Disclaimer: I own none of the Characters of NCIS. This is purely a work of fiction.
Chapter 1
Love Changes Everything
by:
Dragonlver

The day started like any other day. Tony making stupid jokes and getting the back of his head slapped by Gibbs. It was supposed to be a routine case, unbeknownst to the team it was anything but. It proceeded like all their cases. It was a murder, a killer, clues, and evidence. They followed all the evidence, what changed was the ending however.
It was a joint effort with the FBI. They apprehended the guy and that's where everything changed and McGee's life was shattered.
Just as Agent Fornell was cuffing the guy he grabbed Fornell's gun. As the two men struggled the gun went off shooting Gibbs in the chest.
Tim had been talking to Gibbs when out of the corner of his eye he saw the struggle commence. Just as he turned,Gibbs shoved the young agent of of the way, taking the bullet that McGee thought was meant for him.
McGee grabbed Gibbs head and gently placed the older man's head in his lap as the screamed for help.
“Dammit Gibbs you don't have permission to die! You hear me Gibbs, you can't die on us Leroy Jethroe Gibbs! Dammit don't you dare die on me!” Tim screamed.
As Ducky walked up to McGee the young agents anguished cry came out strangled and strained. “ Save him Ducky! Please save him” Just as anguished cry came out the storm that had been brewing broke loose and the rain began to fall, like the tears falling from Tim's green eyes. His heart and world shattered as Ducky leaned in close to McGee and whispered “ Tim I’m so sorry but Gibbs is gone. There is nothing I can do for him. You have to let him go Timothy they are here to take him”

Gently Tim felt himself pried from the only man he had ever loved. McGee didn't know when it had happened. His mind warred with itself. He was straight and always had been and yet he realized that he, Timothy McGee was in love with another man. A man he has lost forever. Through a fog McGee watched as Gibbs was loaded into the M.E.'s wagon. He doesn't remember how he got back to NCIS headquarter or home.
Over the next couple of days McGee didn't remember much at all. He went to work did his job and looked at the empty desk where Gibbs used to sit. The emptiness inside Tim grew and grew. He slept little or not at all and ate even less.
The day before Gibbs funeral as he sat at his desk, staring off into space lost in his memories, Tony came over and tried to brighten McGee's spirits.
“What do you want Tony, I'm busy.”
“Are you alright McGee?”

Chapter 2


“ I'm fine Tony. Now what do you want? I am busy”
“ I was just thinking.”
“ I know what you and everybody else have been thinking since we lost Gibbs, Tony!”
McGee snarled. “ You all think it was my fault that Gibbs got shot and died. It was my fault and I should be the one on the slab in the morgue. Isn't that right Tony! That it's my funeral we should be having not Gibbs. That is was the stupid,dumb,clumsy, Probie, that got Gibbs killed! That if it wasn't for me, he would still be alive! That if he had never brought me on board he would still be here. Well Tony! Isn't that it?” Tim yelled at him.
Making every effort to keep the tears from falling as he stared at Tony. The look on Tony's face told him that he had said to much. Grabbing his backpack McGee rushed out of the bullpen and down the stairs as his emotion's got the better of him.
Reaching his car he hurriedly unlocked it and threw his backpack in. Sitting behind the wheel he let his tears flow as the emotions he had bottled up inside cam crashing down upon the young man. Sitting there letting the tears fall Tim remembered what Gibbs had said that first day.
“ Your mine” Gibbs had said.
Tim never really knew what the man had meant by saying that and now he never would. Suddenly a tapping on his car window startled McGee out of his memories. Looking up with tear stained eyes he saw Tony's face looking back at him.
Rolling down the window “ what is it now Tony? Didn't you humiliate and hurt me enough in the bullpen. Now you came down here to finish the job?”
“Tim I was only going to see if you wanted to get a drink after work. Thats What I had been thinking about. When you blew up at me. I'm sorry Gibbs death has hit us all hard. I just wasn't aware of how hard it hit you.” Tony said softly.


McGee saw the hurt and concern in his friends eyes and on his face.
“ I'll be alright Tony I just need time. That's all. I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow at the funeral.” McGee told his friend softly afraid his voice would crack.
“Okay Tim. I'll see you there. Be careful going home.” Tony said concern coloring his voice. Tony turned and went back inside the building. Concerned about his friend.
McGee left and drove home not really paying attention just going threw the motions.

McGee arrived at his apartment building, going upstairs to his apartment. He unlocked the door and entered his bedroom. Standing there for what seemed to be an eternity to the young man. He just stood there staring at the suit he had laid out for Gibbs funeral. Finally he sat on the bed and just continued to stare at the suit. For how long he didn't know. Finally he undressed, got into bed, hugged his pillow to his chest, and softly cried himself to sleep one last time.




The funeral was closed casket at Gibbs father's wish. The small chapel was crowded with family and friends, even some faces McGee didn't recognize.
Tim still at the back of the chapel, feeling like he shouldn't be there and that his presence wasn't wanted. McGee was the first to leave and the first to the cemetery. He watched from a distance as the people he once called friends and family starte the pay their last respects. No one spoke to him, nor him to them. The man he loved was gone and he would never get the chance to tell him how he felt. He would never know what it was would be like to be held in his strong arms, to kiss him, to make love to him, and he would never know if Gibbs might love him back. Tim fought to keep the tears at bay.
The man he loved and respected was gone and there was nothing he or anyone could do to bring him back. As the last people left McGee walked slowly to Gibbs grave. Sitting down he began to say what was in his heart and on his mind.

“B..B..Boss I'm so sorry. I know that apologizing is a sign of weakness. At this point in time it's not like it really matters. I couldn't tell you what I wanted to tell you until now and now its to late.” McGee continued unaware of the solitary figure standing behind him.
“B..Boss I have been in love with you since the first time we met. Except for Sarah I have never felt wanted, loved, or felt that I belonged. Until you brought me onto the team. I was a shy geeky guy and now I'm just a broken failure of a man, who loves a man who never knew it and now you never will.”

Suddenly McGee felt a strong pair of hands on his shoulders startling him out of he revelation.
“Son, you may not understand this but Jethroe thought a great deal about you. I know he was very proud of you. He often told me what a kind, gentle soul you are. He told me something else Tim. Do you know what that was?” Gibbs father said looking down into the young agents green eyes.

“No Sir I don't”
“Jethroe once told me that you were a very special young man to him. He told me the last time we talked that no one made him feel like you did. What I'm trying to say Tim is Jethroe told me he loved you but he didn't know how to tell you what his heart wanted to tell you. Do you remembered what Jethroe said your first day Tim?”
“ Yes sir. I do. He looked at me and said 'Your mine McGee' I don't know what he meant by that statement then or now Sir”
“ What he meant Timothy was that from that moment he meant that he loved you and that was the only way he knew how to say it.”
“ Thank you sir. That means a lot to me. I really do appreciate it. How did you know I was even here?”

Chapter 3“ I saw you standing at the back of the chapel and then again here. When I saw you coming up I had to tell you what Jethroe told me. Why didn't you come sit with the rest of us here and at the chapel?”
“ I didn't think anyone would want me here especially since Jethroe died because of me.” Tim said in almost a whisper as he stared at the ground beneath his feet.
The elder Gibbs took McGee's chin in his hand and raised his eyes to meet his own. “Timothy, Tony told me what you said about yourself the other day. About them all not wanting you here or at work. That they all blamed you for Jethroe's death. I want you to know that they were all very deeply hurt by what you said. Then not showing up for the funeral and then not being here at the grave site upset them all a great deal. Tim they all love you so very much. They also know how much your hurting and want to be there for you if you will let them. They don't blame you. What they do know is that Jethroe died protecting the very man he loved with all his heart. Now I will leave you alone to finish. Get some rest Timothy you need it.” The elder Gibbs turned and walked away. Leaving McGee alone.
McGee stood watching as the elder Gibbs walk away. Thinking to himself that he had missed his chance with Jethroe and now it was all gone. McGee left the cemetery and on his way home all he could think about was what the elder Gibbs had said.

For weeks McGee ate little and slept less. He worked long hours despite the protests of his friends and coworkers. He still felt useless and worthless just like when he was a kid. His father had always told him he was useless and nothing he ever did would matter. Finally leaving work exhausted and harried. McGee drove to his special place, a place where he could be alone and think. Pulling up to the cliff the sun was beginning to set over the ocean. This was on of the times of the day that Tim loved the most. He had always wanted to bring Gibbs here and share not only the ocean,the sunset, the sunrises, the soft grass, but the amazing view of the night sky. Now he would never get to share this with the one person who meant the most to him. He would never feel his touch, hiss him, see his smile again, or be able to tell him how much he loved him.
Tim sat in the soft grass felling the ocean's breeze blowing against his skin, cooling the tears that flowed down the young man's cheek. Sitting there silhouetted against the sky, as he watched the sunset, the sky looked like it was on fire. It was the most beautiful sunset that McGee had ever seen. As he watched the emotional walls and dams he had built to try to hold back the tears burst as he thought about how this would be the most perfect sunset to watch with Jethroe. His tears came flooding back. The pain in his heart was unbearable. His body was wracked by the sobs as the tears continued uncontrolled.
“Why? Why? God did you have to take the only person in my life that meant anything to me. Why just this once couldn't I have some happiness in life? Why couldn't someone love me just once? What have I done to deserve this? What horrible thing did I do to make you hate me this much?
Why Gibbs and not me? Why did he have to leave me alone with this hurt and pain?” Tim screamed at the setting sun, as the tears continued to burn his cheeks as they fell. McGee didn't know how long he had laid there. He knew it was late the moon had set and his body ached from the cold we ground. He drove home lost in his thoughts and running on automatic. He let Jett the dog out to do his business. He laid out his clothes for the next day and got ready for bed. Tim crawled into bed exhausted, but before he slept he opened his laptop and clicked on his personal journal entries. Just as he started to type his first entry of the night, McGee remembered the sleeping pills that Ducky had given to try and help him sleep. Glancing at the alarm clock by the bed he noticed the time as 4:30am. He knew that no one would care if he didn't come in today. Hell they wouldn't care, they probably wouldn't even notice him being gone.
He couldn't stand the thought of going back there. Knowing that they all blamed him for Gibbs death and wishing it had been him instead. He knew that they would all be much happier without him, happy to be rid of him.
He thought that they were his friends, his family, people that wanted him and loved him despite his faults. When he needed them he thought that they would be there for him. They however in his time of greatest need they had turned their backs on him and left him to rot in the sewer of his own hurt and anguish.
Blinking back the tears, McGee dumped a bunch of the pills into his hand, leaned his head back and began to swallow pill after pill. As he dumped the last of them into his mouth he followed them with water to make sure they went down with the least amount of discomfort.
Done with that he picked up his laptop and began his final entry in his journal.

Chapter 4 FINAL JOURNAL ENTRY OF TIMOTHY MCGEE.

“ All I ever wanted was to belong to a family, to be special to someone, to find someone to love and be loved by, to be apart of this team. I know now I can never have that. Gibbs death showed me that. I never knew I could love someone, and certainly not another man till I held Gibbs in his final moments. Even though now I realize that I had loved him since the first time I saw him. I didn't know how much I loved him until he was gone. It was something new to me and now I will never know the feel of his touch, his kisses, his laughter,his love or see those blue eyes showing me the love he held in his heart for me.
Without him my life has no meaning,purpose,and is so empty. The grief,guilt,and the emptiness I feel now will never end and I can't go on without him.
Tell Sarah I'm sorry. I love her. I just can't be here for her anymore. I want you all to know that I'm so sorry for what I've done. If you all can find it in your hearts to forgive me I would be truly thankful.



I'm getting sleepy and I just want you all to know that the hate you feel for me , at Gibbs death is nothing compared to that I feel for myself for causing his death. The death of the only person in this world who brough a little bit of happiness into my miserable life.
In these final moments before I sleep forever. I want you all to know this and this only.
“I LOVE YOU LEROY JETHROE GIBBS NOW AND FOREVER. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.”

“ Yes Tony you read this right. I will and will always be in love with another man
and it was none other than our boss, Leroy Jethroe Gibbs.
Always keep him in your hearts and prayers. I ask that you all forgive me.
I love you all.
Goodbye.
Love Timothy McGee.

Tim closed his eyes as a peaceful smile came to his lips. He had finally found peace and was at peace with himself. A last tear fell from Tim's closed eyes as he drifted into the blackness of death.


Tony and Ziva arrived at the office. Stepping out of the elevator only to find the bullpen empty.
“ Where's McGee. He is usually the first one here?”
“Maybe he took the day off DiNozzo. He has been looking rather frazzled and tired.”
“Whose been looking tired Ziva?” Ducky asked as he entered the bullpen, surprising both agents.
“ Tim, Ducky. He's not here and he usually is the first one to get here” Ziva explained.
“Well maybe Tim finally to one of the sleeping pills I prescribed for him. “ Ducky realized with horror as it hit him what he had said. As the two agents looks of horror hit him.
“Oh my dear, you don't think, no he wouldn't” Ducky exclaimed.

“ Ducky he has been so distraught over Gibbs death. He blames himself and he wouldn't even sit with us at the funeral or at the grave sight. He thinks we all blame him and hate him for Gibbs death. I wouldn't rule it out.” Ziva said the worry and concern showing both on her face and in her voice.
“Ziva, you and Ducky go check on McGee. I'm going to call an ambulance and let Director Vance know what might have happened. Now go.” Tony said as he pulled out his phone and ran up the stairs to the Director's office.

Ziva and Ducky left rushing towards the parking lot hoping they made it to McGee's place in time to save the young man.

Tony heard angry voices coming thru the door to Vance's office. One of them was oddly familiar. Not giving it a second thought he barged in.

Chapter 5“DiNozzo this is a private meeting. What the Hell is wrong with you?”
Tony didn't give Vance's visitor even a glance he was to worried about McGee.

“It's McGee, Director he's not here and this isn't like him. He's been really depressed and distraught over Gibbs death.” Tony continued before Vance could interupt him. “ Ducky gave him a prescription for some sleeping pills and we think he might have tried to kill himself.”
Vance's visitor jumped to his feet,turned and looked at DiNozzo. Tony recognized the man instantly.
“Gibbs is that really you?” Tony exclaimed.

“ Yes Tony its really me.” Slapping the senior agent across the back of the head.
“Now what's this about McGee?” Vance interrupted bringing DiNozzo back to reality.

“ Director we think he might of overdosed on the sleeping pills that Ducky had given him. He's been really depressed and distraught over Gibbs death. I sent Ducky and Ziva to check on him and I already called an ambulance just in case. I wanted to let you know the situation.”
Gibbs stormed out of the office and down to the bullpen not even stopping for the elevator. He just ran to the back stairs and took them two at a time. Just as Gibbs reached his car the Director and DiNozzo came down in the elevator.
“It's good to have you back Boss.” Tony called as Gibbs threw open the car door.
“It isn't if it costs McGee his life.” Gibbs yelled as he slammed the car door.

Driving like a maniac Gibbs could think of nothing else but reaching McGee in time. Arriving at McGee's apartment building Gibbs raced up the stairs to his apartment. Only to be stopped by the sight of the paramedics loading Tim into an ambulance.
Gibbs started shouting for Ducky and Ziva as he tore threw the apartment searching for the two of them. Finally stopping as he saw them in the bedroom sitting in front of McGee's laptop.

“Ducky how is Tim?” Gibbs asked the fear evident in his voice.
Both looked up in shocked surprise at the sound of Gibbs voice.
“Gibbs is that you?” They both asked in unison.
“Yes it's me. Now what about McGee?” Gibbs growled his frustration showing in his voice.
“ He is going to be fine. We got to him in time. Thanks to Tony's fast acting and thinking” Ducky explained.
Before Jethroe could ask Ducky told him, “ Bethesda Jethroe. But before you go there is something you need to read on Tim's computer.”
“I don't have time Ducky. I have to get to Tim.”
“No Jethroe you need to read this first. I know that it invades our young man's privacy but it explains an awful lot and before you see him you need to know what drove him to do this.” The look in Ducky's eyes and his tone of voice told Gibbs not to argue with his old friend but to do as he was instructed. Something about what Ducky wasn't saying made him stop and decide maybe his old friend was right.

“Ziva lets leave Jethroe alone and give him some privacy. Why don't we wait for the Director and Tony downstairs.” Ducky said as he guided her towards the bedroom door.
Gibbs took their place on the bed in front of McGee's computer. As he slowly read the words in front of him his heart broke and he could not contain his tears any longer.
As Ducky and Ziva moved out the door, Ducky turned to close the door and saw his young friend doing what no one had ever seen him. In all the years Ducky had known Gibbs he had never seen the man cry or lose control of his emotions until now. Not even when he heard about Shannon and Kelly. It told him that Timothy meant a lot to Gibbs and no one since Shannon and Kelly had touched his heart and soul like McGee had done.
Ducky closed the door softly leaving the younger man to his private hell and pain. Descending the stairs he heard the heated argument and the anger in Ziva's voice.
“Good morning Director, Tony. Its good to see you.”

“Ducky I was just trying to explain to agents DiNozzo and David that Gibbs death was faked to keep you all safe. Gibbs was receiving death threats and so we came up with the idea to fake his death so we could catch the man. Now before you all jump the gun we couldn't tell you or let you in on it because we had to make sure that this assassin was really convinced that he was dead. Or the whole operation might have been blown. The only person we allowed Gibbs to tell was his father because we needed his help in getting this set up. That was the reason for the closed casket his dad insisted on it. Before you all ask no Gibbs was not happy about this and didn't want to do it but I ordered him to do it. I was afraid that this guy would come after his team to get to Gibbs. After the graveside service the assassin come to the grave and put 6 bullet holes in the casket just to make sure Gibbs was dead.

That was when we caught him. He thought the cemetery was closed and we grabbed him before he could get away. That is why Gibbs was being brought back in today. I hope that answers all your questions for now. Where is Gibbs anyway? I thought he would be here by now?”

“He's upstairs Director. Just so you understand you may have well destroyed to of your best agents lives with your little stunt. Now I want it understood that under no circumstances is Gibbs to be disturbed. You will not interrogate him nor will you ask him questions of any kind. He will talk to you when he is ready but right now he needs his privacy more than you need answers. He has a lot to think about. Do not attempt to go up and see him. When he comes down if he wishes to talk he will other wise do not attempt to talk to him or detain him in any way. Do I make myself perfectly clear and understood by you all.” The look on Ducky's face and the tone of his voice left no room for argument. They all nodded in agreement.
“ Now if you all will excuse me I have a patient to attend to at the hospital.” Ducky said as he turned and left the building headed to the hospital to take care of a very sick agent.
“What was that all about Ziva?” Tony asked.
“Tony for once in your life shut up. You are to stay out of it. You are not to question Gibbs or McGee about this. You are not to joke about it. You are not to ever mention this incident again to anyone. That goes for you both. If I find out that you have discussed this or even made a reference to it in anyway I will kill you both. Do you both understand this?” Ziva asked with venom and anger in her voice.

Both men nodded in understanding. Both knowing that Ziva didn't make idol threats but would carry them out. No one was going to hurt her little brother again. Now all she had to do was make sure a certain lab rat would never ask, question, or bring the subject up to Gibbs or McGee. This was going to be tough considering Abby was hard to keep secrets. But she would understand. Ziva would make her understand.

Gibbs sat alone on the bed reading Tim's journal entries. He know how private the young man was but if what he was reading there could help Tim and give him some insight as to why he did this to himself then privacy be dammed. As he read the last few journal entries he realized just how much Tim loved him. How much his death affected him and hurt him. It was then also that Gibbs realized how the young man had touched his own heart and soul. Not since Shannon and Kelly did he feel so alive. It wasn't until McGee that he realized how much he missed having someone depend on him. He still didn't know or understand how or when it happened but he fell in love with Timothy McGee.


It wasn't until he read the final words over and over again that he truly realized how deep Tim's love for him was and it broke his heart to know that he had hurt him so much. As the tears fell even harder Gibbs finally broke down and whispered what he had for so long wanted to tell his young agent. “ I love you Tim. I need you McGee in my life. Your a part of my heart and soul. I can't lose you now. I never meant to hurt you.”

After awhile Gibbs began to slowly pull himself together and left for the hospital. Passing the others in the hallway. Not a word was spoken as the three of them watched him leave. They watched in silence as he got into his car and drove away. When Gibbs was gone Vance turned to Ziva “ Would you mind explaining what just happened here agent David.”

“No Director I would not. Not because I can't but because McGee's own words say it best. There is something I think you both should see and read. Then Tony you can decide to keep your mouth shut or let me do it for you permanently.” Ziva said as she turned and let the two men back to McGee's apartment. Upon entering the bedroom Ziva turned, looking both men in the eye she pointed to McGee's laptop sitting on the bed.
“I want you both to read what McGee has written and once you have read it. It will never be mentioned by anyone. Once you leave this room it stays here. Just never forget what Tim has gone thru.” Ziva glared at both men as they listened to the venom in her voice and the iciness in her glare. “ I want your words on it. That you will never mention it again.”

Both men nodded in agreement. They both new Ziva would do just what she said she would. They all knew how private a person McGee was and so they made a promise to themselves that he would never find out about them reading his most private intimate thoughts. They needed to understand what happened and why he did what he did that was the only reason they violated his privacy like this.

The two men sat down and began to read in silence. Both horrified at what they were reading but yet coming to understand what had happened. Both of the men feeling guilt and shame for what they had put McGee thru. When they finally reached the last journal entry they realized for the first time how hard and how hurt McGee truly was. How he thought that he was responsible and how truly alone he felt. How he thought his family had turned their backs on him.

Gibbs arrived at the hospital and was directed to McGee's room immediately. Approaching the room he spotted Ducky coming out.
“ He must be kept here at least overnight for observation.” Dr Matthews said to Ducky as Gibbs approached.
Turning he spotted Jethroe.
“How is he Ducky?”
“ He's going to be fine Jethroe he just needs rest and a lot of it.”
“Can I see him Duck” Gibbs asked a not of pleading in his voice.
Ducky looked into those pale blue eyes and saw the emotional turmoil that was there. He also saw the genuine love that Gibbs had for McGee reflected there as well.
“ Yes Jethroe you can see him now. It's not like anyone could stop you if I had said no.” Ducky said with a smile on his face. Causing Gibbs to give him a small smirk.
Leaving Ducky and the young doctor in the hall. Gibbs quietly entered the darkened room and moved to the young agents bedside.
Outside the room Ducky and the doctor continued their conversation.
“ Dr. Matthews I want you to see that no one disturbs the two men. I do mean no one. Only you, myself, and one nurse a shift is allowed into that room. You will not in anyway try to remove agent Gibbs from that room and if necessary I want a guard posted outside his door to keep any and all visitors out. No friends, relatives, not even the Director of NCIS is allowed in that room. Do you understand me? If this is not done I know a certain young lady who will take great pleasure in seeing that it is done.” Ducky told him as he gave him one of his best glares.

“ I understand Dr. Mallard and I will make sure no one will disturb them. I will let all the nurses know that Agent Gibbs is not to be bothered and he has permission to stay as long as he needs to.”

Gibbs quietly sat next to Tim's bed. Reaching over he softly brushed the hair back off the younger mans forehead. Taking McGee's hand in his own he leaned over and gently kissed Tim's lips. He finally did what he had wanted to do for so long. It was a soft kiss. Moving his lips to the younger mans ear Gibbs whispered gently into it, “I love you Timothy McGee. With every fiber of my being. You come back to me you hear. I couldn't stand to lose you not after everything else I have lost. I love you so much Tim.”

Pulling back he looked into the bright green eyes of the man he loved. Seeing the tears filling those eyes “ Its going to be ok McGee I'm here and I'm not leaving you again.”


“B...B..Boss. Is that really you?” Tim croaked.
“Yes its me. No your not dead and neither am I.” Gibbs said'
“ I love you Leroy Jethroe Gibbs. Did you mean what you just said?” Tim croaked.
“ Every word of it. Love changes everything.” Gibbs said kissing Tim's lips one last time before the young man fell into a deep sleep.
As the world drifted away Tim whispered “Stay with me please Jethroe.”
“I'm not going anywhere Tim.” Gibbs watched the man he loved sleeping, he thought about how close to losing him he had come. About how close he came to never being able to kiss him, hold him, or tell him how much he meant to him. He gently kissed him, then laid his head on Tim's chest. Listening to the young man breathe and the kindest heart, Gibbs ever knew ,beating. As Gibbs drifted off to sleep holding hands with the man he loved so dearly.
Both men dreamed of a bright future together. What that future might hold for them. Each man dreaming his separate dreams.

The rest is up to you dear readers to figure out what happens next.
“After all love changes everything.”


ps. The Title of this piece was taken from the title of a Sarah Brightman song by the same name. I hope this inspires you.

All comments are welcome.