Regrets: Tony’s
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; it is the property of its respective creators.
Spoilers: For all seasons, including season six.
Thinking about regrets was something Tony DiNozzo avoided doing. In his experience, if he let himself think about them, he would never find a way out of the darkness. Darkness that tried to regularly consume him, and was coming closer and closer to succeeding.
The idea he was a failure had been drilled into his head by his Father since he could walk. No one in his family ever told him they were proud of him; expect his Mother and she had died young. They had no reason to tell him such a thing, for they weren’t proud of him. After Lillian Paddington DiNozzo died, Tony had no one to prevent him from taking this idea to heart. For even if Lillian had had quite a few screws loose, having drank his sea monkeys and made him dress up like a sailor, she was his Mother and she had loved him. None of the other women his Father had married had matched up to her. Everyone he had ever cared for, like his Mother, had ended up hurt or dead.
Dear sweet Kate, cunning, smart-aleck Kate, his dear friend. Katie, who had stayed by his side throughout him having the plague. The friend who could make him laugh after a long day with Gibbs. The one he had told on more then one occasion that he would jump in front of a bullet for. If only he had, Kate would be alive, he would be spared this misery, and everyone would be happy.
Paula Cassidy, the blonde haired, blue-eyed NCIS Agent had been beautiful, sassy, smart, and incredibly brave. He had been attracted to her from the moment they met at Guantanamo Bay. She had never been afraid to put him in his place. He remembered their last conversation. She had known something was different with him, different from the short time they were together. She was the one to tell him to go after the person he loved, you never know if it was your last chance. Minutes later, she had jumped in front of the bomb the terrorist was about to designate, the same terrorist who had killed her team. Sacrificing herself to save him and his teammates, and herself the guilt of living.
Jeanne Benoit, no matter what he had told her at the end, he had loved her. After that horrible day Paula was killed, he had told Jeanne he loved her. It may have started out as an assignment, but it evolved into much more. He had hated Jenny for a time, for making him choose between his family and this bright, loving woman. Though, she had turned on him fast when she found out he was really an NCIS Agent. She had told him to choose, but the day she accused him of her Father’s murder, he knew what choice he had to make. When she asked him if any of it had been real, he’d wanted so badly to tell her the truth of how he felt. He knew she would never move on if she knew he loved her, though. So, he broke her heart so it could heal, even if it had cost him his.
Director Jenny Sheppard had been a woman he at times both cared for and admired, and other times hated and had little respect for. She had been a good friend to him and an excellent director, and also someone who used him for her own personal agenda with no regard to how it would affect him. He knew she had been sorry about Jeanne, but he also knew she would have done it again if needed to settle whatever score she had with La Grenouille a.k.a. René Benoit. That didn’t make the fact that she was dead, and it was his fault, any easier to deal with. He should have listened to Ziva, should have gone after her. Then she would still be alive, the team wouldn’t have been split up, and he wouldn’t have spent the worst four months of his life on the U.S.S. Reagan. There was a tiny part of him, though, that understood why she did what she did, and was glad, even if things hadn’t gone so well afterwards, that she went the way she wanted to, in a blaze of Glory.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison Officer. He admitted he had been less then happy when Ari’s Control Officer was Kate’s replacement, another brilliant idea of Jenny Sheppard’s. In time he had come to like Ziva, more then he should. He had only recently realized what he felt for her, the day he was forced away from her. It figures that he’d only figure it out then. But now just like all the other times, he was too late. Ziva may be alive and within his physical reach, but nothing more. She had a boyfriend, Michael Rifkin, scum though he may be; it wasn’t Tony’s choice to make. So, he would watch her from afar; try to make sure no harm came to her, for even if he couldn’t have her, at least she was alive. In someone else’s arms, but alive.
Tony DiNozzo hated thinking about his regrets, but that didn’t mean he could ignore them. They were always there, in front of him, taunting him, never stopping, unable to be pushed to the side. No matter how much he wanted them to go away. But, since when did he ever get what he wanted?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony DiNozzo has a lot of regrets, and, like memories, they’re haunting him.
Chapter End Notes:
Author’s Note: Tony knows Ziva is dating Michael, and suspects he is up to no good, but is not planning to do anything about it, meaning he did not kill Michael! This is A.U., because of what happened in the season finale.