Chapter 1: Kate
When Ziva woke up, she not immediately knew where she was. It was dark around her, and she was not lying, but sitting, and she rested on what seemed to be a desktop, a hard and plain surface.
She was about to rise her head and look around, but something … she re-mained motionless, listening hard. There was no sound, yet she sensed something – or somebody – being in the room with her: An enemy? Who else would sit in pitch black, maybe only waiting for her to awake and move? Slowly and silently she reached for her gun, but it wasn't where it should have been, and the same was true, as she realized, for that one she used to carry at her right ankle and for her knife … somebody had disarmed her.
She bit her lip, tense and angry with herself. How had she ended up in such a strange situa-tion? She didn't know where she was, how she had got here, and trying to remember she realized that her memory was strangely foggy … what was the last thing she remembered before she had woken up here? She just couldn't tell! But it was not the time to ponder rid-dles, now she had to act, doing nothing always was the wrong choice.
Suddenly a small lamp was switched on, illuminating a desktop next to her, and a calm and friendly voice said: "About time you wake up, Ziva."
There was no threat in this voice, not even hidden – the former Mossad officer was used to recognize things like that. She relied on her instincts and, casting a quick glance round, sat up to look at the woman opposite to her. She was the only other person in this room, which now had been revealed to be the bullpen at NCIS HQ. In fact Ziva was sitting behind her own desk – and the other woman sat behind one, which had long since left unused, one desk, she had not been allowed to use when she had joined the team, despite the fact what its rightful owner would never need it again, would never come back. Somebody was sitting be-hind Kate's desk, watching her out of the shadows.
Ziva felt anger rising inside her. She had never known Caitlin Todd, since she had joined the team after (and because) Ari had killed the agent, but her team-mates often talked about her, especially Abby and Tony. She had come to understand, as time had gone by, why Gibbs had forbidden her to use Kate's desk, and now somebody was just sitting there, somebody who did not even belong to the team. "Identify yourself!" she ordered sharply.
There was a small noise in the dark, like someone chuckling, then the lamp was turned to cast its light on the other woman's face. "Special Agent Caitlin Todd, NCIS."
Ziva stared. She recognized her all right, having seen her on various photographs: In Abby's lab, on Tony's screensaver … McGee carried one in his purse and had gone to an impressive shade of purple when she had noticed it, and even Gibbs … But it could not be her nevertheless: She was dead, shot straight through the head by Ari to torment Gibbs, and so she had had no other choice than to kill her brother – not because of Kate; she had done it to save Gibbs' life, but she knew that for him her deed had always also had the meaning of revenging Kate.
Gibbs was the only person who knew that she had shot Ari; for her safety the official report had stated him responsible, so the Hamas wouldn't come after her. Here in the US the was quite save, but when one day she might go back to Israel, things would be differ-ent. Gibbs had covered her up, like she had backed him up that night in his basement, when Ari had waited for him. Ari, who had been absolutely convinced that Gibbs would never trust her – and who had been wrong.
"Bullshit!" With one fluent movement Ziva was on her feet and diving for Gibbs' desk – he always kept a gun in its drawer, loaded and ready, and maybe … Bad luck! Whoever the woman was, she had done her work properly: The drawer was empty.
The woman pretending to be Kate Todd had in no way reacted to her attempt, she just leaned back, smiling. "Please relax, Ziva. I'm really Kate Todd – and I don't intend to harm you."
"Would like to see you try", Ziva said between gritted teeth and leaned against Gibbs' desk in what she hoped to seem a casual way. True, the other had made no attempt to attack her yet, but what was not the reason for her to temporarily playing along with her. Obviously her opponent had foreseen her reactions and taken precautions against them, so the best she could do was to wait, gain any information possible and take the first opportunity to eliminate the intruder – or just put her out of action. "So", she asked businesslike, "you claim to be Kate Todd."
The woman only nodded, smiling.
"What is complete nonsense, because she's dead."
The woman nodded again. "I know, better than anyone. Your brother got me right in the mid-dle of my forehead. And then he went for Abby, for Director Sheppard … tried to kill the women around Gibbs to cause him maximum pain before finally killing him. But you stopped him, you saved Gibbs – and the others. And I want to thank you for that, Ziva!"
The Israeli was shocked. Nobody knew that she had killed Ari, nobody knew he had been her brother, nobody but Gibbs, who would never have told it anyone. Even Jen was oblivious to both these facts … and still there the woman sat and casually mentioned it, thanking her for having revenged her death? It was absurd, it was impossible, and suddenly she felt the urge to slap herself round the head like Gibbs would have done had he known her even for a split of a second considering such an ridiculous possibility.
But … she knew that face, having looked at it countless times, having even seen it in her dreams, haunting her, and she knew that voice. She had watched videos of interrogations, and once she had by accident listened to one of the sound files Abby kept on her computer: Her and Kate giggling like little girls about some joke they had played to Tony using Abby's equipment … on that occasion she had been really relieved that she had managed to get out of the lab without Abby noticing her, but she had never forgotten the shaking shoulders and silent sobs of the forensic-specialist.
She knew, a part of her, what it was Kate sitting there – and she knew that it was absolutely impossible. Ziva shook her head in confusion. "But …" She didn't know how to voice the mess of thoughts and feelings in her head, and in this case it had nothing to do with the language.
The other woman's – Ziva didn't dare to think of her as "Kate" – smile broadened. "You don't believe me, because you think it's impossible – and on the other hand you want to believe me, right?"
Now it was Ziva's turn to nod.
"Well, the solution is quite simple, but let me ask you a question first: What's the last thing you remember before waking up here with me?"
That was a strange question, Ziva thought, but tried to remember nonetheless. Her memory was still uncertain, pictures kept appearing and disappearing in her mind without any sensi-ble order, blurred images that mingled like sparks and wisps of smoke out of a fire, like a whirl descending to unfathomable depths. A frown appeared on her forehead as she concen-trated harder, tried to force her memory to come back, and then something happened: Slowly first, then quick and quicker the vision cleared, everything seemed to glide back in place, and suddenly Ziva remembered – not each and every detail, but the major line of events.
"There was … we went to an area in the outer districts", she whispered, partly for the other woman to hear, mostly to herself, because she somehow assumed, "Kate" already knew the story. "One of Gibbs' sources had tipped him off that a group of weapons dealers might be found there we were already searching for months. They had somehow smuggled military armoury out of Navy base, weapons, explosives and stuff, and Gibbs suspected a mole in-side the navy, someone helping them." She smiled. "He thought the best way to find ‘the rat', as he put it, was to stir up things a little and just wait and see who would get nervous.
Unfortunately, Commander Barks, in whose department we suspected the leak, wasn't pleased at all. He went to his superior, and this superior, some Admiral Whatshisname, went straight to Jenny – who, such as it was, had no choice but to order Gibbs to handle the whole affaire with care and caution." Ziva shook her head in disbelieve as she remembered the scene. "You should have seen Tony's face! You know Gibbs! However, when the tip came, Gibbs went straight for it – not without backup, though; ten NCIS-Agents were to support us." Re-calling the events, Ziva had closed her eyes – now they snapped open. "It was a trap, an ambush!"
"Yes, it was."
"We entered the fabric building", Ziva continued slowly, her voice barely audible. "Gibbs and I with three agents took the front door, Tony and McGee with three others were to com from behind, the other four had order to prevent anybody from leaving or entering the building. At first everything seemed to be deserted, everything was dark; then we noticed that one room was light, slowly we approached – and suddenly we were under fire!" She paused. "I'm not sure what happened then … two agents fell … Gibbs shot one of the attackers, I think, and I know I got at least one other, but …" Her voice tailed away.
"You did shoot one", the woman confirmed. "You, Gibbs and Agent Smith were in trouble, the weapon-dealers had you cornered, there was no way out, and you knew Tony and McGee would be in a similar situation. It didn't look good, you were outnumbered three to one, and when you realized that you were about to be overpowered, you did what you always do, Ziva: You acted.
You told Gibbs to aim for the light bulbs, and when the light lessened, sneaked out from the barrels you three were hiding behind and made for your enemies. Gibbs, who under his breath called you names I've never heard him use before, covered your advance, and so you managed to get to close-combat range unnoticed. You killed two dealer without their accomplices realising it, and a third one you got with a knife-throw, but he still had time to shout a warning. At this moment, Gibbs an Smith came for your aid, and together you took down the remaining weapons-dealers, although Smith was shot in one leg and Gibbs got one into his left shoulder. When it was over, you were about to leave and go searching for Tony an McGee, because the battle was still going on somewhere – when you noticed one of the dealers you thought to be dead moving and aiming for Gibbs."
The woman sitting behind Kate's desk draw a deep breath. "You did what I have done, Ziva: You protected him with your body."
The Israeli felt the blood leaving her face. Quickly she had to fully sit on Gibbs' desk, fearing her knees to give way. "I'm … dead?" she whispered.
"No, no!" The woman put up a hand and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shock you. No, you're not dead, you're lying in coma. The bullet went right through your vest – cop-killer, they had. You're seriously injured, Ziva, but you're alive, and I'm quite sure", with this, Kate gave her a small wink, "I'm quite sure that you'll fully recover!"
Ziva struggled to understand what she had heard – and what it meant. "So … I'm in coma and you are … I mean, this is … some kind of dream or hallucination?"
"Maybe. But does that matter? You may be hallucinating, dreaming or go through another kind of experience … fact is, you're not really here in the HQ, but lying in a bed at Washing-ton Memorial Hospital – and I'm not here, too. But …"
"But where are you?" Ziva just couldn't suppress the question, but Kate only smiled an wrig-gled a finger. "T t t, Ziva, aren't you Jewish?" The Israeli felt herself blush. "As far as I'm in-formed, the concept of life after death does not exist in Jewish faith – and my information comes from a very reliable source, believe me."
"Alright, alright! I won't ask any more questions about … these things." A little confused she tried to come back to the topic. "What you're saying is that I've no possibility to find out for sure, whether I'm just imagining or dreaming or …" She didn't finish the sentence.
"For sure?" Kate laughed. "No. It all comes down to what you believe – to faith. But as I said before: It doesn't matter."
Suddenly Ziva realized that at some point during the last minutes she had started to think of the brown-haired woman as Kate, had accepted that she was Kate Todd – and it really was completely irrelevant whether all this only happened inside her head or … it just didn't matter.
At this moment the whole room was bathed in light, the ceiling lightning had been switched on. Ziva was blinded for am moment, and when her eyes had adjusted, she for the first time fully saw the woman she had heard so much about. She could see why Tony had been impressed (more impressed than he was by any skirt): Kate was more than pretty, she was beautiful, and Ziva, trained and skilled in judging people, sensed a inner strength that impressed her. She now understood why Kate had been Abby's best friend – their eccentric forensic expert would only accept someone as a friend who had a personality to match her own. And Gibbs reaction …When she had got to know him better, his highly emotional, almost irrational reaction to Kate's death had seemed less and less characteristic to her.
Her team leader always controlled his emotions – always! She had seen him in situations when not only he himself, but also his team and countless other people had been in mortal peril, their living or dying depending on his decisions, to be made in a split of a second – and he always had appeared unimpressed by the pressure, been cold to the heart. She only could remember two occasions, when his control and self-discipline had failed: The grief for his dead wife and daughter when he had awoken from the coma after getting hit by the blast of an explosion – and Kate's death. Why hadn't she realized it before? Gibbs had been …
"Hey!" Kate clapped her hands and Ziva jumped. She had completely forgotten her. "Sorry."
"No problem." Both women exchanged a look an smiled. Then Ziva followed an impulse and held out her hand. "I'm really glad to meet you, Kate."
"So am I, Ziva", answered Kate, took her hand and shook it. Her grip was firm and self-confident, and Ziva returned it the same way. When they both let go, it was kind of an awk-ward moment, as neither of them seemed to know what to say or do now. They remained silent for some seconds, then started to speak at the same time – and instantly fell silent again. "You first", offered Ziva.
Kate nodded, but took her time, as if thinking about the best way to begin. "You don't – hate me any more, do you?"
"I've never hated you, Kate!" Ziva said quickly. "Never! But I …" She also searched for the appropriate words, which was not an easy task. "At the beginning, when I became member of the team, my feelings for you were … complicated. They all missed you terribly, Gibbs would have kicked my out again the very first morning, if Jen hadn't stepped in, an he like everyone else would let me feel that they didn't want me in the team, that in their eyes I was an intruder, was responsible for your death – I had been Ari's control officer after all, I had been convinced of him being innocent and tried my very best to stop Gibbs going after him. I can't blame them, nor could I then."
Ziva's face had gone sad and tired. "Especially Abby gave me a hard time." She sighted. "I mean, Gibbs is bad-tempered even in his best mood, to everyone, but Abby … She was always friendly, trying to comfort Tony and McGee, even to make them smile again sometimes, but to me … she was cold, aggressive, offensive; she called me responsible for your death, treated me like an enemy."
She swallowed hard. "We are getting on better by now, but I'm afraid she still hates me." Kate wanted to interrupt, but Ziva shook her head. "I was angry, Kate, angry an jealous! It was like … they all would have loved to have you back instead of me, you were always there, like a ghost, and I had no chance, I'd always be compared to you …" She draw a deep breath. "Slowly, very slowly, things im-proved. Gibbs trusted me from the beginning, and I one day lost my patience with him and demanded to be treated with respect … I think that in some way impressed him …"
"O yes, it did! No one ever before had dared to stand up to him like that. When you stopped the elevator, you already had won the game, because you played his part in it. And if there's anything that impresses Jethro Gibbs, it's someone standing her ground. – But go on …"
"However, the first one to accept me except Gibbs maybe was McGee – I've no idea why, though, because he really adored you … Did you know he carries your photo in his purse?" she asked. "Of course you know."
Kate smiled. "He told me once I was his super-hero."
Ziva smiled back, but it was a crooked smile, and her eyes remained sad. "Ducky of course is nice to everybody, his British politeness never fails him, but I think he also came to accept me. Tony played his little games and jokes on me pretty soon, but it took a long time until this was more than just habit, until it meant something … and Abby …" Her voice tailed away.
"I felt guilty!" she suddenly burst out. "And I still feel! If only I had been more on the guard, if I hadn't let Ari fool me! If I had believed in Gibbs' reports, if only I had helped him instead of trying to protect Ari! If only I …" Tears were running down her face, she buried it in her hands. Her whole body trembled, and under her hard sobs her words were barely under-standable. "If I only … I could have saved you, Kate! I could have … I'm so sorry, Kate! For-give me, please forgive me!"
"Shh." Gently Kate laid her arms around the crying woman, trying to comfort her. "There is nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault, nor Gibbs', nor anybody's but Ari's – it all comes down to him. If anybody else was to blame, it would be me." Ziva raised her head and stared at her in disbelieve, but Kate only shrugged. "I could've killed him before, as you well know, but I didn't – I couldn't. His eyes …" She shook her head. "He fooled everyone, Ziva, not just you, and he hoodwinked the Mossad, the FBI and the NCIS – except Gibbs. There is nothing you could have done", she said again, "so stop feeling guilty about my death! I don't blame you – it's time for you to stop blaming yourself!"
Slowly Ziva regained control over her emotions, her guilt and her grief. Wiping her face with a sleeve, she stepped back and intensely looked the other woman in the eyes. "Thank you, Kate", she said in a trembling voice. "This means …" Her throat tightened, her voice failed her. "Thank you!" she whispered hoarsely. And Kate nodded. She completely understood.
Again some time passed in silence, the Kate began: "You said before you feared Abby hated you … I know she doesn't, and I can proof it to you, if you want to."
Despite of being quite sure about Abby's feelings towards her, Ziva was getting curious. "And how would you do that?"
Kate winked at her – and suddenly all the TV screens in the bullpen sprang to life, while the light was dimmed. They showed a room, evidently in a hospital, and in the bed, that stood in its centre, Ziva recognized herself, lying unconscious and looking pale and weak. The sight made her shiver, and she gave the woman next to her a uncertain glance – relived to see her smile reassuringly. "You look bad, I know, but you will be alright, trust me!"
Next to her bed Ziva perceived several well-known persons: There was Tony, sitting right at her bedside, apparently talking to her, with an encouraging attitude. Beside him sat McGee, who was watching Tony, looking worried an tired. Ducky seemed to check something on a monitor on the other side of her bed, a slight frown on his face. Abby was standing far away from the others at the window, looking out … and Gibbs, as she noticed disappointed, was nowhere to be seen.
But before she could ask the question she had in mind – Where is Gibbs? Why is he not at my side like the others? –, Kate waved a hand an like a camera the picture moved, until Abby's face filled the screens. She was crying silently, tears running down her face, black and grey because of her make up, a sign that startled Ziva. Never had she thought that Abby would react in such a emotional way, would be that shaken by her being injured.
"You see?" asked Kate. "And listen."
Suddenly a small voice filled the bullpen, Abby's voice, broken by sobs now and then and sounding almost desperate. A first Ziva assumed the Goth was silently talking to herself, but then she realized, the words were directed to somebody else … "She's praying? To you?"
Kate seemed al little uneasy, she shrugged. "She often talks to me when she's lonely, or sad, or afraid …" Ziva nodded and turned her attention back to Abby's voice.
… there's anything you can do! Please help her! She mustn't die, I don't know if I could stand it! Not again! You know it isn't the same, Katie, you know I'll always love you! She'll never mean anything like this to me, but she's a friend, and I … I've to say I'm sorry, sorry for slap-ping her and sorry for everything else I did to her! I blamed her for your death, Katie, an that was just unfair. I couldn't help it, it hurt too much, and accusing her and treating her like I did eased the pain a little, but it was wrong, because it wasn't her fault, and she even tried to help me get along and to be there for me, but I wouldn't let her, and if she wakes up I'm going to tell her everything and apologise and I think we can become friends. But she mustn't die, please help her! Gibbs won't be able to stand it, either! He thinks nobody knows, but I saw him: Every night he's sitting at her bedside, holding her hand till dawn, and the coming back to work – he hasn't slept for days, and if Ziva doesn't wake up soon, he will crack! Please, Katie! Katie ... I miss you so terribly! Every day I hope you'll just come walking in an saying "Hey, Abs, I'm back! Everything just was a fake, I had to go undercover for some time, but now I'm back with you!", and every night I'm dreaming of you lying next to me, and then I wake up crying in an empty bed. How could you just leave me here alone? How could you … I loved you so much!
The voice faded and the picture froze. Ziva felt herself crying again, and in Kate's eyes also shimmered tears. "You and Abby …"
"Yes. Nobody knew, partly because of Gibbs' Rule # 12, partly because I wasn't ready yet, not prepared to move to the public, to come out. But Abby was the love of my life, and I'll always love her and look after her as good as I can!"
"So you're kind of a guardian angel?"
"Didn't you say you would not ask questions about these things anymore?" Kate reminded her. "Fact is, I, being dead, can do very little to protect her – and this is where you come in."
"Me?"
"You, Ziva. What I want to ask you to do is to look after them in my stead."
"After them?"
"After Abby – and after Gibbs. The others will get along, even if it's hard for them, too. But Abby is at the brink of giving up hope – she thinks about committing suicide, Ziva, to be with me again!" Kate's voice was filled with fear, and with determination. "I will not let this happen, if I can help it, and I need you to help me! Help me to save her."
"I will do everything I can, whatever needs to be done!" Ziva promised. "You have my word for it! But what's about Gibbs? He wasn't there, and Abby …"
"… said he was sitting by your bedside every night till dawn, holding your hand." Kate contin-ued. "Look for yourself."
The screens sprang to life again, this time showing the hospital room in darkness. A small ray of light fell through the glass of the door and illuminated the room just enough for Ziva to make out the dark figure of a man sitting at her bedside and indeed carefully holding her right hand in his own. If she hadn't known it was Gibbs she would not have guessed, let alone recognized him: His head and shoulders had sunk as if a great weight was pressing him down, and nothing of the energy and determination normally surrounding his person was to be sensed. He looked like someone who is about to break down.
"I'm sure he does not pray", she said in an attempt to cover how the picture was disturbing her.
"You're right", Kate told her dryly. "He's not talking to God, he's talking to you."
And now Ziva could hear the familiar voice, only it didn't sound familiar at all. Gibbs wasn't crying – he was Gibbs, after all! –, but she had never heard him sound so … defeated. He actually spoke to her unconscious form, slowly and with long breaks between the sentences:
"When we first met I really didn't like you, Ziva. You were trying to stop me going after that bastard who killed … You were so goddamn stubborn and so absolutely confident about Ari being innocent and you doing the right thing! You had no idea how you pissed me off!" In the bullpen Ziva couldn't help but smile. "But I quickly noticed you were an excellent officer, and a person who would do what's right, no matter the consequences, no matter how painful it might become; I disliked you and trusted you the same time.
So when I needed someone to entrust my life to, I chose you, and you did not let me down – you've never let me down, Ziva. You gave me your word, and when you had to choose between my life and the life of your brother, between a man you scarcely knew and a man you loved, you stuck to it and saved me by killing him. I didn't know he was your brother. But had I known … I still would have asked you.
Now you've saved me a second time – not to talk about all the other occasions in the normal line of work. You brought me back to the States, I came back to help you, to pay you back, but with calling me back from Mexico, you in fact helped me. You prevented me wasting my life, throwing it away there on the beach, and now I'm back where I belong, only because of you. But if you die now, giving your life to save mine – that would be a bad treat. Mark my words, Ziva: If you die, I'll take the first plane back to Mexico, cast my cell phone into the sea and nobody will ever see me again. When Kate died … Don't you die, Ziva David! Please don't die."
Ziva was moved to the core, to the depths of her heart. She had known Gibbs trusted her, respected, even valued her, but she hadn't expected this; the extend of his emotions simply threw her. He had even compared her possible death to Kate's – not in spoken words, but she knew him: It was always more important to listen to what he did not say … and thinking of Kate, she remembered the impression she'd had, the conclusion she'd drawn earlier: "What was there between you and Gibbs?" she asked. "His reaction to your dead …"
"You're a observant person, Ziva", Kate answered. „He always felt attracted to me, and I …" She smiled slightly embarrassed. "When he made me a member of his team, I simply fancied him, very much like at school you fancy that one guy two years ahead of you who is captain of the basketball team and dates all the cheerleaders … I mean, he's just the alpha-male in the pack, he's just … Gibbs." She gave Ziva a quick look. "But why am I telling you … After some time my feelings for him became more and more serious, and some day I noticed that I was more to him than just a co-worker …" She sighted. "But before things could even start to develop between us, Gibbs put a stop to it by explaining Rule # 12 to me …"
"'Romance between agents never works'", quoted Ziva.
"Exactly. It took some time before I figured out his reasons for being so strict about this stu-pid rule: Gibbs has been hurt far too many times by women, and he has suffered far too much pain when Shannon and Kelly died – he's simply afraid of love. He has his affairs all right, but he always avoided the women who really meant something to him … He never told me what he felt for me, because he feared the possibility of loosing me, of me being killed in the line of duty."
Kate shook her head. "I'll never understand how a man as intelligent as Gibbs can be that stupid: Now I was killed – but was his pain any more bearable because he never told me?" She looked Ziva straight in the eye. "You ask him from me! What did he gain by hiding his feelings? And you warn him: He's about to make the same stupid mistake again!"
The Israeli returned her gaze and searched in the woman's brown eyes for confirmation. Did she really hint was she thought she would? Could it be? Ziva opened her mouth, but Kate shook her head. "It's time for you to depart, Ziva, time to go back. Remember your word, but I know you will. Take care off the team for me, especially off Abby and Gibbs. Tell Gibbs what I just told you, that he's about to repeat a mistake. Say hallo from me to McGee and Ducky, and tell Tony I'm still having an eye on him. And as for Abby … Do tell her I don't want to see her the next fifty years! I want her to live and to be happy as she deserves it! I'll be waiting for her in eternity – and tell her I'll always love her!"
Ziva's vision obscured, the room darkened, and out of the darkness she heard Kate's voice, quietly and very close to her, like a whisper in her ear: "Goodbye, Ziva David. And … thank you."
"No!" Ziva shouted. "Wait! There's so much …" She felt herself rising, or falling, she couldn't tell, propelling through blackness and void, and a great tide of tiredness was washing over her, laying on her body and mind. "Thank you, Kate", was all she could say – or had she just thought it? She didn't know. Everything was dark, and she was so tired … "Thank you, Kate."
t.b.c.
Story Notes:
As I'm not an english native speaker, there might be some mistakes ... constructive feedback is always welcome!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ziva wakes up at NCIS HQ, not knowing how she came there. Suddenly a desklamp is swiched on, illuminating the face of ... Kate. Is it a dream? A halucination? Or a trap?
Chapter End Notes:
As I'm not an english native speaker, there might be some mistakes ... constructive feedback is always welcome!