I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.
He blinked awake slowly, a lulling scent surrounding him. He glanced around himself, puzzled, and realized that he was no where he knew. It looked a little like the beach in Mexico that he’d stayed on, except there was nothing but white sand and crystal blue water for as far as the eye could see. The waves lapped at the shore, and the sun shone brightly, warming the shadow over his heart. “Beautiful isn’t it?” asked her soft voice, the one she reserved for when they were alone and she wasn’t pissed at him. There she was, standing next to him as if she’d always been there, as if it weren’t a miracle for her to be whole and well and...there. “It’s not so bad you know, being here. I never really had any faith before Cali was born, she was my miracle, and she made me see things differently.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asked, afraid to ask but needing to know.
She gazed up at him sadly, her red hair dancing in the breeze. “It was after our first break-up. I was still in love, but I knew you’d fallen out, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want you to resent her. And then when we kept getting back together, I thought about telling you, but I knew you weren’t ready. You were still too hurt by what happened to Shannon and Kelly.”
“But I would’ve taken care of you two.” He persisted.
“I know you would have.” She smiled and brushed her fingers through his hair tenderly, like she used to after they made love. “You would have married me, and you would’ve done all the right things for Cali, but you wouldn’t have been happy. I didn’t want you to just be doing your duty by us. I knew I loved you, and I knew you weren’t sure yet, so I decided that I’d tell you when you were. The day you proposed was the day I would’ve told you about our daughter.” Tears sparkled in her bright green eyes at the thought of her child. “God, I miss her.” She murmured, coiling her arms around his neck and burying her head in his shirt. “Take care of her for me, okay?” she pleaded, voice breaking. “I know she’ll test you, and I know you don’t think you can do right by her, but I wouldn’t have chosen you if I didn’t believe you’re fully capable of being a good father to her, Jethro.”
Gibbs rubbed her back comfortingly and she pulled away, laughing anxiously as she wiped at her eyes. “Why couldn’t you ask for help, Jenny?” he asked miserably. “Why did you go out on a suicide mission?”
“I was dying anyway.” She replied softly.
“But Ducky said you could’ve lasted anywhere from six months to six years.” He pointed out, his voice thick with emotion. “Why couldn’t you stay with me for that? With Cali?”
She laughed, crying a little. “I got to protect the two of you from my mistake in Russia, that’s all that matters to me. Besides, I would’ve been wasting away in a hospital if I’d lived. You know me, I would hate that. I’d rather go down fighting to protect the ones I love, there’s more honour in it.”
“Yeah, but....”
“I can’t stay much longer Jethro.” She interrupted gently, touching his cheek. She leaned up to kiss him, pouring all of herself into the kiss. “Just promise me you’ll take care of Cali. She needs you, needs her father, now especially. Promise you’ll look after her, and I’ll have had everything I ever wanted from my life, okay?” He’d only seen Jenny cry a couple of times, but there was something so much more painful about this time.
He could barely breathe from the pressure building up in his throat as he tried not to cry with her, and he struggled to force out his words. “I was trying to propose before you left, Jenny.” He whispered hoarsely, and she smiled.
“I know.” She touched a finger to his lips. “You were never very good at hiding things from me, sweetheart. That’s why I knew I was doing the right thing. You were ready for her, ready to be there for her when I was gone. Promise me Jethro.” She seemed to be fading as she spoke, her voice growing distant and her form weaker in the glare of the sun. The day was stiflingly hot now, oppressive rather than healing. “Promise me.”
“I promise.” He barely heard the words leave his mouth and she kissed him again with all her strength.
His eyes flashed open and he was alone in his dark bedroom. He caught the scent of her perfume drifting across the room, a flash of her warm and loving presence, but it faded quickly, and he was left with an aching heart and a burning throat. He reached over to the nightstand by his bed, forcing back tears as he pulled out the little box that had sat there for weeks. He pushed himself into a sitting position, turning it over in his hand absently. He opened it, gazing at the sparkling ring sadly. It was perfect for her, if only she’d gotten to wear it. White gold and a small diamond surrounded by a delicate mint green stone he couldn’t remember the name of. Agate maybe. He sighed and set the box, still open, under the lamp on the nightstand. He sat there for a while, just looking at the ring, and then he got up and headed downstairs. He was just passing the room he’d set Cali up in when he heard a quiet sound, much like the one he’d heard at Jenny’s house the first night he’d met his daughter. He bit his lip and knocked on the door gently. “Cali?” he asked softly, but his only answer was another soft, sniffling noise. He pushed the door open cautiously and stepped inside.
Cali felt the mattress shift as he sat down next to wear she lay on her stomach, her face buried in the pillow and her headphones plugged into her ears. She didn’t want to look up, that would mean acknowledging his presence, and wasn’t ready to admit that he’d caught her crying yet. She felt a soft hand stroke her hair hesitantly and cried harder. Now she couldn’t bear to look at him, because as soon as she did she would have to push him away, alienate him, and for now the gentle touch was too needed for her to do that. As long as she couldn’t see who it was, as long as she could reasonably pretend that it was her mother’s hand in her hair, she was determined to do so. Finally, she’d cried all her tears and she hiccupped miserably, pulling the ear-buds out. “Leave me alone.” She muttered, burrowing away from him.
Gibbs dropped his hands into his lap with a sigh. “Do you want me to get you anything?”
“No.” Her throat constricted at the offer and she hated herself for pushing him away. Half of her had wanted this, while the other half wanted him to force her to look at him and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
“Okay.” Her heart sank that he gave in so easily. “Try to get some sleep, Cal, things’ll look brighter in morning.” The bedsprings groaned again and his weight was gone. She heard the door close softly and shoved her headphones back in, suddenly angry for no particular reason. Angry at her mother for abandoning her, angry at Gibbs for never being there and for bending so easily in the face of her moodiness, angry at the faceless person who had shot her mother, and angry at the world for taking her rock away, the only thing that she had been able to hold onto as she was tossed around the sea of life like a rag doll.
“Callida Aniston Gibbs.” Her mother’s disapproving voice was the best thing she could ever have heard at that moment. “I raised you better than that.” warned Jenny.
Cali hastily pulled the headphones back out of her ears and sat up, staring in shock at her mother who was sitting where Gibbs had been only a moment earlier. She threw her arms around the red-head, sobbing. “I miss you Mommy.” She whispered, burying her head in Jenny’s neck. “Why did you go? Why did you pretend to be dead?”
“I am dead, baby.” She petted her daughter’s hair gently, hugging her for a minute before pushing her away. Cali looked at her more carefully and realized that the woman didn’t leave an impression on the comforter. Her lower lip trembled and tears threatened her eyes again. Jenny wiped them away softly, gazing on her daughter with pride. “I’m so sorry I left you, sweetheart, but you’ll know why I did it someday. Jethro will take good care of you, he promised he would. He doesn’t quite know what to do yet, but he does love you Cali. Try to go easy on him, okay? For me? I’m so proud of you baby, and I’ll always be there when you need me.” She pulled Cali back again, holding her tightly. “I love you so much.” She whispered thickly.
“I love you too Mom.” Muttered Cali. “Please don’t go.”
Jenny shook her head, kissing the top of Cali’s head quickly. “I have to. But I hear you, every time you think about me,” she promised. “And I’ll always be looking out for you. You two need each other right now though. I know it’s hard, and it hurts, but you need to let him in. Be good, my angel.”
Suddenly, Cali’s alarm clock was going off and it was morning. Her headphones lay on the damp pillow, still playing music. She put them back in her ears for a moment and almost laughed aloud. Hurt by Christina Aguilera wrapped around her mind, and she felt the tears glistening on her cheeks as she sat and listened to the words that so perfectly described how she was feeling.
Do you go to church?” asked Cali quietly, picking at her breakfast.
She hadn’t spoken at all before now and he was almost startled by the sound. He set down his coffee, glancing at her curiously. “Not generally.” He replied. “But I can take you if you’d like.”
She nodded. “I would.”
“Where.... I mean, what church did you and your mom usually go to?” he asked, stumbling a little at the question. He had been raised Catholic, but he’d fallen so far out of practice that he was pretty sure it wouldn’t matter to him where he took her, but he needn’t have worried.
“Whatever Catholic church was nearest.” Shrugged Cali carelessly. “We didn’t go very often.”
“Alright.” He took another sip of coffee, trying to remember when the church he and Shannon had attended held its services. “If we leave in an hour, we should make it.” She nodded again and picked up her plate and his, heading into the kitchen. He watched her go, surprised. He’d never met a kid yet who would clear the dishes without being asked. He glanced around the house surreptitiously and realized that the normally clean house was now spotless and had most definitely been polished and shined. He followed her into the kitchen and watched her scrubbing the dishes and putting them into the washer, a neat stack of tupper-ware containers filled with leftovers stacked on the counter next to the fridge. “When did you get up this morning?” he asked, puzzled.
“About five.” She replied, glancing up from the dishes as she dried her hands on a towel. “I’m not very good at sleeping in. I wrote up a list of everything I moved,” she began, giving the same disclaimer she’d given McGee. “Although your house is a lot better than Tim’s and you don’t have a computer to organize, so mostly I was just cleaning.”
“That,” he said dryly, leaning against the wall. “Explains why Jenny’s house was always so perfect.”
Cali laughed a little and he smiled, liking the sound. She looked a lot happier than he’d seen her yet and he was glad to see that she was relaxing just a little. “Yeah. Mom hated cleaning anything, and it was always a good way for me to keep busy and work out my frustrations after school. She always teased me that if I screwed up college I could still go into the maid business.”
He chuckled. “Let’s not aim for that, though, shall we?” He quieted a little, gazing at her softly. “You’re just like your mother, you know that? I’m sorry I didn’t get to see that earlier. I wish I’d been around, Cal.”
She liked the even shorter version of her name. The thing she liked least about her name was how feminine and girly it was. Cali was a little better, but Cal but her feel like a tomboy, and somehow it made her feel special to have him come up with a name for her that no one else had. “You’re here now.” She replied, matter-of-factly, and he smiled at her gratefully. “Oh, come on, don’t get all emotional on me, I don’t think I can take it.” She exclaimed, throwing the towel in his face.
He caught it with a laugh and shook his head. “I take it back.” He chuckled. “Maybe there’s a little of me in there after all. Do you have anything to wear to church or should we stop back at Jenny’s place before we go so you can change?”
“I packed a skirt.” She replied decidedly. “That’s as churchy as I need to be.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs and Cali each receive a visit from Jenny, and both get the answers they needed.