Gibbs watched as Jimmy Palmer entered Tony’s room, his usual steely gaze was softened by sadness and regret. He wanted nothing more than to stay by DiNozzo’s side until they had resolved the tension that had taken up residence between them, but unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Today had been the first time that Tony had dared to exhibit any other emotions beside complacency over the shooting and the team leader felt that so much had been left unsaid between them.
“Are you coming, Jethro?”
He visibly bristled at the sound of Jenny Shepard’s voice. Despite the fact that she had permitted him to see Tony, Gibbs could not hide his irritation with his former lover. He headed down the corridor to the elevator, purposefully ignoring the Director as she called out to him.
“Jethro, I know you’re angry with me for making you leave; but if Internal Affairs had caught you in Tony’s room, then we would both be in a lot of trouble,” she pointed out.
“It doesn’t matter,” he growled. “DiNozzo needs me and…”
“It sounded like to me that Tony needed some space; he was obviously feeling overwhelmed.”
“Of course he’s overwhelmed, Jen! He’s never going to walk again! How do you expect him to feel?”
He could feel her glare bore through his soul, but he refused to look at her. Gibbs knew that he had a tenuous hold on his temper and that he could lose his grasp at any moment. The team leader truly didn’t have the energy to argue with her, but he knew from experience that this conversation was far from over.
The former Marine was thankful that the elevator doors opened, providing him an all too brief respite from what was sure to quickly develop into a heated discussion. The silence between them was almost deafening, but Gibbs welcomed it. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t care if they spoke the rest of the week; however, that arrangement was not going to suit Director Jenny Shepard.
“Jethro, I know that it may not seem like it now, but Tony is going to fine,” Jenny stated with confidence.
He reached out and hit the emergency stop switch. Turning to face Jenny, he didn’t bother to hide the disbelief at her obvious ignorance. “Do you really believe that Jen? Have you got some kind of crystal ball that you can look through and tell the future with? DiNozzo is far from fine and right now, I can’t do a damn thing to help him.”
Gibbs continued to glare at her as she reached around him and restarted the elevator. “This isn’t your personal office and no I don’t have a crystal ball. I do know Agent DiNozzo well enough to know that given time, he will adjust to his new life.”
“He shouldn’t have to adjust to anything!” he barked. “He should be sitting in the bull pen correcting Ziva’s English, thinking up new names for McGee, and shooting baskets with wads of paper!”
“But he’s not.”
He blew out a pent up breath. “No, he’s not. He’s lying in a bed wondering if he even has a life that’s worth living! He’s angry and he’s scared and so far, there’s nothing that I’ve been able to say or do that seems to matter.”
“I understand you feel helpless,” Jenny attempted to reason. “But you’re going to have to wait until Tony’s ready to accept your help.”
Gibbs hit the emergency stop button once again, bringing the elevator to a sudden halt. “Do you honestly think that’s going to happen, Jen?” he seethed. “I’m the one who shot him! I’m the reason he’s going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life.”
“That’s very true,” she agreed. “However, dwelling on something that you can’t change is not going to help you or Tony.”
He hated it when she was right. Gibbs knew that in order to move forward, he had to let go of the past. His anger began to dissipate as Jenny restarted the elevator again. The team leader knew he had a lot to think about and there was only one place that he would be able to find the solitude that he so desperately craved. He silently willed the elevator to move faster so he could go home and work on his boat. Working with his hands always provided him with the peacefulness that he seemed to need whenever his emotions were as frayed as they were now.
“Tell me one thing, Jen.”
“What?”
“Is DiNozzo going to be able to keep his job?” he wearily inquired.
“Let’s not cross that bridge until we get there.”
“Meaning what?” Gibbs pressed.
“Meaning that we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Right now, I’ve put him on extended leave and that should carry him a good while, considering all the time he has banked. We’ll just have to wait and see what kind of job he will qualify for.”
“He’s already qualified for one,” the team leader reminded her. “He’s still my senior field agent.”
“Jethro…”
Not wanting to hear Jenny’s rationalizations about Tony still being listed as a field agent, as soon as the elevator doors opened, Gibbs quickly disappeared into the parking garage. As he opened the door to his car and slid in the seat, he realized that he had never felt so old in his life. Much had happened these past couple of days, aging him beyond his years. He felt ancient and useless and he didn’t cherish those feelings.
He laid his head against the steering wheel, trying to muster the strength and the desire to turn on the ignition. Right now, he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and he was fast becoming terrified of the darkness that seemed to surround him. He was trying to pull himself out of this abyss that he had somehow fallen into, but some times the weight holding him down was too great.
The click of heels coming towards him brought him out of his reverie. He didn’t have to look to know it was Jenny; he recognized that walk anywhere. Sitting up, he started his car and pulled out of his parking place. Waving to her as he sped off towards the exit, he knew that she would more than likely follow him to his house. He tiredly smiled as he decided that today would be the day that he actually locked his door.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
With his good arm, he motioned for Jimmy to come in and sit down. He tiredly smiled and nodded his thanks as Palmer set a gift bag on the table beside him. Their friendship was a mystery to both of them; two men with apparently very little in common had been able to put their differences aside to become close friends. Maybe he and Palmer could do yet another remake of The Odd Couple.
“So what’s in the bag, Jimmy?” Tony asked, trying to peer through the bag as if he had X-ray vision.
“It’s a just a little gift,” Palmer replied. “Just something to help pass the time.”
Tony’s brow arched. “Really? What is it?”
His grin widened as Palmer set it on his lap. Tony began to pull out the tissue paper, digging until he pulled out his present. “A portable DVD player? Palmer, this is too much. Man, you didn’t have to do this.”
“I know, but I know that cable TV in the hospital sometimes doesn’t have the greatest selection of things to watch and I figure that you can just make me a list of the DVD’s you want and I’ll bring them back later tonight.”
“That’d be great. Thanks Jimmy.”
“You’re welcome.”
Tony put the player back in the bag and handed it back to Palmer, who set it back on the table. “So, does Ducky know you’re going to be late for work?”
“I told him last night that I was stopping by to see you. He sends his regards and told me to tell you that he’ll stop by later this afternoon.”
“He doesn’t have to.”
“I’m sure he wants to.”
“Whatever,” Tony sighed.
Confused, Palmer asked, “Don’t you want Dr. Mallard to drop by?”
“Not if I’m going to get another lecture on how wonderful life can be in a wheelchair.”
DiNozzo didn’t miss the look of realization that fluttered across Palmer’s youthful features. “Something wrong, Palmer?”
Jimmy could no longer meet his gaze. “I guess that I didn’t want to believe it.”
“Believe what?” Tony asked.
“That you couldn’t walk again,” Palmer quietly replied. “I heard everybody talking, but I guess I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”
“Yeah, well I know how you feel.” Tony laid his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes for a moment. “I’m having a hard time accepting it myself. I just keep laying here hoping that it’s nothing more than a bad dream.”
“I’m sorry, Tony.”
“For what? It’s not your fault. It’s…” He caught himself before he could utter Gibbs’ name. Tony didn’t want to blame the team leader, but the anger and frustration building inside of him urged him to hold Gibbs responsible. “It’s nobody’s fault. I was careless and now I have to live with the consequences.”
“I heard what happened, Tony. It wasn’t your fault. Agent Gibbs didn’t even give you time to put on a vest.”
“I should’ve taken the time.”
“Still doesn’t make it your fault, Tony. You were doing what you always do…following Gibbs’ lead,” Palmer reasoned.
“I don’t always follow his lead. We had an argument right before we got the bolo; I should have tried to pull him off the case.”
“What’s done is done, Tony. You can’t change the past. You’ve just got to deal with the future.”
“What future?” he snorted. Tony couldn’t hide the bitterness that he was feeling for having his life completely turned upside down. “Certainly you can’t be talking about my future as an agent? I mean, come on Jimmy, how many field agents are there in wheelchairs?”
“I don’t know, I…”
“Exactly my point,” Tony snapped. “Until I talked to Winesett, I kept holding onto this little hope that kept telling me that maybe I was going to walk again. But then he comes and starts trying to push me into going to this rehab place so I can learn how to get used to life in a wheelchair. He and Gibbs act like it’s going to be so simple to get used to rolling around everywhere! Did I mention that I’ll have to learn new techniques for going to the bathroom? It’s pretty humbling when a man can’t take a piss without help.”
Tony wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall. He was thankful that Jimmy was just sitting there, listening as he vented. He didn’t think he could stand to hear one more false platitude. “You want to know the best part?” he continued, choking back a sob.
“What?” Palmer softly urged.
“This place will even save my sperm for me in case I want to have kids some day. Do you have any idea how degrading that is? I can’t even…”
He noticed Jimmy’s face flushing with embarrassment. “Well, you get the picture.”
“Yeah.”
Tony swallowed hard, his rage tearing through him like a flame. He made a fist with his good hand and began hitting his legs, his desire to feel something, even pain, was consuming him. “Come on! Give me something!” he cried.
Palmer grabbed his hand and shook his head. “No, Tony,” he gently insisted. “Hurting yourself is not going to solve anything.”
“I can’t do this, Palmer,” Tony whispered. “I can’t do this!”
“Yes, you can.”
He shook his head as the tears began to flow freely. “I can’t. I don’t want to live like this. If he was going to shoot me, why couldn’t it have hit my heart?”
Palmer stood up, his expression morphing from concern and worry to disbelief and anger. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I can’t help how I feel.”
“I understand that this is hard for you; I can’t even imagine what it’s like having to face the reality of not being able to walk. But you’re here and you’re alive. You’ve got a lot more living to do, Tony. Don’t let this get you down.”
“It already has.”
“Only because you’re letting it.”
“Thank you, Dr. Phil,” Tony mumbled.
“I’m being serious, Tony.”
“So am I.”
“It’s not going to be easy, but if anyone can beat this; it’s you.”
Tony exhaled slowly. What was wrong with him? He seldom cried and here he had been crying like a baby in front of Palmer. His father would have been appalled. “I don’t know,” he moaned.
“I do,” Palmer said.
The confidence his friend was exuding in those two simple words was overwhelming. “One day at a time; right, Palmer?”
“That’s the only way to take it.”
Tony raked his hand through his hair. “Sorry I unloaded all that on you.”
Jimmy squeezed his hand and smiled. “That’s what friends are for. I mean, you’ve done the same for me.”
He returned Palmer’s smile with one of his own. “Who would have thought that a dashing NCIS agent and an autopsy gremlin could be friends?”
“Agent Gibbs and Dr. Mallard.”
Tony involuntarily flinched at the mention of Gibbs’ name. Why couldn’t he let it go? It was an accident. He knew that accidents happened, but this one was costing him dearly. “Yeah.”
“So, what DVD’s do you want me to bring?” Palmer asked, obviously sensing Tony’s discomfort.
He thought for a moment. “Magnum and Airwolf will be a good start.”
“Which seasons?”
“All of them.”
“Okay. You got it.”
Palmer glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll be back later. Think about what I’ve said.”
“I will.”
As Jimmy started to leave, Tony called out to him. “Hey Palmer?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you go to this place if…if you were me?”
“I don’t know, but I’d at least give it some thought.”
Tony nodded and stared at the door long after Palmer had gone. “Give it some thought.”
He began to drift off, his body demanding the rest that it desperately craved. A knock at the door forced him back to alertness as two men entered his room. He knew these men were from Internal Affairs without waiting for them to introduce themselves. Why did they have to do this now? He was having a difficult time discerning what had happened and now he was going to have to recount it to these men. What he told them would probably either convict or acquit Gibbs and this realization only served to exacerbate the slight headache that had been plaguing him.
Of course, this headache could be blamed on the little voice that continually reminded him that it had been Gibbs who had ruined his life. So far, he had been able to ignore that voice, but now, he had the opportunity to ruin Gibbs’ life. If he couldn’t be an agent any longer, why should Gibbs be allowed to continue in a job he loved? He tried to push that voice out of his head as the two men began to question him, but he wasn’t having much luck.
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