God, I love that man. I look over at the sleeping bundle lying next to me. I love every inch of him. From his silver hair all rustled up, to his very nice ass, that I love so much until the tiny mol on his big toe. All of it. Every time I look at him I can't help but smile as I think of how we just made love, or even how he just held me in his arms. I've loved him from the first time I laid eyes on him, the first time he smiled at me. Even the first time he slapped me over the head. But I've also hated him. Hated him to the point he'd almost lost me.

People always say I'm a womaniser who will chase anything with a skirt. Little do they know I'm deeply in love with a man, my man, my Jethro. But it was him that crossed the line. And with one of his ex-wives to make matters worse.

It happened on a Friday night. I wanted to surprise him with a weekend of lovemaking he'd never forget. Instead it was me who'd remember that night for a long time. Even now, when I think about it, I still feel hurt.

I arrived at his house and saw a strange car parked in the driveway. Gibbs never locks his door, so I just walk in, as I usually do. And there my heart froze. There in the kitchen stood Gibbs, kissing ex-wife number two. I know it was her, because Gibbs had shown me pictures of all of them. He also told me she was the only one he'd still talked to, which made what I saw hurt even more. They never saw me, because after getting over the shock a bit, I stumbled out of there. I couldn't believe it. How could he do this to me? Was I just a distraction from what he really wanted? Get back together with her?

I decided I really didn't want to think about that just yet, so I stopped at the first bar I saw and got completely wasted. I don't remember a lot about that weekend. Just a lot of booze, sleep and unanswered messages on my machine. He called me a couple of times, asking me where I was and if I wanted to come over. I picked up the phone and threw it back down. He didn't even come to my apartment. Probably busy with her! Good! I really didn't want anything to do with him. He was just like any other. This was just like back in Baltimore. When people found out about me, they stayed as far away from me as possible, but for one. He pretended to love me, but then ignored me when our relationship was about to be exposed. Said he didn't want anything to do with a fagot and then went back to his wife. Of god! How did I let myself be so stupid again? I fell, head over heels, and then hit the ground, hard.

But as he still was my boss, I had to see him on Monday. I seriously considered calling in sick, but then I had to talk to him and knowing him, he'd just come up to my place to see for himself; if he cared. At least at work I had other things to keep me busy. Other people to talk to. So Monday came and as a good agent I went to work. I was almost late. See if I cared. He should be glad I showed up.

Of course Gibbs immediately saw something wasn't right. He was about to make a comment about my late arrival, but the glare I gave him even made him wince. Who knew anyone could do that? He looked at me questionably as I sat behind my desk. I tried my best to ignore him. I didn't want to be dragged into the elevator, his ‘office' and be forced to talk. But Gibbs wouldn't be Gibbs if he didn't get what he wanted. He ordered me to go down to Abby's lab and get the results from a blood test. I couldn't very well defy a direct order, although I'm not military, but he's my boss and will kick my ass if I don't do as he says, no matter how angry I am with him. So I went down. Got the results. Abby also saw something was up but didn't push it. Then I went back up. Wanted to step out of the elevator… and was pushed back in by Gibbs. Normally I like it when he and I are alone in the elevator. It always means some fun few minutes, but now it was the last thing I wanted.

Halfway somewhere he switched the stop-switch and looked at me. I really didn't want to talk and moved to switch it back, but was stopped by his hand on my arm. I snatched it back like he was burning me. How could he touch me, after he touched her? I backed away until I was at the furthest corner of the elevator, looking at everything but him. He held up both hand in a kind of surrendering way and looked even more questionably. He realised it had something to do with us. When he spoke it was very cautious and gentle. Gibbs the boss has a very strong, powerful voice. But Jethro the lover speaks soft and gentle. And cautious, when he realises he's in trouble.

"What's wrong?" he asks. How couldn't he realise what was wrong? Was he going to deny everything? Pretend nothing had happened? I shot him one of the darkest glares I had and startled a bit when I detected a hint of fear in his eyes.

"Think" I almost growled the word. He still had no clue. Fine! If he was so dumb to say anything, I would spit it out for him. "Did you have fun Friday night?" My voice was dark and full of repressed anger that was about to hit the surface.

Question and fear turned into complete shock when he realised what I was talking about. At least he wasn't going to deny it. Which didn't comfort me at all. He was going to come out and say he wanted to be with her and that I was just a distraction. Something to kill the time while he was waiting for what he really wanted. Her!

I couldn't deal with that. Not now. I moved again to switch the stop-switch, but he recovered from the shock in time to stop me again. "Wait" he said. He almost begged.

I glared at him. "For what?" now my anger was pushing that thin line that separates the surface with the ocean. And suddenly I burst out. I couldn't keep my voice down. "For you to tell me this was nothing? You want to get back with her? We meant nothing? Something to pass the time? No thanks!"

Now he looked almost desperate. "For me to explain" His eyes were pleading me to stay. "What you saw meant nothing". Oh that's rich!

"Oh, please. Is that the best you got? What I saw wasn't a peck on the cheek, Jethro!" now I was yelling. Normally it's always Gibbs yelling at us. It was weird to have him experience it. "You were practically dragging her upstairs. To the same bed we…" I couldn't say it. The same bed he took me in. Made love to me. Telling me I was the only one. Bet he said that to her as well. I suddenly felt repulsed with myself. What if this had gone on a while? What if he made love to me right after he'd fucked her? I turned round and leant my head against the wall, trying not to get sick.

"It meant nothing, to me. We didn't do anything" he walked to me and slowly turned me around so I could see his eyes. "I swear to you. Yes, we kissed. I'm not going to deny that. And I'm not going to lie to you. I would never. But we didn't go any further than that. She wanted, but I couldn't. I would never. And I told her that." He looked at me intently. His eyes searched mine. I knew he was telling the truth. He wouldn't. "I love you too much to even think about that."

"But you kissed her. Like you kiss me. You said you'd never kissed anyone like you kissed me" he saw the hurt in my eyes and his eyes glazed a bit. I couldn't look at him anymore. I was almost crying myself and didn't want him to see it. I was vulnerable enough.

He took my head in his hands and lifted it so our eyes locked again. "I will never, and have never ever kissed anyone like I kiss you" He reached up and gently brushed his lips against mine. I wanted to give in, but couldn't. Not yet. I still couldn't get that image out of my head of them in the kitchen. He saw it, so took a step back to let me pull switch the stop-switch and get out of the elevator.

When I got back at my desk Kate looked at me but could see in my eyes now wasn't the time to talk. She also saw Gibbs' look when he passed my desk and glanced at me with sad eyes. I tried to ignore it. I already felt bad enough.

Kate is one of the few people who know about us. Only she, Ducky and of course Abby. She knows because she's Gibbs' daughter and he can't keep anything from her. No one can fool Ducky and Kate saw us one day. She didn't catch us, but waited until it was the right time to tell us she knew. That's what I love about her. She makes as many remarks as I do, but will be quiet when she sees something's seriously wrong. Like now. Kate's become like my sister. I can talk to her, when I don't feel like talking to Gibbs about something. Not that I keep secrets from him. But sometimes it easier to talk to someone more objective.

Normally we're always swapped with cases when we least want to be, but for the one time I want to be busy, nothing. Not a single case to work on. I spend the entire day doing paperwork. A day had never been this long. All I wanted was to just get out of there. It took forever to be five o'clock. Kate's car was in the garage, so I offered her a ride home. It was on my way. As we left I saw Gibbs was trying really hard to seem busy. But I knew he as just waiting for me to leave first. He knew when to give me space. He also knew I wanted to talk, not to him, but someone on the outside of it. Someone like Kate. I loved him for always being able to read me. He tried not to look at me as we left, but failed. I just felt his eyes on me.

On our way to Kate's house she waited until we were well on the road to start talking. "You want to talk about it." I should but was a bit hesitant.

"About what?" I wasn't ready yet.

"About whatever he did." No question who ‘he' was. She saw I needed to come out and say it, but was afraid to. "I think even McGee saw something was off between you two." I looked at her shocked. No way did I want Probie to know about us. No yet anyway. "But he doesn't have a clue about you two" she quickly added when she saw the look on my face. I slowly relaxed back a bit.

I did need to talk to someone about it. "Do you remember wife number two?" she nodded, but looked a bit questionably.

"Yes. Isn't that the only one who still talks to Gibbs? Why?"

"Well I saw them doing more than talk Friday night." Now Kate was the one in shock.

"You're kidding!"

I gave her a look that described ‘does it look like I'm kidding?' "I saw them kissing. Like the kiss you have when you're about to fuck someone's brains out." My eyes darkened just thinking about it.

"And what did Gibbs say?" Sure that that was the topic of our conversation in the elevator.

"That they didn't do anything else. That's he couldn't. And I believe him. It's just…"

She cut me off and said exactly what I was thinking. "It wasn't a peck on the cheek."

I didn't answer at first, but just nodded. "It hurt"

She looked at me sympathetically. ""It's supposed to hurt when you love someone like you do."

I suddenly felt a shot of anger in me. I was surprised to hear I snapped back an answer. "When the other person loves you as he claims to do, he's not supposed to hurt you like that"

She didn't react to my sudden anger. "He does love you, you know"

I snorted at that. "Funny way of showing it" My voice was dark and heavy.

"He does. I watched him today, while he was working." I looked at her questionably. Why was she watching Gibbs? It was like she read my mind. "I knew something was up so I kept an eye on him. It was the first time since I've known Gibbs that he couldn't concentrate on the job. Normally he's practically obsessed until a case is finished" So true. Sometimes it's even a bit scary. Especially when it's something personal. "He kept glancing over at your desk. Looking at you. I think trying to make sure you were ok. Each time his eyes darkened with a look of pain and regret. It was sad to see him like that. "

Although the larger part of me felt the pain of Gibbs suffering, deep down there was also a part that felt good about it. Let him suffer a bit for what he did to me. "Right now I really don't care if he feels hurt" That was a complete lie, but I couldn't tell her that. I watched the road, trying to concentrate on something else than Gibbs feeling hurt. He was the one who screwed up, remember?

Of course she knew I was lying. "You don't believe that." I hate it when she can read me. I glared at her, but she wasn't thrown back. She knew I was trying to fool myself, make myself feel better. And very much failing at that.

We arrived at her house, where she invited me in for a cup of coffee. Not now. All I really wanted to do was to go home, take a long bad and curl myself in front of the TV with a big bowl of pasta. God, I sound like a girl.

Things didn't go as planned. I arrived home to find him waiting at my front door. "How did you…" I was completely shocked. How did he get here so fast? He left after we did and I took the shortest route here. Kate's not even a detour.

"Short cut." Of course. Gibbs always knows a short cut to anywhere. If it there isn't any, he'll make one.

I was about to tell him to go home, because I really didn't want to see him now. I'd just had spend the entire day trying to ignore him. I couldn't do it again. But he interrupted me. "I'm leaving in a minute. But please let me talk first. Then you can throw me out." My brain and my heart were fighting. Brain yelling to kick him out now, but heart equally hard to let him stay.

Again the pleading eyes. Damn it! He knows I can't say no to that. I opened the door to let him in. no need for my neighbours to hear this. "Fine. Talk" I didn't look at him, but just passed him by on my way to the kitchen to make the pasta. Actually the pasta was just so I'd have something to do so I wouldn't have to look at him. He knows it's just a tactic. Damn. That man knows practically everything about me. Just walking past him makes the hair in my neck stand up.

"Please look at me" his voice is again very soft and careful. I can't look at him. So keep staring at the pasta in my hand, but not moving. He gets it so starts talking to my back.
"I know I don't deserve to be forgiven. And I will accept that. I only want you to know that I'm sorry for letting myself be pulled in by her. It's what she does. It's what she's always done with men. It's one of the reasons I divorced her, but it's also what make her so appealing."

I could hear breaking sounds and realised that I was crushing the pasta. So she was appealing. I couldn't help but turn around and glare at him. But this time he didn't wince. Just stood there, nervous as hell, but honesty written al over his face. God help the man for always being so honest. But right now it was killing me.

He saw that last statement might have been a mistake to tell. But just continued. "Yes, appealing. To men in general. But I soon realised that she didn't have the same effect on me anymore. I didn't want to sleep with her. My body only ached for one, for you. And it was screaming that. So much even she saw it. I pushed her back and told her I couldn't. I wasn't like that anymore. That I loved someone else. Someone who means more to me then anyone else has. She didn't take it lightly. And I've got the bruise to prove it. She hit me with a saucepan." I couldn't help but chuckle at that. Why does he always get hit over the head with something? The sight of someone hitting Gibbs with a saucepan. Damn it, he was winning me over.

He saw I was giving in. "I know I hurt you. I saw it the minute you stepped into the office today. I knew it was something I did by the way you looked at me. And I realised you must've seen us, because that was the only thing I did this weekend that could have hurt you. I'm sorry it did, I did. I didn't come over, because I thought that since you didn't answer my calls you wanted some space. And although it hurt like hell not to be near you, I love and respect you too much to not give you what you want." He was now looking down as if afraid of what he might see in my eyes.

Although it still hurt and I couldn't forgive him yet, I couldn't stay mad. I'd never seen Gibbs this vulnerable. Even this vocal. I put down the pasta, which were now only crumbs and slowly crossed over to him.

He looked up as I stood in front of him. His eyes were moist with unshed tears and asking, no begging for forgiveness. I cupped his head in my hands, slowly lifting it and brushed my lips against his.

As I nuzzled in his neck, I felt his arms tighten around me, holding me as if I was his last life-support. "I missed you so much" he whispered in my ears.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear me?" I also whispered, but strong enough to make it sound like a command.

He answered in the truest way I've ever heard. "I'm now and for always will be yours, completely"

I stated that by gently biting his neck as if I were claiming ownership. "You are."

"And I'm yours" I said before we went upstairs to take that long bath I had planned. And feeling better I didn't have to take it alone.