Disclaimer: None of it’s mine except the “what if”. The characters and spoilers all belong to Bellisario and CBS. No money made, only good times to be had.

Spoilers for mentions of SWAK, Twilight, Hiatus and big spoilers for episode 4.19 Grace Period, minus Col. Mann and Jeanne (I would have been fine with those relationships NEVER happening)

Warnings: SLASH Pairing Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby is mentioned, reference to character death

Graceless
by WCUGirl

They hadn’t been together in a physical way since the time they spent in Gitmo years earlier. They’d stayed in touch, talked on the phone, shot emails back and forth, never told anyone about their not-so-secret tryst, gone for beers like any buddies do and they hadn’t been together in years. In the years since they’d been together, both had moved on, had other lovers, settled down. At least Tony had settled down. He and Gibbs had been together since before Tony’d had the plague a couple of years earlier.

Life was good. It was settled, it was peaceful (well as peaceful as life can be for a major crime response team for a federal agency), it was happy, it was comfortable, it made sense. Tony had moved in with Gibbs and they’d told the team and life had gone on. The team worked its rotations, fulfilled its responsibilities, remained the team with the highest rate of solved cases and it was good. Predictable.

Gibbs and Tony had been through their fair share of hard times. Tony having the plague when their relationship was so new was definitely a test for the new lovers. Losing Kate was a test for everyone. Then there was the explosion on the ship that led to Gibbs losing his memory. That had nearly ruined the lovers’ relationship…Gibbs had left and Tony had been nearly insane with grief, hiding it behind his masks, smiling and leading the team as though there was nowhere else in the world he’d rather be. Gibbs had returned, memory in tact, and begged for Tony to forgive him. Life had returned to normal. The team was closer than ever and Gibbs had retired rule number 12. In celebration of the lapse of the rule, the team was excited to learn that McGee and Abby had been quietly seeing each other for some time, and had decided to get married.

That was the reason, when the call came in that Saturday afternoon, that Gibbs had asked Jenny to assign the case to another team. They were having a party to celebrate Tim and Abby’s engagement and hadn’t wanted to end their festivities early (and the fact that none of them were sure they’d be able to safely maneuver a car hadn’t helped). Jenny, pissed but not admitting it, reluctantly agreed and assigned the case to Agent Paula Cassidy’s team.

Looking back on the events later, that was the moment when Tony would say everything went to hell in a hand basket.

The team was on a stakeout, watching a suspected group of terrorists who hadn’t directly linked themselves to Al Qaeda yet, but suspicions were high that it was only a matter of time. They didn’t know they’d been spotted. They didn’t know they’d been recognized.

Early Sunday morning, Tony’s cell phone rang.

“McEarly Bird you better have a good reason for waking me up at�"”

“Tony-you-and-Gibbs-have-to-get-up-we-have-to-go-to-work-there’s-been-an-explosion-the-team-has-been-killed-they’re-all-dead-Tony-we-have-to-go�"”

Tony sat up in bed, any hope of falling back to sleep lost. Beside him, Gibbs sat up and looked at him expectantly.

“WOAH! Wait a minute slow down and start over. Try speaking in sentences this time,” Tony said.

“Agent Cassidy’s team. They were made. There was an explosion. NCIS has reason to believe the entire team has been eliminated. Jenny wants us in now.”

Tony was out of bed and half dressed by this point. “We’re on our way Tim,” he said and hung up before McGee could reply.

Gibbs was also almost dressed and was looking curiously at Tony waiting to hear the full story. He had only caught a few words, but he knew the basics.

“Paula’s team…they were made…there’s been an explosion…” Gibbs eyed Tony carefully, watching his response. He knew that Tony and Paula had a “thing” a long time ago, and was waiting to see how the emotions clouding Tony’s eyes would play out.

“Well let’s go DiNozzo. We’re doing no good woolgathering here.”

*****

Agent Paula Cassidy had been the only survivor on her team. She was in shock, battling a concussion and tremendous survivor’s guilt and had sworn vengeance on the bastards that killed her team. Her family. Gibbs took her on and let his team fuss over her. They let her help with the investigation, but all of them felt sure when the time came to apprehend the suspects, Paula wouldn’t be let anywhere near any of them.

*****

Jenny assured Gibbs that these peaceniks had been cleared. They wanted to make amends for what had happened by holding a memorial for the fallen agents at the site of the bombing. Gibbs’ gut was recoiling horribly at the idea; he knew something was going to go wrong…he just hadn’t counted on it going this wrong.

Gibbs hadn’t reacted when he heard Tony’s quiet words to Paula. “It should have been us,” he’d said, almost regretfully. Gibbs’ heart ached for Tony; he knew his lover had been good friends with some of the members of that team. “We were supposed to take this case,” Tony whispered.

Paula turned away, sickened to realize that her team could have been spared, but equally sick thinking that she could have lost Tony instead. They hadn’t been together in years, but they were good friends. Paula looked sadly at Tony. “You know Tony,” she said quietly, “life is too short to not tell someone when you love them.”

Tony gave her a strange look then tapped her twice under her chin. “Love ya too Cassidy,” he said quietly, purposefully misinterpreting what she’d meant. Paula knew the dirt on Gibbs and Tony’s relationship�"Tony and Paula had gone for many “therapy” sessions over beer while Gibbs had been away.

Gibbs sent Ziva outside; Tony and Cassidy were both posted inside, close by in case they were needed, but still trying to appear helpful as they prepared for the memorial to begin. Gibbs’ phone rang and Tony’s gut suddenly kicked into overdrive. He’d learned from Gibbs that his gut should be trusted�"if he felt something was about to go down, follow that instinct.

So far it had kept him alive.

And then Gibbs was off the phone and restraining the men. “One of these guys is the accomplice,” he growled when Tony looked at him questioningly. “Where’s the other one,” Gibbs growled.

“He was here a minute ago,” one of the men moaned.

“Keep your hands where we can see them,” Tony called, drawing his gun, ready to act in a split second’s notice.

That was the moment the heavy mystery door opened behind Tony. Gibbs’ eyes widened at the sight; Paula’s jaw dropped, and Tony almost didn’t want to turn around.

There, in the next room over, the ring leader of the peaceniks, smiled joyfully at them, C-4 strapped all around his torso, detonator in his hand.

“I get to take out two teams! Won’t your director be heartbroken,” he murmured, fingers flicking lightly on the detonator.

Tony didn’t think; he only reacted. Save the team, save the team, save the team, the voice in his head screamed, even as his feet began to run. But Paula was faster. She tackled the bomber to the ground, her foot catching on the door and slamming it behind her, sealing it shut...

The explosion rocked the building, dirt and debris dumped on their heads, flames and smoke erupted ominously from under the door. Tony clung to the bricks; it seemed to be the only thing holding him up. The backup McGee had called for from the office suddenly was there, and they immediately secured the scene, took the others into custody, and gave Gibbs and his team as much space as they could.

Tony stayed where he was, clinging to the bricks.

Gibbs was finally able to get over to him after he turned the suspects over to the other team. He climbed over the broken ceiling tiles and cinder blocks, not watching where he was stepping, instead his eyes were focused only on Tony. Tony was clinging to the bricks, eyes shut tight, not moving, not speaking, not processing, just clinging.

Gibbs stepped up behind him and lightly ran a hand over his shoulder. Tony flinched slightly at the touch, unaware of who it was behind him.

“Tony,” Gibbs said quietly, “c’mon Tony. C’mon.”

With gentle hands he carefully plucked his lover off the wall and turned him around. Tony’s face was bruised and dirty; he’d caught most of the brunt of the blast that escaped through the door, felt it vibrate through his body and slam him ungracefully against the brick wall. And there he’d clung. Clinging to that one moment, that one blip in time and space where everything was quiet. Peaceful. That moment during an explosion, right after the blast and right before the chaos. There was a split second before the world crashed into its graceless pit of despair and ruin. There Tony had clung. Fingers hooked into the bricks and he’d simply shut out the world.

“I gotcha Tony.” Tony’s steps faltered as Gibbs led him toward the door. Gibbs supported him, held him up, even as Tony buried his face in Gibbs’ neck. He couldn’t face what had happened, couldn’t face that he should have died twice in this building, couldn’t face the loss of another friend while he stood by helpless, witness to the horror but unable to stop it.

Gibbs took in how Tony’s body was shaking. He wasn’t responding, but then, no one really was; they were all in shock. He led Tony to the car and opened the passenger door. He eased Tony down in the seat then dug in the trunk and pulled out a blanket. Carefully wrapping it around Tony’s shoulders, Gibbs knelt in front of him.

“Tony?”

Tony’s eyes flickered before finally resting on Gibbs’ solemn gaze.

“’Ro…” he moaned, “Oh God,” he put his head in his hands, “I tried to stop her! Gibbs I couldn’t get to her in time! It should have been me! God ‘Ro, Paula is dead and it should have been me,” he moaned quietly into his hands that now covered his face.

Gibbs took Tony’s face in his hands. “Listen to me Tony,” he said quietly. He got no response. “Tony look at me.” Again, no response. Gibbs sighed. “AGENT DINOZZO!”

Tony’s eyes immediately looked up and Tony snapped to attention. “Yeah Boss?”

“Tony listen to me. None of this is your fault. Y’hear me? Paula…there was no way to save her Tony…she was going to do…Tony you couldn’t have stopped her. All that would have happened is you would have been in that room too,” Gibbs choked out around the sudden lump in his throat. “God help me,” he finally managed to continue in an agonized voice, “God help me I couldn’t have stood it if it had been you, Tony…I’m so glad you’re safe,” Gibbs pulled Tony in close. He didn’t care what anyone else said.

“Agent Gibbs,” Senior Special Agent Mike Wilson stood behind them. Gibbs turned to look at him.

“Yeah Wilson? What ya got?”

“The scene is secured, Gibbs. I’m not taking your statements right now. You guys need to go home, get calmed down, take a shower, get some rest, that sorta thing. I already spoke with Director Sheppard. She agrees. We’ll take your statements at another time. Go home Gibbs,” he eyed Tony carefully who seemed to have shut down again, “go take it easy,” he said quietly.

“Take it easy?” Tony was suddenly aware of the conversation and angry. “Take. It. Easy? An entire team has been completely…completely eliminated…my…my friends are dead…and you want me to take. It. EASY?” Tony advanced on Agent Wilson as though to attack him but Gibbs moved in between them and intercepted.

“Easy Tony. Just relax. Take a deep breath. Wilson’s here to help.”

Tony deflated. “Sorry,” he said quietly.

“No problem man. It’s a bad day for everyone.”

*****
Gibbs rounded up Ziva and together they headed back to NCIS. Ever since Kate it was an unspoken rule to check back in with the others at the office before going home. When they arrived back, Abby met them in the bullpen along with McGee, Palmer and Ducky and as soon as the elevator doors opened Abby sprinted for her team, her friends, needing to touch them and see for herself that they were alright.

She wasn’t prepared for Tony to flinch away when she moved to hug him; she tried again and Tony made a low keening sound in his throat and flinched away again, moving back towards the elevator. Gibbs moved quietly between them and pulled Abby into a tight hug.

“Give him some time Abs. Paula didn’t make it,” he said quietly.

It was as though he’d yelled it at the top of his lungs. The members of their family that hadn’t been on scene blinked in shock, only just realizing that Paula wasn’t with them. Behind Gibbs, Tony made a choking sound in his throat as the tears threatened to take over again. He’d lost it once already in the car on the way over; he was determined to hold it together in the office.

Jenny Sheppard stepped forward. Her heart was torn; part of her wanted to embrace the team and share their grief, and part of her wanted to stomp her feet and asked just what in the hell had gone wrong. Silently she met Gibbs’ gaze.

“Your team is off rotation for two weeks Gibbs.” She turned to the others. “Palmer, Abby, Ducky, that includes you all too. Go home. Agent Wilson will be in touch when he’s ready to take your statements.”

Gibbs looked up at his team. “You heard her,” he said. “Let’s go home.” He guided Tony back into the elevator and pushed them back in the corner so everyone else could crowd in with them. He waited until the doors shut then put his arms tight around Tony, pulling him in close.

“Gibbs…”

“Not now Abby. Ok everyone, let’s meet at my house and decompress.”

They each went to their own cars, except for Tony. Gibbs was becoming concerned; Tony seemed to be in a bad state of shock and didn’t seem to be bouncing back from it. He caught Ducky’s eye. Ducky nodded, understanding, and got in his car. Gibbs turned back to helping Tony in the car.

“C’mon Tony, we’re goin home. It’s gonna be alright.”

*****
Everyone was devastated. Even Ziva, who hadn’t known Paula as long or as well, was saddened by her death. But Tony…Tony was inconsolable it seemed.

Gibbs parked his car in the garage and took Tony in the back of the house and up the backsteps to the bedroom. He eased him gently down on the bed and helped him lay back.

“Gonna get a washcloth Tony. I need to clean your face up and see what’s a bruise and what’s dirt.”

Tony nodded and watched as Gibbs started to move away. He didn’t even realize his hand was moving until he’d grabbed Gibbs’ wrist.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere Tony. I’m getting a wash cloth. You can see me the whole time. I’m going to step to the bathroom and come right back to you. Just sit tight.”

Gibbs felt Tony’s eyes following him as he moved quickly into the bathroom to grab what he needed. Ducky was in the doorway when he returned.

“Ah Jethro there you are, I was wondering.”

“Just getting a washcloth Ducky. Thought I’d help Tony clean his face off.”

Ducky looked questioningly at Jethro before returning his gaze to Tony. “My dear boy,” Ducky said quietly. “How close were you to the explosion?”

“Not close enough to stop it,” Tony said quietly. “Not close enough to save anyone.”

Ducky began a very light, very simple examination, along with Jethro’s help and together they soon had Tony changed into gym shorts and a t-shirt and laying back in bed. Ducky moved to sit down beside Tony on the edge of the bed, while Gibbs moved over onto his side of the bed and sat on Tony’s other side.

“I believe he has a mild concussion Jethro, judging by the sluggishness of our Anthony’s pupils. I also believe he’s in a fair amount of pain from the shock of the explosion itself. You said the only thing between you and the explosion was a brick wall, is that correct Tony?”

Tony, curled on his side, arms hugging his torso, nodded.

“Yes, I believe that your body is just in shock from the physical as well as emotional blow. Some good rest and good food should take care of both in good time.”

“Don’t wanna sleep,” Tony whispered. “Don’t wanna see it…can’t…”

Ducky looked at Gibbs. “Did he actually see the aftermath of the explosion Jethro? Did he see Agent Cassidy?”

Gibbs shook his head. “No Duck. There was the wall…he couldn’t see anything; none of us could see anything except the flames under the door.”

“She screamed,” Tony whispered, “in that split second before the bomb went off I heard Paula scream. She was scared Gibbs…she died alone and scared…I couldn’t get to her…I�"”

Gibbs pulled him in close and Tony rolled over and buried his head against Jethro’s chest. Gibbs watched as Ducky drew up a syringe and he nodded when Ducky silently asked permission.

Tony barely flinched as Ducky expertly injected the sedative into Tony’s bicep.

“There, there dear boy. A light sedative, it should help you relax some. You need rest.”

Tony clung to Gibbs, even as he felt the drugs begin to take effect. Gibbs kept his arms wrapped tightly around him. He pressed a kiss to Tony’s forehead.

“Gonna be okay Tony,” he whispered and was rewarded when he felt Tony barely nod against his neck. He pressed another kiss to his lover’s forehead, taking another moment to thank any God listening that his Tony was safe. Somehow Tony had slipped away mostly unharmed again. He didn’t understand how, he only knew he was relieved.

Gibbs sensed the presence of others and glanced up to see Abby, McGee, and Ziva all standing in his doorway. Tony’s grip was getting more lax with each passing second and Gibbs motioned the others into the room with his head.

Abby was the first to join the two on their large king-size bed. She crawled up behind Tony, who was now sound asleep, and wrapped her arms around him. McGee crawled in behind Abby and wrapped his arms around her middle, his chest tight with anxiety and sadness. Ziva moved closer nervously, unsure of her place or her welcome in the midst of this.

“C’mon Ziva,” Gibbs said quietly, holding out his arm in welcome and she wordlessly slipped into the bed beside Gibbs, her head on his other shoulder. Ducky sat down on the edge and stared at Gibbs, Palmer sat on his knees at the side of the bed, his elbows resting on the mattress and looked morosely at the others.

It was the same thing the team had done the night Kate had been killed. They were more than a team, more than friends. They were a family and in those graceless moments when the chaos of the world threatened to take over, they pulled together. They knew not to ever take each other for granted; life had taught them that.

Words weren’t needed here, only comfort, silent except for the occasional sniffle of escaping tears. Gibbs looked at the quiet members of his team and hoped with everything he had that this moment, this split second of peace would be enough to carry them through the graceless hells they still had yet to face.