Disclaimer: None of the NCIS or FBI characters in this story are mine. No infringement is intended


Reflections


He didn't usually mind being alone, but this was the one night of the year he felt the solitude to the core of his being. Christmas. When was the last one he enjoyed? Alone with just the bottle and glass at his side, he let the pain wash over him as he drifted back, back over ten years to Donna and Jayden.

They were best thing to ever come into his life, and he was the worst to come into theirs.

He met Donna through the matchmaking efforts of his lifelong friend Jerry, and Jerry's wife Erin.
He used to joke with them that it was a good thing Jerry had seen Erin first.

They were intuitive about their selections, though far from unobtrusive with their efforts at offering up their latest victim. He usually had a good time with their choices even though he half heartedly protested every single time.

Then came Donna. They presented her to him, not so subtly, at a neighborhood barbecue, and they hit it off instantly. After a few dates, he believed he had found a real gem. He cautiously approached the idea of a weekend at a cabin on Skyline Drive. To his extreme pleasure she accepted eagerly.

They had a candlelight dinner in a small out of the way spot on the way to the cabin. The cabin was rustic but romantic, and he was actually able to get a fire started. They talked for what seemed forever, and when the sun dipped below the trees on the lake, the cabin darkened to just the right degree.

They sat together in the near dark, approaching that awkward moment. He knew he was in love when she leaned in and playfully whispered in his ear "Let's get it on." In moments clothes had been shed and they found themselves on the bearskin rug. They explored each other languidly, and it just felt so right, they fit together hand in glove . When the moment came, tenderness went, and passion enveloped them like a summer storm.

They woke at dawn, shivering from the cold, the fire had died to a few brave embers. He made the worst joke of his life about bare skinned people on a bearskin rug, and she laughed with genuine pleasure. They made love again, and he knew he had found his soul mate.

As the weekend progressed though, he felt her distancing herself, he couldn't imagine what was going wrong. He decided to take his usual direct path, and asked.

She looked apprehensive and said "there's something you don't know." "Well, if you've been married before, so have I," he said "if you're married now, that can be a problem." But he was sure he remembered her telling him she was a widow.

"I have been married, Paul died two years ago, but what you don't know is that I have a daughter"
That took him by surprise. He hadn't pictured her as a mother, not for any particular reason, he just expected that women with kids would be parading them out first thing. He wasn't put off by the notion though, if she was anything like her mother, he was ready and willing to meet her.

They talked for hours again, not about each other, but about Jayden. She was five years old, blonde like her mother smart, chatty and beautiful. He believed everything Donna said about her, and she was right.

The next weekend he met Jayden for the first time. And for the second time in as many weeks, he fell in love all over again. They went to the zoo and she took to Gibbs like she'd known him her whole life. He had never in his life been so taken with a child, and he wanted to make them both his own, disregarding his own vow never to marry again. He needn't have worried, when he approached the subject, Donna let him know that she just wasn't ready to take so permanent a step.

Her first marriage hadn't been a happy one, and she was still a little gun shy, but she readily accepted his plea to move into his home. He had never been so content, not even in the early days of his two marriages, it was as if this was what he'd been moving toward. When he came home at night, he had a beautiful loving woman and an incredible miniature of her that thought the sun rose and set on him.
Of course there were times he had to play the stern father. He would scowl at her and she would stand, head down, gnawing on her thumbnail, but he was perfectly aware that through those long dark lashes she was looking at him, waiting for the change in his expression. When he softened, her head came up and she gave him a toothy grin and jumped in his lap. It was for that reason he left the heavy discipline to Donna. When Jayden would come to him in tears, he would gather her up and hold her, but he always backed Donna. He would dry Jayden's tears and reminded her that her mother was always right and send her back to apologize.

As Christmas neared, he decided it was time to test the waters again. He wanted Donna to marry him before the holiday, and he wanted to have adoption papers drawn by Christmas to give Jayden the daddy she so obviously wanted. Since she'd started kindergarten, she realized that all of her friends had fathers and was feeling the lack of one for herself. She had asked Gibbs more than once why he wasn't her daddy. This time Donna was more than receptive, and they began making their plans.

He should have known nothing lasts forever. Their peaceful existence was shattered the following fall with a case developed when four female murder victims were found beaten to death in a remote Northern Virginia countryside. One was a Marine missing for several weeks. There were no sexual overtones, only sheer brutality. Clues developed rapidly, and eventually a suspect was in custody. It had been apparent from the first that more than one person was involved, but Walt Howard was resolute in his silence about his partner. He was a frightening character, and even Gibbs, jaded as he was from his years of dealing with scum like this, got chills just looking at this bottom feeder. Howard was sitting in jail when he sent for Gibbs.

Gibbs took his time getting there, but was actually fighting the urge to rush in and reveal his eagerness for another try at this bastard. Howard was sitting, chair tilted back, with one leg casually over the other.
"I don't have all day " Gibbs said, "start talking or I'm out of here."
"I didn't call you here to talk about me" Howard sneered, "I wanted to talk about that nice little wife and pretty little girl you have at home"

Just hearing a reference to Donna and Jayden come out of that filthy mouth was enough to make Gibbs have to fight jumping the table and putting his hands around that scrawny neck.

"You know" Howard said "if I did have a partner, and I ain't saying I do, he'd be pretty worried right now about what I might be saying, and he might do just about anything to make sure I didn't get convicted of anything. Sure would be sad to see those pretty ladies get hurt. Or worse."

Gibbs pulled a deep breath and held it to get his heartbeat back to normal. He couldn't give this s o b any edge. " Just what the hell do you think I can do?" All the evidence is under lock and key, I couldn't get to it if I wanted to."

"All that needs to happen, from what my lawyer says is for you to "admit" the reason you used to get your warrant wasn't legal, and everything will be thrown out."
"never gonna happen" Gibbs told him.
"Well, you might just want to think about it, say between now and Wednesday"
"What's Wednesday? Gibbs asked.
"Not sure" Howard replied, but I got a feeling it ain't gonna be your best day."
Gibbs slept little that night, and those nights between that Saturday and Wednesday. He had arranged for protection for Donna and Jayden and kept vigil himself as well.

Wednesday came and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He went to work, but checked hourly with the protection detail. When he got home he parked the car, and walked to the mailbox to removed the day's delivery. Nothing unusual, except…there was an envelope, handwritten with no return address. He held it up to the setting sun and saw only folded pages. Still cautious, he returned to his car, and put on the gloves he took from the kit in the trunk. He went into his den and slit open the envelope. Still innocent looking until he unfolded the pages. They were computer scans of photos. Photos of Donna and Jayden. Coming, from school, coming from dancing lessons, Jayden in her little pink tutu. Another coming from the dentist's office. These had been taken over the course of a week.

Gibbs' blood froze in his veins.

Howard had been deadly serious, someone was stalking Gibbs family. Without hesitation he went upstairs to find Donna. This would be her first personal experience with the dangers of his job. Would she forgive him when she realized the peril she and especially Jaden were in?

There was a long discussion, and it was decided she and Jayden would leave for her parents home in Maryland that night. She would be protected by a hand picked agent to her parents door, where the Maryland police would take over.

He had turned the envelope and contents over to Director Morrow, who insisted he was too close to the case to be effective, but agreed to have him work in tandem with Rich Clark, a Special Agent with as much experience as Gibbs himself.

Fury and fear led Gibbs to work even longer and harder than his usual grind, but no progress was being made towards finding Howard's partner. It was obvious from the start that Howard was the muscle part of the crime spree, this idiot couldn't find his own ass in a closet. Therein lay the danger. The "brains" of the partnership was out there, knowing his chances for exposure came closer, the closer Howard got to the "big needle." The resources of NCIS and the FBI had so far been unsuccessful in locating a single suspect.

Howard's every association back to his childhood had been rousted, checked, and rechecked. His connection to his partner was well hidden. Gibbs seethed with frustration and anger, and separation from his family.

Howard's trial came quickly, their evidence was solid, and he was easily convicted. The death penalty was pretty much a certainty. The sentencing day arrived, and they were no closer to finding the second perp than day one. The judge invoked the death sentence, and Howard smirked at Gibbs as he was led from the courtroom. Gibbs headed home, his mind churning to identify one little fact they'd missed.

That night the director called Gibbs and asked that he come in to headquarters. It wasn't work related. Morrow had to be the one to tell him that Donna and Jayden were missing. As far as they could tell, Donna had gotten a call from a friend inviting her and Jayden to lunch. The friend was found dead in her home. For the first time in his life, Gibbs felt as if he would pass out. Fury built to an explosive pitch, and over Morrow's protests he stormed from the building and headed for Maryland.

When he arrived at Donna's parents, her mother met him at the door and said "Oh Jethro, I thought you could protect them, my babies, how could this happen." For the rest of his life he would never remember what he told her, but he knew he needed to get away from her and start doing something constructive.
With all the law enforcement available, and a live crime scene, they found nothing. The one thought that kept him within the bounds of sanity is that the "Partner" would not kill them as long as he could use them to bargain with. But he also knew once he accepted that he would not get what he wanted, they would be dead. Two days passed, and there was no word from the kidnapper. Morrow ordered Gibbs back to DC, in response to Maryland officials complaints that he was seriously impeding their efforts. Against every fiber of his being, he went home.

.Fornell brought the news. When Gibbs answered the door and saw him standing there, his heart went to his feet. At the look on his face Gibbs realized his life was going to change forever. "Jethro" Fornell said "I'm so sorry." The Partner hadn't waited at all. Donna and Jayden were found, miles apart, on the shores of the Potomac River.

Gibbs was empty, he had no anger, no sorrow, nothing at all. His memory of the funeral was a blur, of faces, hands to shake, hugs, of tears, his own mingling with the mourners, of two caskets side by side, one so tiny. He left the cemetery to go home and die by inches.

Ducky was the only member of his present team that was with him back then, and he came every day.
He made Gibbs eat, and occasionally shave, tried to make him talk, do anything but just sit there holding the kitten he'd bought for Jayden's Christmas present. At some point Gibbs realized the kitten was no longer there, didn't matter, it hadn't been any real comfort anyway. It was just a reminder. Everything was a reminder. The night he came home from the funeral, he'd gone to their room and pulled his clothes out, they were scattered around his den. He had resolutely looked away from Jayden's open door as he passed it that night. He'd slept on the couch since then, and hadn't gone up the stairs again.

Ducky came one night and found him passed out in his chair, empty bottle on the table beside him, empty glass on the floor where it had rolled when he lost consciousness, loaded gun in his lap. Ducky quietly removed the gun, and searched the house and removed every other weapon he found, including the rifle hidden in the basement under lock and key. Gibbs never mentioned the missing weapons.

After several weeks, Ducky was desperate, Gibbs showed no signs of returning to the real world, and the killer was still out there. Ducky knew if he could awaken Gibbs desire for revenge, there would be something of the man to salvage. Ducky was relentless in reminding Gibbs that his team needed him there to organize, delegate and interpret. Finally after many weeks, Ducky arrived at Gibbs house to find him showered, shaved, and suited up, his only concern was the degree of hate in his eyes.

Once back at work, actually doing something was the medicine Gibbs needed. He spent all his waking hours researching every document, piece of evidence and witness statement looking for the one thing that would set them on the trail. He took time away only to review the progress the team made on other current cases. Thank God they were a well oiled machine, needing minimal guidance or advice to go forward on their own.

Finally he found it. It hadn't come to light before because there was one piece missing, and that had been added just last week, when Howard had been murdered by another inmate, Tommy "Sweet" Jackson.

Charles Kaspar, Howard's parole officer had been Howard's only link to the outside world, Howard hadn't had a single other visitor or letter since his arrest. As Howard's former parole officer, Kaspar had no problem getting access to Howard, as part of a "study" he explained he was doing about recidivism. He wasn't even signed in on the regular visitor's list, he came in as an "official."

What stared up at Gibbs now was the fact that Kaspar was also Jackson's parole officer. After a call to Fornell, Gibbs signed himself out and headed for Kaspar's office. He intended to plant some unsettling news on Kaspar. After being admitted to Kaspar's office, Gibbs explained they needed his help in capturing Howard's accomplice, who had also murdered two more women and a child.

He told Kaspar that Jackson had told prison officials Howard had given him the name of his "partner" just before they got into the fatal altercation, and he was willing to deal for a walk on Howard's murder. Gibbs explained that since he was already in for life, they were willing to make the deal, but figured Kaspar knew Jackson well enough to know if he was telling the truth or not. Jackson wouldn't utter a word without the deal in writing, and his lawyer present. Kaspar was nearly giddy with the opportunity to be in the loop, and his mind was already working on how to get to Jackson before he gave it up. While they talked, the FBI was digging into Kaspar's entire history. What came to light was that Kaspar was allowed to resign from his last job before charges were filed against him for sexual harassment against his assigned parolees. His male parolees. They hadn't actually complained because of the sexual advances, but because of his blind temper when he was thwarted in any way.

Gibbs had already known Howard was gay, and it was fairly obvious that Tommy "Sweet" was as well.

Now he knew, Howard and Kaspar had been lovers. It was clear now that once Kaspar realized there was no way anything would change for Howard he added Donna and Jayden to his list of kills.

The FBI arranged for an undercover agent, Mike Logan, to be assigned to Kaspar. Logan was a man with past success in ingratiating himself with "dirty" officials. Logan was vicious looking, but gay and not afraid to make it known, or to use it to his advantage. After the first appointment, Kaspar and Logan met that night for drinks. By the second day, Logan had declared his love for Kaspar, and had unburdened himself to Kaspar with a list of violent crimes that had even Kaspar impressed. The man was so impressed with his own intelligence and intuition that his guard was down. He let it be known in bits and pieces that there was a threat to him in prison, and if he were allowed to talk, Kaspar would be unavailable to Logan for a long, long time. Logan's action was perfection, the rage he showed that a lousy con would be responsible for the end of his time with Kaspar impressed Kaspar again. Logan let Kaspar know he had contacts inside that owed him big, and would take care of whatever needed doing. Naturally Logan wasn't wired, since their relationship would have turned that up within minutes, but bless technology, they were able to hear every word from the truck outside Kaspar's apartment. They waited till he gave all the details to Logan, including the fact that Jackson had to die, not just be threatened or beaten. Gibbs had the pleasure of being on the scene when the team broke in and took Kaspar into custody.

Howard was dead, and when Kaspar was eventually sent to his maker for the final justice, Gibbs was there to watch, but his only satisfaction was that there would be no further victims at the hands of either of these animals.

Shortly after, chance came for an overseas assignment, and Gibbs jumped on it. He was to take his newest Agent, Jen Sheppard. She was bold and brassy, at the outset more brass than brains, but she was a quick learner; He looked forward to directing his energies towards turning out a top agent. As the assignment progressed and they grew closer, he returned to the land of the living. Jen was just the thing, she made it clear from the outset, no strings attached. The assignment ended with Gibbs arrested in Paris, but their objective had been met, and after some negotiations Gibbs was released and returned to the states to find his team had disbanded and moved on. He was faced with an unlikely new group of potential agents and set to work molding them to his satisfaction.

He returned to the present and considered another drink, but thinking about his current team removed the need to sink into oblivion. He owed it to these characters who never let him down to lead the way. And he would.