Chapter Four
Tony watched Kate fade away and slid into the seat across from the director. He knew he couldn’t be seen, heard or felt but he wanted so desperately to be close to them"especially Gibbs.
“Dessert! Gibbs, you have to eat dessert.” Abby was speaking, staring into their boss’ eyes and Tony followed her gaze. Gibbs was playing with a pickle spear on his plate, moving it around, staring down at the plate.
“I don’t have to do anything, Abbs. I have to…I need to…and you’re keeping me here.” He waved the spear around, punctuating his words.
“Jethro, you need a break.” Jenny put her hand on his arm and Tony was jealous, both of what they possibly had and the potential for what they could in the future.
He yanked his arm away. “I need to be back there in case Tony wakes up. What if he wakes up and I’m not there?” He paused and Tony could hear him swallowing audibly. “What if he dies and I’m not there?” He lifted his head up and Tony could see the tears swimming in Gibbs’ eyes. Knowing it would be a useless gesture, Tony still extended a shaking hand toward the man he loved.
“Don’t you understand, Jenny? He’s there because of me. He’s there because I drove him to this. The least I can do is be there for him while he fights for life instead of deciding what pie to eat!”
“Apple, whipped cream,” Jenny said softly.
“What?” Gibbs looked at her, confused.
“What pie you’re eating. And you will eat, Jethro. None of us can deal with the emotion of losing our leader, and make no mistake about it, you lead these men and women.” She touched Gibbs again and protectiveness and jealousy threatened to strangle Tony. “You don’t get a choice. You lead them and you do it well. And they need you more than ever. Tony will need you for a long time to come. McGee…you’re his mentor, Abby’s lost without you. Agent Lee is coming into her own as an agent, but she’s still green. And Ziva trusts nobody more.”
She arched an eyebrow at him.
“Just waiting for how I’ve impacted you and Ducky,” he replied, his voice raspy with what Tony imagined being unshed tears.
“You know,” Jen replied and Tony saw a softness in her expression that she rarely showed anyone to witness.
“Guess I do,” Gibbs replied. He stayed silent as Jen ordered the pie but as it was delivered, he spoke again.
“Who else knew how he felt, Abbs? That he was taking these chances?”
“Because of you.” Tony winced at the accusatory tone in Abby’s voice.
“Yeah, because of me. Because of me!” Jen rested a hand on Gibbs’ forearm but he shook it off, continuing to speak in an agitated voice. “Who else knew? Who else could have stopped him? Who else had the knowledge to stop him from getting into that situation, Abby?”
Tears overflowed, little rivers of mascara staining her cheeks and Tony fought the urge to hold her tight. Why was Gibbs being such a bastard? Tony knew he was worried but he didn’t have to push Abby like he was.
Abby shook her head, soft sobs filling the silence and then finally spoke in halting bursts of sound. “Nobody else. He wouldn’t have told anyone. Maybe Ducky suspected, but nobody else knew, Gibbs. Not like I knew…”
“Why didn’t ya stop him, Abbs? Why didn’t ya tell him to come to me?”
Abby’s eyes widened then and a hint of outrage crept into her features. “You, Gibbs? What was he supposed to say? How would you have reacted if he told you he was in love with you? Huh? I don’t think you’d have grabbed him and rammed your tongue down his throat, now would you? You’re a Marine, you’re as hetero and vanilla as they come. You would have kicked his ass or fired him or both and he couldn’t risk that.”
Tony was impressed with how Abby was standing firm with Gibbs.
“I might have surprised ya, Abbs but we’ll never know now. And Tony…” He shook his head and Tony saw genuine regret in his boss’ eyes. Gibbs started to say more but his cell phone rang and Tony could just sit there watching until he faded away back into his own body.
Saved by the ring, Gibbs thought before his heart started racing. What if it was about Tony? What if he’d taken a turn? “Yeah, Gibbs,” he said into the phone, reaching across and squeezing Abby’s hand.
“Boss? It’s McGee. Any news?” McGee sounded an interesting blend of vulnerable and authoritative, something Gibbs had never seen blended in McGee before. He was coming into his own as not only an agent but a man.
“Not yet, McGee. He’s sedated, still not out of danger. Any news on the investigation?”
Gibbs listened as McGee explained that they had a potential eyewitness, that Richmond vice was cooperating and were sending someone undercover. He could have gotten the information from Jen but McGee was part of the team and he wanted it from his own agent.
“How’s Lee fitting in?” he finally asked when McGee slowed down. “Do you need anyone else? You and Ziva doing okay?”
“I…yes.” There was the stammer again. Gibbs hadn’t missed McGee’s uncertainty. Tony was the heart of the team and Gibbs was being a fool to pretend otherwise.
“McGee, get Lee and Ziva and go on speaker phone.”
He looked down, noticing that a piece of pie mounded in whipped cream had appeared and he speared a bite, chewing but not tasting it, appeasing Jenny. He didn’t have the strength to fight this war on multiple fronts.
“Got ‘em, Boss.” McGee’s voice over the speakerphone was a little tinny.
“Ziva, Lee, McGee, the best thing you can do for Tony right now is nail these dirtbags. He’s fighting, he’s got more strength than anyone would have imagined. But he needs us now. He needs us to find the answers for him. It doesn’t get any more personal than this. I know it’s hard but you need to focus. For him. Can I depend on you?”
“Yes, Gibbs,” Ziva spoke first, her tone softer than he’d ever heard it. “Please give him our prayers. And let him know that the dirtbags will be dealt with.” Ah, there was the steel in her voice again.
“Lee?” He barely knew this agent, couldn’t even remember her first name. Mandy? Martha? Melissa? But she’d worked under Tony when he was away and even though she’d transferred to Legal, Gibbs knew she wanted to become a permanent field agent. This would be good training as long as she didn’t screw anything up.
“I’ll do my best, Special Agent Gibbs.”
“Good. Good work, Lee. McGee? Take me off speakerphone.” What he had to say to McGee was for his ears only. When he heard the click, he spoke again. “You and me, we’ve been here before, but we’re not repeating it. Don’t get lost in the past, Tim.” He swallowed hard. “Tony and I are counting on you to lead this team, McGee. I know you can do it.”
“Yes, Boss.” McGee’s voice shook with emotion.
“Gonna pass you over to Abby,” Gibbs said on impulse. As soon as he handed Abby the phone, he signed to her that he was going back to the hospital. She’d return his phone to him there.
Jenny came along with him, tucking her hand into the crook of his arm and barely keeping up with his hurried strides. He needed to rally Tony too, the urgency to be close by almost overwhelming him. As soon as he hit the front doors of the hospital, he turned to Jen. “A gallon of double strength coffee and a gallon of Caf Pow for Abbs. Make it happen.”
She turned to go and he touched her arm. “Thanks, Jen.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll arrange for it to be delivered and then I’m going back to the command center.”
He nodded, striding for the elevator and Tony.
“No change, Jethro,” Ducky informed him as he walked up to Tony’s room. “He’s still unconscious.”
“That’s fine. I’m sitting with him though.”
“Oh, Jethro.” Ducky sighed. “You’ve only been gone an hour.”
“And that was enough. I ate, even had some apple pie. Now I need to be back here. This is where I belong. He needs me.”
Ducky sighed heavily. “We all do, Jethro. We all do.”
“Him most of all.” Gibbs pushed into the room and took a seat at Tony’s bedside. The younger man was essentially bandaged nearly head to toe, the feet and hands the most thickly covered. They wouldn’t even be able to begin surgery until Tony was stable and Gibbs knew that time was of the essence, especially when it came to repairing Tony’s hands.
“Gonna have some rods and screws,” he remarked softly. “Gonna be able to tell ya you got a screw loose and mean it, Tony.” He chuckled softy.
“Didn’t come here to tell ya that, DiNozzo. We gotta talk though. I gotta talk.” He let out another laugh, this one ironic, tinged with bitterness. “Praying it isn’t too late.” He sighed, shaking his head, trying to gather his thoughts.
“You know I’m bottled up. This isn’t easy. And seeing you here…unnatural. Not right. Shouldn’t be so damn still.” Gibbs studied Tony’s face, one of the unbruised areas of his body. They’d concentrated on body blows instead of damaging his face.
He rested his hand on Tony’s collarbone again, stroking the skin there in small circles, very aware of the intimacy of the gesture. “I’m an investigator and I never knew. If I’d known, we would have talked about it. Figured it out. Uncharted territory for me.” He’d never known anyone to have a crush on him. Was that what it was though? He and DiNozzo had worked side by side for seven years. He’d never kept another agent that long. Burley had only lasted five.
“Always knew you had feelings for me, thought it was more father-figure/mentor stuff though. Not…this.”
Gibbs had been in a coma"twice"and he knew that people could hear or at lease sense what was going on. He had to address this, even if he didn’t know what it meant to him or how to process it. His feelings and confusion weren’t important. DiNozzo was.
“Not mad, DiNozzo. Never mad. It’s okay that you’re attracted to me. And if it’s more, like Abby said, well, that’s okay too. Not mad at you, Tony. It’s gonna be okay. Don’t ever want you taking chances like this again, ya hear me?”
He glanced up at the heart monitor, noting that the rate had jumped a couple of beats a minute. Nothing major, but it was curious.
“Whatever you’re doing, Jethro, keep at it.” He looked up, seeing Ducky had come in. “I think he’s responding the only way he knows how.”
“Thanks, Duck.” He shooed the other man out, scooting his chair closer, hoping some part of Tony knew that he was here, suspecting some part of Tony was aware of everything he was saying and the sentiment behind it.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, lingering at his upper lip, glancing off to the right for a second while he searched for the words. “Not a feelings guy, DiNozzo, but these are special circumstances. You gotta know that I wouldn’t want anyone else on my six. Gotten used to having you around.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Need you on my team. In my life.”
At some point he’d stood and the last words were whispered against the bandages swathing DiNozzo’s forehead, his lips touching the gauze in a near kiss.
He sniffed once before he rammed down the emotion swirling in his gut and lumping in his throat. He’d already cried tonight, in front of his team. It was a mistake he wouldn’t make again. They didn’t need him to be weak right now.
“Fight this, DiNozzo. Never let the dirtbags win. You need a reason to fight? Do it for me. Help me figure out what the hell all of it means. Because I never had a guy feel this way before and I’m kinda at sea here. Let’s figure it out together.”
There was another slight change in the tone of the monitor and he looked up. The heart rate had jumped another couple of beats but was steady. Was he rallying? Were Gibbs’ words working?
“Can’t believe I just said that, Tony. But yeah, you get better, you and me’ll figure out what it all means. I’m not leaving. I’m on your six. I know how you feel and I’m not leaving. You don’t need to worry any more. Just rest and fight and heal.”
He might not have seen it if he hadn’t been only inches away from Tony’s face but as he studied the other man, the slight twitching of eyelids, the usual precursor to waking, caught his attention. He held his breath, not daring to move and it increased. Tony was trying to reach the surface.
Gibbs had no idea if this was a good or bad thing medically but he wasn’t a hypocrite. He wouldn’t tell Tony to fight and then encourage him to go deeper. Five, maybe ten minutes later, he wasn’t even too shocked when one hazy green eye blinked open, awareness shining for a split second. Awareness and something deeper, something Gibbs could only identify as love and affection.
“Welcome back, DiNozzo,” he whispered as the medical personnel streamed in. He knew in his gut that Tony had turned the corner.
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