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It was after midnight but neither of them were sleeping. Tony's hand was running in long strokes down her back enjoying the feel of her hair and skin and satin. He wanted to talk to her about something that had been bothering him since dinner but he didn't know how to bring it up.
Claudia was lost in her own thoughts as traced little patterns in his chest hair as she lay plastered to his side. Her earlier conversation with her aunt had been on her mind all day. Aunt Claire had been happy for Claudia when she found out about the two men, and Claudia had been surprised to learn that her aunt had been in a similar situation in her younger days when she lived in California. The three of them had been happy and stayed together for many years before slowly drifting apart as their artistic lives took them in different directions. The difference between her situation and Claudia's was the fact that her two lovers knew about each other, Claudia's don't. Aunt Claire had stressed over and over in their conversation that Claudia needed to be open and honest with both men and although Claudia knew she was right, it was easier to say than necessarily do.
She was trying to figure out how to start the conversation when Tony's low voice broke the quiet of the room, "Claud, where would Joshua go if something happened to you?"
The question blew her away, it was a question she expected from Jethro maybe but not Tony. And it was a question she had asked herself countless times in the past five years without a good answer. Before her mother died it would have been simple to answer, but not now. She replied softly, but honestly, "I don't know exactly. Social services would probably step in. My dad's health isn't good and he's not up to raising Joshua. He would probably end up with my Aunt Claire in Oregon. She loves him. It's not perfect but he would be safe and cared for."
Oregon felt like the end of the world to Tony, he didn't realize he was squeezing her until he felt her wiggling around to try and look at his face, "Tony? What is it?"
Tony's voice came out a harsh whisper, "I'd loose you both."
She could see the pain on his face as that realization hit him and she bit her lip to try and keep from crying. Finally she said, "There isn't any other family to take him Tony. If my mom were still here then it wouldn't be an issue, but she's not, and Aunt Claire is the only option. But Tony, I'm not going anywhere any time soon."
"I would." he said suddenly.
Not following him she asked, "You would what?"
His eyes locked on hers, "Take Joshua. I could raise him, be his father."
She could see that he was in earnest, this wasn't just something that he blurted out unintentionally, although that's how it came out. She gently stroked his cheek. "Tony, what brought all this on? Really?"
Tony took a deep breath and steeled himself a little, he never really told her about work, about his cases. He would share little light anecdotes and the happy endings. But he tried to shield her from the violence and ugliness he saw on a daily basis. "Case we just had. I had to bring a little girl to Social Services because her mom was murdered and she didn't have any other family. Joshua must be a good influence on me because after I found her hiding in her closet and started talking to her, she just latched on to me. She was so scared. And I'll never forget the look on her face when I had to leave her there with the social worker. I don't ever want to see that look on Joshua's face. Ever. Even if you and I get to the point where we're throwing things at each other's heads, I would never want that to happen to him. He will always know that somebody wants him."
She had suspected that something important had transpired between Joshua and Tony the night she was sick, and their actions earlier had confirmed it for her. He had participated in tucking Joshua into bed and she saw how comfortable he suddenly was when Joshua hugged him goodnight and told Tony he loved him. She also saw Tony give Joshua a kiss on the head during that hug as he replied "I love you too, Squirt." back to Joshua. Somewhere along the way Tony DiNozzo, bachelor extraordinaire, had became a parent when no one was watching.
She also suspected that although Tony never physically needed for anything growing up, that he did not have a warm and nurturing home life. And she wondered if he had felt like no one wanted him as he was shuffled off to boarding school. He kept so many things locked up inside, away from her, but mostly away from himself. And the longer she knew him, the more she learned about him. The fact that the case had been on his mind did not surprise her, Tony was a kind, gentle man.
She thought about Jethro for a moment. He was equally kind and gentle, and she knew that he would also offer to step in to raise Joshua and that he loved Joshua. But she realized something different about the two men when it came to Joshua, and it was probably because Jethro had a child of his own and Tony didn't. In Jethro's eyes, even if he raised him and Joshua called him "Daddy" that Joshua was still another man's son and there would always be a line of respect for that fact deep down in Jethro's heart. Tony on the other hand had just claimed Joshua as his own, no distinction whatsoever, he was Joshua's father in his heart.
Before she could say anything he added, in an unsure of himself tone, "When I saw those forms earlier I realized you really don't have anybody to count on. And it got me thinking about that little girl again. So...that's what brought this all on."
She leaned in and brushed his lips with hers, letting him know that she heard him while she tried to put together the right words to reply to it all. Finally she spoke, "Tony, you are one of the kindest, gentlest men I have ever met. And there isn't anyone I would want more to raise Joshua, because if he grows up to be even half the man you are he would be the best of men. It's just a huge thing though, and have you really thought about it?"
"Forwards, backwards, inside and out. I love him, Claud, and I want to make sure his future is everything it's supposed to be."
"You know for a guy that supposed to not be good at talking about his feelings you seem to have a knack for it."
He smiled and teased, "It's all your fault."
She smiled back but behind it she wondered if this was the time, the time to bring up the impossible situation she found herself in with he and Jethro. Before she could say anything Tony deftly flipped them and she found herself looking up at him, "So should I take care of the paperwork?" he asked with a smirk.
"You're sure?"
"Positive."
"Okay. But there is something else I need to talk to you about."
His reply came in the form of gentle, teasing kiss. The ones he specialized in, the ones that made her brain disengage. And they were both enjoying it so much that it took a minute for them to register that Tony's cell phone was ringing from the pocket of his jeans on the floor.
Groaning, Tony leaned over and fished around to find it.
"DiNozzo."
She heard a muffled male voice on the line and Tony's side of the conversation, they apparently had a case.
"Be there in fifteen, Boss." He hung up with a grimace.
She quirked an eyebrow, "Work?"
He just looked at her for a moment, then sighed, "Yeah. My boss has incredible timing. But before I go what is the other thing we need to talk about?"
She stroked his cheek, "It'll keep. You've gotta go catch the bad guys."
He kissed her again, holding her face gently in his large hands, "I love you."
"I love you, too." It was the first time she had said it, and she meant it, for so many reasons.
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tbc...feedback always welcome!
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