**Chapter Nineteen -- All I Need**
**Three Months Later -- December 12, 2009 -- Tony's Apartment**
Ziva laid on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as Tony slept next to her. She rolled onto her side and curled up next to her lover of 3 months, taking in his scent as she rested her head against his shoulder.
He tried so hard to hide things about himself, like the fact that he was questioning whether or not he really wanted this relationship. She sensed his hesitancy to get close to her, especially when Abby was around.
Things between them were strained, to say the least. It seemed to her that the Italian was always one foot out the door, as she assumed he had been with his other relationships. Jeanne, it seemed, had been the exception. He had truly loved her, and Ziva suspected that it was only after everything had fallen apart with her that he truly realized what he had been feeling for Abby all those years.
She closed her eyes tightly, willing the tears that she felt building behind her brown eyes to disappear. She knew what her options were. Having been in Mossad for the whole of her adult life, she knew what it was like to make difficult decisions based on what was best for herself, for the mission at hand.
This wasn't like any decision she had made before. It was forcing her to take feelings into account that weren't her own, feelings she had no control over. It made the choice harder, but ultimately, she knew that it was for the best.
She sniffled as a rogue tear slipped down her cheek and dripped onto the older man's bare chest, the cold drip making him shift on the bed.
"Baby?" Tony mumbled, turning to face Ziva as he opened his eyes sleepily and studied her. "Y'okay?"
She wiped her eyes quickly, glad that it was still dark in the bedroom. "I am fine." She said, trying to keep her voice as even as possible. "I cannot sleep."
"Mmm..." He nodded, pulling her close to him and pressing a kiss to her lips. "C'mere."
"Tony, really, this is unnecessary. I am capable..." She stopped, half-heartedly pulling away from him as he moved his arms around her slim waist.
He smiled sleepily, burying his nose in her hair. "Jus' relax." He whispered, beginning to rub her back gently.
Ziva followed his instructions and relaxed against his fingers as he massaged her lower back, finding herself falling asleep only moments later. They slept tangled around each other, not willing to think about what the next day held in store for them.
**The Next Morning**
Sitting up in the empty bed, Ziva ran a hand over her tired face, brushing the hair out of her eyes. Despite the fact that she'd allowed Tony's relaxing touch to lull her to sleep the night before, she hadn't slept well, her mind working all night long.
She climbed from the bed, stumbling slightly as she wiped the sleep from her eyes before she made her way out to the living room.
Glancing up at the sound of her footsteps against the floor, Tony offered the Israeli a sleepy smile. "Mornin'." He greeted, patting the space beside him in invitation.
"Good morning." She responded quietly, making her way over to him. Sinking down on the couch, she tensed slightly as he dropped his arm around her shoulder before she relaxed, allowing him to draw her into his embrace.
"What are we doing, Tony?" She asked after a moment, her eyes never leaving the television.
"Uh...watching a movie?"
Turning to face him, she could feel the tears beginning to form behind her eyes again. "That is not what I am referring to."
Tony looked down at her curiously, noting the conflicted look on her face. "What's the matter, Zee?"
She picked up the remote and paused their movie, turning her body to better face him as they sat on the couch. "Tony...I..." She reached out and took his hand in hers. "We need to talk."
"What's the matter?" He asked, squeezing her hand reassuringly.
Ziva took a deep breath, figuring it was for the best if she just told him without hesitation. "I do not think we should see each other anymore."
"I...um, wait. Did I do something wrong?"
"No. Tony...we have been seeing each other since I came back three months ago, and you cannot tell me that you are truly happy."
Tony gaped, unsure of what to say. "Of course I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be? Everything's been going great."
"What are you talking about?" Ziva asked, feeling herself beginning to get angry. She took another deep breath, calming herself down before she spoke again. "Have we been in the same relationship, Tony?"
She watched as he shifted somewhat uncomfortably on the couch. "So, you know what I am talking about then?" She asked. "I care very deeply about you, and while I had hoped that we would work out...it is clear that is not going to happen."
"Ziva, I..."
The Israeli pressed a finger to his lips and smiled sadly at him. "It is unfair of me to take advantage of your guilt over what happened to Michael. You are clearly unhappy, and it is not helping either of us to continue pretending."
The Italian looked into her eyes and felt a piece of his heart breaking. He had never meant to hurt her, but that was what he had done.
"I'm not unhappy, Ziva. I..." He hesitated slightly. "I love you."
She smiled sadly at him. "Yes. As a partner and a friend. But not as a lover, Tony." Leaning closer to him, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I think we both know you would rather be with someone else."
His face fell as he realized how transparent he had been. He had done everything he knew how in order to give himself and Ziva a fair shake. He had hardly seen Abby outside of work since the day in her lab when she told him that he needed to figure things out with Ziva.
"I'm sorry, Zee." He mumbled, unable to meet her eyes.
Taking his cheek in her hand, she made eye contact with him and frowned. "There is nothing for you to apologize for. We cannot help who we love, and the truth is, I do not know that I would change it if I could. You should talk to Abby."
She stood, stepping into the bedroom and changing before rejoining him as he stood against the counter in the kitchen. "Think about it, yes? You both deserve happiness." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek again. "I will see you at work on Monday."
She headed for the door, slipping on her shoes and walking into the hallway, closing the door behind her. She released a breath, ignoring the dull ache in her chest. She walked to the elevator and climbed on before she could change her mind, leaving him behind.
When the doors closed she pulled out her cell phone and dialed Abby's phone number.
"Hello, Abby?" She said, smiling sadly when the Forensic Specialist answered the phone. "I was wondering if perhaps you would like to meet up for lunch today."
**An Hour Later -- Cafe Milano**
Ziva smiled when she saw Abby's hearse pull into the small parking lot just to the side of the restaurant as she sat at the table in the front window. She continued to watch as she climbed out of the car, dressed in her heavy red parka with the hood up as she traipsed through the snow.
"Hey Ziva!" She called, walking into the cafe and wrapping the Israeli in a hug. "How's everything going?"
"Fairly well, I would say. Considering." She replied, taking a sip of her tea as Abby sat down across from her. "How have you been?"
"I'm good, getting my apartment ready for Christmas. Bradley, Britty and Jack are coming up this year."
"Oh. That is good, you do not get to see them very often, yes?"
Abby studied her friend for a moment before answering. "No, I don't get to see them nearly enough. What's the matter, Ziva? Something's bothering you."
"I...ended things with Tony this morning."
"You WHAT?" Abby cried, leaning forward. "Wh...he loves you, Ziva! You love him! What's the problem? I mean...there is a problem, right? You're not still holding the whole Rivkin thing against him, are you? Because you know that he feels terrible about that." She shook her head sadly. "I can't believe you just ended it! You two were so happy together."
Ziva chuckled dryly. "Are you finished, Abby?"
The young woman crossed her arms and sighed heavily. "Well, I guess."
"Yes, we love each other. One of us more so than the other." She sighed. "Tony was not content being with me. And that is the only thing that I want for him. I would like very much to see him truly happy for once." She smiled across the table at the Goth. "And I think I know what will make him happy."
Abby cocked her head to the side, confused. "What are you talking about, Ziva? Of course he was happy with you. He's been waiting for a chance with you since you started here."
"That may be. But it was misguided."
"You're nuts, Ziva." She scoffed. "He wants to be with you. Now, you go back to him and tell him you were wrong, that you were high this morning. I don't care what you tell him. You have to go back to him."
The Israeli smiled at her friend. "I cannot do that, Abby. You are both in denial. Do you not see the way he looks at you? You are *IT* for him, Abby! You always have been. It just took him awhile to figure it out."
"No, I'm not. I'm the friend, the little sister. Not the lover." She said. Ziva could hear the twinge of pain in the younger woman's voice. "He doesn't love me that way, Ziva."
Ziva frowned. "You really do not see it, do you? You do not see the way he looks at you? Or how when you are in the room, he cannot focus on anything else? *THAT* is love, Abby. Not the misplaced sense of obligation he feels toward me."
"No." She shook her head firmly. "I...we're just friends. I'm there when he needs someone to pick up the pieces. Nothing more than that."
"Do not deny yourself this, Abby. You will only hurt yourself more in the end."
She closed her eyes tightly, trying to prevent her tears from falling. "I...I have to go." She said, standing up and heading back to her hearse, pulling the heavy jacket tighter around her thin body. The last thing she wanted was for Ziva to see her crying.
Sliding into the driver's seat of the car, she wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. The day in her lab when she had told Tony to go and be with Ziva she had been hurting, but she knew it was the right thing to do. She remembered going home that night and crying, drinking half a bottle of vodka before finally falling asleep.
And then it started. Three months of awkward silences between them when they were alone, avoiding eye contact when others were around. They put a distance between themselves, hesitant to find out if they were capable of being 'just friends' anymore.
Wiping her eyes once again, she started the car and pulled away from the small cafe, driving absently with no particular destination in mind.
**2130 Hours -- Tony's Apartment**
Tony frowned into the amber liquid, wondering to himself why he had bothered dirtying a glass. He downed the contents and set the glass aside, his thoughts turning back to Abby and Ziva.
Leaning forward, he dropped his head to his hands, wondering how he'd managed to make such a mess of things.
He had always cared about Ziva, but everything she said had been right. He *had* felt responsible for a lot of things when it came to her, and in some misguided attempt at rectifying things, he'd only managed to screw them up even more.
Sitting back against the cushions, he ran a hand over his face. He knew what he needed to do. Ziva had given him an out, an opportunity to at least attempt to salvage his relationship with the one woman who had been a constant in his life, and he'd be damned if he was going to do her the disservice of screwing it up again.
He stood up and grabbed his keys off the table next to the door while he slipped on his shoes. Pulling on his leather jacket and a gray beanie, he headed downstairs with the intention to talk to Abby like Ziva had asked him to.
About a half an hour later, Tony pulled into a parking lot, stepping out of the car and scanning the area as well as he could in the dark. He had gone over to Abby's place, hoping to find her so that they could talk, but she hadn't been home.
After considering letting himself in to wait for her, he decided to check her favorite spot, a small playground on the top of a hill at Rock Creek Park. He shoved his hands into his pockets and headed up the hill, smiling sadly when he saw her bundled in her parka, sitting on a swing despite the snow.
"I was an idiot." He announced, stepping up and pushing her forward gently.
Abby tensed momentarily, relaxing when she recognized who it was. "Yeah, you were."
Tony smirked to himself, continuing to push her. "Think you can forgive me?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
She wiped a tear from her eye and smiled. "Are you done being an idiot?"
Tony stopped the swing, moving around it so that he was standing in front of her. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips, smiling against her when she reciprocated.
"I love you, Abby." He said, pulling her up from the swing and wrapping his arms around her.
"I love you too, Tony. I just wish it hadn't taken us so long to figure it out."
**Christmas Morning -- December 25, 2009 -- Abby's Apartment**
Tony ran his hand through Abby's hair gently, holding her close to him while she slept. He hadn't been able to go back to sleep after having gone to midnight mass with her, choosing instead to let his mind wander. He smiled, pulling the black satin sheet up over her shoulders as his fingers grazed her bare back.
He couldn't remember the last time he was as happy as he had been over the last two weeks. The relationship he had with Jeanne was perfect, but even that didn't make him as happy as being in bed with his Goth.
"T?" Abby mumbled, shifting against his chest. "You're still awake?."
"Mhmm."
She pulled back slightly and pressed her lips to his jaw. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"
He moaned quietly as she left a trail of kisses on his jawline. "You."
"Oh, really?" She grinned, finally reaching his lips. "What about me?"
The Italian rolled onto his side and pulled her close to him, running his hands over her bare skin. "How happy you make me. Sorry it took me so long to realize that."
Abby smiled, kissing him again. "I forgive you." She ran her hand down his chest slowly. "I'm just glad you finally grew a pair."
He grabbed her wrist and pinned her to the bed, grinning down at her. "Just 'cause I'm laying here naked doesn't mean you can grab me to prove your point."
"I thought you liked it when I touch you." She smirked playfully.
"Oh...trust me, I do." Leaning down, he kissed her hard. He moved his hand over her stomach lightly and he could feel her tremble under his touch. "You like it when I touch you too, I see."
Reaching up, she tangled her fingers in his hair, pulling him down for another kiss. She moaned as he pressed himself against her, growing hard against her thigh.
He broke the kiss after a moment, moving his lips down her neck slowly.
"Mmm..." She moaned quietly, grinding her hips against him as he moved his mouth lower, his tongue teasing her breasts.
"Oh yeah...you definitely like when I touch you." He smirked before he moved up, reclaiming her lips again.
Wrapping her arms around him, she scratched her nails down his back, grinning against his lips when she felt him shiver.
"As much...as I'm enjoying the touching, I'm ready for something else now." She mumbled.
"Oh yeah?" He asked, his voice husky.
"Mmhmm."
"Like what?"
Lifting her hips again, she rubbed herself against him. "Like that."
"Don't need to tell me twice." He mumbled, kissing her deeply as he slid into her.
Wrapping herself around him, Abby gripped his shoulders, a quiet gasp escaping her as he started to move slowly, teasing her. His lips attacked her neck, his teeth grazing her collar bone as she arched her back, her nails digging into his skin.
"H...harder..." She commanded, already slightly breathless.
She closed her eyes, lifting her hips to meet his movements as she moved her hands to the sheets. She gripped the fabric in her fingers, her moans growing louder and more desperate.
"Oh God..." He moaned as he moved faster, feeling her tighten around him. "So...fucking..."
She silenced him with her lips, her arms wrapping around his neck as she pulled him down to her again. He could feel himself getting closer with each passing second, his movements becoming frantic as they both neared the edge.
"T...Tony," she gasped. "S...so close."
His pace quickened as she tensed beneath him and a low, strangled moan escaped him as he felt himself lose it.
Collapsing on top of her, he dropped his face to her shoulder, both of them panting heavily as he tried to gather enough energy to move. Pulling her close to him as he slipped out of her, he reached over to the nightstand, picking up a small box wrapped in black and silver paper.
"Merry Christmas, Baby." Tony whispered, dropping a lazy kiss to her lips as their breathing evened out. He handed her the box, smiling as he watched her open it.
Abby's eyes lit up when she unwrapped the box and saw the necklace resting inside, a cross with black and white diamonds intertwined with each other. "Tony...it's gorgeous! It must have cost..."
He silenced her with another lazy kiss, leaning his forehead against hers. "It doesn't matter what it cost. It made me think of you, that's why I got it."
"Thank you. I love it." She smiled, setting the gift aside as she reached under the bed for a box covered in blue wrapping. "Merry Christmas."
He accepted the box and sat up, unwrapping the paper. "Abs...wow!" He exclaimed, opening the box and pulling out the Complete Bond Collection. "I've been looking for this everywhere!"
"You like it?"
"Are you kidding? I love it!" Setting the box aside, he kissed her again. "Thank you."
When they pulled apart from the kiss, the Goth climbed out of their bed and stretched before heading into the bathroom.
"We should get ready, T. Bradley and Britty are gonna be here soon with Jack." She called over her shoulder, turning on the water in the shower. She jumped in and showered quickly, stepping back into the bathroom wrapped in a towel. "Shower's all yours, Big Boy." She chuckled, slapping him on the butt as she walked by.
"Mmm..." He groaned, rolling off the bed. "Fine, fine. I'll get up." He mock-whined, heading into the bathroom to get ready as well.
After dressing, he headed into the kitchen where Abby was making pancakes and coffee, wrapping his arms around her. "I love you." He whispered, kissing her neck gently, making her giggle.
"I love you too. I put on 'Dr. No', thought we could watch it with everyone." She smiled, nudging him with her hip when she heard the knock at the door. "It's BB. Go get it?"
Tony nodded, releasing her and heading for the door. "Merry Christmas!" He greeted, allowing Abby's family to come inside.
"Merry Christmas, Tony." Britty greeted, kissing him on the cheek.
"You're here!" Abby called, running out of the kitchen and into her brother's arms. "I missed you guys!" She pulled back from Bradley and hugged her nephew Jack next. "Oh my God, you have gotten huge. Last time I saw you, you were a munchkin!"
"I'm one of the tallest in my class." Jack smiled, hugging Abby tightly.
Tony chuckled, mussing Jack's hair. "I bet you are, kid." He turned to Bradley and offered his hand. "Merry Christmas, man. Glad you guys finally made it up here."
The older man shook his hand, nodding. "Well, Jack's never seen the snow, and when I heard that you and my sister were finally getting together after all these years, I knew I didn't have a choice but to come up."
Tony's jaw tightened slightly, eyeing Abby and Britty as they moved into the kitchen to serve the pancakes. "Hey, Jack, there's an Xbox in the living room if you wanna play. Breakfast'll be ready in a few." He turned back to Bradley when Jack ran off, taking a deep breath. "I'm not gonna hurt her, Bradley. I love her."
"I know you do, Tony." Bradley sighed, clapping him on the shoulder. "But you know, I'm still her brother, and I will still kick your ass if you ever do. She's all I've got."
"Breakfast!" Abby called, setting the plate of pancakes on the table. "Come and get it!"
**Two Days Later -- Plane from DC to New Orleans**
"He had fun, huh?" Bradley asked his wife, looking over as their son slept, leaning against the window of the plane.
"He did. Tony helped him build a snow fort in Gibbs' backyard. We should come up here more often, you know. We don't get to see Abby enough."
He sighed. "Yeah, I know."
Britty smiled, taking her husband's hand in hers. "I know you're worried about her, Bradley, but didn't you see how happy she is with him?"
He nodded, squeezing her hand gently. "I do. And I want that for her, she deserves it."
"Then be happy for her, hon. Give him a break. They love each other, and no one's perfect. Not. Even. You." She whispered, leaning up to kiss him.
"I know. I'll back off, okay?" He conceded, returning the kiss. "But I'm gonna keep an eye on him."
The redhead sighed, resting her head on Bradley's shoulder. "I don't know what I'm gonna do with you."
Chapter End Notes:
"All I Need" by Matt Kearney