L'amour plus fort que la mort… ? (English).


It was not true…simply impossible. He couldn't believe it. He had realized something was wrong as soon as he had seen him get down the stairs. They've been lovers for months and friends for longer than that. He knew something was bothering him. They had not shared only good moments over the years and he was able to tell they would have to go through another ordeal.

But, this time, when he had seen him sit at his desk and begun to put his stuff in a bag, he had realized that their lives had taken a new turn. And he was not sure to like it. He had stood up and walked slowly to the desk of the man who was secretly sharing his life for months. Looking around to be sure no one could see or hear them, he got closer to the only person that really mattered to him.

-What's happenning? You're going somewhere?
The man in front of him looked up. He had first believed that this man was unable to have emotions. But he knew now that he had been wrong. Feelings and emotions were here, well hidden behind a pretended coldness. What he could now read in those eyes didn't reassure him.
-What's wrong?

No answer…he was beginning to worry. The blue eyes starring at him seemed serene and resigned but he was unable to interpret this silence.
-You're scaring me. I think we should go somewhere to talk.
They walked to the elevator in silence and he saw that the man walking beside him seemed tired. His shoulders were bent. He had even seen him fall asleep in front of the television and he had not touched his boat for weeks.

He was sure something was really wrong but he was too scared to ask the question that was burning his lips. He was too scared to hear the answer he could get. But he had realized he would have to face the truth sooner or later.

They sat inside the car. No need to go far to have some intimacy. They had learnt where they could meet without being seen or disturbed. They had learnt to be careful. Keeping their love secret had been really hard for them but they could not take any risks.

-So…? What happens?
-I quitted.
Tony remained silent. He didn't know what to say. He had believed he would hear something like "Sorry, Tony but we can't continue like that" or "Sorry but I realized it was a mistake". But that…He knew there was more behind that simple statement.
-Why…?
-I don't think it's the best moment to talk about that.
-Not the best moment…? You're kidding...?

Tony could not believe what he was hearing.
-I thought we had a agreement we had decided to share everything … I thought it was clear between us from the beginning… No secrets between us.
-I didn't say I didn't want to talk about it.
-Don't play with words, Gibbs. You know perfectly well what I mean. Has it something to do with the fact you seem tired lately. I know you talked with Ducky.
-Not now Tony…

The way he tried to look away from him was more explicitthan words. Tony was now more than worried. Gibbs was sick, Ducky had found something in his last medical exams…And it was serious enough for him to quit.
-Jethro, please, talk to me. You're not alone.
-You are alone while facing your own death…There is no other way…

With those words Gibbs exited the car and walked to the elevator. Tony could not move, he didn't know what he should do now. Should he run after him and tell him they would go over it together, that they would find a solution what ever the problem could be? Or should he stay here trying to understand what Gibbs' words really meant?
He wanted to cry, to scream, to wake up from this nightmare. Gibbs could not have said what he had heard. A man like him could not die. The man he was in love with could not die.


He was searching a way to talk to Tony for weeks but it was never the good time. How can you say that to the one you love. "Look, Tony, I'm dying. I have only a few weeks left." First he had found it unfair. He ahd just found happiness with the a man he was foundly in love with after years of disastrous relationships. He had just found the other half of his soul…the man he wanted to grow old with. He would have wanted it to last a little longer.

His doctor had given him 3 months…It had seemed so easy for him to say that. He knew it was not true but seeing him saying those words had been really hard for him. This doc had announced it with such a calm…
He had told him there were things they could try…but those treatments would probably not work…Dying with tubes everywhere…No thanks.

He had felt lost while he was walking to his car after this appointment but he ahd only realized what it really meant when he had seen Tony's car parked in front of his house. What would he tell him? He had never been so happy since the day he had opened his heart to this man.

They had waited for a long time before taking the next step in their realtionship. He could still remember their doubts and hesitations…But their first night together had been a magic moment. They'd both had many experiences but they had shared this night had been so much more than sex.
They had realized what they really meant for each other. It had been so easy and intense at the same time. Gibbs had allowed himself to trust someone for the first time in years. He had given this man his body, heart and soul.

When he ahd opened the door of his house this night and found Tony in the kitchen, he had understood he would be unable to tell him…He could not do that to him, he could not put an end to their dreams, to what they had planned together. So he had decided to wait. He knew it was unfair to hide the truth to him but he was so scared… he was afraid to loose him…Afraid to never see him again.

Today he had decided to talk to Madam Director. He had waited to talk to her. He didn't want to do that but he knew he could not go on like that. He could not handle his job anymore without putting the life of his team members at risk. And he could not do that to them. She had looked at him with tears in her eyes and he had walked away before she began to cry. He could not believe he had once thought they could be more than friends…

Tony knew now. Gibbs realized he should have stayed with him. The younger man didn't deserve such coldness. It was not his fault. Gibbs could not help thinking he should tell him to go away and forget about him. He could not ask him to live that at his side…but he needed him so much. He didn't want to be alone…He didn't want to die alone…

Selfish…? Probably…But had he the right to be selfish? Shit…He had this right. He ahd even the right to be angry…To be mad at the entire world…at God whatever his name. Love was suppposed to be stronger than death…Or it was a sanction…But why…? They had the right to be in love with each other and no one could forbid them to.

He knew it was useless to be angry. He ahd not time to waste with anger. He ahd so many things to do and not enough time to do them. One night he had tried to make a list of what he would never do. He had not thought there would be so many things. But what he wanted the most was to have a little more time with Tony. Time to build a new life with him. He wanted to know what growing old with someone you love really meant.

He had spent the rest of the night looking at his sleeping lover, trying to engrave this image in his memory. He wanted to take with him all the moments they had shared, all his smiles…He treasured every minute he had spent with him, every kiss. He would have loved to keep him close, to hold him for the time he had left. He had spent his nights his head rested on Tony's chest, listening to the soft sound of his heart.


Tony had gone to Director Sheppard's office directly after coming back from the parking. He had not taken him so much time to decide what he had to do. Gibbs had not said all the truth but he knew enough to take a decision. He needed to be with him. He didn't know what they would do or what the future had planned for them but he would not let Gibbs keep him away.

From the beginning the older man had tried to protect him…From rumors, from being hurt and something he had even tried to protect him from McGee and Ziva's jokes. It was funny to see him frown every time one of them was making stupid jokes to him. Gibbs knew it was a game between them, a weird way to show their affection for each other.
He would never have guessed that Gibbs could be so protective but he had soon found out that the older man was a lot different when he trusted someone enough to open up. And he was happy that Leroy Jethro Gibbs had opened his heart to him.

Tony had never been good for long time relationships but he could not imagine his life without Gibbs at his side. They had shared so much in only a few months…He could help feeling a pang of anguish at the thought all of it could be over soon…

He asked Director Sheppard a leave for personnal reasons. And she had granted his wish…In fact he had not let her any other choice. She had just lost her best agent and he knew she would not have let him quit.

He had pormised her he would come back. But he was not convinced of it himself. How would he be able to do this job without Gibbs? How would he be able to live if the only person he loved was dead? He didn't want to think about it for now.

The only person that mattered now was Gibbs. They had not so much time to spend together but he will be with him. They would share all the time they had left together.

He walked to Gibbs' desk as soon as he exited Sheppard's office. He put a hand on the older man's shoulder and waited for him to look up.
-We are going back home, Jethro.
Gibbs did not open his mouth while Tony was driving to his house. He knew Tony had thousands of questions to ask.

While they were walking to the door of Gibbs' house, Tony took his hand in his. This move meant more than any other words he could have said. They needed to be close but they had not shared any intimacy when someone could see them. Today, Tony wanted to show him they had nothing to hide anymore. Gibbs stopped in front of the door.

-I'm sorry Tony.
-For what, Jethro?
-I should have talked to you earlier.
-For how long do you know…?
-A week…I didn't want…
Tony placed a hand on his cheek and closed the gap between them. The kiss was tender and brief. But Gibbs understood what Tony wanted to say with that kiss. He forgave him.
-I love you, Jethro and nothing would ever change that…never.

The next night, they made love taking all their time. They wanted to savour every minute they could have together. Gibbs slept once more with his head on Tony's chest but the younger man didn't sleep this night. He could accept the idea that he would not be allowed to spend his life with this man. He wanted to keep him here, to stop the time…Life could be so unfair…
How could you accept the death of the man you love? Why have you to suffer when you love?
He spent this night and the next ones trying to find a satifying answer to those questions. But he didn't find one simply because there was no answer. You can't accept death but it's not acceptable…It's not acceptable to be stolen what is your life. He knew he would not be able to live without Gibbs, with his love…

Some things were an enigma for him: why love and pain were always so close. But pain was here…every time he was seeing Gibbs wince, every time he needed to sit down because he was too tired to walk.
They spent their nights holding each other and their days doing what Gibbs wanted to do. Most of the time they watched a movie or just stayed home taking care of the garden. Gibbs had taught him what he needed to know to finish his boat. He ahd made him promise he would finish it and try to sail it.

Tony had guessed it was a way for him to be sure he would not follow him. Gibbs knew that once Tony would have made the promise he would keep it. He didn't want to die thinking Tony would follow him. He knew that he could not ask him to build a new life but he could only hope that finishing the boat would take enough time for him to heal and find the strength to survive.
Tony knew that nothing would lessen his pain and that one day he would join him in eternal sleep.

One morning Gibbs didn't get up. Tony called Ducky. Their friend had stayed closed to them trying to help Tony the best he could. But the ME knew that the only things he could do was to be at their side. When Ducky got out of the bedroom, Tony understood immediately what his friend was about to say. He didn't let him talk and hugged him. Ducky tried to hold back a sob. He didn't want to add his sorrow to Tony's pain. The younger didn't need that.

-You should go back home, Ducky. I will stay with him.
-I wish I could do more, Anthony.
-You've already done a lot, Ducky. I promised him to be with him until the end.
-My God, Anthony…It's so unfair…
-I know, Ducky. But we've been lucky to have known him…We've been very lucky.
Ducky tried to hold back the tears but he had just said his last good bye to his best friend and now it felt like he was doing the same with Tony.
-Don't do anything stupid, Anthony. There are people who care a lot for you.

The younger man smiled sadly at him. His older friend knew that nothing would keep him from following Gibbs the day he would decide it. But he had first a pormise to keep.
-I have a boat to finish, Ducky…I owe him that.
Tony hugged his friend one last time before walking to the door of the room that had hidden their love…

The room was dark. Gibbs was on the bed and the older man seemed to be asleep. He ahd lost a lot of weight lately and Tony could read the apin on his face.
-Tony…?
-It's me, Jethro.
A light smile appeared on Gibbs' face when he saw Tony sat on the bed next to him.
-You need something?
-Can you open the curtains? It's too dark here…I want to see you.
Tony stood up and let the day light enter the room. He breathed deeply savouring the fresh air before coming back to Gibbs' side.

-How are you feeling?
-Tired…I'm so sorry Tony.
Tony put a finger on his lover's lips then he kissed him lightly. He layed down next to him and hold him tightly.
-There's no need to be sorry, Jethro. It's not your fault.
-Promise you won't do anything stupid after…
-I was sure you would ask me that one day. I never lied to you Jethro and I don't want to begin today.
-Tony…You have so much to live…You will find love again…

Tony hold him tighter. He didn't want to let his emotions overwhelm him. He had pormised himself to be strong but he could not hold abck his tears. He could feel life leaving little by little the body he was holding. He surprised himself praying for a little more time, for another chance.
-I will never love anyone else, Jethro…Never.
-Tony, please…
Tears were now freely running down his cheeks. It would have been easy to say the words Gibbs wanted to hear. It would have been easy to promise him he would not follow him into death. But he could not lie to him…not now.

-I love you, Jethro…More than life itself. I cherished every minute we spent together. I felt your love make me stronger, make us stronger. No one would ever replace that…Never.
-I love you too, Tony. I wish I could have been stronger…
-You the strongest I've ever met. You showed what being loved and love in return really meant. I've never felt that for anyone before and I will never feel that again.

Gibbs rested his head against Tony's shoulder. His eyes were filled with tears.
-I'm so scared, Tony.
Tony clenched his teeth and kissed Gibbs' forehead.
-I'm here, Jethro. You're not alone.
-I don't want…
-I know, Jethro…I know Love.
Tony wanted to scream and run away…He had never felt so helpless. He had never had to make something so hard.
-Tony, hold me tight.
Gibbs put his left arm around Tony's waist and his right hand on Tony's hand.
-Don't be afraid, Jethro. I'm here with you.
-I know, Tony…I know.

They stayed like that for long minutes and Tony thought Gibbs had finally fallen asleep. He was caressing Gibbs' hair still holding his hand.
-I love when you do that.
Tony smiled.
-Me too, Jethro…

Gibbs' body tensed suddenly and Tony released his hold.
-Don't leave me Tony…
-Tell me what to do Jethro.
-Nothing, Tony. There's nothing you can do…I'm so tired…
"God, please give me more time…Only a little more time."

-Tony, I love you…Don't forget that…
Gibbs' voice was now only a whisper. The last bits of life were leaving his weakened body.
-I love you with all my heart and my soul, Jethro…You can sleep now…Everything will be ok…
Tony had said those words in his ear and Gibbs fell asleep in his arms a smile on his face. Minutes later, Tony felt Gibbs'hand let go of his own. His love was gone…He was feeling so empty…he was now alone.

He let his sorrow overwhelm him and cried for long minutes…He didn't want to let him go…
-I love you Jethro and nothing will keep us apart. I will keep my promise and I will get back to you…

Six months later he was on board the Kelly Ann and was looking at the sea. He had spent the last months alone in the basement of the house Gibbs had let him. No one had understood his behaviour…except Ducky.

His old friend had tried to help him and give him the will to go on with his life but you can't survive your true love. Tony had kept his promise and Gibbs' dream was now sailing on the Atlantic Ocean. Tony didn't know a lot about sailing but he didn't really need to know a lot. He had no intention to come back to the coast.

He watched the sunset one last time. He was relieved and happy. His decision had been taken a long time ago and no one could have stopped him. Gibbs would probably have blamed him for giving up but Tony knew he would have understood his choice in the end.

Tony was beginning to feel the effects of the meds he had taken. His doctor had not asked him any question when he had explained him he couldn't sleep. He had prescribed him sleeping pills and told him to take one before going to bed…He had taken one for every night he had not slept and now he was drifting between sleep and death.

He finally fell asleep thinking that he would soon be reunited with his true love. He didn't believe in after life but he could not live one more day without him. He knew he would not wake up from this night but he didn't care anymore.

A smile was still enlightining his face when they found his body the next morning.