Jimmy Palmer entered autopsy, his eyes glancing about the room in search of Dr. Mallard. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that the medical examiner was nowhere in sight. The ME’s assistant had stopped by the hospital before coming to work and ended up staying longer than he had intended; of course the morning traffic was horrendous and by the time he had navigated his way through it, he had arrived at work even later than usual. Hanging his jacket up, he began to prepare for the day ahead. Palmer hoped that by busying himself that he could keep his mind off of Tony, but it was no use.
His visit with Tony had left him uneasy. The thought of the normally vibrant agent confined to a wheelchair had been a difficult concept for him to grasp, but after seeing his friend, he understood the harsh reality of Tony’s condition. Anthony DiNozzo was never going to walk again and there were no miracle cures that would give him back the use of his legs.
DiNozzo had shared with him some of the more personal issues that he would be facing; everyday necessities that had once been as natural as breathing would become a time consuming chore. Palmer was concerned that Tony wouldn’t be able to adjust to his new life on his own. He was hopeful that he had managed to convince his friend to go for rehabilitation; the young man knew that it was more than likely going to be the only way that Tony would learn how to adapt and reclaim his life.
“Ah, Mr. Palmer, there you are.”
The soothing cultured tone of Dr. Donald Mallard scattered his thoughts as he greeted the Scotsman.
“Uh, Dr. Mallard,” Jimmy nervously stammered. “I didn’t think you were here.”
“Actually, I’ve been here for a while,” the doctor informed him. “I’ve been chatting with Abigail; she’s very distraught about everything that’s happened. She’s so close to both Jethro and Anthony and she is worried how this tragedy is going to affect our tight knit family. I tried my best to reassure her that it would all work out, but I don’t think I was very successful in my attempt to cheer her up.”
Palmer knew that Abby truly adored Agent Gibbs as a daughter would her father, but her relationship with Tony was unique and he had yet to figure out all the twist and turns of their friendship. The senior field agent and the Goth shamelessly flirted with each other, but the love they shared was reminiscent of a brother and a sister. They were protective of each other and loyal beyond fault and Abby more than likely felt that her loyalties were being divided.
“Maybe I’ll go up and talk to her,” Palmer mused.
“I’d give her a few minutes alone,” the ME suggested.
“All right,” he agreed. “If you think it’s for the best. I’ll check on her a little later.”
“That’s a good idea, Mr. Palmer.” Ducky clapped his hands together. “Well, shall we get started?”
“Of course, Doctor.”
The older man joined him as they prepared to do an autopsy on the second victim from the shooting that Gibbs and Tony had been involved in; the very same incident that changed his friend’s life forever. It was all so senseless. He knew he couldn’t change the past and no amount of wishing was going to make Tony walk again. Jimmy despised the feeling of helplessness that had been constantly plaguing him since leaving the hospital.
“Mr. Palmer?” the ME called out to him. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Doctor. I was just thinking about…”
“Tony,” Ducky finished.
“Yeah. I went and saw him this morning.”
“That explains your tardiness then.”
“Uh, yes sir. I was just going to drop in and check on him, but I ended up staying longer than I had planned.”
“I’m sure that Anthony appreciated your visit,” the medical examiner stated. “How is he doing?”
Palmer shrugged as he handed the scalpel to the physician. “I’m not sure I can sum it up in one word. He’s angry, frustrated, worried, maybe even scared.”
The doctor took the scalpel and made the first incision. “That’s to be expected. In a sense, Tony is going to have to go through the stages of grief before he can accept what has happened to him. As his friends, we must convince him he does have a future and we must be patient as he struggles to figure out what that future is.”
“When I walked in that room, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought maybe he’d be dealing with everything in his usual style…”
Ducky smiled. “You mean by insisting that he’s fine and hiding behind a joke or two?”
“Yeah, and maybe throwing a movie reference or two in for good measure,” Jimmy added. “He’s just so unsure of himself. He’s trying to take the blame for what happened, even though I think part of him still holds Agent Gibbs responsible for the shooting. His doctor wants him to go to this hospital for rehabilitation and I’m not certain that he’s completely sold on the idea. I told him that if it were me, I’d at least give it some thought.”
“Anthony will come around. I’ve seen that boy overcome some insurmountable odds,” the ME recalled. “It’s not in his nature to give up and believe me, there have been several times since I’ve known him that he’s had the opportunity to throw the towel in so to speak and he hasn’t. He’s not a quitter.”
Looking back, he knew that Tony had survived many things both physically and emotionally that would have defeated any other man. Now, he was going to have to overcome yet another obstacle, one that was going to change his life permanently, but Jimmy knew that with the help of his friends, Tony would survive this as well.
“You’re right, Dr. Mallard,” he finally conceded. “He’s not a quitter.”
“How about we go pay him a visit later on this evening? I’ve got a couple of books for him and I’m sure that he would welcome something to eat besides hospital food.”
“I’m sure he would. Maybe we should ask Abby if she’d like to go with us; it might help cheer her up,” Palmer pointed out.
“That’s a splendid idea, Mr. Palmer. Now, can we get back to the task at hand?”
“Of course, Doctor.”
Palmer’s spirits were lifted by the ME’s words of wisdom and encouragement. Not for the first time, he found himself thankful for the opportunity to have such a compassionate mentor, whose heart rivaled the knowledge in his gifted mind. He was looking forward to one day following in Dr. Mallard’s footsteps and serving as the medical examiner for NCIS. Jimmy grinned at the thoughts of him and Tony becoming the next Ducky and Gibbs.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Investigators Mark Landry and Jerry Carlson didn’t speak a word to each other as they made their way out of the hospital. The two men were each lost in their own thoughts, trying to decide what their next step should be. This particular investigation had several unexpected twists and turns including two people taking responsibility for the shooting. Agents Jethro Gibbs and Anthony DiNozzo were obviously cut from the same cloth and neither would dishonor the other by casting blame.
As they neared the car, Carlson unlocked it and got in on the driver’s side. He could almost sense his counterpart’s irritation at not being able to drive once again. The older man waited patiently for Landry to get in the passenger’s seat and fasten his seat belt; Mark knew that he wouldn’t even start the car until the younger man was secure. Satisfied, Jerry put the keys in the ignition but did not start the car.
Turning to his partner, he asked, “What do you think?”
A frustrated sigh escaped Mark’s lips. “I don’t know. The one thing that is constant in both accounts is that DiNozzo stepped in front of Gibbs’ line of fire; I think we can rule the shooting accidental.”
“But what about the obvious negligence? I mean Gibbs obviously ignored standard SOP by not taking time to put the vests on,” Carlson pointed out.
“That’s true,” Landry agreed. “Gibbs has a reputation for doing things his own way and usually things work out for him. This time, his lack of judgment ended up costing his senior field agent his career and almost his life.”
“And Gibbs is going to have to live with that the rest of his life. I think it sounds like a fitting punishment.”
“So do we need to talk with the other members on Gibbs’ team?”
Carlson thought for a moment. “We’ll do it just to cover our butts. They were involved after the fact, so there’s probably not a lot they can tell us. It shouldn’t take long to ask them two or three questions.”
“Then we release our findings,” Landry concluded.
“Yes, the shooting will be ruled as accidental with a recommendation that since Agent DiNozzo, the injured party does not wish to pursue further action, that none be taken.”
“No official reprimand?”
Carlson shook his head. “No. Like I said, Gibbs is going to have to live with this the rest of his life; I think his guilt will be enough of a reprimand.”
“I think you’re getting soft in your old age,” Mark grinned.
“And I think you’re starting to learn a thing or two about investigating. It’s not always so cut and dry, is it?”
Landry reached over and started the engine. “Nope, it’s not. Now, let’s go and wrap this thing up.”
The older man shifted into drive, his own smile matching that of his colleagues. Sometimes this job didn’t suck after all. “You’ve got it, partner.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tony put down the brochure that he had been reading about the National Rehabilitation Hospital. He couldn’t deny that they had a lot to offer in terms of helping him to learn to live life as a paraplegic, but he wasn’t sure that he was ready to accept the fact that he was one of these statistics that he had just read about. Tony wanted his life back, but he was still confused on how to go about getting it back. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, he still wanted to believe that he was going to be able to walk again; however, with each passing second, those dreams were becoming obsolete.
He laid his head back against his pillow as exhaustion began to claim him. The interview with the investigators from Internal Affairs had taken a lot out of him; that coupled with everything that he was facing left him feeling fatigued and uncertain of his future. Tony wanted to sleep, but forced himself to stay awake; he couldn’t stand waking up to the realization that he had no feeling or movement from his waist down.
The senior agent was becoming adept at fooling the nurses into believing that he was asleep, but he figured that when Gibbs finally was allowed in to see him that the charade would be over. The team leader had always been able to see behind the mask that he wore so efficiently; Tony knew that he was going to have to work harder to keep his walls intact. If he were going to have any semblance of a normal life, he was going to have bury his anger and doubts where no one could see them and hope those emotions stayed hidden.
A gentle knock at the door brought him out of his reverie. Tony was actually grateful for whoever his company was; now he could temporarily escape the deep abyss that his thoughts were banishing him to.
“Come in,” he tiredly called out.
A tired grin spread across his face at the sight of his elderly neighbor Edith Kiser. She was carrying what he figured to be a container of chocolate chip cookies; any time he was sick or hurt, he could always count on a batch of her infamous cookies.
“You do know that I would have made you some cookies without you getting yourself shot, don’t you?” she teased.
“I know, but what can I say? I forgot to duck.”
She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. “Well, when you get better, I will just have to give you a refresher course on ducking.”
Tony laughed. “Yes ma’am.”
The first time they had met, she had roused him from bed stating that there had been an intruder in her apartment. Tony had gone over, instructing her to stay outside. She hadn’t listened and had entered her darkened apartment, arming herself with a rolling pin, Edith had then proceeded to assault whom she believed to be the burglar, but in fact, had been Tony. When she realized what she had done, Edith apologized profusely, wondering why in all his years as a police officer, he had never learned to duck.
Although there had been no signs of an intruder, Tony had taken it upon himself to look after Edith. He couldn’t help but wonder who was going to take care of her now. Forcing that particular thought to the back of his mind, he opened the container and took out a cookie.
“Still the best around,” he boasted as he savored the first bite.
“Your friend, Agent Gibbs liked them as well.”
Tony stared at her in disbelief. “Gibbs? When uh, when did you see Gibbs?”
“He helped me with my groceries and so I invited him in and we had a wonderful little talk, mainly about you.”
“Why was he there?”
Edith considered the question for a moment. “You know, I didn’t ask him. You can ask him yourself though, he’s right outside.”
Before Tony could reply, Edith had made her way over to the door and motioned for Gibbs to join her. “Now, come on in Jethro! I told you that if anyone had anything to say about you being in here to tell them that you’re with me.”
“I don’t want you to get you in trouble,” Gibbs protested.
“You won’t get me in trouble. I think I can take that little red headed director of yours.” Almost as an afterthought, Edith asked, “She is still the director right?”
“Yes ma’am she is, but…”
“Well, she shouldn’t be but that’s not important right now.”
Tony was actually enjoying the fact that Gibbs was getting bossed around by Edith, whose spunk matched her natural charm, ounce for ounce. “You might as well give it up, Boss,” he added. “She’s pretty persuasive.”
Gibbs walked in the room and the smile faded from Tony’s face. Images of the shooting began to assault his mind. He had to get past this if he was going to move on with his life; he had told himself he had forgiven Gibbs, but forgetting seemed damned near impossible.
Edith allowed the team leader to escort her back to Tony’s bedside, where he had managed to slip his stoic mask back into place.
“Now Jethro, you sit here in this chair and I’m going to sit right here on the edge of Tony’s bed,” she instructed.
The former Marine obliged her, obviously resigned to the knowledge that he had met his match. Tony wondered if he should tell him that Edith used to be a red head. Sensing Gibbs’ discomfort, he decided that bit of information could wait until later.
“So dear, I’m so sorry to hear about your accident.”
“Thank you, but I’ll be fine,” Tony reassured her. “I’ll be back to pestering you to take your pills in no time. By the way, did you take them this morning?”
“Yes I did. Right before I had to go and get my own groceries.”
Tony’s face fell. He always purchased Mrs. Kiser’s groceries for her; just one more thing that he could no longer do.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I should have asked Palmer to…”
“Nonsense! I will manage until you’re back home and then you can resume your duties.”
Tony swallowed hard. “Mrs. Kiser, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I was shot in the back. I’m never…I’m never going to be able to walk again.” He had said it and for the first time, the reality sank in, forcing him to accept the fact that his life had taken a dramatic change.
He had read about the physical problems that paraplegics faced and he had ranted about certain aspects that he had found to be utterly humiliating, but now, it was real. This was going to be his life and he either had to accept it and move on or do something that he wasn’t sure he was prepared to do.
“I know all about your injury,” she stated. “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re going to be released from your obligations as far as I’m concerned. Now, Mr. Palmer or the charming Agent Gibbs are more than welcome to fill in for you, but they are only temporary. Have I made myself clear?”
Tony sighed. Gibbs wasn’t the only one who had met his match. He sometimes wondered if Mr. Kiser had ever been able to win an argument in all their years of marriage. “Yes ma’am,” he answered.
She reached over and picked up the pamphlet he had been studying. “Is this the place that the doctor thinks you need to go?”
“Yes ma’am.” He glared at Gibbs as he became aware of the team leader had more than likely put her up to encouraging him to go to rehab.
“Well, when do you leave?”
“I haven’t decided that I’m going.”
“What? Don’t you want to get better?”
“I don’t have to go to this place to get better.”
“But I think it would help you to see others around you facing similar problems; it would help you to remember that you’re not alone.”
Tony shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Anthony DiNozzo, you sound like you’re giving up,” she declared.
“I’m not giving up. I’m just…”
“Feeling sorry for yourself?”
There was nothing in the world like the directness of an obstinate woman who had not allowed circumstances to control her life. Tony knew that she had lost her husband and her children, but had managed to embrace life instead of shun it. Now, here she was urging him to reclaim his life and he was trying to think of every excuse as to why he couldn’t.
“I guess I am,” he admitted.
“Then get off your sorry ass and do something about it,” she urged.
Tony took Edith’s hand and kissed it. “I love you, Mrs. Kiser.”
He smiled when her cheeks flushed a light crimson. “And I love you, Anthony,” Edith replied. “Now, we have six months to the next dance-a-thon and I want you to be ready for it.” She leaned closer so that she could whisper in his ear. “I think that Jethro would be a good partner for Vera, what do you think?”
Tony glanced at Gibbs and then back to Edith. “I don’t know. Vera may be too much for him.”
Edith’s laughter filled the room. “You may be right.” She patted his arm. “Now, I’m going to find you some chocolate milk to wash those cookies down.”
The last thing Tony wanted right now was to be alone with Gibbs but she was gone before he could beg her to stay. There was so much that needed to be said but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to reopen that wound again. The oozing sore of his soul felt like it was held together by a band aid and if he pulled it off, he would never stop bleeding.
“She’s pretty smooth,” Gibbs said, shattering the awkward silence between them.
“Yep. Always has been.”
“You doing okay?”
Tony clenched his jaw. “Yep.”
“I’m not sure I believe you.”
“How else am I supposed to be doing?”
“You tell me.”
Tony’s eyes narrowed as he met the team leader’s inquisitive glare. Gibbs was baiting him, much like he would do whenever he was closing himself off. He couldn’t relinquish control of his feelings; in the past, any demonstration of emotion came with a high price.
He licked his lips. “Gibbs, let it go. It’s hard enough for me to deal with not being able to walk without you breathing down my neck. I don’t blame you; I told IA I don’t blame you. What else do you want from me?”
“I want you to fight with everything you have. There are a lot of people who care about what happens to you and I’ve never known you to give up.”
“This is different.”
“Why? Because you can’t walk?”
Tony clenched his fist. Why was Gibbs trying to push him? Why did everyone seem to think they knew what was best for him? “Yeah, Gibbs,” he snapped. “Because I can’t walk and I will never be able to walk, but I’m going to have to learn to live with it! Can you? Can you accept that I’m not going to be able to do my job any longer? Can you accept what happened and move on? I apparently have no choice, so the ball’s in your court.”
Gibbs tiredly smiled at him, which only seemed to irritate Tony even more. “You’re right. We’re going to have put it behind us and concentrate on the future. But, just so you know; I don’t plan to lose my senior field agent just because he’s in a wheelchair. You’ve got your job when you’re ready to come back.”
He merely nodded. Tony wondered if Gibbs had even discussed this with the Director. He was going to be on extended medical leave and he wasn’t so sure that Jenny Shepard felt the same loyalty to him that Gibbs did. “I hope you’re right,” Tony mumbled.
“You never gave Mrs. Kiser an answer. Are you going to the rehab center?” the team leader wanted to know.
“I guess I have to give it a try at least. I’m not sure I can handle it, but…” Tony wasn’t sure why he was admitting his reluctance to the team leader; he hated showing any kind of weakness in front of Gibbs. The irrational fear stemmed from his childhood; DiNozzos did not show fear. It had taken the lead agent a long time to teach him that a healthy dose of fear kept you sharp. Right now, he was scared and confused, but he had to work through it. He had to face the uncertainty of his future.
“You can do this, Tony. I’ve got faith in you.”
Tony opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the return of Mrs. Kiser with a glass of chocolate milk in hand. “Here you go, Anthony. It’s got a couple of ice cubes in it, just like you like it.”
He took the glass with his good arm and began to sip on the milk. “Thank you.”
“I almost forgot!” Edith exclaimed.
“What?”
She reached into her purse and pulled out a magazine. “You got your new issue of GSM today. I thought you might enjoy reading the articles during your convalescence.”
“When did you start reading the articles, DiNozzo?” Gibbs quipped.
“I’ve always read the articles, Boss.”
“Uh huh.”
Ignoring the jibe, he turned his attention back to Mrs. Kiser and took the magazine. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, placing a kiss on his forehead. “Now, Jethro, can you take me to back home? I’ve got the bridge club coming over this afternoon and I have to get things ready.”
“Of course.”
Tony smiled at the kind hearted woman. “Thanks for coming by and for the cookies.”
“Next time I visit you, I expect you to be at that rehab center or you and I may have a trip to the woodshed,” she warned.
“Yes ma’am.”
Gibbs rose from his seat and offer his arm to Edith. “I’ll be back later, Tony. We’re not through talking.”
He gave no response but knew that Gibbs more than likely didn’t expect one. The team leader would be back and they would talk, but Tony wasn’t sure what good it would do. What more did Gibbs want from him? In the very least, he could find out why Gibbs had been at his apartment.
After Edith and Gibbs had left him alone, he began to study the cover of the magazine that Mrs. Kiser had brought him. The knot in his stomach began to pull tighter as he quietly read aloud the titles of the main articles. “Ten Ways to Please Your Lover; A New Technique That Will Enhance Your Love Life; Five New Positions That Will Give You The Most Out of Your Sexual Experience.”
Tony closed his eyes. “Damn it,” he whispered to himself.
Glancing at the magazine once again, he blinked back the tears of anger that threatened to fall. His frustration and fear had reached the point where he could no longer contain them. Taking his good hand, he ripped the cover of the magazine. It wasn’t fair. He tore another page and then another. Within a couple of minutes, the magazine lay in shreds on his bed and on the floor as hot tears streamed down his face. He could no longer control the rage that was building up inside of him as he threw back the covers and tried to sit up in bed.
Grateful that the nurse had accidently left his bed rail down the last time she had checked his catheter, he scooted his torso over to the edge, determined to get out of the bed any way possible. He cursed as his lower body refused to cooperate.
“Come on, DiNozzo! Damn sorry son of a bitch! You can do this! Get out of this bed and walk!”
As he started to fall to the floor, he realized the foolishness of his actions. He barely had time to throw his good arm out in order to cushion the impact of his body hitting the floor. Tony ended up on his side, his good arm now cradling his injured shoulder. “God, why?” he cried out. “Do you hate me that much?”
Tony heard his monitors blaring and knew that it would only be matter of time that his room was flooded with medical personnel. He found himself wondering if his gown was properly fastened in the back, judging by the coolness of the air on his back, he doubted it. Tears faded to laughter as he realized that more than likely the first sight that greeted the nurses would be his buttocks. The fact that he could find humor in his current situation only proved to him that he was losing his mind.
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