Tony DiNozzo knew he should consider himself lucky, but he also knew that his luck had run out the second that those two bullets had entered his back. He had truly felt relieved when Dr. Winesett had informed him that there had been no further damage done to his spine because of his little escapade, but the fact remained that he was still paralyzed; there was nothing that he could do that would change the fact that he was never going to walk again.
The physician had been overly optimistic that once Tony started rehab, his outlook on life would greatly improve. He wondered if those words would have flowed so easily out of Winesett’s mouth if he had been the one facing life in a wheelchair. Tony had read the brochures several times and although the National Rehabilitation Hospital had a lot to offer, he still couldn’t see himself so easily adjusting. He had always prided himself on being self reliant and now his independence was being compromised by legs that no longer worked.
He blew out a frustrated breath. Tony was aware of the fact that he had to get a handle on his anger and bitterness or it would consume him. Despite his initial misgivings, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that the shooting had been an accident. Perhaps it could have been avoided and then again, maybe it would’ve happened regardless; he wasn’t God and he wasn’t going to pretend to be able to predict the future or alter the past.
“You gotta move on, Anthony,” he whispered to himself. “You’ve done it before, you can do it again.”
How many times in his life had he been forced to start his life over by simply moving on? Tony began to try and calculate the number of times but at the moment, a trip down memory lane was too taxing for his jumbled mind. He wanted to sleep, but he was tired of waking up to discover that he hadn’t been dreaming and that his worst fears had been realized.
A soft rap at his door brought him out of his reverie. He looked up as Annie, his nurse, entered the room. “I just need to check your vitals one more time before I go on break.”
“Okay,” he sighed. “Just be gentle with me.”
Annie laughed. “Trust me, I’ve been doing this for years and I haven’t had a complaint yet.”
“That’s comforting.”
Tony watched her as she studied his monitor. “Everything look okay?’
“Yep, everything looks good. Your heart rate and blood pressure are back down. Are you in much pain?”
He bit back a sharp retort. Annie didn’t deserve his anger; she was simply doing her job. “Not too much. My shoulder’s a little tender but nothing I can’t handle.”
“You’re due for your pain meds in another hour, think you can make it?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.”
She fluffed his pillow, pulled the sheet around his frame, and handed him the call button. “If you need anything before then, just push the call button.”
“Thank you, Nurse Annie.”
Tony saw her reach into the pocket of her sweater. “I almost forgot. This card came for you.”
Puzzled, he accepted the card and studied the familiar script of his father’s distinctive handwriting. Tony nodded his thanks as Annie turned to leave. “When I come back, I’ll have your transfer papers ready to sign,” she reminded him.
If his lack of response offended her, she hid it well. Tony couldn’t fathom how his dad found out that he was in the hospital. His dad had called him several times in the last few weeks, which had been highly unusual, but he had yet been able to work up the courage to return his calls. Even after all these years, his father seemed to hold some kind of power over him that made him revert back to a child.
“Tony?”
Startled, he glanced up to discover Gibbs standing in his doorway. Tony tucked the card underneath his leg and motioned for the team leader to come into the room. “Come on in, Boss.”
“You sure?”
Tony shrugged. “I guess.”
Gibbs made his way over to the chair beside his bed and sat down. Tony studied the man before him as the silence only served to exacerbate the tension between them. What more did they need to say to each other? He had told Gibbs that he knew that the shooting was an accident and that he didn’t hold the former Marine responsible. What did Gibbs need to hear him say? Why was Gibbs having such a hard time accepting his paralysis?
Of course, if he were being honest with himself, Tony had to admit that he was having a hard time as well absorbing the life changing ramifications of his disability. There was no hiding behind that infamous mask that he wore so casually; it was time for everything to be laid on the line.
“Did IA clear you?” Tony finally asked.
Gibbs shrugged. “I don’t know. Since you don’t have a bodyguard outside your door, I’m guessing that I’m in the clear.”
“That’s good.”
“Being cleared on paper doesn’t mean much.”
“That’s all that counts in the grand scheme of things; the brass saves face and all’s well with the world.”
Tony was too exhausted to concern himself with censoring his feelings. His nerves were raw with emotions that had been pent up for far too long and he didn’t have the energy to control the words that came out of his mouth.
“But that’s not how it really is,” Gibbs challenged. “All’s not well with your world, is it, DiNozzo?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“You’re life has been irrevocably changed and not by your hand.”
He clenched his jaw. Tony definitely didn’t need Gibbs to remind him of what had happened; the shrapnel in his back and the wheelchair that he would be sitting in the rest of his days, served as a constant remembrance of his former life. “Not much I can do about it now.”
“I guess not. As much as I’d like to, I can’t change the past,” Gibbs stated.
“Then why dwell in it?” Tony snapped. “Why can’t you just let it go? I told you that I know it was an accident and that I forgive you; what else do you want from me? I’m not going to walk again, I’m not going to be able to be your senior field agent, I’m not even going to be able to have sex! We’ve been through this! Why do you want to keep rehashing it?”
Gibbs’ determined gaze cut right through him. “Because it’s still eating you up, just like it’s eating me up! You’re not going to be able to move on and neither am I until we clear the air between us.”
“I said I forgive you! What more is there to say?”
“I don’t know, Tony. Why don’t you tell me that I screwed up? Why don’t you tell me that you’re angry with me? Why don’t you…”
Tony could no longer contain his raging emotions. “Fine! You screwed up, Gibbs!” he roared. “Is that what you want to hear? You screwed up! Once again, you forgot you had a team and once again, we’re the ones who get caught up in your private little war! I guess we should be grateful that one of us didn’t up dead this time!”
He didn’t give Gibbs a chance to defend himself as Tony continued his tirade. The team leader had insisted on pushing him closer to the edge and now that he had gone over that precipice, he was barely hanging on to the side. “All you had to do was take a few seconds so we could put on a vest. How far were they going to get in those 15 seconds? Did you even know I went down the first time? How could you not have seen me get up? You know what, Gibbs? None of that really matters because when you get right down to it, I’m the idiot that walked into your line of fire.
“I guess that means we’re both at fault,” he stated, fire dripping from every word. “I’ve come to realize that it’s not you I’m pissed at; it’s me. I’m pissed because I was stupid enough to follow you like the loyal St. Bernard I am. I should have stopped you.”
“You couldn’t have,” Gibbs quietly admitted.
“I just didn’t try hard enough and now I’m paying my penance.”
Gibbs expression faded from uncertainty to disbelief. “You think you deserve this?”
“Don’t you?”
“How can you even ask me that?” the former Marine growled.
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose as he paused to consider his next words. For someone who enjoyed talking as much as he did, he was finding it difficult to sum up a life that had been filled with doubt and self loathing from a young age. “Just forget I said that.”
“Kind of hard to do that, DiNozzo.”
“Not now, Gibbs,” Tony warned. “I really don’t want to get into my warped psyche right now.”
“Tony, I…”
“Not now!” he bellowed. “Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? I’ve tried to live up to your expectations and I obviously can’t do it!”
“What do you mean by that?” Gibbs pressed.
“Just what I said. I don’t know what else you want me to do. I had your back for almost 7 years and it’s not good enough! I deserve what happened because I’m not good enough to…”
Tony choked back a sob. He couldn’t lose it now, not in front of Gibbs. Mentally chastising himself, he clenched his eyes shut but the tears still fell as his cheeks flushed a crimson red. “Go, Gibbs!” he cried. “Leave me alone!”
He didn’t have the energy to resist when he felt a pair of strong arms pull him close. The tears continued to flow uninhibited as Gibbs stroked the back of his head with his calloused hand. “We’re going to get through this, DiNozzo,” the Marine vowed.
“I can’t…do this, Boss. I can’t live my life…in a wheelchair. I can’t do this!” Tony wept.
“Yes, you can. Do you hear me?” Gibbs cupped his face in his hands. “Yes, you can. You can do anything that you set your mind to, Tony.”
The young man tried to pull away, but Gibbs would not relinquish his hold. “I’m going to help you through this; you’re gonna come out of this stronger than before.”
Uncomfortable with the display of fatherly affection, Tony pulled back once again in hope that Gibbs would sense his uneasiness with the physical contact. The team leader had always been able to read him like a book and he hoped that his skills didn’t fail him now. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Sorry for losing it like that.”
“Don’t apologize.”
“I know,” Tony sighed. “Sign of weakness.”
“That and you have nothing to apologize for. You have every right to feel the way you do.”
“What? Bitter and pissed at the world?”
“Don’t you mean bitter and pissed at me?”
“That too.”
“Good.”
Tony stared at Gibbs in disbelief. The stress from the past few weeks and more specifically the last few days, must have finally caught up to the team leader. “Good? You want me to be mad at you?”
“It means you’re starting to accept what happened.”
“Really, Dr. Phil?” he shot back. “Because I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of accepting anything. One minute I’m angry as hell and the next minute I’m crying like a baby. Doesn’t sound like someone who’s accepting the fact that he’s never going to walk again!”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Tony.”
His eyes narrowed. “What about you, Gibbs? When are you going to accept it?”
“Tony, I…”
“No!” Tony barked. “I want to know when you’re going to accept it. You said that you’d get me through it, but how if you can’t accept it? Can you accept the reality that I’m never going to be able to walk into the office again or go out to a crime scene? Can you deal with the fact that although it was an accident, it was your bullets that ended up paralyzing me? When you see me in that wheelchair, are you going to be able to treat me like you always have?”
Gibbs’ silence provided Tony with the answers to his questions. “That’s what I thought.”
“Are you through?” the team leader coolly inquired.
“For now.”
His eyes remained fixed on Gibbs as he stood up and moved to hover over the head of his bed. Unfortunately, his reaction time was slower than it used to be and the palm of the team leader’s hand made contact with his head. “Have I got your attention?” Gibbs demanded.
Tony’s good arm flew up but he was met with resistance as the former Marine grabbed his wrist. “I am always going to have to live with the fact that I put you in a wheelchair,” Gibbs began. “But I have no intention of treating you as anything less than the man you are. Those bullets didn’t change who you are inside; you’re still Tony DiNozzo, my senior field agent, my friend, and my…son.”
Gibbs took a deep breath and blew it out. “I’m proud of you Tony and nothing’s going to change between us. You’re still the best agent I’ve ever worked with and the fact that you can’t walk has no affect whatsoever on your mind. I’ve got people who can do the leg work, but what I don’t have is someone who can put the pieces together like you do. You’ve stood by me for a long time and now it’s time you let me return the favor.”
“I don’t want your pity,” Tony grunted.
“You’re not going to get it. I’m going to push your butt so hard, you’ll think you’re in boot camp. I’m not going to let you down again,” Gibbs declared.
Tony pulled his hand free and fingered the loose threads on his blanket. “It’s not going to be easy.”
“I know.”
“Sometimes it’s not going to be pretty.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to be in this rehab center a while. Is Jenny, I mean Director Shepard going to hold my job?”
“Yep. I’ll make sure of it. I think she owes you one or two.”
“Or three or four,” he added.
Gibbs held out his hand. “Do we have a deal, DiNozzo?”
Tony shook the older man’s hand. “Deal, Boss.”
“Good.”
He watched as Gibbs stepped outside and quickly returned with a duffle bag in hand. “Thought you’d like to wear something else to the rehab center besides a hospital gown,” he informed him.
Tony took the bag and clumsily opened it with one hand and pulled out a pair of sweats and a Marine Corp T-shirt with the words Semper Fidelas. “Trying to recruit me, Boss?”
“Nope, DiNozzo. Just reminding you to Semper Fi.”
He clutched the shirt in his hands, not trusting his voice to say anything but a simple, “Thanks, Boss.” Maybe things were going to be all right; only time would tell.
“Let’s get you ready,” Gibbs said. “Annie will be back with your papers in a minute.”
“You going with me, Gibbs?”
“Yep.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m a big boy; I can do this on my…” Gibbs glare silenced him. “Shutting up, Boss.”
Tony wasn’t comfortable with the idea of Gibbs dressing him, but at them moment, he really didn’t have a choice. As the team leader pulled back the cover, the card that had been concealed under his leg fell to the floor. Before Tony realized what had happened, Gibbs had picked up the card and was studying the address with great interest.
“This is from your dad,” Gibbs said.
“Yeah.”
“He’s been trying to get in touch with you. Why?’
Tony’s eyes narrowed. “How do you know that he’s been trying to get in touch with me?”
“Mrs. Kiser told me.”
He had a feeling that Gibbs wasn’t being completely honest with him, but he wasn’t sure he had the strength to start another fight. “Can I have my card back?”
Tony took the card and placed it inside his GSM magazine. “Thanks.”
“Aren’t you going to read it?”
“Not now.”
Gibbs sat on the edge of the bed. Tony silently cursed his useless legs as he realized he couldn’t escape the interrogation he was about to be subjected to. Out of the frying pan and into the fire; that seemed to be a summary of his life. Tony was beginning to wonder if this day was ever going to end.
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