Tony stared at the opened brochure in front of him as he half listened to the doctor sing the praises of the National Rehabilitation Hospital, where, according to Dr. Bill Winesett, he would be able to learn how to adapt to life in a wheelchair. The only problem was that Tony didn’t want to have to learn a new way of doing things, as Winesett enthusiastically explained; he wanted to be able to walk out of this hospital and back into the bullpen at NCIS and resume his former life. Apparently, that was not going to happen in the near future.
He refused to look at Gibbs as he patiently listened to Winesett talk about how he would learn to take care of his personal needs and that he would be surprised at how quickly he would fall into a new routine. Tony’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment as the doctor started discussing how the therapists would help him discover the best way for him to manage his bladder and bowel functions; the very thought of having to train himself when to go to the bathroom both horrified him and humiliated him.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Winesett added, as if reading his mind. “Before long, everything will become second nature to you; you’ll…”
The younger man was glad that Gibbs seemed to be able to sense his obvious discomfort. “Why don’t you move on to something else, Bill?” the team leader suggested.
“Sorry,” the doctor muttered. “As I’ve already said, this is one of the best rehab facilities on the east coast. They will help you get adjusted and…”
“So when do I go?” Tony blurted out, purposefully interrupting the doctor. He was through listening to what Dr. Winesett had to say; the decision had already been made for him and so there was no further need for the physician to waste any more of his time trying to convince him how wonderful life in a wheelchair could be.
“If everything looks good, day after tomorrow,” Winesett replied.
“Kind of quick. Maybe I don’t want to go.”
Tony knew that he was on the borderline of being rude, but at the moment, he truly did not care. He was still getting use to the idea of not being able to use his legs and now he was going to have to deal with the more humiliating aspects of his disability; something that he was not sure he was ready to do. Picking up the brochure with his good hand he studied it so he wouldn’t have to watch the silent exchange now taking place between Gibbs and Dr. Winesett.
His hand began to shake as he continued to read. That familiar knot in his stomach began to tighten as a feeling of nausea threatened to overwhelm him. He felt a calloused hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he met the concerned gaze of the team leader. “You okay, DiNozzo?” Gibbs quietly asked.
Ignoring the former Marine, Tony glared at the doctor. “They can even help with fertility problems? Something you’re not telling me, Doc?” he challenged.
“I assumed that you realized that having intercourse will be difficult, if not virtually impossible.”
“You’re saying that I won’t be able to have sex?” he finished, not bothering to hide the anger that was beginning to course through him. This was definitely the so called straw that broke the camel’s back.
“Due to the severity of your injury, it will be hard for you to maintain an…”
“Don’t even say it,” Tony growled. “I can’t believe this.”
“You shouldn’t limit your options,” the physician warned. “Especially if you want children in the future.
“Children?” Tony clenched his jaw tightly. “I just found out I can’t have sex and you think I’m thinking about having children; one problem at a time, Doc.”
“I just said to keep an open mind. Once the shock wears off, you’ll see that it’s not as bad and hopeless as it seems.”
“Really?” No longer able to contain the turmoil churning inside him, the dam that had been holding back the raging rivers of his emotions finally burst from the pressure that had been building the past couple of days.
“I wake up after accidently being shot by my Boss to learn that I’m never going to walk again and that I’ll be spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Then I get told that I’m going to a rehab center so I can learn how to do simple every day things such as get out of bed, pull up my pants, and take a piss or a crap. Let’s not forget to mention that it will be virtually impossible for me to enjoy one of my favorite past times and I’m not talking about watching ‘Magnum’ marathons! Of course, not that my dating life has been that great ever since…” Tony closed his eyes as memories of his time with Jeanne came flooding back. Blowing out a frustrated breath, he continued. “But still, it was nice to know that I could if I wanted to. Now, what’s the use?”
He raked his hand through his hair. “But hey, let’s look at the bright side. I’ll be able to do wheelies and I’ll always win in musical chairs! Not much call for that as a federal agent.” Tony laid his head back on the pillow, refusing to meet what he deemed to be Winesett’s pitying gaze. “Forgive me if right now, I’m finding it hard to, how did you put it? Keep an open mind? Screw you and your silver lining in every cloud attitude; I can’t handle it right now.”
The doctor nodded as he handed the rest of the pamphlets to Gibbs. “Take some time and think about everything,” Winesett urged. “It may not seem like it now, but you can have your life back if you want it. It’s not going to be easy, but you know that. I know you’re a fighter, Agent DiNozzo; you’re just going…”
“I said not now,” Tony repeated. His teeth were clenched so tightly that he thought his back molars would shatter from the pressure. How many ways did he have to spell it out for the physician? Tony was tired of everyone telling him that everything was going to be all right; as far as he was concerned, they were simply trying to reassure him by feeding him continuous lies. When was it going to end? When were they going to accept that he was never going to walk again? When was he going to accept he fact that he was never going to walk again?
It wasn’t fair! He was doing his job and ending up paralyzed was his reward for a job well done. The more he learned about the problems that he could possibly face as life as a paraplegic, the more livid he grew. He crumpled the brochure and threw it in the floor. “Leave now.”
“All right,” Bill conceded. “I’ll be back to check on you later.”
“I’m not going anywhere; at least for a day or so.”
He closed his eyes and laid his head back against the pillow. He easily sensed the nonverbal conversation taking place between Gibbs and Winesett; it didn’t take a PhD to figure out that they were making plans to meet later and discuss his outburst. Tony tiredly sighed, struggling to calm his frazzled nerves.
“You okay?”
Tony raised his head at the sound of the team leader’s voice. He watched as Gibbs laid down the brochures on the table and sat down on the edge of the bed. The young man could see the river of emotions flowing in the team leader’s blue orbs; anger, guilt, disbelief, uncertainty, were all manifested in his eyes. “I’m fine,” came the familiar reply.
“Really?” Gibbs pressed.
“Yeah.”
“Seems to me that if you were fine, you wouldn’t have been so rude to the doctor.
He knew Gibbs was purposefully baiting him in fear that he might hide behind that infamous mask that he always wore; he wondered if the older man realized that the mask had just shattered into a thousand pieces. “Rude? Just thought I was expressing my feelings. Isn’t that what everybody’s been after me to do?”
“Yeah, but usually you’re a little more tactful.”
Tony chuckled. “Tactful? Me? A lot of people wouldn’t agree with you on that one, Boss.”
Gibbs expression remained serious. “You know what I mean, DiNozzo.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I know what you mean.”
“I want to see you get your life back,” Gibbs continued. “I know your upset and you have every right to be. I’m not sure that I could handle all this as well as you have, but if I were you, I’d give this place a chance. I believe they can help you.”
Tony’s eyes narrowed. “But you’re not me, are you? You’re not the one laying here with a half severed spinal cord; you’re not the one who can’t even tell when you have to take a piss; you’re not the one who has to figure out what the hell he’s going to do the rest of his life and you’re definitely not the one that needs to be telling me what I should and should not do!”
“Someone’s going to have to,” Gibbs reasoned. “Or else, the only thing you’re going to accomplish is sitting on your ass all day as the world passes you by.”
“But at least it’s my choice,” Tony countered.
“Yeah, it’s your choice DiNozzo; but you damn well better make sure that it’s a good choice. You’ve lost a part of your life that you can’t reclaim, but that’s no reason to close the door on your future.”
He began to massage his temples in an effort to alleviate the dull ache that had taken up permanent residence in his head. “And you think that this National Rehab place is the door to the future?”
“Maybe. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try it out,” the former Marine pointed out.
Tony stared at the blanket, hoping that Gibbs would simply leave him alone. His confrontation with the doctor had left him exhausted and in a less than desirable frame of mind. He knew that if he and Gibbs continued down the path that they were on, that the team leader would be the next victim of his wrath. “I’m tired, Gibbs,” he said, an icy undertone evident in his voice.
“I’m sure you are, but we need to talk about what’s going on inside your head. Let’s deal with it now so we can…”
“What? So we can put this all behind us and move on? Is that what you were going to say, Boss?”
Gibbs leaned forward slightly, his hard stare penetrating his crumbling walls. “You got something to say to me? Go ahead and get it out of your system.”
He looked away, trying to resist the urge to tear into the team leader. If Gibbs would simply leave him alone, he would be able to sort out his thoughts and feelings, regaining control of his wayward emotions. But as always, the ex-Marine pushed harder. But this time, Tony was prepared to push back.
“Fine,” he barked, meeting Gibbs’ steely gaze. “Are you sure you really want to hear what I have to say?”
“You can’t keep it bottled up forever.”
“It’s worked so far.”
“What do you mean?”
Tony swallowed hard. “Nothing.” He wasn’t prepared to unleash seven years of pent up anger; two days worth would be sufficient enough to make his point.
“Tony, you need…”
“There you go again, telling me what I need! What I need is for you to back off until I get my head around what happened! You shot me and although my head knows it was accidental, I can’t help but wonder if once again, you let your obsession get in the way of doing your job.”
Now that the venomous words had started flowing, Tony found himself unable to quell the urge to use his words as a weapon. “Once again, someone else pays the price for your inability to trust your team enough to help you! We were all working this case, but yet you took off with it and never looked back.”
Tony pushed back the blanket that covered his motionless legs. “And this is the result.”
He hated himself for taking pleasure in seeing the team leader’s face pale as he stared at Tony’s legs. Guilt began to replace his rage as he caught a glimpse of the sorrow that Gibbs now wore. Tony knew he couldn’t take back what he had said, nor did he want to; he had meant every word, but his delivery had left a lot to be desired.
Reaching down, he pulled the blanket up to his waist. Tony silently admonished himself for being so angry with the one man who had believed in him no matter what the circumstances. Gibbs had been like a father to him and he had just thrown it all away because he had allowed the mask to slip.
“I’m sorry,” Tony apologized. “I shouldn’t have…”
“You have every right to feel the way you do, Tony. You’re right. I lost sight of what was truly important. I…I let the team down and more importantly, I let you down.”
It had been a long time since he had seen Gibbs speechless. He had not been prepared for what was as close to an apology that he had ever received from the team leader, but right now, Tony wasn’t sure if it was enough.
“I’m kind of tired, Gibbs.”
“Tony, I…”
“Gibbs, not now,” he warned. “Please.”
“All right. Just give this rehab center some thought.”
Tony shrugged. “Maybe.”
The former Marine never got a chance to reply before Jenny Shepard entered the room once again. Tony closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to face her; he had forgotten that she had been outside the door listening to his tirade.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said. “Jethro. You need to leave; the investigators will be here in a little while to talk to Tony.”
“They’re supposed to interview Ziva first thing this morning,” Gibbs informed her.
“They rescheduled her interview once they found out that Agent DiNozzo was awake and well enough to answer questions.”
Tony heard Gibbs mutter a curse under his breath, but refused to open his eyes. He felt the team leader gently squeeze his good shoulder. “I’ll be back later, DiNozzo. Take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything,” Gibbs instructed.
He refused to acknowledge the team leader or the Director and it wasn’t until he heard his door shut, did he open his eyes and clumsily wipe away the tears that threatened to fall. He pushed down the covers once again and stared at his legs. “Useless,” Tony whispered. “What am I going to do?”
Tony tried to sit up, but his effort was in vain as he collapsed back against the bed. Before he could try a second time, a knock at his door interrupted his attempt. “What?” he growled at his unexpected visitor, silently praying that it wasn’t Gibbs or Winesett.
“Hey Tony, can I come in?”
A tiny smile escaped Tony’s lips. It was Palmer. During Gibbs’ unexpected hiatus, he and Palmer had cultivated a friendship reminiscent of Gibbs and Ducky. Palmer was someone that he could talk to and accepted him for who he was. So many people were always trying to make him be something he wasn’t, but Jimmy Palmer accepted his friendship unconditionally.
“Come on in, Jimmy. It’s good to see a friendly face.”
Chapter End Notes:
Again, sorry for the delay...if you've been catching up on my other stories, you'll know why I haven't posted, but now I'm catching up!