Chapter 2: Abby
"Thank you, Kate."
It had been just a whisper, barely audible, and Tony wasn't sure at all if he had understood rightly. He looked at McGee, and the look on the other man's face confirmed him. "You heard it too, didn't you?"
McGee nodded, looking confused. "She said … ‘Thank you, Kate'."
Tony shrugged and bend over Ziva's unconscious form, taking a closer look at her face. It seemed to him as if she was struggling to open her eyes. "Go and get a doctor, Probie", he ordered, smiling. "I think she at least is coming back to us."
And as McGee headed out, DiNozzo again focused his attention on his injured team-mate. "Come on, Zee-vah", he said, deliberately pronouncing her name the way he knew it would annoy her. "You've
had a long enough time-out! And I'm through with doing your work for you, I've enough to do with my own!"
Her eyelids moved, but her eyes remained closed. "Gibbs …" she whispered.
"No, Ziva, it's me, Tony. But talking of Gibbs: You really have to wake up, because neither me nor anybody else can stand this any longer! Gibbs bad mood, I mean. He gives us hell every day …"
The door opened and the doctor came in, closely followed by McGee and Ducky.
"Is she awake?"
"Not quite", answered Tony, "but I think it won't take long now. She spoke again … asked for Gibbs this time."
"Yes … where is Gibbs?" asked McGee, while the Doctor was checking Ziva's vital functions. The young agent's voice carried more than a hint of accusation. "Why's he never here? She saved his life, after all."
"That would be", came a severe voice from the door and made everybody jump, "because NCIS isn't closed while Officer David is recovering, Agent McGee. Somebody has to do the work." Gibbs came briskly walking into the room. "And don't apologize!" he snapped as McGee began to do so. His expression considerably softened, however, when he looked down at Ziva, and when he questioned "Doctor?", his voice was almost friendly.
"She's about to wake up. Her pulse goes stronger now, and more regularly." The doctor, a man of Gibbs' age, but jovial and good-tempered, smiled at each of them in turn. "As I said before: Your Officer David will fully recover."
Broad and relived smiles answered him form every face – or almost. While Tony was clap-ping McGee on the back so forcefully he almost caused the younger agent to stumble, while Ducky was shaking the doctors hands with fever, Gibbs left without showing any sign of re-lief. He just strode out of the room without looking back and was gone.
"What the hell is gone into him lately?" All the good mood was suddenly blown away.
"I don't know, Anthony", Ducky sighted, "not really. He has not been himself ever since he came back from Mexico. I think he's still shaken …"
"Yep. And his memory is still screwed up, too", Tony agreed. "Remember him calling Ziva ‘Kate'? That was the day when …" He made a vague gesture in the direction of the bed.
"But he is recovering", McGee reminded them. "At least his stupid moustache is gone!"
"Well, that's good news …" came a weak voice from the bed. They all turned in surprise to see Ziva looking at them, a small smile playing around the corners of her mouth. "It's about time we got the old Gibbs back." She looked at her team-mates – and noticed somebody missing. "Where's Abby?"
---
Abby Sciuto was at home. She just couldn't stand being anywhere else now, least of all in company. She kind of would have liked to be with Tony and the others at the hospital, but she felt she had no right to be there, not after how she'd treated Ziva. And beside that … seeing her like that had brought everything back again, the pain, the grief … it was like seeing Katie lying there, but Katie hadn't survived, hadn't been that lucky. On the one hand she was glad and thankful Ziva had survived, she had prayed for it, knowing that she wouldn't be able to cope with another loss, on the other hand she felt the irrational urge to blame her for surviving. Katie was dead, Ziva lived, it just wasn't fair! She knew it wasn't fair either to blame Ziva, but couldn't help doing so nonetheless. And worst of all: She couldn't talk to anybody about her feelings, since nobody knew what Kate had meant to her.
Under normal circum-stances she would have talked to Gibbs, told him everything from the beginning and he would have listened, would have understood and made her feel better, but this wasn't an opportunity now, since Gibbs … he was the reason she wasn't in her lab, working to busy her mind. She just couldn't stand the tension, couldn't endure his bad mood, his harsh orders, his snapping and barking, even yelling at her because of trifles … so she was sitting at home, in a corner on the floor in foetal position, head resting on her knees, far beyond tears and car-ing for anything or anybody. Least of all for herself.
She in no way reacted when she heard the doorbell ring, she didn't want to see anybody. She didn't answer to the persistent knocking that followed the bell, she just buried her face in her arms and wished not to hear anything anymore, never again. It would be that easy to just finish the pain … to take some pills and never wake up again … to forget all her grief, all her guilt, and be with Katie again and forever. So easy … why hadn't she done it yet? Everything she needed was at hand … She considered the consequences, as she'd done countless times: There were her colleges … for them it would be hard, she knew, for all of them – maybe except Gibbs, she thought bitterly, knowing at the same time it wasn't true –, but they'd get along, they had each other, after all. She had tried long enough now, fought hard enough to go on without Katie, she just couldn't hold on any longer. There was a time for everyone to give up, it all had been far more than she could bear. Maybe they would under-stand …Yes, she would do it this time, and she would do it now!
Abby was about to get up – and fell back in shock. Ziva was standing right in front of her, pale as a ghost, looking down at her with sad eyes full of compassion. "Hey, Abby", was all she said.
Abby just gaped at her, dumbstruck. Was she beginning to see things? Three days without food and sleep could do this to people, she knew, and the sedatives she'd taken some time ago (hours … days?) surely didn't help either … or had Ziva died and was now haunting her? This didn't seem inappropriate … She closed her eyes for a moment an took some deep and steady breaths, but when she looked again, nothing had changed.
Ziva looked down at her, just as shocked as Abby was by her sudden appearance. The fo-rensic expert looked terrible: Even paler than usual, although she obviously hadn't bothered with make-up lately, hair and clothes untidy as if she had been sitting there for days, and her eyes … Ziva knew that look. She had seen it far too often back in Israel, in the eyes of peo-ple, women and old, who had lost all there relatives to suicide bombers: Despair – and the entire lack of hope.
It was one week since she had woken up again, and only yesterday she'd been allowed to leave hospital. She'd had time enough to consider how best to fulfil her promise to Kate, and it hadn't taken her long to realize that Abby needed her most. More than Gibbs, who not a single time had visited or even called her. Tony had told her the boss was working fourteen to eighteen hours a day, trying to find the mole in Commander Barks' department and to hunt down the remaining weapons dealers. He had killed the one who had shot her, but some of their attackers had managed to escape, and he suspected the man who plotted the whole crime, the ‘mastermind', as Tony had put it, was still at large.
Neither Tony nor anybody else had been able to understand why she had been so unimpressed by the fact what Gibbs didn't seem to care at all whether she recovered or not, they all had called him names of which ‘bastard' had been the most frequently used, and the least offensive. Ziva always had remained quiet, had probably changed the subject … to hide from the how hurt she was. That was one reason. The other was that she knew what Gibbs had done while she'd been in coma: Ducky had told her in secret how Gibbs had been at her bedside every single night since she'd been shot, holding her hand – and so she was hurt and grateful the same time, angry about his apparent lack of concern and moved by a behaviour that showed far more than just concern. That was strange and complicated and confusing, and so she decided to deal with it later. First things first, and Abby first of all.
Another decision she'd made was not to talk to anybody about Kate before not having talked to Abby. Tony, Ducky, McGee, they all could wait, even Gibbs could … Abby had to be the first person to know about her experience and about the message Kate had chosen to deliver to her by using Ziva. And that was why she was now standing in the middle of Abby's living-room, looking down at a woman she remembered to be full of live and energy, jumping up and down, unable to stand still for just a second, making everyone smile around her with her cheerful attitude or with a hug … it might have been a completely different person.
"May I?" She sat down on the floor, facing Abby, who was still staring at her, and considered her next words. "You look terrible, you know."
"Ziva …" whispered the raven-haired woman, unable to believe it.
But the Israeli just continued. "When did you eat last time, Abby?"
That struck her by surprise. "What?"
"Eat. You know, food is quite useful to remain strong and healthy. You should try it from time to time." With this, she got up again. "The kitchen's over there, right? I hope you like soup … and maybe scrambled eggs with bacon …" she added, like an afterthought.
"Ziva." Abby tried to get up, too, but had just collapsed if Ziva hadn't quickly stepped forward and steadied her. Her head was swimming, the room rotated around her and she closed her eyes to regain control and will the weakness away. When she opened her eyes again, her gaze was steady and anger and confusion mingled in it. She freed herself form the suppor-tive grip and stepped back. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Looking for you", Ziva answered calmly. "Tony told me you hadn't been at work for ten days, that you wouldn't answer to calls nor to the doorbell. They all are really worried, and as I'm not allowed to go to work, I thought to pay you a visit and ask why you didn't come to visit me in hospital."
Abby looked at her, feeling guilty, and was relived to see her smile. "How did you get in?" she asked quickly.
"Picked your lock", was the casual remark. "Didn't think you were the only one who could, did you?" Despite still being confused and angry, Abby couldn't help but smile. "And now you wanna cook for me?"
"Yes. Do you come with me or stay here?"
Abby shook her head and gave in. "Coming."
For the next half hour she sat in her own kitchen watching Ziva boil water, wash, peel and cut the vegetables she'd brought with her, potatoes, carrots, broccoli and other, fry the bacon and prepare the eggs. Then they ate in silence, Abby being to confused to talk, Ziva not wanting to put any pressure on her. She just watched her closely and silently. Abby on the other hand still struggled to realize, to understand what had happened: One moment she had been about to give up entirely, to end her life … and now she was sitting here, with Ziva, eating vegetable soup and scrambled eggs, feeling more alive than she'd done for weeks. And she tried to figure out why she had come, after all she'd done to her … it should have been the other way around, Ziva being the one who had almost been killed an lien in coma after all.
Suddenly she put her spoon down. "Ziva …" she began, uncertain how to voice her feelings. "I'm … glad you've recovered, glad you've survived. And I'm sorry …" But she was in-terrupted. "It's okay, Abby. Really."
"No, it isn't. I should've …"
Ziva wouldn't let her speak. "Now you eat, then you sleep, and then we talk. Deal?"
Abby realized that all backtalk would be useless and nodded. And she noticed in surprise how effortless that woman managed to impose her will on her: Nobody usually told her what to do (well, except Gibbs, of course), and she never used to follow, at least not quietly, and certainly not without backtalk. But there was something about Ziva, a quiet self-confidence that made her feel save and guarded and taken care off in a way she hadn't experienced since …
And yet it was different: Kate had been a strong personality all right, but her strength had been hidden most of the time, and she had doubted it sometimes, unsure of herself. And as a result of that uncertainty, Kate had tended to hide her strength, had hesitated to show and use it. Ziva … her strength was like an ancient blade covered with a delicate sheet of silk, invisible, but detectable nonetheless … like a Japanese katana, Abby thought, which didn't have to be drawn to protect, because everybody knew what could be done with it, how deadly it could be … it was just the same: Ziva knew what she was capable of, she didn't need to show it to impress the people around her, it was like an aura … quite similar to Gibbs' ability to intimidate suspect by just staring at them, taking control off every situation he came to face … Abby realized she was using rather strange pictures, her thoughts going astray. Now she was fed and nourished, she longed for sleep. Rising her gaze, she saw Ziva looking at her.
"I'm … going to bed …" she managed to get out.
"Good idea. Want me to stay?"
"No, thanks … I'll be alright …" She wasn't quite sure about that, but didn't want to admit it. She didn't need a babysitter.
"Okay." Ziva got up, put the dishes into the sink and indicated the pot an the stove. "There's still enough in there for one more meal. And I'll come back tomorrow with something differ-ent." She smiled. "I'm quite a good cook, you'll see." Abby wanted to say something, but the Israeli silenced her with a gesture. "First sleeping, then talking!" she ordered half serious. And Abby nodded. But when she passed the other women on her way to the door, she gave her a swift hug and whispered. "Thank you."
Ziva watched her close her bedroom-door. She lingered for a moment, lost in thought, then left the apartment, carefully locking the door behind her. Outside she allowed herself a little smile of satisfaction. That had gone quite well, after all.
She had hardly left, when the bedroom door opened again and Abby peeped out. She knew Ziva only meant well, but for more than a year now had only had the choice between pills and nightmares, and she couldn't stand another night waking up crying right now. She went to her bathroom and opened her well filled medicine cabinet – only to find out that it wasn't filled well at all, but on the contrary was completely empty except for a note pinned on the inside: 'Better call me. Ziva.' And un-derneath was written the number of her cell phone.
---
Ziva was back in the late morning hours, bringing buns and various sorts of jelly. She'd no-ticed the day before that Abby had almost no food at home, and she wanted to make sure Abby's breakfast wouldn't contain of coffee only. She didn't need to pick the lock this time, Abby opened the door and let her in, looking considerably better than the day before; food and sleep had obviously done their job. "Hey, Ziva! Come in."
"Morning, Abby. How do you feel?"
"Better – although I didn't get any sedatives yesterday; somebody must've removed them …"
Ziva grinned, utterly unimpressed. "Did you sleep?"
"I did", Abby had to admit, "better than I've done for a long time …"
Again they ate in comfortable silence. After they'd finished, Abby took a deep breath, as if she tried to plug up all her courage. "Why do you do this, Ziva?" she asked in a serious voice and intensely looked at the woman sitting across the table.
The Israeli met her gaze head-on. "Because I'm worried about you, Abby", she answered earnestly, "and the others are, too."
"Maybe", Abby said thoughtful, "but why you?" She blushed. "I didn't mean to … don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything you do for me, but usually this wouldn't be your part but …" She hesitated, then signed sadly. "Well, under normal circumstances I would've expected Gibbs to come and look for me, but he is …" She shrugged. "No idea what has gone into him lately, but I know I can't count on him now. Next would be McGee, followed by Tony – but you? After how I've treated you?" She shook her head. "No, there's something else behind it. Why are you here, Ziva David?"
For a moment Ziva was tempted to use this opportunity and tell Abby about her encounter with Kate, but she considered it not to be the right time, not yet. A new kind of relationship was slowly building between them both, an unknown trust, but it was too uncertain yet. "You're right, Abby", she admitted, "I have my own private reason, and I promise I'll tell you about it, but I don't want to do so now. I think it's not …"
Now it was Abby's turn to silence her. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to, I'm okay with that …" She winked. "… for now. But I wanna know someday."
"You will, Abs. You will."
---
It became kind of a ritual: Usually Ziva would show up around nine o'clock, bringing buns, and they'd eat breakfast together. Then Abby would probably accompany Ziva to the hospital where she had to do monitored training sessions so her recovery could be controlled, but most of the time they would just sit in Abby's living-room and talk. Abby would tell stories from her youth and her time at college, and Ziva would repay her with some insights about her life in Israel and her time as a Mossad officer.
For lunch they'd cook together, mostly under Ziva's guidance, as Abby wasn't too skilled in the kitchen – when sometimes she demanded it was her turn to provide the food, they usually ordered egg rolls or sushi. In the afternoon one or the other of the team would drop in and bring some news from NCIS. Tony and McGee showed up regularly, and from time to time Ducky, Palmer and Lee would pay a visit, the medical examiner entertaining them all with stories from all over the world, Lee and Palmer always suspiciously lingering in the hall. At one memorable occasion even Director Shepard dropped in, asking how they were and assuring Abby that everything was in order although she'd just stopped coming to work without telling anybody anything. The only one who never came, and scarcely was mentioned at all, was Gibbs. The evenings they usually spent watching DVD's, mostly movies – or Buffy the vampire slayer, a series which Ziva had developed a liking for.
---
It was one evening about two weeks after Ziva's first visit in Abby's apartment. They had been watching Kill Bill 2 up to the scene when the Bride was to learn kung fu from Pai Mei, Head of the Order of the White Lotus. Ziva had laughed out at the sight of Kiddo carrying huge buckets of water up a long flight of stairs and had started to tell a story about her ex-periences in boot camp. But Abby, who usually was very interested in anything she could hear about her past, didn't seem to listen. "Am I boring you, Abby?"
The raven-haired woman jumped. "No! No, it's just …"
"What is it, Abs?"
Abby reached for the control and switched of the sound of the TV. She sat cross-legged on the sofa and now turned to face Ziva, her expression set and determined. "I've got to tell you something, Ziva."
The former Mossad agent nodded. "I know. And so have I. But you start."
"Okay …" Abby took a deep breath. "I wanna say I'm sorry!" she burst out. "Sorry about how I treated you when we met, when you joined the team, sorry about saying you didn't care for Gibbs and about slapping you! I'm sorry about everything." Ziva wanted to speak, but Abby wouldn't let her. "No, wait! Hear me out. When you … lay in coma, when it was uncertain if you would make it, I made a vow to myself and to …" She swallowed. "… that if you ever would wake again, I would apologize, would thank you for helping me and would try to be-come your friend."
"You are my friend, Abby." Ziva smiled at her. "And of course I accept your apology."
"Thank you." Abby returned the smile, obviously relieved, but clearly there was something else she wanted to voice. "But you don't know all of it. The reason why I acted like I did … It was …" She struggled, but was unable to go on, she just couldn't speak about her feelings for Kate.
"I know, Abby", Ziva said softly.
"What?" That sounded far more snappy and hurt than intended, but Ziva didn't care. "I know what you felt for …" Her voice trembled slightly. "For Kate. I know you two have been together, have been in love … oh, Abs, I'm so sorry!"
Abby stared at her, just like she had done when Ziva suddenly had appeared in her living-room. "How …" she whispered, "how … do you know? Nobody knew."
Ziva took a deep breath, bracing herself. "That's what I wanted to tell you. It will sound unbe-lievable to you, but please her me out." Abby just nodded, unable to talk. "I know it from … Kate." A gasp, and she quickly continued. "You know, when I lay in coma, I had some kind of … experience … I'm not sure what it was, but I … I woke up at the bullpen, but didn't know it at first, because it was dark. Then a lamp was switched on …" Now Ziva recalled what had happened – not exactly all of it, leaving out certain information concerning the events be-tween Ari, Gibbs and herself, but everything important to Abby.
Abby didn't interrupt her, made no sound at all, just sat motionless, staring, silent tears running down her face. But when Ziva recited the words of her prayer to Kate, Abby let out another gasp and started crying unrestrained, burying her face in Ziva's shoulder, who comforting laid her arms around her and whispered to her ear. "And then she asked me to help her protect you, to look after you, to help you, if I could. She told me you were about to give up hope, about to commit suicide in desperation, to be with her again."
She felt Abby's whole body tighten in shock. "Abby, look at me." But the crying woman only shook her head and nestled up even closer to her. Ziva gently put a finger under Abby's chin an forced her to rise her head. "Look at me, Abs. Do you know, what she said? ‘Do tell her I don't want to see her the next fifty years!' That are her words, words I'll never forget! ‘I want her to live and to be happy as she de-serves it! I'll be waiting for her in eternity – and tell her I'll always love her!'" Now Ziva was crying, too. "Abby, please! Please don't … She will be there forever, waiting for you, and watching over you, but we … we need you here! Gibbs and Tony and McGee and Ducky and … What are they going to do if you … And what do you think I … now that I've just found you …"
Abby cried for a long while, and Ziva held her close, gently caressing her hair and from time to time whispering comforting words into her ear. Gradually Abby calmed down, her sobs became less frequent, but she still didn't move – and suddenly Ziva became aware of her physical proximity, felt her body next to her in an unexpected intensity: the soft skin of her face, of her trembling lips against her neck … her breath, hot and somewhat unsteady … the scent of her hair, no perfume, but just Abby's own and characteristic scent, which, she sud-denly realized, had become so familiar to her during the past weeks … the feeling of Abby's breasts pressed against hers … Ziva's heart skipped one beat and doubled its speed.
‘My god, what am I thinking about? This is Abby!' She felt herself blushing and at the same time a shiver ran through her whole body. ‘I should move', she thought, but didn't dare to, afraid of Abby noticing what was going on. And beside that … did she really want to move?
Maybe she had made an involuntary movement, because Abby rose her head and met her eyes. She didn't say anything, just held her gaze, open and intense, not blinking, not looking away, as if she was searching for something in her eyes. And Ziva, who'd never backed down in a situation like this – but she had never been in a situation like this! All that hints about female lovers she had fed Tony with had been nothing but the perfect way to get under his skin, make fun of him and his typical testosterone-driven male sex-fantasy of watching women make love … which in fact was one of her own fantasies, too, one of just a few she hadn't come to fulfil yet. And somehow, without knowing how, she had now come closer to it than ever before. One moment she comforted a friend, next moment (this moment in fact!) she found herself in a highly erotic situation, the air crackling with sexual tension … She dropped her gaze, confused …
… and felt Abby's lips at her ear, whispering "I know what you think", felt her lips gently touching her skin, moving down to her throat … Suddenly, with an almost violent assault, Abby captured her mouth with her own, pressed her lips on Ziva's in a passionate kiss, and Ziva felt herself kissing back, allowing Abby's demanding tongue to enter her mouth … she heard herself moan with joy when experienced hands pushed up her shirt and started caressing her breasts … but something in this sound brought her senses back for just a second - and with a sudden effort she detached herself from the other woman. "Abby, no …" she managed to get out, breathing heavy.
"It's not like you to be prudish, Ziva", Abby teased, trying to pull her close again. "And don't pretend you don't want it, because I know better!"
"I don't pretend anything", Ziva answered, rearranging her clothes. "But the question is not what I want, but what you want!"
"I think I've made that quite clear." Abby obviously was getting angry.
But Ziva shook her head. "You don't want me, Abby. What you want is: You want Kate back! And as that's not possible, you want to stop the pain, the nightmares, want them to go away at least for one night, and you think that sleeping with me maybe will help you there. But I won't do this, Abs, not now. I would be taking advantage of you, of your grief, your pain, your des-peration, and I'm not doing it! I'm your friend, Abby, and I want to be your friend for a long time – but if I allowed you to seduce me now, you would hate me in the morning!"
Abby stared at her for one second, like frozen in shock – then broke down completely. "I'm sorry, Ziva!"
"It's okay … shhh …don't worry about it, Abs, I understand …" She waited for her friend to calm down a little, then said: "It has been a hard day … let's go to bed, we can talk tomorrow …" She couldn't help but smile about the look on Abby's face. "I'll stay here tonight – as a friend."
Somehow Abby managed a weak smile in return. "Thank you, Ziva."
They got ready for bed in no time. Ziva was first to slip under the blankets, and when Abby followed, the Israeli just smiled and opened her arms. "Come." And Abby huddled up close to her, her head resting on Ziva's shoulder. "Thank you", she repeated, and Ziva just placed a kiss on her cheek. "Sleep well, Abby", she whispered. "I'll be here."
There were no nightmares this night.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ziva tries to fulfil her promise made to Kate: Prevent Abby from giving up hope.
Chapter End Notes:
As always, I'd eally like to have feedback, and in this case there is something else: When you've read the story, you'll notice that there are two possibilities to cotinue and finish it: One Ziva/Gibbs version (following the hints in chapter 1) and one Ziva/Abby version. Since I'm not quite sure which one I prefer, I'd like to know which you rather would read (maybe I'm going to write both ...).