Gibbs had been watching Tony sleep for close to an hour, grateful that the young man was finally able to rest. It had been a long day for both of them and unfortunately it wasn’t over yet. Glancing at his watch, he wondered how much longer it would be before the doctor returned with the results of the X-rays; although Lassiter’s appearance would mean waking DiNozzo from his semi-peaceful slumber, he knew that Tony would want to hear what the doctor had to say.
DiNozzo’s control over his emotions was tenuous at best and the doctor’s vagueness was only adding to Tony’s ever mounting frustration. Gibbs recalled the desperate prayer that had escaped the dark-haired man’s lips as he begged God to give him back the use of his legs. It had been a heart-wrenching plea, one that he would never forget; the sincerity and simplicity of Tony’s words had stirred something within him that had persuaded him to utter his own prayer.
He was brought out of his reverie by a light rap on the door. Gibbs looked up to discover Dr. Lassiter entering the room carrying what appeared to be Tony’s record. The team leader gently shook Tony, quietly urging him to wake up. “Hey DiNozzo; the doctor’s here.”
It only took a few seconds for Tony to become aware of his surroundings. Gibbs rose from his seat and stood beside DiNozzo in hopes that his physical presence would serve as a source of encouragement and support to the hurting man.
“I’m sorry to disturb you,” Lassiter began, “but I know that you were anxious to hear the results of your X-rays.”
“It’s about time,” Tony muttered.
Gibbs had to smile at DiNozzo’s sharp retort; whenever he was tired or hurting, Tony tended to become curt and short tempered, often surprising those around him. Ever since the shooting, Tony’s moods had been unpredictable and he knew that until he truly came to terms with everything that he was going to have to be prepared for the waves of anger that would be coming his way.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” the physician apologized. “I was comparing them to your original X-rays and it looks like I was right in my initial assessment; the fragments have shifted slightly and are pressing against a nerve and that’s what was causing you so much pain.”
Gibbs gave Tony’s shoulder a gentle squeeze but DiNozzo seemed to ignore the gesture as he attempted to process the doctor’s words. He realized that more than anything Tony wanted to Lassiter to tell him that this latest development meant that he was going to be able to walk again, but Gibbs had a feeling that was the last thing that the doctor was going to say.
“I’ll speak with Dr. Gibson in the morning and we’ll discuss what the best course of action we need to take,” Lassiter continued.
“Course of action?” DiNozzo pressed. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well, there is the option of surgery, but it’s still very risky; however, we may not have a choice but to operate. There’s a chance that they could shift again and cause further problems and…”
“What’s my other option?”
“To do nothing. The fragments may stabilize and not cause anymore problems; personally I think…”
“Is either one of those options going to allow me to walk again?”
“No, but…”
Gibbs saw Tony purposefully shut down; he was through talking with the doctor and the team leader knew DiNozzo well enough to know that he was done listening to what Lassiter had to say. With a subtle shake of his head, he silenced the physician who promptly excused himself from the room with a promise to come check on Tony at a later time.
Lassiter left them alone, pulling the door closed behind him to afford them some privacy. Gibbs knew that he should have some words of wisdom or comfort for Tony, but for some reason, his lips couldn’t form the words he needed to say. He sat back down in the chair so that he was now eye level with Tony.
“Are you all right?” he asked, mentally preparing himself for the storm that was brewing.
“I’m fine, Gibbs; you don’t have to worry about me,” Tony replied, his jaw clenched tightly as he fought a losing battle with his emotions. “I shouldn’t have even got my hopes up; I was stupid to think that I’d walk again. I should have known…”
“Should have known what, Tony?” Gibbs gently urged.
“That I was wasting my time.”
“Wasting your time?”
He had a feeling that Tony was referring to the prayer that he had uttered earlier that night. DiNozzo had taken a chance and had once again been burnt for his endeavor; neither he nor Tony considered themselves to be religious men and for them to call on a higher power was a leap of faith on their part. Now, that faith had been shattered.
“Tony, I’m sorry.” Gibbs didn’t know what else to say.
“You’re breaking one of your own rules, Gibbs.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time; probably won’t be the last.”
“Probably not,” Tony agreed.
Gibbs shifted forward in his chair. “Tony, look at me,” he insisted. Although his tone lacked its usual gruffness, it still demanded respect and DiNozzo would not deny him his request.
His steely gaze met the pain filled one of his senior field agent. Gibbs recognized that it wasn’t physical agony plaguing Tony; it was the emotional anguish that was consuming him. “Are you listening to me?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“I know that you’re disappointed and…”
“Don’t say that. You have no idea how I’m feeling right now,” Tony fumed.
“Frustrated? Helpless? Hopeless? Pissed? Does that about cover it? I know what you’re feeling because I’m feeling it too! Don’t you think that I want your doctor to walk in here and say that you’re going to walk again? Don’t you think that I want that for you?”
“Do you want it for me or for you? If I’m able to walk again, you won’t have to live with your guilt.”
Gibbs was taken back by Tony’s venomous accusation. He had done his best to bury his guilt, but despite his efforts, DiNozzo managed to see through his façade. The team leader couldn’t help but be angered by the other man’s gall in questioning his actions. Tony’s well being had become his top priority and now his motives were being challenged.
“My guilt is my business,” Gibbs countered. “How dare you throw it in my face! I’m trying to help you!”
“I don’t want your help!”
“Yes, you do. You’re just too afraid to accept it!”
“Maybe I am,” he relented, “but I’ve got a right to be! What’s your excuse? You’re just as afraid as I am!”
Gibbs took a deep breath and blew it out in an effort to calm his frazzled nerves. He couldn’t argue with Tony’s reasoning; he was scared but he wasn’t sure of what. “I didn’t mean to upset you, Tony. Maybe I should let you rest.”
“Yeah, like I don’t get enough of that.”
He stood up and started towards the door. “Tony, I know you’re angry but just so you know, you’re not gonna run me off that easy. I’m in this for the long haul and not because I feel guilty; I’m in it because I want to be and I know that if our situations were reversed, you’d do the same thing. It’s called being a family.”
Tony continued to stare at the ceiling, refusing to acknowledge him. With one final glance, Gibbs opened the door and left Tony’s room, leaving DiNozzo alone to mull over his last words. Maybe a little time away from each other would do them both good; he could count on one hand the times that he had left Tony’s side and truthfully, he could use the break as well.
Gibbs walked out the main entrance and to his car; he had a bottle of bourbon and a boat calling his name and hopefully between those two things, he would figure out a way to reach Tony.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The next morning Tony woke up, uncertain of how long he had actually been asleep. After Gibbs had left, the nurse had come in and given him something to help him sleep and he had forgone his normal protest and accepted the medication without offering any resistance. His quiet acceptance had surprised the nursing staff and he was sure that he would be receiving an early visit from his shrink. She seemed determined to get inside his mind but he was determined to keep her out; Dr. Claire Williams missed her chance last night to see him at his worst. Pain and disappointment had spurred on his anger, prompting him to lash out at everyone, including the one person who had been by his side since the shooting.
He was ashamed of the way that he had treated Gibbs and wouldn’t blame the team leader if he simply gave up on him. Maybe he was trying to give the former Marine a way out without any regrets, but he knew that Gibbs would be back; the team leader wouldn’t quit on him. Gibbs’ loyalty and friendship was the one thing he wasn’t sure he could do without.
“Good Morning, Tony.”
Tony recognized his regular physician, Dr. Gibson, as he entered his room studying what he assumed to be his chart. The physician’s appearance was just what he needed first thing in the morning; someone else to remind him of the fiasco of the previous night. He had lost control of his emotions, something that he rarely did; his pain and frustration and had only served to aggravate his frazzled nerves and he had lashed out at everyone around him.
“Morning,” he mumbled.
“I spoke with Dr. Lassiter and he told me that you had a rough night.”
“Dr. Lassiter has the gift of understatement.”
Tony’s gaze followed Gibson as he sat down in the chair next to his bed, hoping that the physician wasn’t going to give him another pep talk; he wasn’t ready to hear a bunch of false platitudes.
“I’ve looked at the X-rays and the fragments…”
“I know,” Tony sighed. “The fragments have shifted; Lassiter told me.”
“I’m going to put you a few more days of bed rest to make sure they stabilize; if they don’t then we’ll have to go ahead and remove them”
“And if you don’t remove them?”
“Depending on the damage the fragments cause, your paralysis could spread or worse.”
“Worse?” Tony shook his head. “Right now, I’m not sure it could get much worse.”
Tony didn’t bother to hide the bitterness that was beginning to consume him. Was it too much to ask to be the recipient of some good news for a change?
“Look Tony, we just have to wait and…”
“That’s all I’ve been doing! I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life now that I can’t walk, but no one seems to have an honest answer.”
“You want to know what to do with the rest of your life?” Gibson asked. “You live it.”
“I’m not sure I can or if I want to.”
“With that attitude, you’ll never make it,” the doctor stated. “You’re alive, Agent DiNozzo and that has to count for something.”
Tony closed his eyes, hoping that Dr. Gibson would take the hint that he was through talking. Fortunately, the physician didn’t push him and with a pat on his arm, promised to come by and check on him later. He started to tell the doctor not to waste his time but he figured that comment would have simply led to yet another lecture.
A few minutes later, he heard the sound of his food tray being placed on the table. Opening his eyes, he saw Gretchen taking the lid off his breakfast and making sure that everything was within his reach.
“At last, a friendly face,” Tony tiredly grinned.
“Surely it hasn’t been that bad,” Gretchen said, as she pressed the button that would raise the head of his bed. Tony instinctively tried to sit up prompting the nurse to place a gentle restraining hand on his chest. “You let me do all the work,” she reminded him. “Doctor’s orders.”
Tony relented and allowed the nurse to position him to where he was sitting up better. He despised feeling helpless and due to circumstances beyond his control he was once again dependent on the kindness of others whether by duty or friendship. His cheeks flushed a crimson red as he clumsily wiped a tear away before it could be seen by the lovely nurse.
“I’ll be back after breakfast to help get you cleaned up and situated,” Gretchen promised.
“I can’t wait,” he grumbled.
“Tony, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s all going to work out. I’ve seen men and women lose far more than you have and they are in the community holding down jobs and living normal lives; give it time. Let us help you,” she pleaded.
He felt his anger boiling beneath his skin, coursing through his veins like a river; Tony knew that Gretchen meant well and he genuinely liked the woman and she didn’t deserve his wrath. He gave her a curt nod and a tiny smile, hoping that she would accept his silent answer as a form of acceptance to her idealistic optimism.
Tony was relieved when Gretchen left; he was able to take off his mask that had hidden his doubts and insecurities and cast it aside. His anger and frustration was all but consuming him and he could no longer control it, nor did he particularly want to. Tony needed to vent but all that usually got him was another pep talk; he was tired of talking and he was tired of people telling him that everything would be all right when nothing would be the same again.
The frustration building, Tony took his good arm and sent the breakfast tray flying across the room, splattering on the floor and the wall. It was a good thing that he wasn’t hungry because nothing had been spared from his fit of rage. He no longer cared that he was supposed to stay quiet and still as a guttural cry escaped from his throat; taking his good arm, he tore at the bandages that was binding his other shoulder as the need to be able to use the parts of his body that he could feel and move took precedence over common sense.
“I see I’ve arrived just in time.”
Looking up at the sound of the familiar yet unwelcome voice, Tony’s hardened gaze met the disapproving one of Dr. Claire Williams. He didn’t want this woman inside his head and he was bound and determined to keep her out. Tony reminded himself that he had the ability to beat most shrinks at their own game; he just wasn’t sure that he was at the top of his game.
“What are you doing here?” Tony wanted to know.
“Have you forgotten already? We have an appointment to do your initial psych eval and since you had a difficult night last night, I thought I’d come in a little early and see if you wanted to…”
“Talk?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
Claire laughed as she stepped over the mess on the floor and claimed the seat beside his bed. “I’m not use to hearing that from men.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” he replied, clenching his jaw so tightly that he was beginning to get a headache.
“Agent DiNozzo, you’ve been through a lot and now you’re facing the possibility of another surgery; you have every right to be upset and angry. Your nerves are fried and you have no idea how much more you can take and you want everyone to understand how you feel, but they don’t.”
How could this woman seemingly see right through him? Was he that transparent? “No, they don’t,” he quietly agreed. “I don’t even understand how I feel.” Tony gave himself a mental head slap for that revelation; he was giving her ammunition and he knew that she wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
“That’s why I’m here,” Claire pointed out. “To help you understand your feelings as well as help you adjust to your new life.”
“There was nothing wrong with my old life.”
“But you can’t go back to your old life.”
Tony knew she was right but to accept that his old lifestyle no longer existed was to lose the glimmer of hope he had firmly held onto despite the doctors’ efforts to force him to face reality. “It’s not worth it,” he whispered, momentarily forgetting that Dr. Williams was sitting beside him.
“What’s not worth it?” she inquired.
He brushed off her question with a shake of his head. Tony had already revealed too much to the psychiatrist; if she expected anything else, she was going to have to work for it.
“Really, Agent DiNozzo; I expected more than to receive the silent treatment from you.”
“Get used to disappointment.”
Tony saw Claire jot down something in his chart; he was beyond caring about what she had written because he knew that she had already formed her supposed objective opinion regarding his state of mind. He was glad when she stood up and began to make her way towards the door.
“I’ll tell Gretchen that you had an…accident with your tray and see about getting you another one,” she stated as she tucked his file under her arm.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Then I’ll tell her that you’re ready to be cleaned up and we will begin your evaluation at nine a.m. I’ll see you in an hour.”
His fingers wrapped around the blanket as he bit back a sharp retort. He was dreading this evaluation because he figured that she was probably already prepared to send him to the psychiatric ward; why couldn’t she simply write ‘crazy’ across his file and leave him alone? Tony heard her just outside his door informing Gretchen of what had happened; the nurse was not going to be happy with him but he couldn’t find it within him to care.
Tony tried to block out the women’s voices, but at the mention of Gibbs’ name, he began to listen in earnest, straining to hear every word they were saying. From the conversation he gathered that Dr. Williams was going to call Gibbs and talk to him again; obviously she didn’t get enough of the team leader’s charming personality that he usually reserved for when he had to deal with shrinks.
As Gretchen entered his room and closed the door behind her, he heard the psychiatrist saying, “Agent Gibbs, this is Dr. Williams. We need to talk.”
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