Chapter 1. The truth can hurt.

It usually took more than a weird feeling to worry a man like Leroy Jethro Gibbs but in the last weeks something had changed in Tony’s behaviour. He seemed to be distracted…He was still doing his job and was still his best agent but it was as if he had more important things in mind.

He was not the only one to worry. Even Ziva had tried to talk to him about it. As usual he had played his favourite role. He answered her like a boss would have done… Ziva thought Tony may have health problems…there was another explanation…of course. Tony could not be sick…It was something else.

But Gibbs had doubts and he hated having doubts about something…especially when Tony was concerned. He had had this conversation with Ziva two days ago and he was still trying to find a way to talk to Tony. He was his boss and he had the right to know if Tony had problems. But it was not the boss who was worried…It was the friend…The man who was secretly in love with one of his team mate.

He should not have such feelings for Tony…It was wrong. He had been taught it was wrong to love a man. He had tried to forget about his desires, his needs…to deny his feelings every time he touched Tony, every time he was near him. But it didn’t work.

Accepting his feelings had helped him at first but now it was getting harder to face him every day pretending his was only a co worker for him. And today was not different. Gibbs looked at Tony when he got out of the elevator. He was wearing a black shirt and a pair of jeans. While Tony was walking to his desk, Gibbs thought about the drawing Kate had done. He had kept them without telling anyone, looking at them at night when everyone had left the building.

-Hi, Boss.
-Tony.
Gibbs pretended to be busy typing something on his computer. He didn’t want Tony to see how confused he was every time he looked at him.
-Anything new?
-You tell me, Tony …

Gibbs had not meant to say this but his mind was not working so fine lately. The words had come out of his mouth before he could think about what he was saying.

-I’m not sure to understand, Boss. Am I supposed to know what you’re talking about?
Gibbs had only two choices now. The first one was to do as if it was Tony’s fault…as if he should have understood what he meant. It would not be so hard. The younger man has always tried to please his boss and making him feel guilty about something was not difficult.

The second choice he had was to ask him directly what was going on… Why he was acting so differently. Tony saw Gibbs’ hesitation. Only a year ago, Tony would have turned his back and found refuge behind his desk waiting for Gibbs’ reproaches.

But things had changed. Tony had proved he could be the Boss too. Even if Gibbs could feel it was not easy for the younger man to stand in front of him, he knew Tony would not flee.

-Have I done something wrong, Boss?
-It’s not about the job, Tony. You just seem distant and I wanted to be sure everything was ok for you.
-What can make you think there’s something wrong?
-Something has changed…
-And it bothers you because you don’t know why…?

Gibbs had not expected such a reply. Tony seemed angry at him.
-I’m your boss, Tony. And I need to know everything that would keep you from doing your job.
-I will ask one last time…Have I done something wrong…? Something that could make you think I’m not able to do my job…?
-No, but…
-As you said you’re the boss. So if you think I can’t do my job you can send me back home and talk about it with Director Sheppard. If not… then I have paper work to do.

Tony walked back to his desk and Gibbs could see the tension in his shoulders.
-I’m just worried.
-About what…?
Tony waited for Gibbs’ answer but when Gibbs didn’t reply he walked back to his boss’ desk. Placing his hands on the desk, he faced Gibbs.

-My personal life is not your problem. You have no right to ask about it. I’ve never doubted you even when I had reasons to think you were not able to do your job.
-You are off limits, Tony.
-I’m not the one who started this…Boss. I can ask for another team if you don’t trust me anymore.
-That’s not what I’ve said.

Gibbs didn’t like to be in such a position especially in front of Tony. He stood up and faced the younger man. He wished he could have told him exactly why he had asked him that question. But he could not tell him that. He could not tell him he was worried because he felt he was loosing him.

-I trust you Tony or you would not be here in front of me today. But I will say it only once…don’t let your personal life come in the way. You have a job to do and I want you to concentrate on that.
-Message received, Boss. Is that all?
-For now…yes.
-Good.

Now Gibbs was sure Tony was hiding something…something he didn’t want his boss to know. But he needed to know even more now. At that precise moment Gibbs decided to do what he was the best at doing…he would investigate and find out what Tony was trying so hard to hide.

It was a slow day. No new case…they stayed at the office all day filling papers, writing reports. Tony left early after asking Gibbs if he needed him to do something else. Gibbs didn’t miss the sarcasm behind Tony’s words.
-No, Tony. I think I can deal with my last report without your help.

Tony didn’t answer anything even if Gibbs could feel Tony would have liked to say something more about it. He left the building as fast as he could and he didn’t see that Gibbs’ car was following him.

Tony stopped in front of a restaurant, got out of his car and walked to a woman. Gibbs’ heart was beating fast. He knew Tony liked to be seen as a Don Juan with a lot of women in his life. But Gibbs had learnt to see the truth behind Tony’s tales. And in the last year Gibbs had begun to hope there was a chance Tony could see more than a boss in him.

But tonight the truth was right in front of him. There was so much tenderness in Tony’s moves when he took her in his arms. There was so much love in his eyes when he kissed her.
Gibbs didn’t know who this woman was but it was obvious that she was more than a flirt for Tony.

Gibbs stayed in his car for long minutes before deciding to drive back home. Of course, he had known there was a possibility that Tony had someone in his life. There was no reason that a man like him would stay alone.

But it was hard to realize he was right. He had lost him. Tony had never made him think there could be something between them but until tonight there was still hope. This woman had destroyed Gibbs’ last hope.

Tony loved her. It was obvious. Gibbs knew him well enough to see it and it hurt…It hurt even more than he had thought it would. When he arrived home, he went right to bed. He knew he would be unable to sleep but he only wanted to stay in the darkness.

He spent his night trying to find a way to face Tony and do as if he didn’t know…as if he had not seen him kiss this woman. He had been stupid to think that one day…maybe… He could not blame Tony. The younger man didn’t know anything about his feeling and would never know about them.
Now, Gibbs had to find a way to go on…find a reason to go to work knowing Tony would never shared anything more with him.

Chapter 2. Last hope…

Gibbs had not slept well. He had spent the night in his basement trying to convince himself he was being stupid. That he should never have thought Tony could have feelings for him.
Hope could be the best and the worst thing. It makes you go on where you have nothing else left but it can bring you down when you loose it.

And Gibbs had lost hope. The only thing he could hope for now was that Tony had not seen him follow him to the restaurant. And if he did see him; that he could understand and forgive him.
Gibbs had no excuses to follow one of his team mates like that and he didn't want to lie to Tony. But he would have no other choice if Tony decided to confront him.

It was impossible for Gibbs to tell Tony the truth about his feelings. Tony would never accept it and Gibbs would loose not only a good agent but also a friend. But what else could he do? He had never been a good liar and Tony knew him too well to believe him.

Gibbs had tried to find a solution all night but nothing had come up to his mind…nothing that could help him deal with his feelings…nothing that could make Tony forgive him for what he had done and for what he was feeling.

He was drinking a coffee when he heard someone knock on his front door. It was still early but he wanted to be at work early this morning so he could clear his mind before Tony's arrival. Someone had decided to make him change his plans.

Gibbs walked to his door his coffee still in his hands. He almost let it fall when he opened the door and saw Tony standing in front of him. The younger man was obviously not happy and Gibbs understood Tony had not driven here so early only to say hello.

Gibbs walked back to his couch waiting for Tony to follow him. He thought it would be better to let Tony talk first but the younger man was only standing in the middle of the living room, looking at him.
Gibbs could tell Tony was angry. It was clear Tony had seen him the night before. It would make things worse to pretend not to know why Tony was here.

-You could not accept it and for once, trust me when I said I would not let anything prevent me from doing my job… you had to follow me and see it by yourself…

Tony was trying to stay calm but Gibbs could see it would not last if he kept saying nothing. Apologizing would not be a good idea; he knew Tony would not accept it. He wanted explanations…explanations Gibbs didn't want to give him.

-What are you waiting for, Tony?
-Don't play that game with me, Boss. You know exactly what I want. I have the right to know why you followed me… why you don't trust me.
-I trust you, Tony.
-So why did you follow me? Why did you need to know who I was spending the night with? You had never been interested in my personal life before…What did make you change your mind?

Gibbs was looking at his hands. He could not face Tony because he knew the younger man would see the truth in his eyes. Gibbs had always been able to hide his true feelings easily. He had done it with the women he had met in the last years. He had even done it with his wife. But it was different with Tony.

-I see… I won't have answers. I guess it only leaves me with one solution. I can't work with you anymore if you don't trust me…
-Please, don't do that, Tony…

Gibbs didn't want to plea. He had never done that with anyone before. But he could not let Tony go away from him. Thinking that he could never see him or work with him again was unbearable. He had to find a way to make him stay… the truth…Tony wanted to hear the truth…

-Give me a good reason not to do it, Boss. Tell me why I should not leave…

Gibbs remained silent for a long moment before standing up and facing Tony. It was so hard for Gibbs to be so close to him and feel him so distant at the same time. He would have given anything to see some kind of understanding in Tony's eyes. But there was nothing there…except confusion.

-Because I need you…
-I'm sure you will find another agent to work with…
-I'm not talking about the job, Tony.
-What are you talking about then?

Gibbs could not blame Tony not to understand what he really meant. He could still see the confusion in the younger man's eyes. He would have liked to touch him, to place his hand on Tony's cheek. He would have liked to tell him he had nothing to be scared of…

-I'm talking about me…I need you, Tony.
-You mean…?
-Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

Tony walked away from him as if he had been punched. Gibbs feared he could just leave him here and go away but Tony didn't leave the room. Gibbs knew he had to say something but he also knew no matter what he would say he had lost Tony. The younger man would never forgive him.

-I should not have followed you but I needed to know what you were trying to hide for so long. I was worried you could have problems you didn't want to talk about.

Tony turned back to face Gibbs and what the older man saw in his eyes made his heart miss a beat. Tony was angry at him but more than that there was disgust and pain in those hazel eyes.

-You thought I had …problems?
-I told you… I was only worried, Tony.
-I had no problems, Gibbs. But now I have one big problem. You can't mean what I think you mean…it's not possible…

Gibbs knew he had nothing to loose now. Tony would never accept the truth and he had already lost a friend. But if he didn't tell him the truth he would loose himself. It was clear for Gibbs now that he could not keep his feelings hidden.

-Why that, Tony? You think a man like me can't have true feelings for a man like you?
-No…Yes.
-I'm sorry if I shocked you, Tony but it's the truth. I followed you yesterday because I needed to know what was bothering you. You seemed distant and I could not stand knowing I was loosing you and do nothing about it.
-Loosing me…?

Tony walked closer to him and Gibbs could now feel the anger the younger man was trying to control. Gibbs would never have thought it would go so bad.

-Yes, Tony. I know you don't have those kinds of feelings for me and I won't do anything that could make you unease. But you wanted the truth…

Gibbs would have preferred Tony to hit him or yell at him but the younger man only laughed. This laugh broke Gibbs' heart.

-I'm not ashamed of what I feel for you…
-You should, Boss.
-I'm not, Tony. I love you and I don't see anything wrong with it.
-Don't say that, Gibbs. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to see you or work with you ever again.

Tony was now so close to Gibbs that the older man could feel the warmth of his breath on his face.
-I see. I thought you would understand…
-Understand what, Gibbs? That you're sick? Believe me I understood that very well.

Gibbs didn't want to show Tony how much he had hurt him.
-I think you'd better go now.
-That's exactly what I'm going to do. I thought I knew you, Boss. But I was wrong. I can't put in words what I think for now…
-You don't need to, Tony. It's perfectly clear. Your eyes never lied.
-But yours did…

Gibbs closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Tony leave him. He let a tear go down his cheek when he heard the door close. He knew now that he would not be able to go to work today. For the first time in his life, he knew he could not find peace in his job. He had lost his last hope.

Chapter 3. Explanations…

Tony had left Gibbs' house as if there was someone running after him. He needed to think but Gibbs' words were still ringing in his ears… "I love you, Tony". It could not be true. Gibbs had not said those words. But what disturbed Tony the most was the way he had himself reacted to Gibbs' words.

He had gay friends and it had never bothered him. So why had he felt in danger when Gibbs had told him about his feelings. Because that's really how he had felt… as if there was a threat hidden somewhere. Even now, alone in the streets, he could still feel this fear. What was wrong with him?

He had hurt his Boss, his friend…someone he had always trusted. It was as if someone else had spoken through his mouth. He had no control on his emotions. He had to flee away from Gibbs, he had to make him understand there was no way he could have the same feelings for him.

But it was not true. Tony was well aware of the way Gibbs was looking at him. And to be honest, he had sometimes searched for this look, waited for his Boss to slap him behind his head. Tony had thought at first he was seeing in Gibbs the father he had only wished for.

His father was not the kind of father a child can dream of. Saying that his father was not a good man would be far from the truth. But Tony had learnt to live without the love of his father. Tony could still remember the day he had told his father he wanted to live his life ad that he didn't need him anymore.

Why was he thinking about his father now? He was walking in the empty streets for half an hour. He didn't really know where he was going to. He needed to clear his mind and he was thinking about his father. The old man had nothing to do with what Gibbs had told him… His father would have been more than shocked to hear a man like Gibbs say those words to another man.

Tony almost laughed at this thoughts but no sound came out of his mouth. He was standing in the middle of the street, frozen. He didn't know where this feeling came from but he knew now his father had done something…something that had made him hurt Gibbs. Not because he was disturbed by the feelings the older man had for him but because he had to protect him.

This time, Tony laughed. He had tried to protect Gibbs. As if the older man was the kind of man who needed to be protected. Tony had so many questions he could not answer that his head was pounding.

He looked around him. He didn't know where he was. He had walked without any goal for half an hour and now he didn't know what to do. He needed to talk to someone, to find some help. He needed to understand why he was feeling so bad…why he was so scared.

He could not remember the last time he had felt so terrified but he knew he had already felt like that. He could not control the fear, the anger. He had tried to protect Gibbs but now he felt like he was the one who needed protection. And he didn't know where to find it.

He could not go to Jeanne and try to explain her about what had just happened. She would understand and she would probably try to help him. But Tony didn't want her help. He had feelings for her but he was unable to tell her exactly what he was feeling. He was not even able to show her what she meant to him. He had tried many times to talk to her but the words had remained stuck in his throat.

One name came to his mind. He was always s thinking about the same person when he needed help. But he was not sure it was a good idea. Gibbs had always been here for him but after what he had done to him Tony could not go back to his house and ask for help.

He was an adult and he could not stay here all day, afraid of something he didn't even understand. He had learnt with his problems alone and he could do that again today. He only had to find his car and go to work like every day…doing as if nothing had happened. He realized he would need more than words to undo what had been done.

He had made a lot of mistakes in his life but this one was a big one. He knew Gibbs would not let him work with him now. Tony loved his job and now he had to think about doing something or to work with another team. It was weird but that was not what was scaring him the most.

There was something inside him, telling him there were things more dangerous waiting for him and for Gibbs. Suddenly it hit him…Gibbs was in danger.
He could not tell how he knew that and why he was thinking that. But the feeling was here.

He had to do something to help Gibbs. He ran to Gibbs' house. He knew the older man never closed his door so it would not be a problem to enter the house. He didn't know what he would find once there. His mind was creating many scenarios but he didn't want to think about the worst. Nothing of that was rational. But Tony could not control his fear. Something was about to happen and he could not stay away and do nothing.

He stopped in front of Gibbs' house. Nothing seemed to have moved since he had left the house. Gibbs' car was still here. The door was not closed but Tony hesitated before trying to open it.

Images were coming to his mind…he could see a room, man and a young boy. He could not see their faces; he could not hear their voices. There was another boy in the room. Tony didn't understand why he was remembering this now. He was sure it was an old memory. One of the young boys was himself.
He tried to erase those images from his mind but it seemed so real. It was as if he was lost in his memory. He could not move or do anything.

Gibbs must have heard him because the older man opened the door facing Tony. The younger man didn't move. He didn't see Gibbs walking to him. He didn't hear his Boss ask him if he was ok. He was stuck in a dark room fearing for his life and the life of another boy he was not even sure to know.


Gibbs had stayed for long minutes on his couch after Tony had left his house. He didn't know what to do now. He had thought that the truth was the only solution to make Tony understand what he had done.
His coffee was now cold and he was about to go to the kitchen to take another cup when he heard some noise outside. He had had enough emotions for this morning and he didn't want to be bothered now. He walked to the door and opened it.

Once again he found Tony standing in front of him. But something had changed. Tony didn't move when he approached him. Gibbs could see the fear in his eyes but the younger man was not afraid of him. Gibbs was sure Tony could not even see him.

Gibbs placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and tried to make him come inside. The younger man followed him but it was obvious he was not aware of where he was or who was next to him.

-Tony! Can you hear me?
Tony blinked as if he was trying to wake up from a nightmare. Gibbs didn't know what to do to bring him back to the present. The older man didn't know what Tony was thinking about but it was obvious it was not a pleasant memory. Tony face was tensed.

-Tony, you have to come back. Do you hear me?
Gibbs was about to use his Boss' voice. It had always worked on Tony. He could wake him up without yelling or shaking him. But he stopped when he saw tears in Tony's eyes.

What could make him feel so bad? Tony had hurt him badly but Gibbs could not let him suffer like that.
-Tony! Come back to me!
Gibbs was holding Tony by the shoulder shaking him. Gibbs didn't want to hit Tony but he could not see any other way to bring him back.

-I hope you will forgive me, Tony.
Gibbs was sure that he felt more pain than Tony when he slapped him. But it worked. Tony blinked once more before looking at Gibbs.
-Boss?
-What happened, Tony?

Tony looked away trying to hide his emotions. The younger man was obviously shaken by what had just happened. Gibbs didn't want to rush things but Tony needed to talk about it. Gibbs had lived those kinds of events after his daughter and wife's death and he knew that keeping things inside could make things worse.

-Tony, talk to me, please. What happened?
Tony's voice was only a whisper when he talked but there was so much pain in the words he said that Gibbs froze.

-I killed him, Boss.

Chapter 4.

Gibbs was not sure to know what to answer to Tony. The younger man had only said those four words as if it could explain what had just happened. Tony had stopped crying and seemed calmer now.

-Maybe we should begin with the beginning. Why have you come back here?
-I needed to protect you.

Tony thought Gibbs would laugh at him hearing him say that but the older man looked at him visibly concerned.
-From what did you want to protect me, Tony?
-Him.

It was beginning to really bother Gibbs not to understand a single word of what Tony was talking about. Ari was dead. Of course, there were many threats for Special Agent but Gibbs could not see who "him" could be. And the younger man didn't seem ready to give him more explanations. If Tony had been a suspect Gibbs would have ask more questions but he was aware that Tony needed time. And after what had happened only an hour ago, Gibbs didn't want to push Tony too far, too fast.

Gibbs stood up and walked to his kitchen. He came back with two steaming cups of coffee. He knew exactly how Tony took his coffee. He put the cup in Tony's hands. The younger man shivered when he felt Gibbs' hands touch his.

-Sorry, Tony.
Tony looked up at Gibbs. The fear and the anger were gone. The only feeling remaining Tony's eyes was sadness. Gibbs would have liked to hold him and tell him that everything was ok. But Tony had made it clear that he would never accept something like that from him. Tony needed a friend and that's exactly what Gibbs would be for him.

-Please, don't be sorry, Boss. I wish I could find the words to tell you how sorry I am. But no matter what I could say…I have no excuses… I hurt you…I just hope that with time you will forgive me.

Gibbs was about to answer something but no words could have explained what he had felt and he didn't want to hurt Tony. He knew that revenge was not something that could give you the peace you need when you've been hurt. And the last thing he wanted was to hurt the man he loved.

-So you came back here because you thought I was in danger?
-I don't know where this feeling came from but I knew I had to find you.
-Does it have something to do with the person you think you killed?

Gibbs realized he had asked the right question when Tony looked away trying to hide once again.
-Tony, I can't help you if you don't talk to me. I need more than two or three words to understand what's happening.
-You can't help me, Boss.

Tony had said those words in a whisper but Gibbs knew it was the truth…at least it was Tony's truth. The younger man was sure Gibbs could not help him.

-You're right, Tony. I can't help you if you don't let me.
Gibbs stood up. He didn't want to leave Tony alone when he needed him but Tony had to ask for his help. The younger man had to realize there was someone here willing to help him.
Tony stood too and walked to the front door.

-I'm sorry, Boss. I should not have come back here. I will see you at the office.
Gibbs knew that if he let Tony go like that they would never talk about what had happened. And Tony would keep everything for himself. Gibbs could not let him flee. Without looking at him Gibbs asked the question he had been about to ask earlier.

-Who have you killed, Tony?
Tony stopped walking but he didn't turn back. Gibbs could hear him breath heavily. He could almost see the fight in Tony's mind. The younger man was searching words to explain something that could not be explained.

-His name was Eric. He was seventeen.
That was better than nothing. But it was not enough for Gibbs to understand why Tony had thought about it.
-When did it happen?
-Twenty years ago.

Gibbs was now confused. He had thought Tony was talking about something that had happened when Tony was a cop. He had made an investigation before hiring but sometimes things could be well hidden.

-But you were only fifteen…?
-It does change anything to what happened.
-You're right. You want to tell me what happened to Eric?
-No…but you won't let me go if I don't give you an explanation…
-You are free to go, Tony.

For the first time today, Tony smiled…a true and warm smile. The younger man walked back to the couch and sit still looking at Gibbs.
-You know what I did when I left this house an hour ago? I walked…I thought I had to go away from you because you were a threat for me… But I was wrong.
-I won't do anything, Tony…
-Can you let me finish, Boss?

It was obviously hard for Tony to say what he was about to say.
-I promise I will try not to interrupt you again, Tony.
-Thanks, Boss. I thought you were a threat for me and that I had to put distance between us before you hurt me. But it was the contrary.

Gibbs didn't want to say anything but he was not sure to understand what Tony really meant. The younger man was confusing him and he didn't like that.
-The contrary…? You left because you thought you were a threat for me.
-Not me…him…I was not aware of who it was and why I felt like that. But I knew something wrong would happen to you if I said here.

Tony story was not very clear but Gibbs was beginning to see today's events under a new light. But he was not sure to see the link with the death of a seventeen year-old boy twenty years ago.
Tony was now quiet and he didn't seem ready to say more about it. Gibbs placed a hand on his shoulder. He was not sure it was the best thing to do now but Tony needed to know he was not alone.

The younger man looked at him and what happened let Gibbs unable to move or say anything. Tony let his head rest on Gibbs' shoulder closing his eyes. Gibbs had dreamt of this moment so many times that he could not believe he was really living it.

Tony was in his arms and even if it was nothing more than a friend comforting another friend; it was much more than Gibbs could have expected only an hour ago. Gibbs closed his eyes savouring the moment. He could feel Tony's breath on his neck. Tony was crying and he tried to push Gibbs away. But the older man didn't let him go.

-You're not alone, Tony.
Tony pushed him harder. It was like he was trying to get free.
-You're wrong, Boss. I've always been alone. And nothing will change that. He wanted to be sure I would never be happy…He wanted to destroy me and he succeeded… He broke the only thing that was pure in my life…

Tony was now sitting on the other side corner of the couch as if he was once again try to put distance between them.

-Who are you talking about, Tony? Talk to me. Let me help you. Who did that to you?
-My father…
-It's him you wanted to protect me from?

Tony didn't answer. He didn't need to. Gibbs didn't know what had happened twenty years ago but he was now sure Tony had not killed Eric. He also knew Tony would not answer any more questions.

He stood up and called director Sheppard. He told her Tony would not come to work today and that he had to stay with him. She had probably a dozen of questions to ask him but she knew better than to do it on the phone. Gibbs knew he would have to give her more explanations but it could wait. Tony needed him and that was the only thing that mattered to him.

Chapter 5.

Tony had fallen asleep on the couch. Gibbs was waiting for him to wake up. Tony had never talked a lot about his family or his childhood but Gibbs was beginning to understand why Tony had not shared with anyone this part of his life.

Gibbs was thinking of things could change in only a few hours. He had thought he had lost Tony for good. It had been hard to hear him say he didn't want to see him ever again. And now, the younger was here, asleep on his couch. Tony had shared more with him in the last hour than he had in the last three years. Maybe something good would come out of this day.

It was almost 10 a.m when Tony opened his eyes. Gibbs smiled at the sight of the younger man trying to stretch without falling from the couch.
-Have you slept well?
Tony was obviously not aware that he was not alone because he almost fell on the floor when he heard Gibbs' voice.

-Take it easy, Tony. You're not in your bed.
-I figured when I heard your voice, Boss.
Gibbs would have liked to add something to what Tony had just said. But it was probably not the right moment to tell him he had dreamt many times about hearing Tony's voice when he wakes up. Tony looked at Gibbs visibly waiting for a reply. Gibbs only smiled. Tony could feel the warmth of this smile. He had not seen Gibbs smiled like that so often.

-What time is it?
-Almost 10 a.m…
Tony stood up searching for his jacket.
-I was supposed to be at work hours ago…
-I called to tell Director Sheppard you would not go to work today.
-You did what?

Gibbs could not tell if Tony was relieved or angry by the news. Tony sat back on the couch putting his head in his hands.
-What's wrong, Tony?
-Nothing. I just had forgotten for a minute what had happened in the last hours. I should go back to work…
-I think we need to talk before you go back to work.
-Don't worry, Gibbs you won't have to fire me. I'm going to talk with Director Sheppard.

Gibbs sat next to Tony and placed a hand on his knee. He had done that without really thinking about what he was doing. He suddenly realized it could bother Tony to feel so close to him and tried to take his hand away. But before he could do it Tony placed his own hand on Gibbs'.
-You really think that I want to fire you?
-I don't see how you could work with me after what I said…

Gibbs sighed. He could not think clearly when Tony was looking at him like that.
-I'm sorry, Boss.
-You already said that Tony. I don't want you to feel sorry. I want to understand why you said that… why you felt you had to protect me.
-I can't, Boss. I've never talked about it with anyone.
-Maybe it's high time you talked about it, Tony.

Gibbs could see that Tony was fighting to find a way to begin his story as he was searching a way to make it less difficult for him. Gibbs wished he could have helped but he knew Tony needed to do it alone. He had buried this secret deep inside and he had now to let it out.
After a long minute, Tony finally began to talk about the nightmare he had lived twenty years ago. Tony was not really talking to him but Gibbs could feel him tighten his hold on his hand. Gibbs was happy that he could give him some comfort even if it was not much.

-I was fourteen when I met Eric. My father had a lot of money but I didn't really like the kids he wanted me to be friend with. Eric was different. He was older and had already left school. I don't know what he was doing for a living. I didn't even know where he was living. He had told me he was living somewhere alone…

Tony remained silent for a moment. Gibbs could see he was lost in good memories. Eric must have been someone special for him. He let Tony dream for a minute.

-How did you meet him?
-He followed me one day while I was walking back home. He tried to steal my school bag.
-And you didn't let him do that?
-I ran after him and caught him. When I faced him he smiled and said "Not bad".

Tony smiled at that thought. It was good to see him smile even if it was a sad smile. Gibbs could have lost himself in Tony's eyes.

-We talked a little. The next day he was waiting for me when I left school. It became like a ritual for us. I didn't talk a lot about himself but he listened to me. He was the first person I felt safe with. It may sound weird but he was the only friend I had. At the end of the school year he told me he didn't want to wait until next year to see me again. I was supposed to go away for the summer but I could not spend the entire summer without seeing him. I found a way to stay.

Tony frowned while he was saying that and Gibbs thought about what he had to do to stay with his friend. A father would never have left his son alone an entire summer without a good reason. Tony answered his question before he could ask him.

-I failed my final tests and father decided it would be better for me to stay home to work. When he told me that I had to pretend to be sad and disappointed but he had never given me a more beautiful gift. A teacher was coming home every morning, trying to teach me things I already knew but every afternoon I could meet Eric in the park. It was a good summer. I wish I could have fled with him and never come back to this house. I had everything a kid could wish for except my father's love…

Gibbs could hear the words Tony was not saying. Eric had given him what he missed so much. He had showed him what it could be to have someone you can rely on. He had been like a brother for Tony…Maybe more than that.

-We were friends and I thought nothing could change that. I was so happy when I was with him. I didn't need anything more. At least I thought he could not give me more than his friendship…but I was wrong.
-What happened?
-One afternoon, I was early for our daily meeting. I saw him in a car with a man. I didn't understand at first what he was doing in this car. But then I saw the man give him money. I was only fifteen but I was not naïve. It became clear that Eric was not in this car not talk with this guy.

Tony closed his eyes. Thinking about this day was hard for him but it had also been the best day of his life. Gibbs was aware of Tony's confusion. Even today the younger man was not able to understand the emotions he had felt this day. He was still young and he had seen his best friend being paid for something he couldn't even imagine.

-When I asked him what he was doing with this man he didn't try to lie. He told me he was doing that for two years. I was feeling so angry that I could not say a word. We were walking in a desert part of the park. When he stopped walking I looked at him. It was the first time I saw him cry. I asked him why he was doing that…why he was taking those kinds of risks…It was not worth it…He deserved better than that.
-What did he say?
-He didn't say anything. I had no idea of what it was to live alone in the streets when you are only seventeen. I could not imagine what his life was made of. He placed a hand on my cheek and looked me in the eyes. I can still hear him. No one had ever told me what he said this day. No one told me those words again…until today…

Gibbs' heart missed a beat when he realized what Tony's words really meant.
-What did he say?
-"They are nothing for me…You're the only one I love". I believe him. He had never lied to me…He was the only person I trusted.
-You had no reason not to trust him, Tony. What were you feeling for him?
-I needed him…I loved him as a friend…as a brother. But when he kissed me I realized I had waited for that kiss for months. I know what people think…when you're only fifteen you don't know what love is. But this day Eric showed me what it meant to be loved. I had never felt something like that.

Tony went on telling Gibbs how they had spent the entire summer meeting secretly every afternoon in the park until the day Tony invited Eric at his house. There was no one at home. The woman who was supposed to look after him had left for the afternoon. Gibbs guessed what Tony was not saying.

-When I went back to school we went on with our ritual. But it was not enough. I needed more than that and I think he needed more too. One night he climbed the wall to see me. We spent the night together. I knew it was crazy and if my father saw him here it would not be good at all.

Gibbs could feel Tony's hand tremble. He had now an idea of what might have happened. He had not learnt much about Tony's family during his investigation. He only knew that Tony had not seen his father since he was eighteen.
Tony was looking at the wall in front of him. Gibbs wished he could have told him not to think about it. He wanted to tell him everything would be ok, that he would help him forgetting about what had happened. Tony spoke before he could say anything.

-One night, my father surprised us. I had never seen him so angry. I thought he was going to throw Eric out of the house or try to call his parents. But when he came closer, I saw he had drunk a lot. I tried to talk to him, to tell him it was my fault…that I had asked Eric to come here. But he didn't listen to me…He didn't even try to understand… He…

Tony's voice broke. He could not talk anymore. The emotions he had tried to control for so long had overwhelmed him. The last barriers Tony had build broke suddenly and Gibbs took him in his arms. The older man let him cry on his shoulder trying to say reassuring words, rubbing his back.

They stayed like that for long minutes before Tony could say a word.
-I'm sorry, Boss.
Gibbs didn't say anything. He could have told him there was nothing to feel sorry about but he knew Tony would not believe him. He could have said that was what friends do for each other. But words could not describe what he was feeling right now.

Probably for the first time in his life Gibbs let his heart show him the way. He put a hand on Tony's cheek like he had done only hours ago. But this time there was no fear in Tony's eyes. The younger man didn't try to go away…he didn't move when Gibbs closed the gap between them and kissed him.

Chapter 6.

It was not a passionate kiss but Tony could feel Gibbs' love in that kiss. He had thought he would never feel that kind of love again. Eric had been the only person he had really trusted. And today, Gibbs was willing to give it back to him. His boss was showing him there was still hope…that his father had not destroyed everything in him.

Suddenly, Tony pushed Gibbs away. The older man almost fell from the couch. Tony was breathing heavily trying to keep some control on the emotions that were overwhelming him.

-What's wrong, Tony? Did I do something wrong?
The only answer Tony could give him was a moan. The younger man closed his eyes trying to calm down.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I should not have done that. I thought…you seemed ok with it…

Tony opened his eyes again and looked directly at Gibbs.
-You did nothing wrong, Boss. It's just…I mean…
-Has it something to do with what happened to Eric? You didn't tell me what your father did when he found you two in your bedroom.

Tony sighed and lowered his eyes looking again at his hands. Gibbs didn't need to hear the entire story to understand what had happened. But he knew that Tony needed to talk about it. He had kept those events for himself for years and it was high time he put down his burden.

-My father was drunk. I'm not sure it would have changed anything if he had not drunk. Maybe he would have heard Eric pleading him to stop. He would have realized that the blood he had on his hands was coming from the seventeen year-old boy he was beating. I tried to stop him, to yell at him…telling him Eric was my friend and that if he wanted to beat someone he should do that to me…

Tony stopped talking and Gibbs took his right hand in his. He only wanted Tony to know he was not alone. He could not imagine what it had been for Tony to see his lover being beaten by his father.

-He didn't stop…Eric was not moving anymore when I came close enough to take him in my arms. My father finally realized I was here. He didn't say anything. I was crying trying to wake up Eric…I wanted him to open his blue eyes and look at me…I wanted to see him smile…I wanted to hear him tell me everything would be ok…

Tony was now crying freely letting the pain he had kept inside go. Gibbs was happy Tony had trusted him enough to tell him one of the worst moments of his life but it was hard to see Tony suffer like that.

-I don't know how long I stayed on the floor of my bedroom talking to Eric. My father had left my bedroom…He was probably asleep somewhere in the house. It was still dark when he came back. I didn't understand at first what he wanted…He was talking to me but I could not hear him…The only thing I wanted to hear was Eric's voice…but I would never hear him again…I had killed him.

Gibbs came closer. His voice was strong and tender when he talked.
-Your father killed Eric. Nothing of what happened is your fault Tony. You were only fifteen and you loved him…
-You're wrong Gibbs. I asked Eric to come…I knew my father would be angry if he found him there…but I needed him so much. If I had not asked him to come he would still probably be alive. He would not have finished his life in the dark alley where my father left him. He would not have died alone…He was only seventeen…He didn't deserve to die like that…

Gibbs would have liked to find the right words…to convince Tony there was nothing he could have done to save Eric. But he knew Tony would not believe him. The younger man was feeling guilty for Eric's death and Gibbs could understand this feeling. He had blamed himself for years for his daughter and wife's death.

He had created thousands of scenarios where he found a way to save them. He had dreamt many times that he was able to go back in the past and hold his daughter one more time. So yes he knew what Tony was feeling right now and he also knew nothing would make him feel less guilty.

-You're right; Tony. He didn't deserve that… No one deserves to die like that. But you didn't kill him…Your father did. He also killed a part of you this night. After what happened with Eric you closed your heart and never let yourself feel love again…Have you ever said "I love you" to someone after Eric?

Tony seemed to think for a moment. He didn't need much time to answer but what Gibbs had just said had touched him. He had never made the link between what had happened with Eric and the fact he was unable to say those words. He had tried to forget those events so hard that he had lived for years as if nothing had happened.

-No…Eric is the only one who heard me say those words. He is the only one who said them to me…at least he was, before today.
-That's why you reacted this way when I told you about my feelings for you?
-Not really. I was…scared.
Tony took a deep breath before going on.
-The last time I had felt so close to someone…He died in my arms. I could not let this happen to you.

Gibbs was now feeling a little confused by Tony's words. Only a few hours ago, he had left his house telling him he should be ashamed to have such feelings. And now Tony was almost telling him he had done that because he was scared to loose him.

-I know it's not very rational, Gibbs. But when you put your hand on my cheek I realized I had already lived this moment years ago. It was feeling good at first but then I remembered how it ended. I could not control this fear, Boss. I could not loose you like I had lost Eric.
-So you left…?

Tony looked up at Gibbs and the older man saw in his eyes what he was feeling before Tony could say a word. Tony's eyes could not lie to someone who knew him as good as Gibbs.
-I didn't only need to leave…I had to hurt you…to keep you away from me. I was not really aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it. But I knew I had to protect you…
-But your father could not hurt me…
Tony didn't hear Gibbs say those words.
-I could not loose you because of him…I could not let him kill someone I loved one more time…

Tony didn't realize what he had just said. He had let the words go out of his mouth without thinking…For the first time in his life he had put down the mask and let someone see whom he really was. Gibbs was so surprised that he could not move…he didn't even dare breathing…He was scared to wake up once again and realize it was only a dream.

-Boss…? Are you ok?
Tony's voice brought him back to the present and for a minute Gibbs thought he had not heard Tony well. The younger man was smiling at him, his eyes still wet. Gibbs could have stayed like that for hours…saying nothing…only looking at Tony's warm smile…at Tony's eyes. He could have spent the rest of his life holding Tony's hand.

-I'm ok, Tony. I was just surprised by your words…after what happened this morning…
-Nothing of what I said this morning was true.
-I know that now, Tony. But it was so hard to hear you say what you said…I knew you would never have those kinds of feelings for me but I thought that, at least, you would understand and forgive me…

Tony took Gibbs hands in his and placed them on his chest.
-I hope that you will forgive me, Gibbs. I know nothing could erase what I said and did but maybe…
Gibbs could feel Tony's heart under his palm. The younger man's heart was beating fast.
-Maybe with time, you will forgive me…And give me another chance.

There was so much hope in Tony's voice that Gibbs almost put his rams around Tony's shoulders and kissed him. But he wanted to savour this moment…the special moment when you realize your dearest dream is about to come true. He wanted to engraved those minutes in his memory so he could still remember them when he is too old to remember anything else. Gibbs eyes didn't leave Tony's eyes. They stayed a long moment like that…the only sound in the room was their hearts beating at the same rhythm. It was almost too good to be true.

Tony was beginning to worry. He had hoped that Gibbs would forgive him. He didn't know for how long he had feelings for Gibbs but it was obvious to him that it was so much more than friendship or respect. When Gibbs had told him he loved his first thought had been that he had finally found his true love. The fear had overwhelmed him not long after and he had made what would probably be the biggest mistake of his life.

Gibbs was obviously not ready to forgive him. The older man was looking at him and he was unable to guess what he was thinking. Tony released Gibbs' hands. He would not plea him…He would not ask once more for forgiveness. He knew Gibbs would not accept that. Tony was about to stand up when he felt Gibbs' hand on his knee.

-Do you really want me to give you another chance? You need to be sure, Tony. I don't want you to feel obliged to do it…I don't want you to do it out of guilt…
-I won't lie to you, Jethro. I'm not sure of many things right now. But I know I've not felt like that for years. I've never felt so close to someone…I've never been so scared when I realized I could loose you…
-I love you, Tony… and nothing will change that but I need you to be sure of what you feel. It would be too hard to loose you… again…Take the time you need to clear your mind and decide what you want to do.
-Please, Jethro… Don't leave me…Don't push me away…

Tony sounded so lost that Gibbs could not resist and took him in his arms. He placed a hand in Tony's hair and placed the younger man's head on his chest.
-I'm here, Tony. I won't push you away. I will never leave you as long as you want me at your side. I love you so much.

Tony closed his eyes.
He knew he had found his true love…
He realized deep inside he was where he belonged….He could feel Gibbs' love.

-I forgive you, Tony. My love is strong enough to forgive anything.
Tony's ears recognized Gibbs' voice but his heart could hear Eric's voice telling him the same thing. He had found peace…He knew that Eric would not have blamed him for what happened because he loved him. He realized that love was worth fighting for and that he had the right to love and be loved in return.

The shadows of the past left his heart when he said the words he had kept inside for so long.

-I love you, Jethro.