I Will Be

My music is up loud, in the vain hope that it will drown out my thoughts. It doesn't work, but what I wouldn't give just to not hear myself think. I sigh; I had been doing that a lot lately, and turn it off. It wasn't helping, just giving me a headache.
Sleep. Maybe I could escape the harsh realities of this earth through sleep. I kick off my boots and lay down on the bench in the corner. The quiet reprieve of sleep washes over me sooner than I expected, but it isn't a peaceful quiet. As though it had been waiting for me, a dream began to play.

*I'm on the rooftop where Kate… and she's there, with Tony and Gibbs. She's smiling, and her mouth is moving, but there's no sound. Not yet. She laughs silently, but then her expression turns cold, afraid. The fear shines in her eyes as she turns and points to the far rooftop. She says something, but despite my lip-reading prowess I can't tell what it is. Tony and Gibbs' expressions turn serious, and then the sound comes, if only for a moment.
A gunshot. My best friend is no longer standing before me. She is on the ground, a bullet through her forehead. She's dead*

I wake up on the floor sobbing. Her death is hard enough to cope with, but why must I continue to endure that dream? Part of me tries to laugh at how the two things are different, but she's still dead. I sit up, rubbing my knee, where it had hit the floor, and try to stem the flow of tears falling down my face. It's pointless, so I stop trying and instead let them fall freely. I don't look up when the lab door opens, or when he walks in. He looks me over with striking green eyes, but doesn't ask. My tears need no explanation.
Instead he sits down beside me and pulls me into a gentle embrace. Together we sit there and cry. His tears are slower than mine and less frequent, but for the same reason. Finally I have to say something, through my tears I manage to gasp,
"Why Kate?" My words seem to break the spell, and he stands, helping me up off of the floor.
"I don't know," he replies. His voice is sad, almost guilty, "I could have done something." Now it is my turn to comfort him.
"Tony, there was nothing you could have done." I lean in and kiss him. We stand there for seemingly endless minutes. Finally he pulls away.
"Are you okay?" he asks, looking into my eyes.
"No," I reply, "but I will be."