"Secret Santa?!"
"Secret SANTA?"
"SECRET SANTA?"
"Wow."
Abby looked at the faces surrounding her. Two seemed speechless, the other four were gaping at her.
Gibbs recovered the quickest.
"Abs, maybe this isn't the bes--"
"Gibbs, I've thought it over. We're going to do Secret Santa, and we're going to do it good, man. We never do anything for the holidays! And I really, really, REALLY want to do it. Please?"
She batted her eyelashes at him and attempted a sweet face.
Gibbs heaved a great sigh.
"I'm in."
Ziva shrugged.
"I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm a --"
"TOO BAD!" roared Abby.
Looking slightly frightened, the remaining five affirmed their participation with quiet murmurs.
Abby rocked back on her heels, and then forward on her toes, hands clenched in the perfect facade of innocence.
"Okay, guys, so here's how it works. You reach in, and pick a name. If it's yours, put it back in and take another one. No telling or peeking, or trading. Get a present for the person whose name is on the slip and bring it in next Friday. It's not really going to be anonymous, because we'll tell each other at the end, but oh well. Oh, yeah. There's no maximum price, but you have to have spent at least ten bucks. Well, dollars. Because ten bucks is like...ten male deer. And we wouldn't want to trade ten male deer. Because they would be smelly. Most guys are. And--"
"Abby!"
"Sorry, Gibbs. So, yeah. That's how it works. Got it? GOOD. Yay! This is going to be so much fun! I'm so excited!"
Abby held out a satiny top hat with folded slips of paper inside.
"A hat?" Tony asked, amused.
"Yes, a hat. ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY HAT?"
Tony paled and backed away a few steps, attempting to hide behind Ziva, who, in a split second, had him on the ground with a foot in his mouth.
"Dinozzo, off the ground!"
"Yes, boss. Can you just get Ziva to move away?" he asked around the shoe.
Gibbs gestured weirdly to Ziva, who moved away from Tony long enough for him to struggle to an upright position.
Rather than look daunted, Abby held the hat out to Ziva.
"Ladies first, Ziva!"
Biting her lip, Ziva reached in and grabbed a slip. She looked at all the people standing around her, checked to make sure no one was peeking, and carefully unfolded her slip.
She raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"Oh, yeah. This is going to stone."
No one bothered to correct her.
McGee was next, and he visibly quivered as the hat neared him.
Abby smiled sweetly.
"Your turn, Timmy!"
He gingerly plucked a piece of paper from the hat. Opening it, he turned white and attempted to drop it back in.
"No re-pickies, Probie!" Tony said, smirking.
McGee's brow furrowed as he stared at the paper, looking fairly constipated.
Abby moved towards Tony. He cocked an eyebrow, and nonchalantly picked a slip out of the hat. Opening it recklessly, his expression jumped from politely disinterested to disbelief. he pinched himself once, then shrieked loudly.
"SO THERE IS A GOD! THIS IS TOO GOOD. TOO GOOD. OH, OH, OH. THIS IS TOOOO GOOD."
"Just a little louder, Dinozzo. All we want is for Vance to think we're having a orgy in here, right?" Gibbs aimed at the airborne womanizer.
"Sorry, boss."
Once Tony had returned to the circle, looking very pleased, eyes half-shut, Gibbs stretched an arm back, and smashed it into the back of Tony's head, full-force.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"
"Okay, Ducky, it's your turn."
Ducky put on a brave face. He attempted to reach into the hat, but was unable to grab a paper.
"A little lower, Abby?"
She lowered the hat to his arm-level and he snatched a random slip out of the four remaining.
"Well, this ought to be...interesting..."
"Who wants to go next?" she asked.
Palmer stepped forth and gazed into her eyes.
"I'll go next, Abby."
She shrugged and held out the hat.
"Sure!"
He continued to stare into her eyes. She stared right back with a what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-just-pick-a-slip look in her eyes, but he didn't seem to get the hint.
"Jimmy?" she asked.
"Yes, Abby?"
"PICK A PIECE OF PAPER!"
He blushed a little.
"Whatever you say, baby."
"Excuse me?!"
"ABBY! I SAID ABBY!"
Gibbs slapped the back of his head for good measure.
Palmer reached in and took a slip. He looked at it and turned a purple-red color that could put a bruised tomato to shame.
Abby moved along to Gibbs.
"Wait, bab-Abby! I SAID ABBY!"
Abby turned back to Palmer.
"Yes?"
"I...uh...got my own name."
"And?"
"I...need to...uh...pick again?"
"Yes?"
"Please?"
His eyes took on the look of a lovesick puppy as she sighed and walked back to him.
He put his hand back into the hat and dropped the original piece of paper and picked up another one.
Abby walked towards Gibbs again.
"Abby?"
Abby huffed and turned to Palmer.
"Yes, Jimmy."
He held up the slip of paper.
"YES, JIMMY?!"
He looked even happier that she had yelled at him.
"Can I pick again? I got my name...again."
She rolled her eyes and held her hand out for the paper. He placed it into her palm, visibly melting when their fingers came in contact with one another.
She held the hat out to him and let him pick one of the two remaining papers.
He did, and everyone sighed with relief when he didn't blush a third time. He pushed his glasses up with two fingers and ran his fingers through his hair.
"Well."
Abby shrugged and walked towards Gibbs. She dropped the paper with Palmer's name on it back in and held out the hat with a flourish.
"Finally," Gibbs muttered.
He reached in and grabbed a paper. He stole a quick glance at it, and then flashed on of those rare smiles that lit up his face.
Abby returned the gesture, and then grabbed the remaining paper.
"Of course..."
She turned to the rest of the unit and grinned at them
"Get shopping, guys!"
And she flounced off, leaving the six people behind her slightly bewildered.
~~
"Guys! Ohmygosh, guys, today is FRIDAY! Which means presents! I love presents! Unless they have nasty stuff inside them...But still! Presents!"
Gibbs materialized in a corner.
"Abs, maybe you should calm down a little. Who knows? Maybe Tony got your name, and your present is going to be the next issue of Playboy..."
"Or maybe McGeek got your name, and your present is going to be a long, unintelligible stream of HTML coding that, when viewed as a webpage, looks like a present..."
Tony leaned back in his chair, satisfied with his comeback. Ziva very innocently rose from her seat and stood behind Tony. She placed a hand on his chair and nimbly tipped it backwards, effectively damaging the back of Tony's skull as he disappeared under his desk with a loud THUD.
Gibbs gave her the thumbs up.
"Okay, Gibbs, Tony, Ziva. I called Ducky up so he and Palmer should be here in the next few minutes."
And with that, the elevator DiNG-ed, and out popped Palmer and Ducky, each holding a not-so-well wrapped gift.
Abby motioned for them to set the presents on the folding table that sat in the aisle, looking about ready to collapse just from the scanty weights of the lumpy packages atop it.
"Yay! We're all here! Okay, so we're going to start the presents in the order that the names were picked. So Ziva here will open her present first."
Ziva walked over to the presents, looking at each tag. When she found the one with her name on it, she picked it up and looked at Abby expectantly.
"Open it!"
And Ziva attacked it with the ferocity of a tiger ripping open its dinner. The guts of the poor wrapping paper flew across the room; the pink bow that was attached to the present landed on Gibbs's head, leaving him mildly irritated.
When the debris settled, all was quiet as Ziva uncovered the pink-and-magenta-striped gift bag.
The silver print on the side foreshadowed what was to come.
Every one of the participants had their eyes glued on Ziva, faces in various states of disbelief.
And she stuck her hand into the bag, and drew out...
...the skimpiest bra-and-thong set McGee had ever, and probably would ever, set his eyes on.
Her eyes grew wider and wider, until they were surely going to pop out of her face, but they stayed in. She slowly turned to Tony, who was snickering quietly.
"How. The funk. Do you know. My. BRA SIZE?!"
No one bothered to tell her that funk and fuck weren't the same thing.
"36B? Not so hard to figure out, Ziva. And...well...I have...you know...experience."
And with that, he waggled his eyebrows, leaving everyone utterly speechless.
At the look Gibbs was giving him, he invented a different story.
"I mean, well, a woman of your stature should be a 34A, but, I mean, judging from the way you look in a bikin--"
And that was all they heard from him before Ziva tackled him.
In less than a second, she had him pinned and he had a black eye and what appeared to be a broken nose.
"MERCY!" He squeaked nasally, and Gibbs gestured for Ziva to rise.
She quickly grabbed the bra and thong, and wrapped them around Tony's eyes and neck before he could call for sanctuary.
She stood, straightened her clothes, and walked back to her position, utterly dignified.
Abby whispered a quiet 'You go, girl!' and then called the next person to recieve their gift.
Namely McGee.
He paced around the table several times before finding the envelope that had his name on it.
"Probie got the smallest present 'cause no one likes him," Tony whispered to no one in particular.
McGee analyzed the envelope carefully, squashing the contents several times, and then squinting, un-squinting, and re-squinting his eyes at it.
"DAMN IT, MCGEE, OPEN THE PRESENT!" Gibbs yelled.
"Channeling Gibbs, Channeling Gibbs, CHANNELING GIBBS...YAAAAAH!" Tony screeched as he took a flying jump at McGee and attempted to slap the back of his head.
And when he stood up, he was targeted.
"Aaaaaaahwwww! What was that for, Boss?"
"That's my job, Dinozzo."
Tony left it at that and scampered back to his desk with the air of a wounded animal.
McGee took the opportunity to slide a finger under the seal and slit open the envelope.
In it was a sheet of paper with writing on it and a blue hyperlink at the bottom of the page. McGee began reading it to himself.
Within seconds, he punched the air with a loud "WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!" noise that made every agent in a 50 foot radius turn and stare.
Gibbs folded his arms.
"Care to explain, Probie?"
""I HAVE A DAAAA-ATE, I HAVE A DA-ATEEE, I HAVE A DA-ATE AND TONY, TONY, TONY DOESN'T! OH YEAH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!"
The rest of the team looked on in mild repulsion as McGee's overlarge bottom jiggled in rhythm to the song he was singing.
Tony looked fairly pissed off.
"McGeek over here has a date, and I, the handsome, charming, sweet, caring, bootylicious, ho-"
Gibbs interrupted him with a smack to the back of his head.
"--amazing Anthony Dinozzo don't have one? There's something funky going on. PRESENT GIVER: REVEAL YOURSELF!"
Ducky stepped forward with a pleased expression on his face. "See, it was simple. Tim needed a date, and I got him one. I set up an online dating account with some help from a few friends, snapped a few pictures, wrote a few love poems, and BOOM!, instant date. I wish you the best, Timmy. Just...use the other presents, okay?"
McGee was too busy happy-dancing to hear him, so Tony walked over and dumped out the rest of the contents of the envelope.
Onto the clean carpet fell a breath-spray, KY brand Yours and Mine, and a pack of Trojan condoms.
Ziva choked on her laughter, and Tony turned redder.
"What makes you think that he's this size? I'm not even that bi--" he stopped himself from confessing anything embarrassing. "Never mind size; what makes you think any self-respecting woman wants geek sperm in them? They don't even want mi--" And again, he stopped himself.
Everyone sighed.
"Dinozzo. You're next. Go find your present." Gibbs said, looking impatient.
Tony walked over to the table. The package with his name on it was fairly heavy.
"See, I got a nice, big present. People just...love me, you know? I'm just such a sweetheart..."
Ziva smiled a very sneaky smile.
Tony began to unwrap the present, taking his own sweet time. In about a minute, a large, yellow, cube-shaped object appeared from the wrapping.
“A phonebook? A phonebook?! Whatttt?!”
“Well, it is a good present, if you think about it. All of the pretty girls in town have their numbers in this book, so you can call up any one of them at any moment using your…” She motioned to the book, “…Handy-dandy overlarge phone book!”
“I wasted so much cash on that lingerie set, primarily because I wanted to visualize you in i"I mean because it looked comfortable, and you get me a PHONEBOOK?! That’s not cool, Ziva. Not cool at all.”
“Open the rest of the present, Tony,” Ziva sighed.
He dug deeper into the wrapping paper and found a crumpled poster of Scarlett Johansen.
“OHMYGAWSH ZIVA! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A MEGACRUSH ON SCARLETT?!”
“A poster of her was right next to the one of me in a bikini.”
“Oh.”
[this was around the time I started rushing.]
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, during which Kevin-Chris was born. Yes, the author knows this creates a plot hole. And she couldn’t give a flying funk, in the words of her fictional Ziva. Moving along.
“So who goes next?” Abby inquired.
“I believe I do ABBY,” said Ducky, who had remained mostly silent for the past gawd-knows-how-long.
He walked around the table until he found a long, oddly-shaped package.
“Is it just me, or does this bear a rather unfortunate resemblance to a male sexual organ?” He blurted in his sophisticated accent.
Judging from the look on Tony’s rather red face, it did.
Feeling rather repulsed, Ducky began taking the package apart. He tried not to think about what it seemed that he was truly doing.
When all of the wrapping paper was removed, he held up his present.
“A skeleton? Well, it’s rather amusing, I guess. I shall hang it up at once in autopsy. Thank you very much.”
“You’re very welcome, dear friend!” cried the skeleton in a voice reminiscent of Achmed the dead terrorist.
“OH DEAR ME! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! HOW IS THIS SKELETON SPEAKING?!” Ducky screeched.
“Well, I"” Palmer was interrupted by McGee clearing his throat very loudly.
“I wanted to give you a talking skeleton for Christmas so I found a Halloween store and bought one, and got McGee to help me set the voice-activation to your voice only.”
“Well,” Ducky looked extremely flustered. “Thank you very much, Mr. Palmer. I will see to it that he is placed in a very good spot. He may taking some getting used to, but I daresay we will get along finely!”
And at that, Achmed-clone shrieked “I KILL YOU!!!”.
Ducky raised his eyebrows. “Would you mind if I leave, ABBY? I think I may have to get used to this…thing.” He gestured wildly towards Achmed.
Abby nodded and he picked Achmed up and began to talk to him in dulcet, yet strained tones, much like a kindergarten teacher talks to her problem student. He walked off towards the elevator, Palmer in tow.
Gibbs stepped forward towards the table. After taking a second to scan the remaining packages, he found the black one with his name on it. He looked at Abby for a signal, and she nodded furiously back at him.
He swiftly ripped the present open, lifting out a large coffee-maker.
“Thanks? Who gave me this?” Gibbs questioned, looking mildly pleased.
“I did, sir.” McGee declared loudly.
“And how am I supposed to use this?”
“Well, you just have to remember that red goes to blue goes to green, goes to yellow goes to purple, goes to black.”
“Come again, McGee?”
“Here, boss, I can do it!” Tony shrieked, ever eager to please his boss. He launched himself through the air and latched himself onto the coffeemaker, setting it on the table and plugging it into a socket in one fell swoop.
“Careful, Tony, careful! It’s a highly fragile device, not meant to be manhandled!” McGee cried desperately.
“Of course, McGoogly!” Tony screeched over his shoulder.
McGee tensed, sensing what was to come.
“Okay, so, Dinozzo how does this work?” Gibbs asked, his arms crossed.
“Well, see, boss, you have to push this…” He continued to press most of the buttons on the machine. “And then you need to push that…” And he pushed another few buttons, until the machine began to beep repeatedly.
“Aaah!” Tony gasped, and began pushing buttons more fervently than ever before.
The machine began to smoke, and McGee’s eyebrows rose past his hairline.
“You…imbecile! I told you to be careful! Ohmygosh!”
He sprinted to the machine and his lean fingers reached for the coffee-maker, but not quick enough: in just a few seconds, the entire machine blew to pieces, casting flying shrapnel all throughout the room.
The team ducked just barely in time to avid being pierced.
“DINOZZO!” Gibbs shouted, brandishing his slap-happy hand, and Tony ran, cowering, from the room.
“Sorry, boss.” McGee hung his head. “I should have known better.”
Gibbs shook his head. “It’s fine. Thanks, McGee, for the thought. Dinozzo will pay.”
Abby stepped forward.
“Anyway, it’s my turn now! YAY! I’m going to have so much fun! Yay! Woohoo!”
She walked down the table, looking at the two remaining presents. She picked the box up and found a $50 gift card to Wawa.
“Ohmygosh! Thanks, Gibbs! I LOVE CAF-POW!”
“Anytime, Abs.”
“How did she know it was Gibbs’s present?” McGee whispered to Ziva. She turned to him and cocked an eyebrow.
“Do you really wish to know?” she asked, all-too innocently.
His eyes widened and he shook his head fearfully.
Abby sifted through the tissue paper to find a collar.
“A collar? Well, it’s a little big for my neck…But thanks for the thought, I guess?” Abby shrugged and smiled at Gibbs, looking slightly confused.
He smiled sweetly at her. “Abby? Don’t freak out, okay? But I went over to the landlord’s house, and…uh…intimidated him a little…and…I have something for you! Or rather…someone!”
“Ehwhat?” Abby inquired in the most Amoeba-like fashion.
“Here…” Gibbs disappeared behind a cubicle for a moment and returned…
With the sweetest, most ADORABLE puppy that Abby had ever seen.
“Oh, Gibbs…Oh, you didn’t. Oh, oh, OHHHHHHHH!” She cried, swooning. She regained her balance after a moment and threw herself at Gibbs. He caught her in bridal position and she gave him a hug that came close to strangling him. Strangely, he was okay with that. She kissed his cheeks fiercely, and just as it seemed he was about to return the favor, jumped out of his arms and tackled the puppy. It licked her face for a few moments, then seemed content to sit on her lap. It was a tiny German shepherd, no older than 2 months, and no more than 5 pounds.
“I’m going to name you Jethro!” Abby yelped.
“I already…am Jethro?” Gibbs said uncertainly.
“NO, SILLY! MY BEAUTIFUL PUPPY! HE’S SO SWEEEET! OH BABY!” Abby cried.
Gibbs smiled, basking in the glow of Abby’s happiness.
After a few minutes of playing with her beautiful new puppy, Abby realized that the game needed to continue.
“Hey, Gibbs, could you get Jimm--”
“Right here, Abby!” Palmer panted, appearing out of nowhere. “If you call me, I’ll come to you!”
“It’s your turn, Jimmy.”
He nodded once, caught his breath, and then grabbed the last remaining present from the table.
He spent a few seconds attempting to open it, and when he finally succeeded, almost lost his grip on it. After catching it, he cradled it for a second.
He took a peek inside and turned paper white.
His eyes widened past normality.
They began to bulge out of their sockets.
“What’s in it, Palmer?” McGee asked, slightly alarmed.
“Oh…”
Palmer crumpled to the floor with a painful-sounding thump.
All eyes left his fallen body to turn to Abby, who was grinning from ear to ear.
“Oh, yeah.”
“What’s in that thing?” McGee asked again.
“It’s a--”
Palmer rose up quickly and grabbed the package, looking to see if anyone had noticed anything.
He glanced again at the package, turned white once more, and sprinted out of the building as fast as his little fat legs could carry him.
“Oooooooookay, then,” Ziva said, frowning.
Suddenly, Gibbs, McGee, and Ziva realized what a mess the entire building was in because of them.
“Secret Santa, she says.” Ziva grumbled.
“Never again,” Gibbs mumbled.
Author's Chapter Notes:
...Abby forces the team into doing Secret Santa. Horror and humor ensue...(: ""How. The funk. Do you know. My. BRA SIZE?!"
No one bothered to tell her that funk and fuck weren't the same thing."
No one bothered to tell her that funk and fuck weren't the same thing."