Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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I knew something was wrong the minute I walked into the bullpen. Tony’s desk was clean; not just cleared of all paperwork, but completely empty except for the computer monitors and keyboard. My first thought was that maybe he’d been fired, but I knew that couldn’t be true. Even Jenny wouldn’t do something like that without talking with me first.

I checked my desk for a note, but there wasn’t one. I couldn’t believe that Tony could just leave without at least discussing it with me, but then I thought that, yes, he could. Since my return from Mexico, I’d treated him shabbily, even by my standards. In my attempt to make things like they were before I left, Tony had been the one who suffered. The conversation I overheard between Tony and McGee was just one example.

I tried to console myself with the fact that I had talked to Tim about that, but I had only addressed the probie part of their conversation and ignored the fact that Tim had basically told Tony that he didn’t rate his own team.

I have exceptionally good hearing, and I had overheard a lot of conversations that I should have put a stop to. Ziva and McGee never let an opportunity pass them by to belittle, berate and undermine Tony. And Tony never said anything back to them. He just took it, like he expected it, like he maybe even deserved it.

I took the stairs to the director’s office to find out what happened to my senior field agent, and I was informed that he had accepted a promotion to be lead agent at the NCIS office in Rota, Spain. I was shocked to say the least. I was worried that he finally had enough and quit or that he transferred to another team here at the DC office, but Spain was a long way to go to get away from the team, to get away from me.

I informed Jenny that I would be taking the day off. I needed some time to think, and I didn’t want to do it with Ziva and McGee around. They were the ones who had driven Tony away, after all.

Once I was in my basement working on my boat, I had to admit to myself that Ziva and McGee hadn’t been the only ones to drive Tony away. They had a lot of help, mainly from me. I thought about how I had taken my old job back without bothering to inform Tony. I could try and excuse my actions and tell myself that Jenny should have told him, she was the director after all. But that was a cop out. I was the one who took Tony’s job and it should have been me to tell him, instead of letting him find out the hard way, by coming into the office that day to find me sitting at his desk.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only unforgivable thing I’d done to Tony since the whole mess with the explosion and my subsequent amnesia. I’d left him the team, saying only, ‘you’ll do’. I should have said, ‘you’ve earned it’ and ‘I know you’ll do a good job’, and I should have told Ziva and McGee to follow his orders. I told McGee he was a good agent, but I didn’t bother to tell Tony that.

I heard again the words Jenny said to me as we watched Tony and Ziva in interrogation; how Tony had done a good job while I was gone and I should tell him that. I couldn’t help but think if only I hadn’t been so stubborn and just said a few simple words of praise to Tony back then, he would still be here now.

If that had been all I’d done to Tony, that would have been bad enough, but when I returned to NCIS several weeks ago, I acted like there had been no relationship between Tony and me except that of boss and subordinate. I pretended that I couldn’t remember the more intimate relationship we shared before the explosion.

I figured it would be easier that way, but then I had to ask myself, ‘easier for whom?’ It certainly wasn’t easier for Tony. He was getting hit from all sides. McGee and Ziva were outright disrespectful to him, most of the time in front of an audience, and in my efforts to get things back to the way they were before I left, I hadn’t treated Tony any better.

And if all that wasn’t bad enough, when I found out it had been my old boss, Mike Franks, who had knocked Tony out, I hadn’t done a damn thing about it. Being team leader meant I had certain responsibilities to the members of my team, and doing nothing when one of them was hurt wasn’t part of the job description.

Mike had played me like a fiddle and I let him get away with it, and I let him get away with hurting Tony. I owed Mike, but I owed Tony more. I should have done something when he hurt Tony. I couldn’t blame every one of my bad decisions on the explosion. That excuse was getting old, even to me.

It was a revelation to me how I could miss Tony so much when he’d only been gone a short while. It was time I admitted to myself that I love Tony and want to spend as much time as possible with him. I missed his smile and his sense of humor. I even missed all the movie references he made. I missed sharing a meal with him and then a bed. I missed watching movies with him and his ongoing commentaries while we did so.

As I continued to sand my boat, I tried to think of the reasons I gave myself to deny what I felt for Tony. All those reasons seemed stupid to me now that he wasn’t around any longer; like it was against regulations, it was breaking rule number twelve, I didn’t want to complicate our lives any more than necessary, or the fact that it could ruin both of our careers if we were ever found out.

I had thought that as long as Tony was there sitting at his desk or watching my six in the field, that would be enough, that I didn’t need or want any more than that.

But I was through lying to myself. It was time to be proactive. Tony was everything to me and I should tell him that. It was time to get my head out of my ass and do something right for a change. I called Jenny and told her I was taking an indefinite leave of absence, hanging up on her when she protested. I went to my bedroom and packed a suitcase. I then booted up my laptop and used my dubious computer skills to book the first available flight to Rota, Spain.

Chapter Two - Reaction

-Two days earlier-

Tony’s POV

I gave up trying to sleep on the flight to Rota, Spain. I’d been trying for the last hour and it was hopeless. Thoughts kept swirling around my brain that wouldn’t quit. Thoughts about why I was even on this flight and the reasons for my decision to take the promotion when Jenny offered it again. It seems the woman she had given the promotion of team leader after I turned it down changed her mind at the last minute, having decided that Spain was too far away from her family.

I hadn’t said anything to her, but I got the feeling Jenny knew that I regretted the decision to not take the promotion within days of turning her down.

Jenny seemed very understanding about the aborted undercover operation she had me on, since I’d only been on a few dates with the target, Jeanne Benoit. When I told Jeanne I was taking a job in Europe, she had taken it quite well.

What actually changed my mind about taking the promotion was the fact that I couldn’t trust my team to watch my back any longer. McGee and Ziva questioned and ridiculed everything I said and did, and it didn’t help matters that when I slipped up and gave them orders, that Gibbs didn’t waste any time giving them different ones.

If that didn’t let them know they didn’t have to listen to anything I said, I didn’t know what would.

I used to think that I had finally found a family and people I could trust at NCIS, but since Gibbs returned from Mexico, I questioned that. It was obvious none of them really trusted me.

It was actually kind of sad that the only person I could talk to was Palmer. He was the one I hadn’t even considered a legitimate member of the team, but he was the one who was there when I needed someone to talk to after Gibbs left, the first and the second time.

Ducky was so hurt and angry with Gibbs for leaving that he couldn’t be objective. I tried to talk with him a couple of times, but instead of listening to me, he couldn’t stop talking about how he felt about the whole situation, and after a while I just quit trying.

Abby had covered her lab in pictures of Gibbs. She counted the days that he was gone and chattered frequently and at length with whoever entered the lab that she knew he would be back, that he just needed time, oblivious to how her actions made me feel. I felt it best not to rain on her parade and mostly kept my mouth shut whenever I was near her.

McGee wasn’t much better, always pointing out that the way I did things wasn’t how Gibbs would have done it. He kept going on about how easy the job of senior field agent was, not realizing that I hadn’t handed over at least half of the work the job entailed.

Ziva was impossible to talk to on a good day, and I hadn’t had many of those lately, so I hadn’t even attempted it. She had cast her vote about what she thought of my ability as team leader when she called Gibbs first thing when she was in trouble. If Abby hadn’t given me the number to reach her, I had my doubts that I ever would have found out what was going on.

I had been their boss and it was my job to try to make the transition easier, and I couldn’t see that happening if I voiced my own doubts and fears to any of them. I had to appear strong and confident, even if that was just about the opposite of what I truly felt.

None of them knew the true depth of the loss I suffered when Gibbs left. I lost not only my boss, but also my lover, partner, significant other, whatever the hell he was. If I had to put a word to what he was to me, that word would be everything. He had been my boss, partner, best friend. The list went on and on.

And I lost everything when he left.

If Gibbs had broken my heart when he left, he ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it when he returned. I knew he was pretending that he didn’t remember our relationship. I saw how he looked at me sometimes when he thought I wasn’t watching. I just didn’t understand why he would do that. He had told me that he loved me and would never leave.

I guess ‘until death do us part’ doesn’t count when explosions and amnesia enter the picture.

I knew it would do me no good to confront him about our past relationship. Gibbs’ reaction to being confronted about something he didn’t want to talk about was to walk away, and it was obvious to me that he didn’t want to talk about it. Gibbs had walked away from me twice already, and I wasn’t going to give him an opportunity to do it again. My ego could only take so many blows.

But I think I would have stayed and suffered through Ducky’s anger, Abby’s indifference, McGee’s disdain, and Ziva’s lack of faith if I felt I could still trust Gibbs.

Because even though Gibbs brushed me aside when he took his job back and I was demoted to senior field agent, until recently I thought I could still trust him to watch my back in the field. Gibbs never let personal feelings get in the way of doing his job, and part of his job was to watch my back.

But after what happened the other day when Franks knocked me out, I didn’t feel that way any longer. Although it wasn’t obvious at first that Mike was the one who hit me, it became apparent as the case played out that he was the culprit.

And Gibbs hadn’t done a thing about it.

Not a word was said about who attacked me, but everyone knew. Mike didn’t apologize, he just waltzed away back to Mexico like nothing happened. But then Franks was the one who taught Gibbs to never apologize, so what did I expect?

I guess they all figured I’d had so many concussions in the past, what was one more?

But that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I already didn’t trust Ziva or McGee to watch my back in the field, but if I couldn’t trust Gibbs either, there was no point in staying.

As the plane continued its journey to Spain, I felt my reaction to the way they all treated me was justified and that I’d made the right decision.

Chapter Three - Anticipation

As I sat on a bench across the street from Tony’s hotel, sipping coffee and pretending to read a newspaper while I watched for him to get home from work, I thought about the last couple of days since I found out Tony had left DC. Unfortunately, I’d had to wait several hours for a flight to Rota, so by the time I had arrived it was the middle of the night, and I knew it would definitely be a bad idea to try to see Tony then, even if I’d known his exact location at the time. I didn’t think he’d be very receptive to someone banging on his door at two in the morning.

I also knew it would be a bad idea to try to see Tony at work. As I often went to great lengths myself to avoid talking about anything personal while on duty, I couldn’t very well start what would turn out to be a very personal conversation with Tony in that setting.

After I found a hotel room and then slept fitfully for the remainder of the night, I had to call Abby to find out where Tony was staying. I knew finding that information was something I could myself do if I had to, but I was afraid that Tony would be tipped off that someone was looking for him, and I didn’t want Tony to know I was here until I could see him in person, and Abby could get the information without alerting anyone. I didn’t want him to have too much time to think about all the reasons he didn’t want to talk to me.

That conversation with Abby wasn’t something I wanted to repeat, ever. After listening to her babble incoherently for a while, I’d had to practically yell at her to get her to listen to me and convince her to find the information I needed. Granted, when Abby had come in to work a couple of days ago to find both me and Tony gone, that had greatly rattled her world. That didn’t stop me from hanging up on her after she’d found the name of Tony’s hotel for me, though. She’d wanted reassurances from me that everything would be fine; that I’d convince Tony to come back to DC, but I didn’t have any reassurances to give even myself.

It was times like this that I really missed being able to talk with Ducky. Before I left for Mexico, he’d always been there when I needed advice, and sometimes when I didn’t need it. I didn’t know what I’d done to piss him off, but nowadays he only spoke to me if it regarded a case. I didn’t know how to make things right with him, any more than I knew how to make things right with Tony.

But unlike my troubles with Ducky, I knew what I’d done to piss Tony off; at least I had a good idea what I’d done wrong. If I could convince Tony to let me in his hotel room and talk with me, I could at least try to make things right with him.

I’d been waiting on this bench for a couple of hours already, arriving well before I knew Tony would leave work. I thought the extra time would do me good, maybe help settle my nerves that had been steadily building since I got on that flight the day before. I hadn’t felt this nervous since I’d had to work up the courage to talk to Shannon for the first time.

The anticipation, the uncertainty, was killing me; at least it seemed that way to me. I used to think I knew Tony very well, maybe better than anyone else. I used to think I would know what he would think in any given situation. But now I wasn’t so sure about how he would feel, how he was feeling right now. So much was riding on this. Like my entire future.

I knew Tony had every right to refuse to even talk to me, and I wouldn’t blame him a bit if he slammed the door in my face, but I decided to take a page from Abby’s book and try to think positive.

I remembered the conversation I’d had with the director earlier in the day. She’d been surprised to hear from me so soon after I’d told her I was taking an indefinite leave. I just hoped the idea I had forming in the back of my mind would be welcomed by Tony. It had taken some convincing to get Jenny to agree to my idea, but I knew I was an asset to NCIS and I had capitalized on that fact to get what I wanted.

But first, I had to get him to talk to me, or at least listen to what I had to say.

All this uncertainty wasn’t like me at all. Usually I’m so sure of myself; confident, able to get what I wanted with a barked command or a well placed glare, but somehow I didn’t think that approach would work with Tony this time.

I knew I was going to have to open up and tell Tony that he’s important to me, how I really feel about him, how much I miss him and how stupid I’ve been since I returned from Mexico. And if there was one thing I really hated it was talking about my feelings, but if there was chance I could get Tony back, then that’s what I would do.

As I saw Tony being dropped off in front of the hotel, my anxiety increased. My mind started filling up with ‘what ifs’: What if I’d hurt him too badly, what if he wouldn’t listen to me, what if he slammed the door in my face?

I tried to push all those thoughts aside as I followed him into the building a few minutes later. When I got to Tony’s door, I hesitated. This was so unlike me. I’d faced danger head on. I’d been in life and death situations so many times I’d lost count of them. So why was this so hard? *Suck it up, Marine* I said to myself, and then knocked on his door.

Tony’s POV

Nobody could have been more surprised than I was when I saw Gibbs sitting on a bench across the street when I was dropped off after work in front of my hotel. He was trying to be inconspicuous, but when you’ve known someone as long as I’ve known Gibbs, well, he stood out like a sore thumb.

I acted like I didn’t see him though and just entered the hotel. If Gibbs needed to see me about a case, he would have come to the office or called me on the phone, ditto if someone back in DC had been hurt. For him to show up at my hotel, in Rota, Spain, meant it was personal. If I’d thought leaving DC would get him to finally talk to me, I would have accepted the promotion the first time Jenny offered it. That would have saved me a lot of grief, and I wouldn’t have added another concussion to my ever growing collection.

I went up to the desk in the lobby and asked for a bottle of bourbon and a couple of glasses to take with me up to my room. As generous as Jenny was being providing me with a hotel room until I could find an apartment, I figured the cost of the bourbon would be coming out of my pocket, but if Gibbs was finally ready to talk, it would definitely come in handy.

I made it up to my room, sat on the sofa, opened the bottle of bourbon and poured some into the two glasses and then waited. I didn’t have to wait long. Within five minutes there was a knock on my door. Even though I was expecting it, I still jumped. I guess I was more nervous than I thought. As I got up to answer the door, I thought as much as I missed him and still loved him, Gibbs still had a lot of explaining to do. If he couldn’t come up with valid reasons for the way he treated me, he could just hop back on the plane and take his ass back to DC.

When I answered the door, there he stood, looking just as nervous as I felt. The thought that he was as nervous as I was helped me gain some confidence. I said, “Fancy meeting you here. Were you just in the neighborhood and thought you’d drop by?”

Gibbs had a hard time looking into my eyes, but he finally did. He asked, “May I come in.”

It seemed Gibbs was going to be on his best behavior. The Gibbs I knew would have just barged in as soon as the door was opened. Part of me wanted to slam the door in his face, but another part of me wanted those explanations, so I stepped aside and let him in.

He walked into the room and immediately noticed the bottle of bourbon and the two glasses sitting on the coffee table. He asked, surprised, “Were you expecting someone?”

I replied, “I saw you across the street. Didn’t figure you were here to see anyone besides me.”

Gibbs looked a little chagrined and said, “Guess I’m losing my touch.” He turned to face me and asked, “May I sit down?”

I replied, “Sure, have a seat.” He sat down on the sofa and I sat next to him, but not too close. That would definitely be a bad idea. We hadn’t been this close to each other while it was just the two of us since he left for Mexico months ago.

Gibbs was uncharacteristically fidgety. He finally picked up a glass of bourbon and took a sip. That seemed to settle him a little. He looked at me and asked, “Why did you leave?”

Usually I was reticent to explain my motives to anyone, but I’d been bottling things up for a long time, and I decided to let Gibbs have it all.

“Well, it could be because McGee thinks I’m a buffoon with a badge who can’t lead a team, even though I’d just lead one for over four months. Or it could be because Ziva didn’t have faith in me when I was team leader and called you instead when she needed help. Maybe it’s because Abby was so obsessed with you coming back that she forgot about the people who were still there. It could have been because Ducky was so angry when you left that he stopped listening to anyone else.”

Gibbs looked at me like he knew none of those were my real reasons for leaving and said, “But it wasn’t any of those things, was it?”

“Well, it could have been because you broke a promise to me when you left, but I understood why you left the first time. You barely remembered me, let alone the fact that we had practically moved in together. The second time you left without saying goodbye was harder to take, but really, you weren’t the first person in my life to promise me forever and then take off. It would have sucked, but I could have lived with that. What I can’t live with is working with a team who doesn’t have my back.”

Gibbs actually looked affronted at that and said, “Tony, no matter what else is going on, we would always have your back.”

“Forgive me if I find that hard to believe after what happened with Mike Franks.”

“You left because Mike Franks hit you?” Gibbs asked, surprised.

“Actually, it wasn’t because Franks knocked me out. It was because of what happened after he hit me.”

“But nothing happened after that.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.” Gibbs seemed genuinely confused.

“I waited after Franks hit me for someone to do something; for Franks to apologize - fat chance of that ever happening, or for you to say something to him, to say something to me, to actually do something about it. You acted like it never happened and Franks just went back to Mexico. When you came to check on me, you were more worried about how cozy I’d gotten with the director while you were gone than the fact that I’d just been knocked unconscious. That was just icing on the cake.”

Gibbs said, “I know it probably doesn’t help much, but I do have an explanation for what I said about Jenny that day.”

“I’d love to hear it.”

“I was jealous,” He said, sounding embarrassed. “You called her Jenny and I was afraid that the two of you had…” He trailed off, his meaning clear.

“Not that it would be any concern of yours if the two of us had done anything while you were gone, we didn’t. As difficult as it may be for you to believe, she actually came to respect me as a competent agent while you were gone, and people she respects are invited to call her by her first name.”

“Tony,” Gibbs said, “I’ve always known you were a competent agent. I wouldn’t have hired you otherwise.”

“Excuse me if I find that hard to believe after you demoted me when you decided you didn’t want to retire after all,” I said sarcastically. “I’m sure there was no other team in the entire agency that wouldn’t have you.”

“Tony, I feel about the team like the way you do, or did. The team was family to me and I just wanted my family back. Now, you are the only family that really matters. I know I went about taking the team back the wrong way.”

“Damn right, you did.”

“I know it’s probably too little, too late, but you did do a good job while I was gone and I should have told you that, and thanked you for holding them together. As for the way they’ve all been treating you, I should have stepped up and said and did something about it, and I apologize.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything. Gibbs had never apologized to me for anything, even when it was just the two of us. Gibbs took advantage of my silence after such a long rant and continued.

“As for the promise I made you,” he hesitated and then asked, “You know about my first wife and daughter?”

“Yes, the director told us about them while you were in the hospital.”

“When I lost them, my life was destroyed. I came very close to killing myself after they died. Only the thought of what Shannon would think if I did that stopped me, and I forced myself to live without them.

He took another sip of bourbon and then continued, “When I left for Mexico, I honestly didn’t remember you and I had been in a relationship, but I did remember while I was there. All the feelings I had after I lost Shannon and Kelly were fresh in my mind again, and I didn’t ever want to feel that way again.

“I thought if I lost you, too, I’d never survive it. I remembered all the times I came close to losing you and I was afraid.”

I was shocked; I had never heard Gibbs admit to being afraid of anything before.

He continued, “But I’ve done a lot of thinking since I came in to work the other day and found out you’d gone. I thought about a lot of things I should have thought about in the first place. He looked me in the eyes and said, “As much as it hurt to lose Shannon and Kelly, I wouldn’t trade even one minute I had with them for anything. I should have remembered that before I let you go.”

Jethro had never opened up like that to me before and I knew he meant what he was saying. I said, “So what happens now?”

“I know I don’t deserve it, but I do love you and I’d like it if you gave me another chance.”

“As much as I love you, too, I’m not going back to DC,” I said. “I can’t work with Ziva and McGee when they don’t respect me. I’ve gotten more respect from my new team in the last two days than I’ve gotten from them in the last six months.”

“I understand.”

Strangely, Gibbs looked like he really did understand, but I wasn’t finished yet. “And you still haven’t explained to me what the deal is with Franks.”

“I was kinda hoping you’d forgotten about that,” Gibbs said sheepishly.

“Not a chance.”

Gibbs sighed, took another sip of bourbon, then seemed to make up his mind about something and said, “As pissed as I was with Mike about what he’d done to you, when he admitted it to me, he’d done something else that overshadowed that.”

Gibbs was acting like he didn’t want to tell me what Franks had done, but thinking about the case and what had gone down, I could make a good guess about what it was. I decided to let Gibbs off the hook telling me what Franks had done; what he probably felt was a betrayal of his former boss, and tell him what I thought. “He killed Kobach, didn’t he? And judging from the pattern of the gunshots I heard after you went in, I’d say he killed him after he surrendered.”

I don’t think I’d ever seen Gibbs look more surprised, and I could tell I was right about my theory.

He said, “I hate to admit it, but you’re right. But I will promise you one thing; if I ever run into Mike Franks again, he’s gonna be nursing a broken jaw for attacking you.”

It didn’t sit well with me letting Franks get away with murder. If I thought I could charge Mike without getting Gibbs into trouble, too, I would do it in a heartbeat. The only thing that made the idea of him getting away with murder palatable was the fact that the man he killed was a dirtbag.

So I just said, “I’ll hold you to that.” I paused, unsure of what to say next, but managed, “So what do we do now? Long distance relationships suck, but I’m not leaving Rota, and I can’t see you leaving DC.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Tony. I would leave DC. I talked to the director earlier today, and if you’ll have me, she’s offered me a position on your team as senior field agent.”

I was shocked. Never in my life did I think that Gibbs would ever leave DC, and the home he had shared with Shannon and Kelly, for me. I said, “You’d do that for me?”

Gibbs answered sincerely, looking me right in the eyes, “I love you, Tony, I’d do anything for you.”

I still had a hard time believing Gibbs would give up the people he considered family for me and asked, “What about the team, and Abby and Ducky?”

Gibbs replied, “They’re all adults, Tony. I can’t make decisions about the rest of my life based on what they might think or want. I have to do what’s best for me. And what’s best for me is being with you. Besides, it’s not like we can’t ever go back to visit once in a while.”

He seemed to sincerely mean what he said, so I replied, “Okay, you can be on my team on one condition.”

“Name it.”

I leaned towards him and said, “The first vacation we take is to Mexico.”

“You got it.”

“Oh, and Gibbs?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about head slaps as a form of discipline?”

“Don’t push it, Tony!”