No matter how much he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever McGee had to say, he couldn’t help dread the words that were fixing to come out of the younger man’s mouth. Various scenarios played through his mind, each of them leaving with the feeling that he was about to once again have his world come crashing down around him; he wasn’t sure that he could keep picking up the pieces only to have them scattered once again.
A brief flicker of sadness crept over Tony’s features as he realized that Tim’s visit had nothing to do with shooting the breeze with an old friend, but his purpose in coming to the center was completely work related. His newly acquired disability had already taken away so much from him and now it was apparently claiming his friends as well.
McGee had yet to say a word and the awkward silence was unnerving him. It had been a long time since he had seen Tim display such uncertainty and reluctance and Tony was disturbed by McGee’s sudden inability to speak. “Spit it out, McGee,” he quietly urged. “I mean I have all day, but I’m sure you don’t; so lead on, McDuff.”
McGee nervously cleared his throat. “I rehearsed what I was going to say all the way over here and now that I’m here, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be,” Tim attempted to reason. “It’s really not that important; just forget about it.”
“You’re here,” Tony pointed out. “You might as well go ahead and say what you came to say.”
“Now’s not a good time.”
“Why not?”
“Well, you’re…um…”
“Paralyzed? That’s not going to change, McGee.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Tony, I’m sorry,” McGee sighed. “I should have waited to come by after you’ve had a day or two to settle in.”
“And why is that?”
“It’s just that you’re probably worn out from the stress of the move and I know it’s been a long day…”
“No, Tim; I don’t think you do know.”
“I’ll just come back later,” McGee decided.
The frustration that Tony was feeling was quickly feeding into the anger that had been boiling beneath the surface of his warring emotions. Ever since the shooting, he had struggled to keep his feelings in check and he had failed miserably. His temper was like a smoldering ember that was ready to burst into a raging inferno with the least bit of provocation; unfortunately for McGee, he was about to experience his blazing wrath first hand.
“McGee!” he barked, his voice gruff and demanding. “Just tell me!”
“But Tony, I think that maybe…”
“Who asked you to think, McGee? You came here for a reason and it wasn’t to check on my well being. So why are you here?”
He saw Tim visibly bristle at his remark and Tony quickly realized that he had struck a nerve with the young agent; McGee was definitely avoiding telling him the real motive behind his visit.
“That’s not fair, Tony,” McGee countered. “Of course I’m interested in how you’re doing; I told you that I would have been by sooner but work has been kind of hectic and…”
“And you couldn’t spare a few minutes to come by the hospital,” Tony finished.
“IA was…”
“IA has been done with their investigation for a couple of days.”
“Do you think that you could let me finish a sentence?”
There was no mistaking the exasperation in McGee’s voice, but Tony refused to back down. He had been purposefully taunting the younger agent in hopes of forcing him to tell the truth as to why he was here and what it was he wanted to say.
“Do you think you can form one that will sound intelligent and informative?” he shot back.
Tony noticed the way that McGee was clenching his jaw; it silently thrilled him that Tim was now experiencing some of the anger that he had been consuming him the last few minutes. “I was trying to spare your feelings,” Tim attempted to reason.
“You weren’t too worried about them when you first walked in the room and said that you had something you wanted to tell me,” Tony pointed out. “Now, all of a sudden you’re making excuses all under the guise of sparing my feelings. Well do me a favor, McGee; don’t worry about my feelings because I’ve learned not to wear them on my sleeve.”
“Fine,” McGee snapped as he hastily stood and moved to the the foot of Tony’s bed. “Director Shepard has offered me the position of senior field agent.”
He was confused by McGee’s revelation. Why should Tim’s promotion upset him? Given the tutelage of the right team leader, McGee would flourish; he had always known that his ‘probie’ would one day want to spread his wings and he would do so with his blessing.
“McGee, that’s great!” Tony exclaimed. “Why were you so nervous about telling me that? Whose team are you moving to?”
The knot in his gut pulled tighter as Tim’s silence provided Tony with the answer that he should have but never expected to hear. “Wait a minute; Shepard promoted you to my position?”
“Um…yeah. I…uh…”
“Is Gibbs still the team leader?”
“Yes, but…”
“And he knows about this?”
“He does now. When I left he was on his way to talk to the Director.”
“I’m sure he’ll straighten it out,” he mumbled to himself.
“Tony, I’m pretty sure the Director has made up her mind.”
“But Gibbs hasn’t and Director Shepard doesn’t tell Gibbs what to do with his team.”
Tony’s laughter was forced as he tried to process what McGee’s announcement meant to his future; surely, he hadn’t been discarded by the wayside so easily by the agency that he had given the last seven years of his life to. “Besides, it’s not like you’re even considering accepting it. I mean, that’s crazy; right?”
The fact that McGee could no longer look him in the eye didn’t escape his notice. “Right, McGee?”
Again, his inquiry was met with silence. Tony blew out a pent up breath. “Wow. I guess I know now why you were acting so…McGeeish.”
“Tony, I just wanted you to hear it from me but when I got here, I realized that it wasn’t a good time.”
“I’m not sure there would have ever been a good time, McGee.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He met Tim’s concerned gaze with his own steely glare. “Are you going to accept the promotion?”
“I uh…I want to,” Tim admitted. “I think I’m ready.”
“You think you’re ready to be Gibbs’ senior field agent?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Have at it, man.”
Judging by the surprised expression on McGee’s face, he had not received the reaction that he had been expecting. “Are you serious? You’re okay with me taking over your job?”
Tony’s eyes narrowed, disbelief and rage shooting daggers at the younger man. “Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that question?”
“But you just said to have at it and I assumed that meant that you’re…but obviously you’re not.”
“Do ya think, McGee?”
“I just figured that you would be more comfortable knowing that I had Gibbs’ back since it’ll be a while before you come back to work.”
“Why should I come back? I apparently won’t have a job to come back to.”
“Director Shepard promised that you would still have a job and…”
“But it won’t be my job because you’re going to be doing my job.” Tony reminded him, not bothering to hide the anger and contempt he was experiencing.
“Tony, please don’t be angry. I knew this was a bad idea,” McGee muttered to himself. “I’m ready for this, Tony; I know I am.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose in a futile effort to ward off the impending headache that was making its presence known. “What do you want from me, McGee?”
“I want you to be okay with all this.”
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not okay with it.”
Tony felt as if a knife had been plunged into his heart and with every word McGee spoke, the blade was being thrust deeper and deeper until he no longer cared if he lived or died.
“Tony, just listen to me; I can do this.”
“This isn’t about you, McGee! Why do you think that this is about you? You don’t get it!”
“But…”
“Get out,” Tony growled. He needed to think but it was a difficult feat to accomplish with McGee constantly attempting to tell him how ready he was to take on the responsibilities of a senior field agent. The only consolation that he could walk away with was that Gibbs would more than likely make Tim’s life miserable when he assumed that role.
“I can’t leave when things are so strained between us,” Tim reasoned.
“Did you not hear me the first time? Has your promotion affected your hearing? Get out!” he roared, not caring who heard him as they passed by his room. “I may not be able to kick your ass out of here but this is my room and I can have you physically removed if I want to. It’s your choice; walk or be carried.”
“I suggest you walk, McGee; it’s a lot less humiliating.”
Both men glanced up to see Gibbs standing in the doorway. Tony simply shook his head in defeat and stared out the window once again. His emotions had literally been on a roller coaster all day and he wanted off this ride before the car he was riding in derailed.
He would let Gibbs handle McGee; Tony had said too much already. Why couldn’t he just have wished McGee good luck and put it behind him? Maybe because the hope that he was going to be able to return to work was all that he had been clinging to in an effort to psyche himself up for rehabilitation and now that dream had been shattered.
“Boss,” McGee nervously greeted. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough to know that Tony asked you to leave,” Gibbs answered. “Twice.”
“Boss, I didn’t mean…”
“We’ll talk later, McGee.”
“I can do the job, Boss. Just give me a chance.”
“I said we’d talk later, McGee.”
“Right,” McGee conceded. Making his way towards the door, he turned to acknowledge Tony. “I’m sorry, Tony.”
Tony continued to gaze out the window, purposefully ignoring McGee’s empty apology. He couldn’t blame McGee for wanting to be Gibbs’ senior field agent but at the same time, Tony couldn’t dismiss the feeling that Tim and the Director were undermining his efforts to reclaim his life.
He heard the door close but he knew that he wasn’t alone. There was no mistaking the determined footsteps of the team leader as he walked across the room and sat in the empty chair beside his bed. He should have known that Gibbs wouldn’t leave him alone so he could sulk in private; Tony hoped that the older man didn’t expect him to be very good company.
“You okay?” Gibbs asked, his usual gruffness replaced with quiet concern.
“I’m fine,” he lied, hoping that the team leader would understand that he wasn’t in the mood to talk.
“Really?”
Tony shook his head. “Nope, but I’ll deal with it.”
“Tony, you don’t…”
“Gibbs, don’t patronize me by telling me that I don’t have to deal with this alone because when it comes down to it, I don’t have a choice but to handle this myself; nobody can do it for me.”
“You’re right,” Gibbs agreed. “Nobody can do it for you, but you gotta remember that you’ve got a lot of people in your corner.”
“Like McGee and Director Shepard? What’s the old saying? With friends like that, who needs enemies?”
He knew that he probably sounded like a petulant child but at the moment, he didn’t care. Tony had been so concerned about keeping up appearances in front of everyone that he had been consistently pushing his own feelings and anxieties to the background; it was past time for a little self pity and thankfully Gibbs seemed to be willing to allow him to indulge in a little self abhorrence.
Tony sighed in frustration. “Never in a million years would I have thought that McGee would pull the rug out from under me like that.”
“It kind of surprised me too,” Gibbs admitted. “Of course, he had a little help.”
“I guess the Director is finally getting me back for screwing up her personal vendetta against La Grenouille and she’s using McGee to do it.”
“Seems that way.”
“I guess I thought that he’d always have my back; although I should’ve known better. He never really got used to me being the team leader when you were on your hiatus, I mean your sabbatical, I mean…”
“Stop while you’re ahead, DiNozzo.” Gibbs leaned forward in his chair. “Are you saying that McGee challenged your authority as team leader?”
“Sometimes, but he always came through in the end.”
“You never wrote him up?”
“No; it really didn’t serve any purpose especially after you came back and…”
“And took the team back?” Gibbs reluctantly finished.
“Yeah. But it was no big deal; I was glad you were back, although I wasn’t sure how stable you were.”
“Is that why you didn’t take the promotion?”
Tony closed his eyes hoping that Gibbs would take the hint that he didn’t like the direction in which the conversation had digressed. He didn’t like thinking about the past and second-guessing himself but ever since the shooting, he had done nothing but think about the ‘what ifs’ in his life.
What if he had died from his bout with pneumonic plague? What if things had turned out differently the time he had been accused of murder and had ended up spending his life in jail? What if he had taken that promotion? What if he had chosen Jeanne over NCIS? What if he had taken the time to put on his vest? There were too many what ifs in his life and rehashing them in his mind never changed the outcomes.
When he finally mustered the desire to speak, his voice was dripping with fatigue and his eyes bore a weariness that aged him several years. “Gibbs, I’m kind of tired. It’s been a…long day.”
“I’m sure it has. You’ve had a lot dumped on you today.”
“That’s a bit of an understatement.”
“Just for the record; I told the Director that McGee wasn’t ready to be my senior field agent and that as far as I was concerned, that position was still filled by you.”
“I bet she loved that.”
A mischievous grin escaped from Gibbs’ lips. “I’m not sure what she liked more; the fact that I said that you were still my senior field agent or the fact I told her I was taking off a few weeks.”
Puzzled, Tony asked, “You going somewhere, Boss?”
Gibbs shook his head. “Nope. I told you when this first happened that I was going to be by your side and I meant it. You’ve always had my six and I…”
Tony visibly bristled. “I’ve already told you that I don’t need your guilt and I don’t need a round the clock babysitter; I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself.”
“Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re going to need help. There’s nothing wrong in needing help.”
“I’m used to doing things on my own. I have been for a long time.”
“I’m not your father.”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Tony scoffed. “I don’t want you to stay out of guilt or pity, Gibbs.”
“You know me better than that.”
A knock on the door prevented Tony from having to answer the team leader. He knew the team leader, perhaps a little better than the other man realized; Gibbs would stay by his side and take whatever abuse that he heaped on him because the former Marine was still trying to ease his troubled conscience.
“Am I interrupting anything?” a familiar voice called out as the door opened.
“Great,” Tony mumbled under his breath. “I thought I got rid of her.”
“Who?’ Gibbs asked.
“Jethro Gibbs, meet Dr. Claire Williams; my shrink.”
Tony watched with feigned interest as Claire extended her hand to Gibbs. “It’s nice to meet you.” She quickly glanced at the file in her hand. “You’re Agent DiNozzo’s boss; am I correct?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Good. I’ll need to speak to you as well.” She turned her attention back to Tony. “One of the nurses paged me and told me that you were obviously upset; you were apparently screaming at one of your visitors.”
“Everything’s fine now,” Tony assured her. “It was a misunderstanding.”
“Do you always play the role of peacekeeper?”
Tony felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment. The last thing he wanted was this woman trying to air his psychiatric issues in front of Gibbs. “Maybe we can discuss this in my evaluation tomorrow,” he suggested, his tone tight and controlled.
“I’m sure we will. Do you need anything to help you relax? I can prescribe something…”
“No thanks. I’m good.” The last thing that Tony wanted was something that would force him to give up what little control he had in his life.
“Until tomorrow then,” she stated as she headed out of his room. “Agent Gibbs, may I have a word with you?”
“Be careful, Boss. She’s a tricky one,” Tony informed him.
“I’ll be right back,” Gibbs vowed.
“I’ll be right here.”
Where else was he going to go? He had only been at the rehab center for a day and he was already regretting his decision to stay. Tony was facing a difficult road and it seemed like fate was doing its best to work against him. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that life would have been much easier if he had died.
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