Chapter 1.
"Daddy hurt me."
At first it was a case and only a case. They had been called to the Sergeant Martell's house because neighbors had heard noise coming from a fight. Usually they were only called when someone was killed or missing but it was different tonight. Tony wished another team had been called this time.
When they arrived in front of the Sergeant house, everything was calm. Tony almost asked Gibbs to go back to the office but he knew what the older man would say. So he stayed quiet.
Gibbs knocked at the door while McGee and Ziva were looking if there was something strange in the garden. Tony was still beside him when a man opened the door, a tall blond man.
-Special Agent Gibbs and Special Agent Dinozzo, NCIS. Is everything ok, Sergeant?
The man in front of them was visibly angry to be disturbed in his own house so late in the night. But it was not something that could impress someone like Gibbs.
-Can we come in? Just to check everything is ok… Are you alone here?
-My wife went to see his mother who is sick. I'm alone with Alan.
-Who is Alan?
-My son.
Tony didn't like the way this man had said those words. He had heard this tone before and he didn't bring back good memories to him. He knew now why and against whom this man was angry.
-I don't know why you're here Special Agent Gibbs but there nothing here for you to check. I was only watching TV. Alan is playing in his room…
This man was hiding something. Tony could feel it and he hoped Gibbs realized it too. They could not oblige this man to open his door and let them enter.
-Someone called the police saying there was noise coming from your house as if there was a fight. And it was not the first time…
Gibbs didn't say anything more. He didn't need to. Martell opened the door and let them enter. McGee and Ziva were still outside and Gibbs told them to stay there. Tony followed him inside. The younger man knew exactly what he had to do.
-Sergeant Martell, where is Alan's room?
-Alan is ok. You don't need to bother him…
-Please, Sergeant, let us do our job and we will go away.
Tony had tried to stay calm and talk to Martell as gently as he could. But when Gibbs looked at him he realized that the older man had felt the anger in his Agent's voice.
-Upstairs…second door on the right.
-Thank you, Sergeant.
Tony didn't wait for Gibbs to say he could go. His heart was beating fast when he arrived in front of the boy's door. He knew what he would find in this room and he was afraid to face it once again. H hated feeling so weak but there was nothing he could do against it.
He had tried to fight this feeling for years, but every time he was thinking about what he had lived, the fear was back… A fear he could not control even today.
He knocked at the door.
-Alan, I'm Special agent Dinozzo, NCIS. Can I come in?
Tony knew well he would not receive any answer talking like that but there were rules he had to follow.
-My name is Tony. I'm here to see if you're ok. But I need to enter this room to do it. I won't come in unless you allow me to do it.
There was still no answer and Tony was beginning to worry. He realized suddenly what was preventing the boy from opening this door.
-Alan, I'm alone. Your father is downstairs with another Agent. You can open the door.
-The door is not locked. You can come in…
Tony was happy to hear the young boy's voice. He had been aware the door was unlocked but he would not have opened it without permission. This room was the boy's refuge…
Tony opened the door but he could not see Alan. The room was dark and the boy was not on his bed or at the little desk.
-Where are you, Alan?
-Here…
The voice came from the corner of the room. A little boy was sitting on the floor. He was not more than eight years old…
-Can I turn on the light?
-No, I prefer when it's dark.
Tony closed the door and walked to the corner where Alan was and sat beside him…not too close.
-When I was your age, I loved staying in the dark too. It helped me think.
The young boy didn't reply anything. Tony could feel the tension in the boy's shoulders. He would have liked to take him in his arms and told him everything would be all right. That he had not to be afraid… But he had not the strength to lie to this child…
-What happened here, tonight?
-Nothing.
It was obviously not the first time Alan was giving this kind of answer. The word had come out of his mouth before Tony could finish his sentence.
-That's not what your neighbors think… They called to tell us there was a fight here. Your father was fighting with someone?
The boy looked up at Tony, his blue eyes trying to read his mind. Tony could feel that Alan wanted nothing more than to trust him but he was still not sure he could that. There was nothing Tony could do to convince him. He knew too well how hard it was for Alan to trust someone.
-There's only my father and me here.
It was the answer Tony feared to hear. He didn't need to ask more questions to understand what had happened in this house.
-Why was your father angry?
-I don't know. He is always angry.
Alan closed his eyes and when he opened them again, Tony could see a look on his face he knew too well.
-It was my fault. When Mum is not here…Dad hates when I bother him. But I needed some help with my homework. I should not have asked him…He was busy…
Tony knew he was supposed to say something like "it was not your fault"… or something like that. But the only things that were coming to his mind were not the kind a young boy can hear. Alan's father was sick and the only thing Tony wanted to do was to take this boy away from this house.
-You're not going to send my Dad to jail. He has not done anything wrong…It was my fault.
-What did he do to you?
Alan hesitated before answering. Tony could see the young boy wanted to tell him what had really happened but he changed his mind.
-Nothing. He just sent me to my room telling me he didn't want to see me until tomorrow.
-I can help you, Alan. But I need to know the truth. I need you to tell me what happened.
-I just told you what happened…
Tony would have liked to do more… to make Alan talk to him. He could not force him. It would take time for the young boy to accept help. But if Alan was strong enough one day to ask for help, Tony would be here. He took a paper and a pen in his jacket and wrote down his personal phone number.
-Alan, I want you to do something for me. You think you can do it?
-I can try…
Tony smiled and gave him the piece of paper.
-It's my phone number. I want you to keep it always with you. If anything happen or if you just need to talk…I want you to call me.
-I think I can do that.
Tony stood up. He didn't want to leave Alan alone but what else could he do? He had to try one more time to make the boy talk…
-Alan, if your father did something to you, you should tell me about it. Did he hurt you?
-I know what's going to happen if I say something… I don't want to leave my Dad and Mum.
-I understand… Don't forget to call me.
Alan loved his parents like every kids. Even if the only feeling he had for his parents was hate, Tony could understand why Alan didn't want to say anything.
-Tony…?
Tony turned to watch the little boy standing up and walking to him. Alan took Tony's hand and for a second Tony believed that the boy would ask him to take him away from this house. But Alan looked at him with fear in his eyes.
-Please, don't tell my Dad that I talked to you. He would be angry at me. He doesn't like when I talk to strangers.
Anger threatened to overwhelm Tony. He didn't care what this man liked or didn't like. The only thing he wanted to show him for now was his fist. This man deserved to feel what an angry man could do.
-Please…Tony…Promise me you won't say anything to my Dad.
Tony could not ignore the pleading tone in Alan's voice. It was hard for him to make that promise but he knew what would happen if he said a word to this man.
-I promise, Alan. I won't say anything to your father. But don't forget your promise…If anything happen…You call me.
Alan nodded and walked back to his favorite place. Tony knew he would stay there waiting for his father to go to bed…waiting for his father to sleep before going to bed himself and try to get some sleep…Tony knew what Alan was feeling right now…fear, guilt…
Tony walked slowly downstairs. Gibbs was talking with Martell.
-You've found anything special upstairs, Agent Dinozzo?
Tony tried not to yell at the man in front of him. It took him all his strength not to hit him. Alan's father was smiling at him.
-Dinozzo?
Gibbs' voice brought him back to the present. His boss had a way to know what he was feeling. It was as if the older man could read his mind. There were many things Gibbs ignored about him but sometimes, Tony felt as if he could tell him everything. He knew Gibbs would understand but he could not talk. There were too many secrets buried that didn't need to be revealed.
-Alan is in his room. He says he is ok.
Gibbs could hear the words Tony was not saying but it was not the place to talk about it.
-Sorry Sergeant. We are going to leave now.
-No problem, Agent Gibbs. You're only doing your job.
Tony had not moved and was still facing Martell. If Gibbs had not taken his arm, he would have stayed there. He knew Martell would have said or done something. Tony knew how to deal with men like him. He would have made him react in a way or another.
When they sat in the car no one dared saying anything. Both Ziva and McGee could feel the tension between Gibbs and Tony. They knew that Tony could sometimes be annoying and that Gibbs had a way to make him understand he was going too far. But it was different this time.
Tony was angry and McGee could tell that he was about to explode. The young man had never seen him like that. Tony had his own way to deal with pressure and stress due to the job. It had taken McGee months to realize that Tony's behavior, his jokes were only a mask he was wearing. It was his way to hide his true personality.
Gibbs stopped the car in front of NCIS offices and asked McGee and Ziva to get out of the car. They didn't ask why and went out without a word. Gibbs waited for them to close the doors before looking at Tony. The younger man had not moved and was looking right in front of him. Gibbs knew something was wrong and he was determined to know what it was.
Gibbs was driving for five minutes when Tony realized they were not taking the way to his apartment but he did not ask anything. He knew he would have to give explanations to Gibbs about what had happened tonight.
Gibbs stopped the car in front of his house a few minutes later.
-Are you going out of this car or do you want to stay here all night?
Tony opened the passenger door and followed Gibbs inside the house. Tony sat on the couch while Gibbs walked to the kitchen. The younger man smiled when he saw Gibbs come back with a steaming mug.
It was reassuring to see that some things would never change. Gibbs always needed a coffee before interviewing a suspect. And it was exactly how Tony was feeling tonight.
-I'm sorry, Boss. I did act as a Special Agent tonight. It won't happen again.
-I've not driven you here tonight to hear you say sorry, Tony. You were about to hit this guy. I must admit I didn't like the way he reacted but the way you looked at him…
-I'm going to say it one more time…It won't happen again, Boss…
Gibbs knew now that there was really something wrong with Tony and that it would be much harder than he had thought to make him talk. Tony had never talked to him like that and if they had been at the office, Gibbs would not have let him do that.
-That's not what I asked, Tony.
-You didn't ask anything, Boss.
-True…What happened tonight, Tony? Why have you reacted this way? Has it something to do with the kid?
Tony looked at his boss. He would have liked to tell him what he had really felt, why he had wanted to hurt this man so badly that he could still feel the anger running into his veins. But he could not do that. He had never talked about it to anyone and he would not begin tonight, especially not with Gibbs. This man was too important for him to disappoint him.
-I want an explanation, Tony. And I will have it…now or later.
-Sure, Boss.
Gibbs didn't like the way Tony was talking. He was discovering a side of his Agent he had never seen before. Tony was looking at him but Gibbs could tell that it was not really him Tony was seeing.
-Don't forget who you are talking to, Tony.
-How could I…? Can I go home or do you want me to stay on your couch all night?
-Tony, I just want to help you. Something happened tonight and I think we need to talk about it.
-No, Boss. You need to talk about it…not me. And I don't need your help…I'm a grown man…I can take care of myself.
Tony stood up and walked to the door. Gibbs didn't try to stop him. He knew he would not obtain anything by force. When Tony closed the door, Gibbs sat back on his couch.
-If only you could open your eyes, Tony. If only you allowed me to help you…
Gibbs wanted nothing more than to help Tony. It was becoming harder to work every day with Tony without being able to tell him about his real feelings for him. He had promised himself to tell the younger man about it one day…but it was never the right moment. Tony had never let him come close to him. The younger man had built a wall around him and Gibbs had understood tonight that this wall was even higher than he had thought at first.
The following days were more than tensed at the office. Ziva and McGee had tried to make Tony talk about the events of that night and they had only succeeded in making him even angrier. Gibbs was waiting for Tony to talk but it was obviously not the right to do either.
Tony was doing his job…nothing more. No jokes, no stupid remarks… Every one was beginning to worry about him. Even Ducky had seen the change in the younger man.
On the third day, Gibbs decided it was time for him to talk seriously with his Agent. He waited until McGee and Ziva left the office before walking to Tony's desk.
The younger man was pretending to be busy but Gibbs knew he had finished his report hours ago.
Before Gibbs could say anything, Tony's cell phone rang.
-Dinozzo.
Gibbs could tell that it was not good news at the look on Tony's face.
Tony had seen that Gibbs was walking to his desk. He almost smiled when his phone rang... "Saved by the bell".
-Dinozzo.
-Tony…?
Tony froze when he heard the weak voice. He knew who was calling him and why he was calling. Tony could not say a word…He could hear Alan breath…He could feel the fear from here.
-Yes it's me. What's wrong?
Tony was trying to stay calm but it was hard for him not to run out of this office.
-Please, tell me what's wrong.
No answer…
-Don't move from where you are. I'm coming.
-Don't leave me, please.
-I'm here. What happened?
Tony stood up and began to walk to the elevator. Gibbs was following him. The older man caught his arm before he could walk into the elevator.
-Don't do that, Boss.
When Tony looked at him, Gibbs let him go. He didn't know what Tony was about to do but he realized he could not have stopped him.
When the elevator's door closed, Tony sighed.
-I'm still here, Alan. I'm coming. It won't be long. Where are you?
-In my bedroom.
The young boy's voice was weaker now.
-What happened, Alan?
A tear went down on Tony's cheek when he heard Alan's answer…
-Daddy hurt me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony reveals his dark side