Gibbs wasn’t sure exactly what he thought of Dr. Claire Williams but he had decided to reserve his judgment until he heard what she had to say. As a rule, he didn’t trust psychiatrists; he merely tolerated them when necessary and right now was apparently one of those times that he would have to curb his natural gut reaction of dislike and distrust.
He followed her down the corridor until they were out of earshot of Tony’s room. The team leader had easily sensed DiNozzo’s discomfort around the doctor; they had obviously exchanged words and now Tony was guarded and Gibbs knew that Dr. Williams was going to have a difficult time breaking through the barrier that Tony had erected around his private thoughts and emotions. He and DiNozzo both kept their feelings close to the vest, neither one welcoming any outsider to delve into their psyche; there were too many demons vying for control and they didn’t need anyone else in the fray of the battle.
Leaning against the wall, he waited impatiently as the psychiatrist took yet another glance at Tony’s chart. After a few minutes, she clutched the record to her chest and met his piercing orbs with her own determined gaze. Gibbs had a feeling that he was about to receive a dressing down that would put his old drill instructor to shame.
“I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me, Agent Gibbs,” the physician began. “I know you want to visit with Agent DiNozzo, so I won’t keep you long.”
“I appreciate that. He’s probably ready to see a friendly face; he’s had a rough first day.”
“Yes, he has,” she agreed. “I’m sure that he’s feeling overwhelmed but it will get easier.”
“Shouldn’t you be giving DiNozzo this pep talk?” Gibbs asked, his distaste for the seemingly arrogant psychiatrist growing every second.
“I don’t think he’s ready to listen yet; he’s still quite defensive about everything that has happened,” Claire pointed out.
Gibbs arched his brow, his grim expression etched with disbelief and frustration. “Defensive? How did you expect him to react?”
“Truthfully, I fully expected him to be defensive; it’s common for someone who’s had such a life altering experience to be angry and scared. Until he truly accepts what happened, his moods will be unpredictable and his emotions will be all over the place; Agent DiNozzo may hide behind his sharp wit and a shield of false bravado, but sooner or later, it will all come to a head. When it does, I just want to make sure that you’re prepared to deal with the fallout.”
The team leader scrubbed his face, using those precious few seconds to attempt to conceal his irritation. “I can take care of Tony.”
“You may think you know how to deal with Agent DiNozzo, but now that he’s starting rehabilitation, this is a whole new ball game. He doesn’t need someone to take care of him; he needs someone who can both support him and give him a push when he needs it.
“He’s in for a rough road both physically and mentally and since you’re listed as his next of kin and obviously plan on being around a majority of the time…”
“How about you stop beating around the bush and get to the point?”
He realized he had struck a nerve when he saw the doctor visibly bristle. Gibbs was tired of playing games; he needed to go and try and finish undoing the damage that McGee had inflicted by informing Tony of his promotion. Unfortunately, McGee’s revelation had opened up some old wounds that he didn’t realize existed until today; his unintentional callousness that he had exhibited all those years ago had been a blow to DiNozzo’s self confidence and although the senior field agent had hidden behind the mask of indifference, there wasn’t a doubt in Gibbs’ mind that his actions had once again hurt the son of his heart.
“Okay,” Claire frustratingly conceded. “I’ll get to the point.”
“Please do.”
“I know that you think by constantly hovering over Agent DiNozzo that you’re helping him, but truthfully, you’re guilt and sense of obligation are only going to get in the way of his rehabilitation. It’s quite obvious that you’re a person of influence in his life and he wants your approval; if he thinks that you’re opposed to any aspect of his treatment, especially the mental component, he’ll balk and become resistive to the people that are trying to help him.”
“You mean people life you?”
“Yes.”
Her venomous words were meant to sting, but they only served to further anger the former Marine. How dare this woman all but accuse him of trying to sabotage Tony’s recovery? How could she accuse him of something so ludicrous when she didn’t even know him?
He took a menacing step towards her, forcing her back against the opposite wall. “Who do you think you are? You clearly have no clue as to what you’re talking about because if you did, you’d know that I would never do anything to hinder Tony’s recovery! What he does or doesn’t do is entirely up to him; I’m not in control of his life and quite frankly neither are you!”
“I never claimed to be in control of his life, Agent Gibbs,” she seethed. “I’m his psychiatrist and it’s my job to help him come to terms with everything that’s happened and that includes helping him accept the fact that someone that he knows and trusts shot him, leaving him paralyzed for life.”
“You don’t pull any punches, do you?”
“No; not when it comes to the welfare of my patients.”
“Evidently you’ve done your homework,” Gibbs fumed. Was he ever going to be able to put his mistake behind him? He and Tony had supposedly moved on; why was Dr. Williams trying to throw the past in his face?
“I know that I’m responsible for Tony never being able to walk again, but I’ll be damned if I’m going stand here and let you tell me that my mere presence is going to be a setback. We’ve moved past what happened and now we’re both trying to focus on his recovery, but it seems that you’ve already passed judgment on something that you know nothing about.”
“I…”
He leaned even closer to her until their faces were mere centimeters apart. “Don’t say another word,” the team leader warned. “It’s my turn to talk and your turn to listen. You’ve talked to DiNozzo twice and all you’ve managed to do is tick him off; doesn’t seem like you’re doing your job, does it? If you’re going to get into a pissing contest with him every time you walk in there, you’re going to lose him; Tony may get defensive but he’s still got some pride and he’s not going to be intimidated by the likes of you.”
The doctor began to laugh. Gibbs glared at her, confused by her sudden change in demeanor. “You find something funny about this, Dr. Williams?”
“It doesn’t take much to push your buttons; does it Agent Gibbs?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She stepped around him in an effort to regain some of her personal space. “It means that I needed to see how hard you were going to fight for Agent DiNozzo and it’s clear to me that you’re in this for the long haul,” she calmly explained.
Dr. Williams had been testing him and according to her, he had passed with flying colors. “I don’t like head games,” he growled.
“Neither do I.”
“Yet you seem intent on playing them. You’re lucky that I’m not having you removed from Tony’s case.”
“Why would you do that? I’m very good at my job and I can help your friend.”
“I’m not because it’s not my decision; like I said, Tony makes his own choices regarding his treatment. However, the first time I see you try and manipulate him, I’ll throw you out on your arrogant ass and there will be no second chances. Have I made myself clear?”
“Perfectly,” Claire confidently stated. “I admire your loyalty to Agent DiNozzo; I don’t think it’s something that he’s completely used to.”
“I take care of my own; he knows I have his back.”
Dr. Williams sighed in what Gibbs couldn’t only describe as temporary defeat. Tucking the chart under her arm, she began to head down the hallway towards Tony’s room. She glanced over her shoulder, her final words were clearly meant to condemn him. “Does he, Agent Gibbs?” Claire inquired as she walked away, clearly satisfied that she had gotten the final word.
Gibbs watched her go back into Tony’s room. His first impulse was to rush down to DiNozzo’s room and throw her out, but that would do nothing but add to the stress that he was already experiencing. He raked his hands through his hair as he permitted the anger and frustration that had been fueling him to ebb away. Blowing out a frustrated breath, he leaned against the wall beside the nurse’s station.
“She’s actually very good at what she does; she just has an unorthodox ways of doing things.”
He looked up to see one of the night shift nurses standing beside him with a cup of coffee in her hand. “Here,” she said, handing the cup to him. “You look like you could use this.”
“Thank you,” he mumbled.
“You’re welcome,” the nurse replied. “Listen, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but she really does care; more than most. We’ve all seen families torn apart by a loved one’s disability; she just wants to be sure that Tony’s not going to have to face the possibility of you walking out on him when the going gets tough.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he vowed.
“I know and I’m pretty sure she realizes it now.”
He took a sip of his coffee and stared after the psychiatrist. Maybe she did have Tony’s best interests in mind, but he still wasn’t sure that he trusted her; of course, there were very few people he trusted so he couldn’t pass judgment on that fact alone.
Nodding his thanks to the nurse, he slowly headed back towards Tony’s room. “I’m not going anywhere, Tony,” he mumbled to himself, reaffirming the promise he had made earlier. “I’m not going anywhere.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Despite the fact that he was physically and mentally exhausted, Tony found himself unable to sleep. Within the span of a day, he had moved from the hospital to the rehab facility, met what seemed like a hundred different people, each one attempting to explain what part they would play in his rehabilitation, fought with his shrink twice, and learned that he more than likely wouldn’t have a job to come back to if and when he ever got out of this fine facility.
Of course, he couldn’t forget the fact that someone he considered to be a friend had betrayed him by accepting the promotion to Gibb’s senior field agent; a position that meant more to him than anything in the world. Being Gibbs’ right hand man had given him an identity and now it had been ripped away; the position had helped him become the man he was, or actually the man he used to be. He was no longer Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo; he was…Tony sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Who was he kidding? He had no idea who he was anymore.
“You should have taken me up on my offer of giving you something to help you sleep.”
Tony rolled his eyes at the sound of Dr. Williams voice. “I told you I don’t want anything,” he grumbled.
“I know what you told me but you have yet to fall asleep.”
He blew out a pent up breath. What was it about this woman that got under his skin? “I will when I’m ready. I do my best thinking at night.”
“What are you thinking about?” she inquired.
“About what I have to say to get you the hell out of my room,” he coolly replied.
“You could just tell me to get out,” Claire suggested.
“Get out.”
“Abrupt and to the point. Just like your Boss.”
“Why are you still here? You told me that I could tell you to get out.”
“And you did. It doesn’t mean that I have to comply,” she retorted.
“What do you want from me?” Tony barked, his exhaustion fueling his anger and irritation at the physician.
“Honesty.”
Tony winced when his body visibly bristled; he had to start remembering that his shoulder was still injured before he allowed his emotions to dictate his physical reactions. When he finally answered, his voice was tight and controlled as he fought against the pain in his shoulder. “My evaluation isn’t until tomorrow. I’m not answering anything else for you tonight; besides, I thought you were talking to Gibbs.”
“I was.”
“And?”
“I was just making sure that he was prepared for the road ahead.”
“Gibbs is probably more prepared than I am,” Tony admitted.
“I’m not sure either of you are prepared but time will tell.”
“Thanks for your vote of confidence, Doc.”
“I’m just being a realist.”
Tony couldn’t help but laugh; she wasn’t the only one adept at reading people. “Judging by the way you’re acting, I’m guess Gibbs told you to go to hell?”
“Not in so many words,” she smirked. “He is very protective of you and I believe that he wants what’s best for you.”
“Yeah,” he whispered. “He does.”
“I’m glad. Now, I’m heading home; the nurse’s have my number if you need anything, otherwise, I’ll see you tomorrow for your evaluation.”
The echo of footsteps caused both he and Claire to glance up at the door. Tony followed Gibbs’ every movement as he went around the doctor and pulled up a chair on the other side of the bed. There was no mistaking the tension between the doctor and the team leader; Tony found himself wishing he could have been a fly on the wall during what apparently was a heated conversation.
“Agent Gibbs,” greeted the doctor.
Gibbs merely nodded; it was obvious that he didn’t have anything else to say to the psychiatrist. Tony could easily sense his aversion of the woman; the daggers that his eyes were shooting at her were a testament to the dislike that he felt.
“Tony, I’ll leave an order with the nurses if you change your mind,” Claire informed him as she made her way to the door. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.”
As she closed the door behind her, Tony turned his attention back to the former Marine. “Kind of got chilly in here; don’t ya think?”
“I’m rather comfortable.”
“Right.”
“I figured you’d be asleep.”
“Can’t sleep. My mind’s too wired; too much too take in.”
“Wanna talk about it?” Gibbs offered.
“Not really; I’ve got to get it all straight in my head first.”
“Planning on trying to pull the wool over Dr. Williams’ eyes? You’re going to have your work cut out for you.”
“I’ve handled shrinks before,” he reminded the team leader.
“She’s not your average shrink,” Gibbs pointed out. “She’s got a devious streak.”
“I know. She must have really got to you, huh?” Tony taunted. “I mean, whatever she said must have pissed you off; that little vein in the side of your head is still throbbing.”
“Let’s just say that we came to an understanding of sorts.”
“And that would be?”
“We both want what’s best for you.”
Tony swallowed hard. Sometimes the paternal devotion that Gibbs exhibited towards him was too much to bear. He had always considered himself to be self reliant but now, that particular trait had been shattered into a million pieces by a bullet. Tony had to count on the assistance of others to help him with the most basic necessities of life; it was humiliating beyond words and he didn’t like being a burden to others. Who was he to say that he knew what was best for him? He had no idea what to do next and his confusion and frustration grew with every passing moment.
“I don’t even know what that is right now,” Tony mumbled.
“You will in time.”
“I guess so; seems like all I’ve got is time.”
Gibbs leaned forward and waited patiently for Tony to meet his gaze. “Tony, I know you’re upset about McGee but believe me, you’re irreplaceable. Rule number 5.”
“I don’t think I qualify as ‘good’ anymore,” Tony countered. “Maybe used up ‘goods’.”
He felt a familiar slap upside the head. “I don’t want to ever hear you talk like that again. You still have a lot to offer, Tony; don’t count yourself out.”
“Sure,” Tony scoffed. “I think I’m kind of sleepy after all, Boss.”
Tony was done talking for the night; there had been too many people trying to get inside his head lately and he was not in the mood to rehash the events of the day. There would be plenty of time to talk, once he figured out what it was he was supposed to say.
Just as he closed his eyes, an unbearable pain shot through his back; it felt like thousands of sharp knives cutting into him. Tony gasped in pain, clutching the sheet with his good hand as the razors in his back continued to slice into his nerves. How was this possible? How could he feel such a high degree of agony when he was supposed to be paralyzed?
Gibbs was now standing over him, calling his name, alarm and concern evident in his voice. “Tony! Tony! What’s wrong?”
Unfortunately, Tony could not make his lips form the words that would bring relief to the waves of pain that he was being forced to endure. After a few seconds, some garbled words finally escaped and DiNozzo silently prayed that Gibbs could understand him.
“My…b….ba…back!” he cried out, arching his back in an effort to ease his pain.
“You’re back?” Gibbs repeated.
“Sh…sharp…pain…h…hurts…”
“All right,” Gibbs soothed. “Take it easy!”
“Can’t…hurts…sick.”
Tony promptly vomited; the agony that he was experiencing forced his stomach to do somersaults. He barely heard Gibbs calling for the nurse; all he was aware of was that he was in a world of pain and at the moment, he was desperately hanging on a precipice over a dark abyss.
He felt several pairs of hands on him, cleaning him up and asking him questions that his muddled mind could not follow; a moan was the only answer that Tony could muster although he knew that his guttural reply would not satisfy the medical personnel, especially the man that was now hovering over him.
“Tony, I’m Dr. Lassiter. I’m the on call physician for tonight; I know you’re hurting, but I need you to listen to me. Do you understand me? I’m going to give you something for the pain and then I have a few questions to ask.”
He felt a prick in his good arm and within a few seconds, the pain was beginning to subside to a constant dull ache. Tony reached out blindly and felt a familiar calloused hand grab onto his hand.
“You’re gonna be all right, DiNozzo,” Gibbs promised. “Just take it easy.”
Tony merely nodded as he continued to permit the effects of the drug take over his body. He was starting to relax and although he could still feel the all too familiar ache, Tony no longer had to fight the pain that had snuck up on him like a thief in the night, leaving him spent and feeling more debilitated than before.
“All right, Agent DiNozzo,” the doctor began. “Let’s see what’s going on with you.”
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