Chapter Ten
Jenny didn’t have any answers to his question, but Gibbs didn’t expect her to. This was something he had to figure out himself. After getting well into his forties as a completely hetero guy, it looked like the impossible had happened. And he didn’t know how the hell to deal with it.
He shook his head, stuffing the confusion aside. “Get some rest, Jen. You, Duck, Abby, I don’t want to see any of you for at least five hours.”
“What about you?” Jen asked, concern in her tone.
“Depends on how Tony is. If he’s okay, I’ll get some shuteye and a shower when you get back. But for now go, Jen. They’ll listen to you and I’m so damn tired of fighting. Get me a sitrep later.”
He drew in a deep breath, trying to focus. “If Tony is stable, I’ll let him be questioned when you get back.”
“He probably won’t remember anything,” she warned gently.
“Better if he doesn’t,” Gibbs said, his jaw tense. “You didn’t see him, Jen. It was…” Gibbs was aware he was gulping in air. “I’ve seen a hell of a lot. I’ve seen men tortured. This is the worst crime scene with a still-living victim. And he was conscious for a lot of it. When I called him…his screams… Damned miracle he’s made it this far.”
She squeezed his hand, eyes brimming with sympathy and glittering with tears. He’d missed this side of Jen…had figured it was lost in her vendetta against The Frog. “It’s not too late, Jethro. He has a long road but Ducky seems encouraged.”
“He has a hell of a will to live,” Gibbs pointed out. “Think even I would have given up. No idea how long he was lying there. A couple hours, Jen…It was a hundred mile drive and even with Ziva speeding we didn’t shave off as much time as we should have. God knows what went through his head while it was happening.” This was the first time Gibbs had given voice to the events of the night, and he didn’t seem to be able to stop himself.
“Didn’t call me, called Abby, Ziva, Ducky. Somehow managed to call, even though his hands…” he closed his eyes and shook his head. Gibbs knew he’d never get the image of Tony’s agony out of his head. “I was drunk, Jen. No good to him. Couldn’t even drive. He didn’t feel safe calling me. Why? Because I was the reason he went to Richmond anyway.”
He gulped in air now, trying to clean his mind of the images, both real and imagined. “He said goodbye to them, Jen. He was preparing to die out there. And then when I talked to him…they tortured him with us on the phone there. Never gonna forget those screams.” He shook his head again, trying like hell to breathe normally.
Her arms came around him, squeezing him tight, the warmth of her head on his chest slowing his heartbeat.
“Jen, I don’t know how we make him whole again.”
“You take care of him, Jethro. You let him know all he has to live for. You give him whatever hope he needs right now. I know you’re shaken up by all of this. I can see it in your eyes. But you’re a good man and you’ll find the way. Give him the truth but not false hopes.” She patted his back gently. “Now go in there and do what you have to do for both of you.”
Gibbs pulled away slightly, staring at her. They’d had a complex relationship that hadn’t gotten any easier when she’d become director at NCIS, but it was nice that they could communicate as friends now. She’d really been there for him throughout this and he knew how lucky he was to have that support. On an official and unofficial basis.
“Thanks, Jen.” He had so much more to say but he lacked the words. All he could do was pull away and try to convey the depth of his appreciation with his eyes.
Jen rested a gentle hand on his cheek. “I know, Jethro. Go sit with him. It’s where you need to be.”
“It is,” he agreed, nodding. He waited until she was in the elevator, leading a sleepy Abby, before he turned his attention to Tony’s room. “What the hell have you done to me, DiNozzo?”
Tony was a little unsettled when Gibbs came back into the room. His legs were twitching, his face tense. “Settle down, DiNozzo,” Gibbs whispered, stroking the collarbone spot. “I’m here. I was longer than I expected, but I’m back.”
It was almost magical how his voice and touch calmed Tony down. But he and Tony had always had a special bond. From the first moment he’d met the young ball of energy in Baltimore, Gibbs had known Tony was someone he could work well with. After Langer and Burley had moved on, the former to the FBI and the latter to an agent afloat assignment, Gibbs had preferred to work alone or with Pacci and Balboa. Morrow hadn’t been as pleased. The Major Case Response Team was a team, not one man, a ME, and his assistant being pressed into service. He and the director had locked horns. Gibbs didn’t want just anyone; he wasn’t trusting his life to some wet behind the ears probie who didn’t know the right end of a gun.
Then Morrow had allowed him to choose his own team, and he’d struck gold while working on a case with the Baltimore PD. DiNozzo had greeted him with a grin, had impressed him with his smarts, and exasperated him with the constant movie references. But over burgers at some seedy diner when the case was solved, Gibbs got to know DiNozzo. Tony was being underused at the Baltimore PD. They weren’t used to go-getters, that much was clear. And Gibbs hadn’t wanted DiNozzo to burn out, to become like most bitter inner city cops. He was too good.
It had surprised him when he had offered the young man a job. Gibbs had known they’d clash at times; even though they were both streetwise rather than school guys, they had very different philosophies. But they’d always complemented each other, at crime scenes, in interrogation, and most importantly in figuring out theories. He’d never admitted it to Tony, but his percentage of closed cases went up by almost ten percent within those first six months. Even though they’d had to work with Viv, who had not been a good fit, they’d established a strong working relationship, if not a grudging friendship.
Gibbs couldn’t pinpoint when his feelings had deepened. Had it started when Tony had been abducted, his voice fading ominously into silence? Was it when he’d been undercover with a murderer? Was it when he lay dying in a hospital bed, gasping for air, Gibbs trying desperately to reach him? Or was it later on? When Ari was targeting his people and he realized he couldn’t lose Abby or Tony. Or when Tony and Ziva had been sent undercover as a married couple and he’d been furious and hadn’t been able to puzzle out why. Or when he’d felt such blind panic he’d had to ram down when Tony and Ziva had been stuck in the container. Or when Tony’d been accused of murder and had fallen apart slowly in the jail cell, Gibbs stuck outside needing to be Tony’s rock even though he wanted to offer a shoulder and comfort.
It could have been when he’d handed the reins over to Tony and said he’d do, all the while wanting to say how proud he was of the other man. Or when he’d learned to hate Jen for putting Tony in such danger. The feelings were definitely there when Tony had saved him and Maddie, when Tony’s car had exploded and Gibbs felt his soul ripping apart.
Chances were he’d been in love with DiNozzo a long time, confusing it for worry and concern because he wasn’t ready and couldn’t understand the complex emotions. Now he’d given voice to them and they wouldn’t be silenced, even if he could deny them. He wouldn’t. As uncomfortable as they made him, as much as they made him question who he was, he wasn’t going to hide or deny it. It appeared that after a life of believing he was completely heterosexual, he’d gone and fallen in love with a guy, a guy who loved him back. What that meant for them both remained to be seen.
He pulled a chair up, sitting close, stroking Tony’s skin now, not planning what to say, but the words came tumbling out anyway. “Hey, DiNozzo. Gotta tell you something and I’m not ready for you to hear it when you’re awake yet. Realized something.” He drew in a deep breath, his heart suddenly racing. “Look like ya got more than a chance with me. Looks like I’m…” He paused, pulling in a long sip of oxygen again. “I’m in love with you, DiNizzo.”
Gibbs could only sit and watch as Tony’s mouth curled up in a small smile.
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