopefully find the peace she needs. I just donât know that itâs going to help. I did that to her! I turned her into this damaged woman. She wasnât like that when I met her; she was sweet and caring. I took that away from her.â
Heâd expected Tony to be broken up, but he hadnât expected Tony to be broken. âFornell means nothing. We all knew it was a setup. Woman scorned. None of us doubted you for a second, Tony. Weâve been here before.â He tilted Tonyâs head up, forcing him to look into his eyes.
âYou gave her a gift, Tony. Youâre the better person. It hurts like your heart getting ripped out a thousand times a second. I know. Iâve been there a few times now, few times too many. But you didnât do it to her. Her fatherâs life did that. You got way too involved, but you got hurt too. Sheâs a grown woman, a doctor. Your charm and big smile arenât that blinding.â
He could kill Jenny for putting Tonyâs heart on the line. She sure as hell wasnât here and wasnât welcome. Ever. She was probably celebrating her reinstatement. âWomen can be the coldest bitches on Earth, DiNozzo. Why do we do this to ourselves?â
Tony ducked his head back down, pressing his face into Jethroâs shirt. âYou want some liquid therapy, Tony? Or we can just sit here. Iâm not leaving. I promise you; Iâm not leaving. Whatever you need, you tell me. Iâll make it happen. Youâre not alone.â
âDrink, then sit here? Iâm not ready to face the world right now. Not sure if Iâm ever going to be ready.â Tony loved how solid Gibbs was, and that he wasnât trying to get out of here. âI know itâs not my fault. I needed to do this, hell, I shouldnât have even gotten involved to begin with. Jenny never told me that I should sleep with her. Never said I should fall in love with her. I screwed this up, boss. I screwed it up so bad. Instead of dealing with things sheâd rather frame me for murder. Iâm sorry, thatâs fucked up.â
âJenny used you, Tony. Jenny knew how easy it is for some guys to get involved. She didnât mean for you to get hurt, but the fact remains you did.â Jethro disengaged himself gently from Tony and yanked his coat off. He grabbed a couple of beers and poured Tony a whiskey, bringing the bottle over.
âYou know the drill: take the shot and follow it with the beer. Itâll take the edge off.â Jethro forced Tonyâs chin up again. âYou didnât screw up. Jeanne needs to take responsibility for what she did. Sheâs not a kid, DiNozzo. Ever think some of her daddyâs traits got passed on?â
âSure, you think it didnât cross my mind? Her mother was as bad as her father. Barracuda wears Prada. Jeanne said she was passionate about her work, but I donât believe it. She was awful.â That night had been horrible. The woman had a complete stage mother complex and refused to even try to act human.
âShe wasnât like either of them; she was good. She wanted to do good things and help people. She was angry. She was hurt and she acted out. Iâve had my car egged, crap left in my closet, various other acts of revenge against me. None of my former companions had ever accused me of murder.â
âThink finding out what Daddy was coulda changed her? You and me, we have a weak spot when it comes to women. What was it you said? Redheads are my kryptonite? Iâve got the one who stalks me, the one who was certifiable, literally, the one who cleaned me out and then married the guy I thought was my best friend. Assaulted by all three of âem at one time are another. The first one was the only one worth keeping. And you know what happened to her.â
Jethro downed a large gulp of beer, thinking maybe he needed something stronger too. âShit happens to a lot of people. Some of âem use it as an excuse to be sociopaths. Some of âem donât. All of âem gotta own what they do. And you gotta get rid of the hero complex thing. You had a weak moment. You fell in love. That didnât make you a bastard.â
âNo, lying to her and saying that it meant nothing to me made me a bastard. The rest, it made me human.â Tony took a swig of his beer before closing his eyes. Gibbs was right, he was a sucker for women, didnât even have a specific type. Not unless long legs was a type. âIâll never do it again, that much I can tell you. Love isnât worth it. I get my life fucked up and some crazy woman coming after me. Not worth it.â
âMakes you an honorable man, Tony. I couldnât have done it. You gave her more than she deserved. You gave her a way to move on and sacrificed yourself. Iâm too much of a bastard to have done that. Nine out of ten guys wouldnât have done what you did.â
Jethro grabbed the whiskey and took a slug before gulping down a long pull of beer. âSex, companionship, never has to touch your heart. Stay above all of it. Use âem before they use you. Unless the right one comes along, and youâll know better than to screw that up. Like Shannon. I knewâŠâ
Why was he doing this? Why was he bringing up his biggest heartache? He never discussed her. With anyone.
Tony broke the silence. âIâm not interested even in the right one. I used to be able to love them and leave them. It was never a problem for me, up until recently. Iâd never even considered a long term relationship before her, and now Iâm sure I know why.â He didnât feel honorable or like heâd given Jeanne any sort of closure. The way she looked at him made him feel two feet tall. âIâve got a hand, I donât even need to use them before sending them away. They can just stay away.â
He wouldnât mention Paula right now. He wouldnât do that to Tony and add to his sadness. âYou never loved âem before her, DiNozzo. Stop fooling yourself. Iâm giving you honesty here. Give it back. Youâre getting more honesty than anyone, ever. Give it back, DiNozzo.â
Jethro snorted. âA hand. Like that excuse works. You find a hand that can kiss you, touch you, your hand feel as warm and wet as an aroused woman, you find a hand that makes your heart race. You find a hand that gives a fuck. You find a jackoff session that ever makes you feel complete, and I wanna know your secret. Because it doesnât happen. Trust me here, Tony, it doesnât. You just feel more and more alone. Yeah, you screw yourself. But it isnât enough. Itâs never enough.â
âCome on, boss, cut me some slack. Iâm trying to make myself feel better, and you throw all that at me.â Tony knew that Gibbs was trying to do right by him, but right now he was more interested in pity than logic. âNo, my hand wonât kiss me or feel like a woman, but it also wonât betray me or take it personally if Iâm doing my job and I canât break its heart. Might be an okay trade off.â
âWhat about Abbs? Someone at work? Someone who wonât expect too much and knows how we are about cases. Abbs canât stop talking about your ass and legs. I donât know what she saw or thinks she saw, but you made a permanent impression. She got drunk after Chip. She couldnât stop talking about you.â
Jethro swallowed hard. Wasnât like he was hiding a damn thing tonight anyway. âTelling you this tonight. Forget about it tomorrow. Took Abby to bed that night. She called out your name, Tony.â Then again, so had he. Theyâd both been so trashed, itâd been amazing theyâd been able to perform.
âAbby wouldnât expect too much from you and sheâs as hot blooded as they come. If you can get past the coffin and the wedding dress thing.â
âYouâd let me date your little girl? Seriously?â No, it wasnât a little girl with her daddy relationship, especially if she and Gibbs ended up in bed together. âAbby is my âBest Friends Weddingâ girl, not my take home to bed and screw when itâs convenient girl.â Seeing the confused look on Gibbs face, Tony did his best Professor DiNardo impersonation.
âItâs a movie, boss. Iâm surprised you havenât seen it, stars a tall redhead, seems like your type of movie.â Ducking the head slap, Tony continued talking. âAnyway, Julia Robertsâ character has a best male friend, and they promise that if theyâre still single when they hit a certain age, theyâll get together. Well, that day is creeping up on her, and she realizes that sheâs in love with her best friend, so she calls to tell him, only to find out that he just got engaged and that the fiancĂ©e expects her to be in the wedding. The rest isnât important and was really rather clichĂ©. But thatâs what Abby is to me. If we were both single and wanted to be married, then sure, Iâd do that for her. But Iâm not sure that sheâs my IT girl. I know Iâm not her IT guy. You, on the other hand⊠She has a thing for your hair. Ask her, sheâll tell you all about it.â
âAbbs has never been my little girl. Mine wouldnât have been allowed to get all that ink.â Though Jethro had been fascinated by the back cross. âEver seen the big one on her back? Must have hurt like hell.â
For a second when Tony started talking about IT girl and guy, Jethro had thought Tony was going to just admit that he was interested. But then he went back to Abby. âTrust me, DiNozzo. We used each other. She called out your name; I called the one I was using her for. I know she wants me, but she wants you too. And in bed that night, it was about you, Tony.â
âWow, Iâve never been told that, at least not when I wasnât in bed with the person. At least someone was enjoying themselves that night. I wasnât thinking sex, I was more concerned about a warm meal and my own bed.â
Jethro met Tonyâs eyes. âYou donât seem to understand. In bed. It was about you, Tony. All about you.â
âYeah, I get it, boss. You two were upset about what happened and sought out a little comfort from someone else who knew what was going on. Iâm glad you guys could do that.â
Jethro growled, not quite believing Tony could be so dense. He had to be using this as foreplay, or some twisted game.
âIâll take full credit for you getting some, itâs about damn time. Itâs been to long since you were married, boss, and that blonde wasnât doing it for you. I donât know what I was thinking, saying she could be the next ex-wife. Now Abby, sheâs probably to smart to marry you, but sheâs got to be a hell of a lot of fun.â
âIâm done with ex-wives, Tony. Got my eye on someone else. Someone whose been making me hard for years now.â
Jethro jerked his own chin toward the bottle and shot glass. âYou donât want me forcing that down your throat, do ya? I poured, you drink.â He paused while Tony downed another shot and then poured himself a double. âSo, youâre guilty of falling in love. Happened to a lot of guys before. Some of us more than once. So, you allowed yourself to think of a future. Been there, too. And I made it. You will too, Tony. Let me get ya through tonight and tomorrow and the next day. One day youâll wake up and it wonât hurt so much. Youâd just better hope she never ends up working in the same building you are and screwing with your team like mine did.â
Jethro lifted his beer. âLong live the queen. More like long live the black widow.â He poured another drink. âLong live the bitch. I hope sheâs having a damn good celebration tonight. Got invited out to dinner. Like Iâd be anywhere but here with you. Everyone wanted to be here. Ziva, McGee, Abby, Duck, even Fornell called to see how you were. He pushed too hard. Didnât think youâd want to see anyone, maybe not even me. If you want me to go, Iâll leave, but just the room. Iâm sticking around tonight. Who else is bringing the drinks? Who else can drag ya to bed if youâre too drunk to walk?â
âThat was mighty gracious of him. Go after me for murder again, then call to see how Iâm doing. How many times does he think he can arrest me before it starts looking like he has it out for me? Oh wait, he does have it out for me.â
âControl over me, the other agencies try to keep me in line. They know you and me, weâre a tight team. TobiasâŠI used to consider a friend. Not any more. He can go to hell. Should have told him that when he married Diane. Wanted me to be best man. Heâs good at putting a guyâs balls in a vise.â
âHeâs a bit delusional, isnât he? You, his best man when he was marrying your ex?â It was laughable to think that they could control Gibbs by going after him. Go after Abby? Yeah, that might work. But not him, he was just another agent in a line of many. âTell him he could try going after another one of your team members the next time. Itâs getting tedious, you having to bail me out constantly.â
âHeâs a bastard. He knows youâre my Achilles heel. Iâd work like hell to save Tim or Ziva, or Duck--even Jenny. But you and Abby are the ones Iâd die for.â Jethro wouldnât say any more on the subject. Heâd said far too much already.
âDonât want you dead, boss. Donât do anything to try to save me if it ever comes down to it. Not worth it. But if it were you, yeah, Iâd do what ever I could to make sure you were okay. You and Abby both, probably McGee if push came to shove. Ziva, Iâd at least make an attempt. But you or Abby, you need a kidney or for me to find you and negotiate your release after being kidnapped by Pygmies, just let me know and Iâm the man for the job.â
âDidnât say I was planning on it, DiNozzo.â He lowered his voice. âI owe you. You could have gotten sick hauling me out of the water. Hell, did I even thank you? Way I drink, Iâll need a liver before a kidney. Abbyâd get hooked up with the Pygmies. Bring âem home, dance with âem. Probably name âem Jethro.â
âShe only did that because she loves you. Iâm not sure that the world could stand another Jethro in it. But youâre right. If anyone were to do something like that, it would be Abbs. She managed to convince McGeek to adopt the dog that attacked him. Sheâs good for us, and keeps us honest. We both need the little ball of goth sunshine she brings to our life.â
âWorld doesnât need this Jethro either, DiNozzo.â Had they already shared a half bottle of whiskey? No wonder he was talking so damn much. âAbbyâs good. Makes us better. Sheâs sunshine with dyed black hair and tattoos. And she makes a hell of a Marilyn Monroe.â
âOh yeah, she does. I had to keep telling myself it was Abby under there, and not some woman I could take home for the night, and pay for a cab in the morning. Abby in the wig and dress, she might be my IT girl after all. Or I can just perv over the memory of her looking so hot. The white dress and the tats. That could feed my hand for a long time.â
Jethro chuckled. âShe did that Mr. President thing and I felt like a dirty old man, Tony. Sheâs wild. And sheâs a natural blonde.â
âI knew that her hair couldnât be that black naturally, but a blonde? I never would have guessed. Maybe sheâll give me a peek some day, if the circumstances were right.â
âWe could make âem right, though you wonât tell by looking there. Sheâs bare. Completely bare, Tony. You ever had someone completely bare like that? Not shaved, Tony. Bare. You tell when she has roots, top of her head.â
âOuch! Explains why once a month sheâs so grouchy. Hot wax on intimate body parts, thatâs got to hurt. But sexy as hell to think about her going through that for her partnerâs personal enjoyment, but you wouldnât catch me getting it done.â
âYou think Abbs is a wax girl? Peruvian, or whatever she said it was called? No. She did one of those fancy permanent things, Tony. Laser something.â Jethro leaned in close. âSome lovers like different textures on their partners. Muscles giving way to softness. Smooth slick skin.â
âThereâs a term I never would have associated with Abby, softness.â He was going to need to confirm this, hopefully Abby wouldnât shoot him when he asked. âIâm taking it to mean you like a little softness in your partner. Someone who can soothe you instead of getting you more worked up.â
âHard and soft together is what gets me off. You ever have that together, Tony? Softness, then hardness. Strong muscle right under silky skin.â A hard cock under velvety soft skin. âSteel covered in softness.â
Jethro let his eyes close. âGetting drunk. Maybe I should go to bed. Leave ya to it. Fornellâs number is in my phone. If you want to do that speed dial thing, Iâll never know.â
When Tony had left Baltimore PD, heâd never considered that heâd be investigated by the FBI once, let alone several times. There was something to add to his resume the next time he was looking for a job. Probably sooner than later at this rate.
âDonât go, should never drink alone. That just makes you a pathetic man and a potential alcoholic. If you get shit faced with a friend, youâre either a frat boy or someone having a good time. I suppose Iâm a former greek, and I could really have a good time after tonight.â
âIâm getting something stronger then. I could use it. Been drinking alone a lot of years, DiNozzo. Think Iâm pathetic? Used to wonder if you hero-worshipped me. Not any more, not since Mexico. You couldnât even look me in the eye when I came back. Now ya know the truth about me. Just a pathetic guy with a taste for bourbon. Or whatever takes the pain away. Long as it goes down okay, I donât care. Ya get to a point in life where you donât care. Ya just do your job best you can. The rest of it doesnât matter. Donât turn in to me, Tony. Get out while youâre still alive. Wish someone had told me that when I was your age.â
âIt wasnât hero worship, not in the traditional sense. I thought that I could be a more effective leader by becoming you. I found out I was barely a shell of the man you were when you were leading the team. Itâs harder than it looks, thatâs for sure. I was embarrassed because you caught me at the game. You beat me at the game, busting me in my pathetic attempt to be you.â He didnât believe that Gibbs was pathetic. He assumed that after everything the man had been through, he deserved to drink alone.
âYouâve got your boat, which has taken on a life of its own, boss. That means youâre not drinking alone. And Iâll take a double of what ever it is youâre drinking. If there was ever a night to get drunk, itâs tonight. Not often you beat a murder rap for the second time in your life.â
Jethro snorted at the boat comment. âYeah, the boat keeps me warm at night, Tony. It might keep my hands and mind busy, but thereâs something to be said about waking up beside a warm body, thrusting into wet heat, legs wrapped around your waist, kisses, moans, someone to make sure you eat and sleep when youâre focused on a case. Someone to listen when it gets to be too much. Someone who touches you. Have any idea how long its been since someone beside Abbs hugged me? Since I was with Hollis. Months ago.â
Jethro walked into the kitchen and grabbed a couple of bottles for them each. He knew they were going to regret this in the morning, but for now they needed it. He walked back, lining the bottles up before opening one. âCourvoisier X.O. Cognac. The stuff Benoit and Ducky drank. Couple hundred bucks a bottle, NCISâ dime. Think I can drink the entire thing?â He took a swallow, seeing it as a means to an end. âBrandy isnât my thing. Iâm not a sip and savor guy, but itâll do the job.â
âIâll help you out on killing that, especially if neither one of us is paying for it. We should invite Ducky over. He raved about the drink he had with the Frog. Smoothest thing he ever drank. Seems fitting that weâre toasting the end of that man, the one who almost ruined me not once, but twice.â
âDuckyâs on my shit list right now, DiNozzo. I donât care how much he liked La Grenouille. Youâre who matters.â Jethro leaned back, shoulder to shoulder with the younger man, and passed the bottle over. âYou wanna finish it, you can. Wonât obliterate me fast enough. Thatâs what weâre doing, right? Drinking until weâre numb. Instead of trying to find better ways of fixing it. Should call Abby. Sheâd be up for anything, even two bitter, drunk guys.â
âGo ahead; give her a call. Sheâll get drunk with us and tell us we both suck. But sheâd do it with a lot of panache so that we couldnât get mad at her.â
âItâd end up in bed, DiNozzo. Want to spend tonight with you. Weâll take tomorrow off; call her. Tonight Iâm not sharing you with anyone. Not even Abbs.â
âShe wonât be happy about that, boss. Sheâs big on sharing, although thatâs fine too. What she doesnât know wonât kill her.â
âTony, you have no idea.â Jethro let out a short laugh.
Tony looked at his boss, really looked and wanted to know more. They were flirting and leading towards something more it seemed. âExplain it to me, then. Make me understand.â
âNo. Think about it. Think hard, DiNozzo. Got too much to lose if I put it out there too soon.â
âGibbs, Iâm tired Iâm well on my way to being drunk and I donât want to think. I want something to be easy. If it canât be easy, I donât want to bother.â
âIt can be easy, but you gotta be sure. Too much to lose. Smallest response firms up your interest.â
âIâve lost too much as it is donât you think?â Tony was getting agitated, he didnât want to solve puzzles or be bothered. âWe talking Iâm on my way to losing my job? Losing everything thatâs near and dear to me?â
âJust the opposite. My career on the line. Youâre safe whatever you say or do. Donât like dancing around it, Tony, but Iâm not a young guy. If I lose everything, I have no way to live.â
Jethro dragged the conversation back to something a little less charged. âNever wanted a clone. Never sought you out to beâŠwhat is it? Mini me? That isnât you, DiNozzo. Weâre as different as two guys can be, but youâve come into your own as an agent and a leader. Best damn decision I made was bringing you on. I know when I go for good, the team is safe in your hands. Youâre enough maverick to get stuff done and charming enough to grease the wheels and disarm the black widow. You just need confidence.â
âYou know a pop culture reference. Iâm impressed, boss. I wouldnât have expected it of you. And it might not have been what you were seeking out, but itâs what the team expected. Abby needed someone like you to push her and McGee just wasnât the same if he wasnât terrified. Ziva even respected me. She didnât trust me to get her out of trouble, but she respected me.â
âStephanie and Abby watched that stupid movie a few times.â He leaned in, grasping DiNozzoâs wrist. âNobody needed you to act like me. Donât do it again. Be yourself, Tony.â
âTrust me, itâs harder being Gibbs then you let on. Wouldnât want to try. Burned up more energy then I had trying to be stealthy. But they did need it. They needed a seamless transition, and watching you leave it was the last thing I was thinking. But trust me, it was expected. Even Jen told me, that she expected the team to run the same under me as it did under you. Just a little pressure on someone who woke up that morning expecting it to be semi-normal.â
âI had to go. It was survival. My mind was gone, Tony. My memories had holes you could run an aircraft carrier through. And you guys expected this instant recovery, first time I ever felt pressure like that from you guys. You didnât mean it. I know that. Wasnât fair on any of us. Least of all those boys who got blown up.â
âIâm not blaming you. If it had been me, I would have done the same thing. I understood then that you needed to be anywhere but where you were. We all understood after thinking about it. But the girls, they still missed you. Timmy, he didnât quiver when I yelled like he did with you. All of us were a little lost, but we werenât going to hold it against you.â
âWerenât the only ones lost, Tony. Werenât the only ones lost at all. I was just as lost. I didnât know who I was.â
Jethro grabbed the bottle and took a couple of healthy swigs. âDonât become me, DiNozzo. Bitterness and loneliness doesnât suit you. I had a reason to become that way when I lost everything that mattered. You still have hope. Donât let Jeanne define you. Donât let anyone define you but yourself, Tony.â
âJeanne couldnât define me; she didnât know me. I donât know me anymore. Iâm going need to take some time and find me. Maybe a little time away from work would help. I could get in the car and just drive until I run out of gas and hope thereâs a half way decent motel in the area. Heading down south might be nice. Impromptu spring break trip--all the beer I can drink and women in bikinis. Not a bad option.â
âNo. Request for leave denied. Youâll brood. Youâll drink. You get tonight to do that, maybe the rest of the week, and then I need you back. Youâre a grown man, Tony. Iâm not letting you revert to that because its comfortable to you. Not after what I saw today.â
Where was that damn bottle? DiNozzo was driving him to drink.
Without really meaning to, he stood up and loomed over Tony a little unsteadily. âStop hiding, DiNozzo. Donât hide from me. Keep telling you; you donât want to be like me. Take my damn advice. Listen to me, will ya. Iâm here for ya. Iâm here.â
His hand went to Tonyâs hair and he ran a hand over it softly instead of cuffing him. All that crap he put in it should have made it sticky, but instead it was soft and silky, trailing through his fingers. âPretty damn lonely, my life. Just trying to stop you from going down the same road. Youâve got a big heart there. Donât close down. Donât let the bastards win.â
âGreat advice from a man who admits that he had done exactly what heâs telling me not to do. Sorry if Iâm having a hard time buying into what youâre saying.â He needed to do something, go somewhere, even if it was just for the day. He hadnât felt this way since Kate had died, and he had almost left NCIS then. Another case, another crushing blow and he was again considering if this was what he should be doing with his life.
âI donât do this with anyone, DiNozzo. I donât care like this about anyone beside Abby. I donât put it out there like that. Like you were a brother or a son. Take the advice or not, you want to turn into me, do it. You want to be alone, do it. You want to play the pity card, do it. But someday realize that someone cared enough to tell you things nobody else knows to try to save you from yourself.â
âYou know, I could go groveling back to my father, tell him Iâll take the position he created for me when I graduated from college. I would get paid just to go sit in the office and be a DiNozzo, thereâs a lot to be said for that, you know. Get myself a trophy wife, who wouldnât expect anything from me but to let her continue her life the way it was before I married her. Weâd have to spawn at some point, but I like kids as long as someone else is there to care for them. It would be a dream life, at least for some people. I could probably even do it. Iâve done my duty, maybe itâs time for me to settle down, start drinking too much and not exercising enough. Iâm old enough to become my father now.â
âYou want to go back to the guy who didnât give a shit while you lay dying? You want to sabotage yourself and NCIS that much? Youâd take away the best damn investigator and undercover operative Iâve ever worked with or seen, to be some fat, soft executive to please someone who doesnât deserve you? Who never deserved a kid like you. Your biggest accomplishment is being so much better than him, Tony. Maybe someday youâll see that, before itâs too late.â
Jethro was still holding the younger manâs skull and he let go, moving a couple of feet away. âYou gotta bury the hurt little boy who needs Dadâs approval. Itâs the only way you can move on, DiNozzo. The only way youâll ever be happy. Call him up, tell him he doesnât matter, and move on. Live for you. Go for what you want, not whatâll help you make do. You only go around once. You and me, weâve been close to the edge. More than once. Lately more than once a year.â
Jethro looked at the bottle he was holding. âShould take my own damn advice. Stop hiding. Grab life by the balls for a change. Go for it and try, even if I lose everything.â He looked at the bottle again, suddenly tired of it all. âJust sick and tired of being alone, Tony. Donât want you where I am. Too good for that. Youâre too smart, too talented. Youâre needed. And wanted. I need youâŠâ
âOn my team.â Cop out, he knew it. But he had too much on the line right now.
âWouldnât do it, boss. Just nice to know that I could.â Tony ducked his head, not able to look Gibbs in the eye. âAny other day of the year, I enjoy my job too much to turn my back on it and go play desk jockey. If I wanted that, I would have taken it out of college and had my student loans paid off right away. I enjoy what I do; I just need to have a little pity party tonight. Wouldnât really do it, even if it would be the easy way to go.â
âDrink then. The expensive stuff. Ya earned it. And look at me, dammit. Iâm telling you things nobody knows. Nobody. Not Abby. Nobody. Because you got someone here fighting for you. Okay? Stop hiding from me, DiNozzo. Makes me think youâre embarrassed to be drinking with me.â Jethro closed Tonyâs hand around the bottle.
âIâm not embarrassed and Iâm not hiding. Itâs just Iâm not used to you sharing. Abby will drag things out of me, but I donât willingly share with her. Iâm trying here; I just need another drink or three before Iâm comfortable spilling my heart out.â
âI should be the one embarrassed. You got nothing to be embarrassed about, Tony.â Jethroâs hand went back into the younger manâs hair, stroking slowly as he sank back beside Tony, leg against leg, arm resting on the other manâs shoulder.
âWant to know what Iâm thinking right now?â He didnât wait for an answer, just leaned over to snag the bottle, taking another long gulp, angling his body in to Tonyâs. âIâm thinking I donât want to be alone tonight. Not talking about drinking, either. Not dancing around it, Tony. I want you in that bedroom. Wherever it goes, I want you in that bed.â
Jethro stood unsteadily and walked toward the bedroom. âYour choice now. Wonât think any differently if you donât want it. Wonât ever mention it again. You decide.â
End Notes:
This story was born in the waning moments of the episode. A couple of lines
from a favorite song started running through my head, specifically "Standing alone in
solitude, holding your head in your hands. Tears play like rain on your fingertips. Who but
yourself is to blame?" (Asia, The Last To Know, 1983). I started writing, shipped it off to
Ange and a baby fic was born. We hope you like our purty li'l darlin' as much as we do!
Disclaimer: Not ours, sadly. But we love playing with them!
Special thanks to our beta goddess, Anna! We couldn;t have done this without her
excellent suggestions and guidance. And the new plot bunneh ;)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.