One Last Chance

Chapter 1

Tony sat at his desk reading the words on the screen in front of him. He surreptitiously glanced over at McGee and Bishop, both of whom were as absorbed as he appeared to be. Gibbs' desk was empty and with a disappointed sigh, Tony turned back to the monitor. He loved it when the opportunity arose and he and Gibbs were at their respective desks. Tony was also glad their desks were diagonally opposed - it made glancing over for a look at his boss and his friend easier. And in the past few months, Tony did as much Gibbs watching as he possibly could.

Tony's face reddened at this realization. He was starting to feel like a stalker. He wasn't trying to be the creepy stalker type but since having to accept that Ziva was gone for good, things changed for him. Everyone seemed to have noticed except Gibbs but then, even if Gibbs noticed, he probably wouldn't say anything. Sometimes, he could be so cold and other times, so warm. He was an enigma and even after working with the man for so many years, not much had changed on the surface but he knew Gibbs considered him a friend and Tony considered him a friend. But he was still the Boss.

He cracked his neck and sighed as the tenseness in his muscles loosened and he felt like he could focus on the case. If he let his thoughts wander any more, he would be lost.

Gibbs appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "Bishop…go."

The newest "probie" practically jumped out of her chair and started detailing what she'd learned about the latest homicide victim.

Tony waited until it was his cue and he picked up where Bishop and McGee left off, pulling up a photograph and then a map on the plasma, filling in further details he had discovered, all smoothly and he couldn't help but smile a little, knowing that no one would've guessed he was dying a little inside. After he said his piece, he got quiet and everyone waited.

Gibbs looked at him, his eyes narrowed in a frown. "That it, DiNozzo?"

"Uh…yeah, boss. For now. I was ab---"

Gibbs cut Tony off and issued orders to Bishop and McGee who grabbed their gear and headed to the elevator. Tony didn't miss a beat. He turned toward his desk anticipating what Gibbs would want him to do. "Will pull financial records and…" His sentence was cut off as Gibbs reached out and grabbed his forearm, turning him back. Tony looked at his boss with some surprise.

Gibbs met his gaze directly. "What's wrong with you, Tony?"

Tony looked surprised. So he had noticed. "Huh? Why do you think anything is wrong?"

Gibbs tightened his grip. "You said all that and I counted at least three openings for a movie reference and you missed all of them. What's going on?" Tony looked into Gibbs face for the first time in two weeks and Gibbs was startled at what he saw there. Tony automatically started searching Gibbs' eyes. Fear and…something else shone so brightly that Gibbs released Tony from his grip, something in his gaze sent an electric shock through him. It wasn't unpleasant but the discomfort of a long-suppressed emotion washed over him and at that moment, in that place, he couldn't afford to reveal his soul.

Tony swallowed hard before he answered, never taking his gaze off Gibbs but his eyes still searched. "Please don't ask me that, Boss. Not now. Not here. Maybe not ever."

Gibbs kept his face a mask but he only stared at him for a moment before going back to his desk to get his gun and badge. Something is wrong and it's bad, he thought. Real bad. Ziva maybe? Tony not making jokes, no movie references, the frantic searching for…something in his face. Whatever was eating him, he was scared, terrified even. Gibbs didn't usually push his team to tell him anything they didn't want to but his gut told him it was important, almost urgent.

"Grab your gear, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, his gaze never leaving his. "We have work to do."

Tony was relieved that Gibbs dropped it so readily. Gibbs drove to the workplace of the petty officer whose death they were investigating and were able to talk to his coworkers, most of them were very quiet, many seemed sad, not just women but men too. There were a couple of women who cried openly. Tony noticed a pretty secretary who looked sad but she wasn't crying hysterically. He did what he did best, was kind, charming and inside of 15 minutes, he knew who the deceased's closest co-workers were and even that his best friend worked there and who he had little or nothing to do with. Unfortunately, no enemies that she knew of that would want to hurt him. He returned to Gibbs with information and her phone number. Gibbs couldn't help but grin a little as the information Tony gained saved them a huge amount of time talking to people. They were able to get the people who could help them most.

"Good work, DiNozzo." Gibbs said as they made found the petty officer's best friend.

Tony smiled. It was a bright spot in his day. The smile soon died as they spoke with the petty officer's best friend. He had no motive, no reason to want him dead and by the looks of him, it was taking him every ounce of willpower not to just sit down and sob.

It was almost six o'clock by the time Gibbs and DiNozzo left. Once back in the car, Gibbs called McGee with details, gave him orders and dismissed him and Bishop to go home after they finished carrying out the orders he issued.

"You need anything from the office?"

"My car."

"Will you come over to my house afterward? I want you to tell me what's going on." It was said in a soft tone but Tony knew better. This was an order.

"Gibbs, I'm fine. I…"

"Tony!" Gibbs didn't yell but his tone effectively shut the younger man up. "Whatever is bugging you is affecting your work. A distracted agent is a dead agent. Either you talk to me or I will pull you off active duty until the shrink clears you. What'll it be?"

Tony didn't answer and Gibbs drove back to the yard and stopped near Tony's car.

"I'll be over. I'm going to go home and change first."

Gibbs gave a slight nod in acknowledgement and drove off.

***

Tony drove home, would be glad to get out of the hot work clothes he wore. It was nearing the end of summer but it was still very warm. God, how much do I tell him? Do I dare tell him everything? He's never going to…

Tell him, another voice in his head sounded different. Just tell him. At least then you won't make the mistake you did with Ziva.

Tony drove to Gibb's and as he shut the door behind him he locked it. This was not a night he wanted anyone else barging into Gibbs' house. The basement door was ajar and the light was on.

Gibbs couldn't get Tony's words out of his mind. 'Please don't ask me that, Boss. Not here. Not now. Maybe not ever.' He'd noticed Tony's change in behavior but it wasn't all the time. It was subtle. He was the mostly the same with Bishop and McGee except quieter than usual and around him, he seemed even quieter, almost never speaking unless spoken to. At first, he wondered if Tony was angry at him but usually, when Tony was angry, he knew it.

Gibbs heard Tony come in and he reached for the two clean glasses he brought down when he got home. Whatever was eating Tony, he needed it. As Tony trudged down the stairs at a deliberate but not rushed pace, he poured a shot of bourbon in each glass. As Tony came into the room toward him, Gibbs lifted the glass up to him.

Tony accepted the glass that Gibbs handed to him. Both men took a small sip. Tony set his glass down on the work table he was standing beside. Gibbs pulled up a stool and Tony grabbed the one that was under the bench and sank onto it.

Tony looked up at Gibbs and then looked away. Tony's hands were clasped together, his knuckles were white.

Tony took a deep breath and forced himself to look at Gibbs again. Gibbs waited, watched as Tony mentally peeled off his 'everything is okay' mask.

"Okay," Tony finally said, his voice just above a whisper. "It's been a year," Tony's voice turning to a growl. "A. Whole. Fucking. Year."

Gibbs nodded, his instincts correct again. Ziva. He'd known Tony would reach anger eventually.

Tony cleared his throat. "Back in Israel, I thought she just needed some time alone, you know? Get her head on straight, come to terms with who she was and who she wanted to be. I never once thought I wouldn't be part of her future. Maybe I was arrogant, maybe I was just blind. I believed her when she said she loved me." His voice cracked with emotion. He cleared his throat again and took another deep breath, finding the words difficult. "I respected her stated need for space because that's what you do when you care about someone, right? They need time alone. You give them that. I thought she would miss me as much as I miss her."

"I figured at the most three months. By then, she would make up her mind and know what she wanted. And I was okay with that. It gave me time to pull myself together after the hunt for her and be ready for when she came home. I wanted to be ready because I never wanted to live without her again."

Gibbs nodded, a lump forming in his own throat that he swallowed. Tony's pain was like a tangible object he could reach out and touch. It filled the room around them. He'd seen Tony in physical pain before. But never had he seen Tony like this. It hit him hard in the chest, a sensation he could not explain. As Tony set his glass back down, he kept his face inscrutable as he always did; listened, as he always did.

"I really believed everything would be okay." Tony continued, swallowed hard, taking another small sip of the bourbon. "After three months, I made excuses. She's just more messed up mentally than I thought. She just needs more time than I thought…but it will be okay. Just hang in there, DiNozzo, she loves you. She will come back. That's what I kept telling myself.

"At six months and still not a word from her, I was just stunned, shocked even. What was taking her so long? I asked myself. She told me she loved me. Why has she not come home?" Tony balled his hand into a fist and slammed it on the work bench, not too hard, but hard enough to make the table jump slightly and the noise and motion obviously helped him focus. "It was then that I couldn't keep telling myself to hang in there. I knew even three months was a stretch. I couldn't hang on to the dream that she would change her mind and that she would be back. No matter how much Ziva wanted to change, some things wouldn't change and her knowing what she wants and doesn't want is one of them. She's chosen anything out there but me." Tony lifted his arm to gesture the entire world beyond himself. "It's like everything we've been through meant nothing. She's gone, she's not coming back and I had to find a way to accept it."

Gibbs nodded once. He had always known Tony loved Ziva, probably before Tony himself knew it, everyone had known before they themselves knew it, even McGee had seen it long before the rest of them. "Tony…"

"I'm not done, Gibbs. You said you wanted to hear it so don't stop me now." The look on DiNozzo's face quieted the older man. Right now, Tony was completely naked. No brave mask. No sarcastic façade. Just naked emotions.

Tony ran a hand through his hair. "I joined a mens' support group. Did you know that? I knew I had to grieve, get on with my life, couldn't let despair consume me. I thought it would get me through it. I thought I could learn how to cope. I even thought it worked for a while. I mean, it was good to talk with those guys, hear their stories, know that I wasn't alone in grieving over a lost love. But it wasn't enough, Gibbs. God help me, it wasn't enough." Tony picked up his drink and downed the rest in one gulp.

"What would be enough, Tony?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tony laughed mirthlessly. "Are you sure you want to hear more? You may hate me when I'm done."

Gibbs cocked his head to the side, wondering how Tony thought he could ever hate him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Tony inhaled deeply of sawdust, bourbon and the dry mustiness of Gibbs' basement and it visibly calmed him and his face, just moments ago contorted with pain, now smoothed into almost normal. "I did it. I grieved. I raged against Ziva and her stupidity for walking away from the team, our family…me. As each day past six months passed by, I accepted her choice. I accepted that I loved her more than she loved me. I accepted that she didn't want me. So, I started dating again. I was still grieving a bit but loneliness was killing me. I really wanted to find a woman that would make me forget her. I told myself that Ziva isn't the only woman in the world." Again, he laughed mirthlessly. "I had dates with eight women. On that eighth date, I was sitting at dinner with this gorgeous brunette. I could tell she liked me and she was sweet, Gibbs. Really sweet. She was the kind of woman no man in his right mind would want to break her heart. I was having dinner with her and she and I were talking about old movies - she was a fan of Ingrid Bergman and like a flash, while I was listening her to talk about Ingrid, this feeling just washed over me. I hadn't even been thinking at the time, was just listening to this gorgeous woman share our mutual interest in an old movie star and I realized, Why am I doing this? This isn't going to be any different than the last seven. None of these women are interesting. I just froze right there, Gibbs. I was wasting this otherwise seemingly wonderful woman's time by spending the evening with me. I hated myself for that. After dinner, I took her home, cutting the night short. I don't even remember what excuse I told her. I could see she was disappointed and that made me feel worse but better to walk away than waste her time."

Gibbs listened, was mesmerized even, by this long, uncensored look into Tony's mind, something Tony had never granted him before. Sure, he saw glimpses into what made his SFA tick, but nothing like this. Gibbs was both honored and terrified by this.

"There will never be any woman for me but Ziva. Sure, I still flirt with women, mostly to charm them into telling me what I need to know for a case, but outside of work, I hardly notice them anymore. Can you believe that?

"Once in a while if I'm out having a drink, like with McGee, one will put the moves on me and you know, it's nice when they do. I smile, I flirt back a little, let them know the attention is not unappreciated or unwelcome." Tony paused as he held the glass in his hand, not remembering when he had picked it up. He gently set it back on the bench. "Then, I tell them I'm married." He looked back up at Gibbs again. "It's easier to tell them that then it is to tell them they don't turn me on."

Now, Gibbs was truly stunned by what Tony was saying. How the hell could a woman not turn Tony on? He was a womanizer, always had been, not cruel about it, had always been upfront with women about what he intended, he wasn't the type to string them along…but Tony had always had an intense, high sex drive. Sexual energy cloaked him like a trench coat - it was more subdued at work usually, but it was always there just under the surface ready to bubble up at a second's notice. Women noticed it. Men noticed it. It was a part of him. And it was still there, Gibbs could feel it even now. It hadn't left Tony, he was still cloaked in it.

This does not make sense.

The air was still tense with unspoken words. Gibbs waited. Tony still sat heavily on a stool and looked lost in his own thoughts and seemed almost immune to the tension in the air.

After a moment, he met Gibbs' gaze. "A part of me died the day I accepted that Ziva wasn't coming back. I wish it hadn't but I'm tired of pretending. When I accepted that, it was then that I really felt like I understood you, why your marriages failed, why your relationships with women don't last. You love Shannon the way I love Ziva. They both left us in their own way - yours through no fault of her own and mine by choice…but the results were exactly the same. Left both of us alone, broken and dead."

Gibbs' eyes grew wide at Tony's words and then narrowed. Tony had no right to say anything about Shannon. That was his and his alone and he didn't share that with anyone. As he opened his mouth to tell DiNozzo where to shove it, he felt a flash of recognition. It was true. Gibbs' eyes softened a little. Tony never took his eyes off Gibbs as he watched the play of emotions his usually inscrutable boss was letting him see. Gibbs picked up the jar with the bourbon and downed it in one gulp, making a face as he swallowed the liquor and setting it down with a resounding thump.

Tony got up and moved closer to Gibbs. "Jethro, you've been alone all these years. Tell me, does loneliness ever eat you alive?"

Gibbs visibly bristled at hearing his SFA call him Jethro and the close proximity made him bristle even more. "What are you driving at, Tony?"

Tony leaned closer, almost in his boss' face but not quite, his eyes searched his as he spoke. "I can accept that I'm broken. I can even accept that a part of me died because Ziva rejected me. But the one thing I can't accept…won't accept…is being alone." He paused for a deep breath and let the pain of his words flow. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to never again feel intimacy with another and I don't want to exist without companionship or sex. I still want all those things badly. If I can't share them with the only woman who ever made me want to settle down, then maybe, just maybe I could share them with the only man who made me want to settle down." Tony didn't look away.

Tony realized his breathing was fast and shallow as anxiety made him want to turn tail and run. But he couldn't. The words were out now. The ball was in Gibbs' court. He was very likely going to get punched or fired…or both. Gibbs was a marine after all and many marines didn't take kindly to being hit on by other men. And he was hitting on Gibbs, no mistake about that, but this was different in every way than he had ever hit on anyone else including Ziva. This wasn't for a one-night stand. He was betting it all on a roll of the dice and it was probably a losing roll. But even if this was another in a long line of rejection, he at least wouldn't have to live every day wondering if he should've at least tried.

Gibbs mouth went dry. The enormity of what Tony just said hit him in the chest just like he felt earlier. A thousand thoughts rushed through his head but he couldn't focus on any of them. For a moment, the room spun and he desperately tried to center himself. Tony wants me. Just like that, the spinning stopped. The room came back into focus and with that, Tony came back into focus. He had stepped back a step, close enough that Gibbs could reach him, but not as close as he was just a moment ago. Gibbs could feel the tension in his body, knew he had braced himself for the worst, expected it even. Of course he did. He had no reason to expect anything else.

Tony stepped back to give him space but he never took his eyes off of him. Everything he expected to see was there: shock, confusion, Tony couldn't even read anything else, if there was anything but he would not stand down. Gibbs had unwittingly given him no choice but to tell him because if he had known what Tony would say, the NCIS shrink was the last person he would want Tony to tell.

Gibbs swallowed, licked his lips, opened his mouth to speak and in a rush of air and his voice quavering, he spoke barely above a whisper. "Tony, this doesn't make any sense."

Tony inhaled long and deep before exhaling and his whole body visibly relaxed. "I know. I feel like I should've told you years ago I was bi- but I was always afraid if you knew, how I felt about you would be obvious and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or find it impossible to work with me. I couldn't risk that." Tony cleared his throat. "Only reason I tell you now is because Ziva broke my heart and I have nothing more to lose. I figured it would be better to tell you and risk getting fired than to keep it all inside and wonder if I was making the same mistake by not telling you the way I did Ziva.

"Not that I expect you to feel the same way. I don't. But you don't show your hand, Gibbs. The not knowing was worse than any rejection. My gut kept telling me to tell you, for what reason I don't know…maybe for acceptance of the inevitable but now you know. If you're disgusted by me after this, say so. I will have my resignation on your desk in the morning. If you don't…"

Tony fell silent. Gibbs' eyes were boring into his soul and suddenly, his words felt heavy.

Gibbs stepped closer filling the space between them. He leaned in and said barely above a whisper. "Would you feel better if I kicked your ass all over this room?"

Tony let out a half chuckle and a half sob. "I can't possibly feel any worse than I do now."

Gibbs pulled Tony into a hug, his arm wrapped loosely around his neck. Tony hugged him back, desperate for human contact in any way he could get it. He didn't know what this hug meant but in that moment, he didn't care.

Gibbs himself couldn't say why he did it when he pulled Tony into the embrace. Just that he knew he needed something tangible to hang onto. Gibbs eyes were wet with emotions that he did not normally let come to the surface. He couldn't believe this.

It only took a moment for him to realize that Tony was quietly crying. He sniffled occasionally and his body shook with it. He'd never seen Tony cry before. Angry? Yes. In physical pain? Many times. He remembered once when he had heard Tony say, "DiNozzos don't cry." For all that, he was crying now.

Tony didn't know how much time had passed while he wept on Gibbs' shoulder. In that moment, he was just so grateful to be where he was. If Gibbs had punched him or just thrown him out, he would've understood, accepted it, would've even forgiven him easily for it but even if Gibbs was going to still ultimately reject him, he had this comfort right now.

Tony calmed down. He still felt like he could cry more but for now, it was enough. He and Gibbs unhurriedly detached and Tony wiped his eyes on his sweatshirt.

"You alright?" Gibbs said.

"No but…yeah…but…I don't know, Gibbs. I really don't know. You haven't punched me, that was good." Tony tried for a watery grin.

Gibbs grinned at him. "I'm not going to punch you, Tony."

"What are you thinking? Come on, I just told you my deepest, darkest secret. Don't go dark on me now."

Gibbs grinned then. "I…I'm…I don't know what to say."

Tony's face turned serious. "Yeah, you never saw this coming, right?"

Gibbs shook his head no. "I'm not holding back on you, I'm…"

"Overwhelmed?" Tony said, choking out the word. Gibbs nodded. Tony nodded. "Don't say anything now. Process it. Decide if you want to fire me or punch me. At least you know the real me now and no matter what happens, I'm glad you do. I won't have to pretend anymore." Tony opened his mouth as if he was about to say something else and then closed it. "I…I'll see you tomorrow, Boss." Tony bravely reached a hand out and squeezed Jethro's shoulder once.

Tony strode up the stairs and let himself out, locking the door behind him.

After Tony left, Gibbs remained seated on his stool, still felt the shoulder squeeze like it was branded on him. A flood of emotions roared behind his eyes. Despite the roaring, the one thing that was louder than all the rest. Tony wants me…and he kept it from me for years.

A rush of emotions came back all at once. When Tony had the plague, Gibbs had realized then what Tony meant to him, had agonized over telling him how he felt because Tony was more to him than all his ex-wives combined. Except Shannon. Gibbs now understood why he had so much noise in his head. Finding out Tony was bisexual was a mental baseball hat to the head.

Another head rush. Maybe I could share them with the only man who made me want to settle down.

"Dammit, why didn't he tell me?" Gibbs growled through his teeth and slammed his hand down on the table top as Tony had earlier, the frustration rising like too much foam on a mug of beer. Gibbs remembered each time homosexuality had come up in a case and talking with gay suspects. Each time, he had felt uncomfortable, lest he somehow give away his feelings for Tony. It never bothered him when suspects were gay - it was just a different angle on a case to consider - but he had been convinced Tony was straight and Gibbs wasn't going to tell him because that could have been disastrous. Not that he wouldn't have trusted Tony to know but just that there had been no reason for him to know.

The only other person in the world who had ever known was Shannon. She knew before he even went to the Persian Gulf about his sexuality what could happen if things got ugly. "Jethro, take comfort when and with who you can find any. Life is short over there. War is hell. Don't forget to live." Tears stung Gibbs' eyes at the memory of that conversation. He remembered the Persian Gulf. Yes, it had been hell. Yes, he and some of the other men needed comfort, a temporary escape. Yes, they lived.

He never imagined it would be hers and Kelly's whose lives would be cut short. He went to fight a war and came back in one piece but she and their daughter died. He could almost hear Shannon's voice again, "Don't forget to live." When they thought Tony was going to die from the plague, he had wanted, more than anything, for Tony to live…even if he couldn't have him. You. Will. Not. Die. He remembered ordering him while he laid there, fighting to even breathe.

Tony recovered. He got on with his life. Gibbs got on with his…such as it was. He tried to put Tony out of his mind, had even liked Colonel Mann a lot but when she asked him to go to Hawaii…he didn't even have to think about it first. He wouldn't leave Tony until Tony decided to leave him.

Now, all these years later, he finds out Tony loved him all along. He could tell him now and it would be okay…better than okay. More importantly, they could live.

Gibbs felt twitchy from sitting still so long and he stood and stretched. He was tired but his mind was still roaring with noise. All these years he had watched Tony and Ziva, wondering when they would stop pretending they wanted each other and now…the weight of that was gone. Tony was his if he wanted him.

That old ache, the ache he had squashed down as hard as he could, by sheer force of his own will, rose back to the surface so fast, so intense, so high he could barely contain it. He had reigned himself in, chosen not to get involved with anyone else and now blood rushed through his body and at the same time, remembered how Tony broke down, his last wall crumbled.

More thoughts quieted the roaring. He's still grieving over Ziva. Don't be hasty. Tomorrow, he may regret this conversation, if he hadn't already. Don't lose control unless it's real.

Tony would be haunted by Ziva the way he was haunted by Shannon. There would be rough days. There would be even worse days. But they'd get through them like they got through everything else. This time it would be together.

Tony needed him. Gibbs put his hand on his chest where Tony had cried. It was still damp with his tears. He could still smell a faint whiff of Tony's aftershave.


***

Tony had forced himself to not think and not feel during the drive home. He focused on the road, got home in one piece.

As soon as he entered his apartment and locked the door, he sank down to the floor and just sat there, the cold floor making his ass cold but he couldn't even care. He had done it. All these years and he finally…finally told Gibbs the truth. Not a playboy, not a womanizer, not even close. Sure, he'd enjoyed sex with women but it was never enough. His career, the dangers a federal agent faced every day, the possibility of going to work and not coming home, no one who didn't live it could really understand it. The women, the few one night stands he'd actually had just to take the edge off had been welcome, enjoyed and appreciated. But none of them were…

"Jethro," he whispered aloud, needing to hear his name. "No one knows me like you do. Please, please, don't shut me out now." More tears burned in the back of his eyes.

Tony thought about the stricken look on Gibbs' face. This doesn't make sense. Tony smiled a little. He didn't blame Jethro for being confused. That had always been his #1 secret, only because the man he wanted was straight and there was no need for him to know and #2, enemies can use that as a weapon. And thanks to his career choices, enemies were never in short supply.

Tony made himself get up and he went into the bathroom. His eyes were still red and unshed tears shone brightly. He almost looked drunk but knew he wasn't. He'd had that shot of bourbon but that didn't come anywhere near drowning his sorrows. He remembered crying on his shoulder and his face burned a little. He hadn't cried in front of anyone since he was a young boy but once Jethro put his arm around his neck, he was lost. When he was near him, he felt safe, a feeling he had seldom ever enjoyed.

***

The next day at work was much like any previous day except for one difference had there been any astute observers singling the team out. DiNozzo and Gibbs both looked like neither had slept a wink the night before.

McGee, the ever-competent NCIS investigator, noticed. "Hey Tony, stay up late clubbing last night?"

Tony looked over at McGee but didn't smile, the heavy bags under his eyes belying his weariness. He held his gaze for a mere moment and turned back to his monitor without a word. McGee glanced over at Bishop who met his gaze.

"Tony?" Bishop said. "Are you all right?"

He glanced up and gave her the same frosty glare he had just given McGee. "Don't you have something to analyze, Ms. NSA Analyst?"

Bishop didn't let this stop her. She had grown to like the senior field agent and seeing him like this troubled her. "Yeah, I'm analyzing why you, of all people, aren't sleeping, not joking around and basically look like hell."

Tony had to admit that normally, he would have smiled at that kind of comment, especially coming from her and his respect for her grew a notch.

His attention was diverted to McGee. "She's right. Tony, what's wrong?" Tim regretted his teasing and the concern in his face was unmistakable.

"I'm fine, you two…really. It's just insomnia. It happens sometimes. Not a big deal. We have a case to investigate. Let's impress Gibbs when he gets back."

Bishop and McGee let it drop but Tony could tell Tim wasn't going to let it go forever.

They worked the case until 6:30 when Gibbs finally gruffly told them all to go home for the weekend. He could usually go days without sleep, often did, but today…it just wasn't in him. He was preoccupied, he was tired and dammit, Tony looked as bad as he felt.

"Tony, Gibbs, Bishop and I are going for a beer. Want to join us?" McGee smiled as he and Bishop started for the elevator.

Tony then realized how slowly he was moving and his backpack wasn't even packed. "No. Thanks, Tim. Maybe next time."

Gibbs had only shaken his head no but made himself smile an acknowledgement for the invitation.

Tim looked over at Tony as he packed up his stuff to head for home but Tony kept his eyes on his own stuff. They said good night.

Once they disappeared in the elevator, Tony looked over at Gibbs for the first time that day. "You staying here, Boss?"

"Don't I always, DiNozzo?" Gibbs sounded like himself and Tony couldn't help but smile.

"Just wondering if you wanted company on a Friday night." He said just loud enough for Gibbs to hear but he didn't even look up. "Okay, night, Boss."

Barely five minutes after Gibbs heard the ding of the elevator closing behind Tony, he glanced around the office. One team at the other end was busy working a case and would probably be there for hours, if not all night. Gibbs glanced down at the report he was trying to read and sighed, the look on Tony's face last night haunted him. Jethro, you've been alone all these years. Tell me, does loneliness ever eat you alive?

He shivered involuntarily and he shut off his computer with more energy than pressing a button called for and grabbed his jacket, shrugging into it. He left without a backward glance.

Tony stood at the island in his kitchen eating a slice of pizza, an open beer on the counter within arm's reach. He didn't feel like sitting, been at his desk almost all day. They were off for the weekend and Tony was grateful. He knew now where Gibbs stood. Gibbs just wasn't going to mention it and treat him the same as he always did. It wasn't the end of the world. He told him the truth. He didn't get punched and he didn't get fired. He lost but he would piece together his life and move on. Damn Ziva anyway. If she wanted to throw away a chance at… "Stop it!" He growled through gritted teeth. "Just stop it."

He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. It's going to be okay, he thought. It has to be. The alternative was intolerable.

***

Gibbs got off the elevator and walked toward Tony's door, not hesitating but as always, not rushing either. He caught a faint whiff of tomato sauce in the hall as he got off the elevator. That meant Tony was probably home, eating pizza.

He rang Tony's doorbell and waited. It was barely a moment that Tony opened the door. The younger man had changed from work clothes to a t-shirt and jeans.

Tony looked surprised but stood back and let him in, closed and locked the door behind him. "You hungry, Boss? I have pizza and beer." Tony returned to the kitchen and Gibbs followed, the smell was stronger and he realized he was hungry. He took the offered beer and slice and they ate companionably in the kitchen, neither feeling pressured to speak, just enjoying the simple pleasures of eating pizza and drinking a beer.

The act of sharing food helped Gibbs relax a little. It was that moment he realized how often he had enjoyed Tony's company. Sure, he sometimes talked too much but he also knew when words were too much and Gibbs liked that about him. In a lot of ways, he could relax with Tony in a way he could never relax with anyone else, especially women. Even when they were relaxed they were never really relaxed, well, except after an intense orgasm. Gibbs suppressed a smirk…sometimes not even then.

"Something amusing Gibbs?"

Gibbs looked up with a start, not realizing the smirk had reached his lips. He wouldn't say what he had just thought. Gentlemen just didn't share details like that about women with other men. Not even Tony had ever gone that far either and both would find such a discussion uncomfortable, at best. "No, not really." He took another swig of beer. It didn't take long to finish off the pizza, both men had been hungry.

Tony knew Gibbs was here to talk but couldn't imagine what he would say. The fact that Gibbs had not mentioned a resignation relieved his mind though he knew there was still a chance it could happen. Gibbs had been unreadable all day, as usual, but he had taken a small measure of comfort knowing that he had not been the only one who hadn't slept the night before.

After eating, Tony pointed to the living room and Tony sat on the far end of the couch. Gibbs sat down on the other end and ran one hand over his face. He looked tired and to Tony, a little older than he knew he was. Tony turned toward him, waited patiently.

"You were right, even if I hate to admit it." Gibbs said without preamble.

"About?"

"Me. Shannon. Broken and dead."

Tony audibly inhaled, feeling his insides tremble a little. He let breath out in a rush with his words. "Does that include being eaten alive with loneliness?"

"Every damn day."

Tony swallowed hard and he felt burning behind his eyes. He blinked once, twice, willing his eyes not to fill with tears but hoped to God Gibbs wouldn't choose now to go silent.

Gibbs saw the flit of emotions for an instant knowing that what he'd said had a not insignificant effect. "You're in love with me?" He phrased it as a question, disbelief in his voice, stunned to even be having this conversation with any man, but especially Tony DiNozzo, of all people.

Tony started at the words himself. He paced a little before stopping to meet Gibbs' gaze. "I...well, I don't know exactly that I'd say I am in love with you," he said carefully. It's not exactly like how I feel…uh, felt…eh, feel about Ziva…"

Gibbs heard the unspoken but and waited for the man to gather his thoughts.

"…but it's not dissimilar either." Tony rubbed his neck as though it ached. "It's complicated. Working with you have been the best years of my life, even when they weren't the best. Except when you were in Mexico, I always knew you had my six. When you came back, I felt like I was "home" again. Like I was where I belonged. That wasn't Ziva, Gibbs. That was you. I loved Ziva and wanted to break rule 12 a thousand times a day but tearing apart the team would've torn out my soul because the director would've split us all apart again. I couldn't lose both of you again."

Gibbs nodded his understanding. He had also had been careful to not push anything so far that the director would split them up again.

Tony ran a hand through his hair and some of the strands stood up in a clump on his head. He stood up and paced a little. "Look, I don't expect you to feel the same about me. I know you're straight, have always known that and I get it. I said what I did yesterday because you were right, it was affecting my ability to do my job. I told you because you pushed me and I needed you to know. You at least now know the real me." He rubbed his eyes, gritty from unshed tears and fatigue and to soothe the burning. "I'm just so tired of hiding from you." He took a deep breath. "But if sometimes you're sitting at home and are feeling alone, gimme a call. I can bring beer or food or both, we can watch a game or a movie and maybe for those few hours set aside the ghosts of Shannon and Ziva." He grinned then, liking the picture he conjured, even if it wasn't entirely what he wanted.

Gibbs grinned back though the grin did not reach his eyes. Tony was smoothing this over to make it less awkward, offered him an out in case he wanted one. The fact that Tony had cared enough to offer him an out was not lost on him.

Gibbs stood up and walked over to Tony. In a low voice he said, "What makes you think I didn't come over here to tell you I wanted you."

Gibbs didn't use any tone of voice that could be construed as seductive. As Tony gazed up at him, surprise and light shone in his eyes for the first time that day. Even as it registered what he had said, the words had been said as though Gibbs was asking him what time it is. Tony blinked once, twice, three times.

Gibbs grinned. "I'm not here because I wanted to be alone in my basement, Tony."

Tony's eyes never left Gibbs' face and they were full of questions. "What…do you want, Jethro?" It sounded strange to use Gibbs' name but Tony also liked how it sounded from his own voice. Personal. Intimate. Tony swallowed hard, not sure what he would hear.

"I don't know, Tony. I'm not often surprised but last night, you shocked me. Sometimes I wondered if your bragging about your conquests was just covering your insecurities but not…" he indicated the two of them, "this."

"No, I never lied. Exaggerated a little sometimes to hide my insecurities maybe, but lies, no."

"Any of those women actually men?"

Tony grinned. "No. I just never mentioned those times but the couple of times those encounters happened pre-dated Kate joining the team. I stopped cruising for men when I realized that I was comparing them to you and they weren't good enough."

"So you gave up men completely?"

Tony grinned, a little sheepishly. "Yeah. I knew I had no shot with you but there was a whole city full of beautiful women. Doesn't get too much better than that." He chuckled a little for a second before the chuckle turned into a sigh. "I didn't have any regrets about that…until six months ago or so."

Gibbs felt breathless. He's always known Tony looked up to him but had no idea it was anything like this. The sexuality about Tony that he's acknowledged to himself the night before was coming off him in waves now but from his exhausted eyes, Gibbs realized Tony wasn't overtly consciously of it. It was just simply who he was, part of the fabric of his being. Sure he had a certain amount of control over it - could tone it down or intensify it as the situation warranted - he did that at work daily but this was different. He fairly vibrated with sexuality but it was more than that too.

"Why me, Tony?"

Tony blinked hard, surprised by the question. He grinned. "Who else am I going to trust as much?" Tony held his gaze and then became serious again. "What about you Gibbs? Did you actually come over to tell me you want me or am I just holding onto a thread of false hope? The longer you stay, I can't help but think this is either going to hurt like hell or be the best day of my life."

Gibbs sat back down on the couch and rested his forehead against the palms of his hands. Tony couldn't see his eyes. This was a Gibbs he had never seen before.

"Jethro?" Tony sat down beside him. "Did I…hurt you?"

Gibbs looked up then but didn't look directly at Tony. "I'm tired, Tony. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about…everything." Gibbs paused.

Tony was secretly pleased that his confidences had meant enough to him to cost him a night's sleep. That showed he mattered. Tony moved closer to him but not too close. He knew this was probably the most serious conversation he had ever had with Gibbs in his life and he was no longer sure what the outcome would be.

Gibbs leaned back against the couch and turned his head toward Tony. "I've never had a relationship with another man. Never occurred to me to want one. There was never a shortage of women…"

Tony felt the 'but' hanging in the air and waited quietly, desperately wanting to know what Gibbs would say next.

"…but I realized that as much as I like women, they can never really relax and be…quiet. They can't…just let things be. You know what I mean?" At Tony's nod, he continued. "With men, it's easier to relax and just…be."

Tony was pretty sure he had never heard Gibbs string so many words at once before. He had been starting to think this confessional was going to be one-sided. Gibbs stood up and paced Tony's apartment some. "I…know your track record with relationships, Tony. Are you using me because you can't have who you really want?"

Tony winced, surprised by the question as much as he welcomed it. If Gibbs was asking questions, he wasn't completely discounting him. "Do you think I would risk my life and my job by coming out of the closet to admit my feelings to a marine sniper and my boss if I only wanted a one night stand?" Tony huffed. "Yeah, thinking about Ziva still hurts. It's probably always going to hurt. How I feel about you was long before Ziva. But I was young, immature, a little wild, nothing that you needed. Now…I can't help but wonder if I might now be what you need, even a little. Like maybe I had to go through the hell of this to understand you, to connect with you…if you would let me. I'm not using you. I would rather kill myself first. I'm in this for the long haul, however long we have. If you can't do this…and I wouldn't blame you if you can't, please just say so because this conversation is torture, not knowing what you feel."

Gibbs studied Tony's face for what felt like a long time. "If Ziva were to show up on your doorstep tomorrow telling you that she wanted you back, what would you say to her?"

Tears stung Tony's eyes. "I would tell her that she was too late." Tony swallowed hard.

Gibbs didn't hide the disbelief from his voice or face. "You would let her go again? Really?"

Tony picked up a magazine he had on the coffee table and threw it across the room where it bounced and fell off a wall, its pages curling around itself. "If someone cuts you with a knife, you don't let them keep coming back to do it again. I'm done with that. She made her choice and got on with her life. I want to get on with mine and dammit, I deserve to be happy too." Tony's voice lowered. "As much as you loved Shannon, you deserve to be happy. If I can help make that happen, I wouldn't miss it for a hundred Zivas."

The intensity in his voice and his eyes stunned Gibbs for the second time in as many days. He believed him. He wasn't one to take needless risks but this time was different.

Gibbs reached out and placed his hands on Tony's shoulders, gripping them semi-tightly. There were only a handful of centimeters between their faces. Gibbs lipped his lips before speaking and the words came out softly but clearly. "I can accept that I'm broken. I can even accept that a part of me died when Shannon died. But I can't accept…won't accept…being alone, now that I know I don't have to be."

Tony's ears registered the words as the echo of what he had said to Gibbs the night before. They resounded through his head like stereo speakers. Gibbs felt and saw the relief flooding through him and reached up to grab Gibbs' arms for support. Gibbs pulled him into a hard embrace, his chest connecting solidly with Tony as he felt the younger man's legs buckle under him. As Tony gave himself over to the embrace, hugging Jethro as hard as Jethro hugged him, the burning in his eyes he had felt almost constantly over the past year bubbled to the surface and he made no attempt to stop the tears. A gamut of emotions coursed through his veins: relief, affection, acceptance, tenderness, need, and caring toward the man he held and who held him. It was strange in a way - he had never been close to a man in this way, not even the hug last night was this intimate, but the fact that it was Leroy Jethro Gibbs - well, nothing could have felt more right.

When Tony's legs regained the starch to hold him up, they loosened the embrace and stepped apart but not far. Tony wiped the tears from his eyes though they still flowed freely. He was smiling but it was more than that. He felt light, happy even as he gave in to the tumultuous emotions.

"You all right, Tony?" Jethro reached over and wiped some tears from his face.

Tony grinned through his tears. "Never better. You?"

Gibbs didn't answer. He was nervous. He was uncertain. He was tired. He didn't know what to do now that he admitted that the feelings weren't one-sided. He was never good at saying how he felt. It had been difficult to say what he had.

"Jethro?" Tony said, his smile turning serious again. "Are you having second thoughts already?"

"No, Tony." He was quick to say. "No second thoughts. I just…I've never been in a relationship with a man."

"Neither have I."

"But you…"

"It was just sex, Jethro," Tony said softly. "That was easy. This is as new to me as it is to you. I'm as scared as you are. Scared the director is going to find out and separate us."

"Can we work together after this?"

"Worried about breaking your own rule?"

"It was a good rule until now."

"It's a shitty rule," Tony said bluntly. "Look how much pain it has caused both of us. I will always have your six and I know you will always have mine but I'm done with rule 12!"

Jethro moved so fast Tony didn't register the movement until Jethro's lips captured his. Tony's lips parted instantly, not going to deny himself what he wanted, and let him in. This time his legs did buckle and Gibbs guided him to the end of the couch where Tony leaned against the arm rest for support. Tony kissed him, tasting him, noting the accent of coffee in the kiss, a hint of tomato from the pizza. He inhaled, caught the scent of Old Spice…and Gibbs himself.

He got hard as the reality of the kiss sank in, need coursing through his veins. All the pain he had suffered these months…the memory of it was still very keen but this moment, this kiss, this connection made it all worth it. He tightened his arms around Gibbs, wanting to feel every inch of him. Was this really happening or was he about to wake up from a dream?

Gibbs didn't hold back as he took what he wanted. He had long since accepted Tony was straight and he had been okay with that but this…this was so much better. His body caught fire in an instant. Kissing a woman was nothing like kissing a man. Women required a softer, gentler touch. Tony's rock hard body was a striking contrast from his experience with women. The kiss bore a similar contrast. Soft lips but hard mouth, rugged, strong jaw but soft tongue. The contrast flamed the fire in a way he had never felt with any woman. He didn't have to worry about physically hurting Tony with his strength, with his endurance, with his power. If he wanted to possess him, Tony was strong enough to be possessed. With that realization, Jethro felt the arms around his back pulling him as close to Tony as he could be. He, also, was strong enough to be possessed. His hands tightened in Tony's hair.

Only the need to breathe stopped the kiss but they remained locked in that embrace, Jethro's hands still in Tony's hair, Tony's arms an iron grip around his back, pulling him into him. They both breathed heavily, almost gasping. Tony's eyes were red from tears and lack of sleep. Tony noted Jethro's eyes and both remembered their sleepless night.

"Jethro," Tony whispered when he found his voice again.

"Yeah, Tony?"

"We're tired. Please tell me lack of sleep isn't fueling this."

"It's like being drunk, made it easier to break down the walls."

"I'm tired of having walls with you, tired of you having walls with me."

"Those walls aren't going to come down easy, Tony. Not for either of us."

"I want to try. I trust you, Jethro. Do you trust me?"

"With my life, Tony."

"Sleep with me, Jethro. Not sex. Not tonight. Just…sleep with me."

"In a single bed?"

"No."

Tony took Jethro's arm and led him to the bedroom where he opened the door. There was a king size bed there where once the single bed was.

"You bought it for Ziva."

"Originally but when she didn't come back after all, I stopped associating it with wanting her. I want you to be the first person I share that bed with."

"I don't know if I can sleep."

"We need to sleep, Jethro. If for no other reason than to wake up tomorrow and realize that tonight wasn't a dream and that it's real. Please don't wake up during the night and leave. Promise you'll be here when I wake up tomorrow."

"I'm not going anywhere, Tony."

They stripped to their boxers and got in bed, Tony allowed Jethro to choose what side he wanted since he didn't know what side of a bed he preferred. He was pleased when Jethro chose the opposite side from the side Tony preferred.

"More proof we belong together. We each get to have our preferred side of the bed."

Gibbs grinned at Tony. "Not everything is always going to be this easy."

Tony shrugged. "Stop worrying about the future. Just enjoy right now."

Once in bed, Tony turned to face Jethro. He turned to face Tony. "This bed is comfortable. Firm but not too firm."

"I like it too. I sleep like a rock."

Jethro reached out and placed his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony reached up and rested his hand on top of Gibbs'.

Gibbs grinned. "I can't believe this."

"I can't believe it either." The room was dark but there was enough light coming in from the street lights that they could see each other. "You said you've never been in a relationship with a man, but have you ever had sex with one? Are you bi, Jethro?"

"Women were few and far between in the Persian Gulf, Tony. Every day, we didn't know if we would ever make it home. We lived for the moment."

"Did you like it?"

"Go to sleep, Tony. We've talked enough for now."

"I feel like we're just getting started."

Gibbs smirked in the darkness. "Conversation isn't over, Tony. Maybe it never will be."

Tony sat up just a little, leaning on his arm. He leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't a deep kiss, more with affection, just to touch him really. Gibbs felt rather than saw the smile. "G'night Jet." He turned over, half expecting a head slap.

Gibbs laughed. "If you call me Jet at work I will punch you after all."

"Just at home then." Tony grinned.

"Night, Tony." Jethro turned over and let himself relax.

"Night, Jet," Tony whispered as he, too, settled in.

The next morning when Tony awoke, the sun was high in the sky. He was alone in bed, the other side rumpled but mostly straightened. It only took him an instant to recall the night before. He promised not to leave. Oh God, he didn't change his mind, did he?

Tony practically jumped out of the bed, pulling on his jeans and t-shirt even as he practically tripped over himself to leave the bedroom. As he jerked the door open he smelled the coffee and his eyes leaped to the kitchen. Jethro stood at the counter pouring two mugs of coffee. Tony exhaled slowly as he walked to the bathroom. It was a relief knowing he wasn't alone after all. After using the bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face and dried it. He looked better today and he smiled at his reflection. He wasn't unaware of the fact that he was aging but today he felt younger than he had in the past year.

He walked into the kitchen and Gibbs pushed a mug toward him as he sank into a stool at the island. Gibbs pulled up the one beside him. "I was going to make breakfast but you don't have much food here."

"Thanks." He said lifting the mug to his lips. Neither man spoke as they sipped their coffee. Tony rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked up at Gibbs who was grinning at him. "What?"

"You have a serious case of bed-head."

Tony realized that he hadn't even thought about combing his hair when he was in the bathroom, just too eager to get to the kitchen. He smiled then and allowed himself to chuckle. This was a side of Gibbs he hadn't seen much, if ever. Tony relaxed, last night was not a dream after all. "So, what do you want to do today?"

Gibbs hesitated for a moment and he grinned a grin Tony had never seen before. Light danced in his eyes a minute and Tony grinned back knowing exactly what was on his mind. "I got some groceries a couple days ago. I was thinking we could go back to my house, eat something, was also going to do yard work...unless you have something else to do."

Tony loved the way he had said "we" and not I. Right now, Gibbs could've suggested they grout a bathtub and he would have thought it was the greatest idea. It didn't matter to him how they spent the day as long as he was with him.

***

That evening after the two men mowed, weed-whacked and trimmed the yard and swept the sidewalk, they grilled steaks and potatoes for dinner. As they sat outside enjoying the last of the day's sunlight, Tony looked over at Jethro. "I think it's too soon to tell anyone about…us," he said softly. "I mean…part of me wants to shout it to the world," Tony grinned, "but…I really don't want to stop working with you."

"We'll keep this to ourselves for now. Just don't call me Jet at work."

"I won't, Boss…err Jet." Tony laughed out loud at the mistake.

Jethro looked over at Tony. "If you look at me like that at work the way you are right now, everyone is going to know."

Tony sighed. "I may not be able to look at you at work then."

"If that's what it takes." He took a swig of his beer.

"I'm just…really happy." Tony didn't let his eyes hide how he felt. "Last night…meant a lot to me."

Gibbs looked at him, his eyes serious. "I've spent worse evenings." He shrugged, trying really hard to suppress a grin.

Tony's face fell but only for a second as he saw the quivering smirk and realized Jet was teasing him. He reached across the table and playfully punched his arm. "Not funny. I'm still scared you're going to change your mind, think this was a huge mistake."

He grabbed Tony's arm and gave it a little squeeze and shake. "I made up my mind before you left the night before. Words were just too much. I think we both needed a little time."

"I spent the rest of the night shaking."

"You're not used to taking a chance on rejection." Gibbs took another swig of his beer.

"I expect rejection. I was taking a chance on being accepted. I wanted to tell you the truth so many times but it never felt right to do so."

"It's okay, Tony. I just assumed you were straight since you seemed to enjoy women so much."

"How long have you…wanted me, Jet?"

"Since you had the plague. Seeing you lying there, barely able to breathe for coughing and Kate crying over you, both of us fearing you were going to die. I knew then."

Tony just stared, shocked. "You never let on."

"I thought Kate and you were going to get together but somehow, you didn't."

"It's possible we might've eventually…had she lived. We'll never know now."

Gibbs smiled. "Maybe…we need each other more." He took a swig of his beer.

"I like the thought of you needing me." Tony's smile lit up his face.

"You spending the night?" Gibbs looked over, his eyes intense and flitted between Tony's eyes and lips.

"No place I'd rather be." Tony openly returned the searching gaze.

The way his eyes flitted to his lips made Gibbs' twitch. He stood up and started clearing the table. Tony took his cue and tended the grill, making sure the fire was out and not a danger. He then grabbed what Jethro had left on the table and carried it inside.

Gibbs had already started washing the dishes. Tony knew he wanted him but he was a creature of routine and that was fine. Tony didn't like leaving a mess either and knew he would relax easier knowing everything was where it belonged.

Once the kitchen was set to rights, Gibbs stood at the counter drying his hands. He moved over at Tony, standing in the man's personal space. "I know what I want. Do you know what you want?"

Tony smiled warmly and nodded. "I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. I don't care how fast or slow we go. I just want you."

"Come on," Jethro spoke low, moving toward the doors to lock them.

Tony still couldn't believe it. He really wants me. He had been too afraid to push too fast.

Taking his hand, he and Tony went upstairs together, the first step on what Tony thought was his last chance on love.