Takes place after the events of Kill Ari. The usual disclaimers apply. Many thanks to my beta, Aurora Novarum.
He was where I knew he would be. In the basement but not working on his boat. He stood there, staring in a corner, a glass of bourbon in his hand. He looked haunted.
He'd covered it well this afternoon at Kate's funeral. He was smiling, with one arm on Director Shepard's back, the other on mine as we left. On the plane back, he'd seemed more relaxed than he had been the last few days. But when he told us what happened, I knew it wouldn't last. And so I came here.
I got to the bottom of the stairs and his head didn't move.
“You look like hell, Gibbs.”
He put the glass down and finally turned to look at me. “You came here just to tell me that, Abbs?”
I walked over to him, put my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulders. I could feel his pain, his guilt. I knew there was nothing I could say but I could be there and hope that would be enough.
He resisted at first, then his arms tightened around me. I felt his body shake a little. I pulled him to me as much as I could, knowing I made the right decision in coming. Gibbs wouldn't ask for help because he's Gibbs. His self-sufficiency is something I truly admire. But there are times when you need someone and right now he needed me. As I needed him.
How long we stood like that I don't know. It felt so good to be there, safe in his arms. He told me he'd keep me safe and he did. Now it was my turn. So we held each other and mourned our beloved Kate, tears and sorrow flowing freely.
I kept thinking how Kate would never feel this kind of human contact again, never laugh with me again, never bitch about the man in my arms to me ever again. With Gibbs anchoring me, I could let it all wash over me. And I cried for him, for the pain inflicted on him, for the guilt he would carry for Kate's death and how I couldn't help him anymore than this.
Finally the tears subsided. All of a sudden I became aware of him. Really aware of him. Like that moment-just-before-you-crash-your-car aware. He smelled so male. Every fantasy I'd ever had about him rose up in my mind and at that moment, the planet could have exploded and I wouldn't have known.
Then I felt his lips against my neck. It was even better than I had imagined.
“Gibbs?”
He raised his head, looked me straight in the eye and brushed his hand through my hair. “Just go with it, Abbs.”
He kissed me then. It was searching, longing, full of promise. It took me over like wildfire. I'd nearly lost him, right here in this basement. No way was I letting him go now. I kissed him back passionately, giving right back what he gave me. I couldn't breathe but I didn't care. This was Gibbs kissing me, and I'd die of asphyxiation before I was going to stop.
He finally broke off the kiss and smiled that beautiful smile of his. He stepped towards the stairs and held out his hand to me. “Do you trust me, Abbs?”
I took his hand and felt an electric current go through me. “Stupid question, Gibbs. You know I do. Don't you dare back out on me now.”
He laughed and silently led me to his bedroom.
When we got there, he hauled me against him and kissed me again. It was hot and urgent, like something caged inside him had broken free. It ignited a fire in me and before I knew it, we were on his bed naked, tangled together, my hair flying free, touching and being touched everywhere. It was pain, joy, sorrow and love all mixed up together. I thought my heart would burst.
He knew what he was doing. The urge to join with him was unbearable. He rode me like a man possessed, reaching for something, bringing me along in his urgency. It felt really good. And when he came inside me, a peace descended. A peace I hadn't felt since Kate was killed - and maybe even before. I looked into his face and saw it there too. I'm not sure I can explain it. The loss was still there but there was something else now too, something to get us through this. Honestly, it left me awestruck. All I could do was snuggle against him, treasuring the moment.
Because I knew that was all we would ever had. I know Gibbs. I know there's no way he'll ever let this happen again. He'll never open up like this again, be vulnerable again. All I could do was hope it wasn't quite over yet and try to fix everything in my memory to pull out when I need it.
I couldn't resist tasting him though. He was salty, not surprising given the amount of exertion he'd just had, but I could also taste his strength. Weird, huh? You'd never think you could taste those kinds of things but in that moment, I did.
And when he started stroking my back I could feel his love. “Having fun, Abbs?” I could hear the smile in his voice.
I leaned over on my side and looked at him while my other hand took the place of my lips. “Always, Gibbs. You know that. It's one of the things you love about me.”
He laughed at that. It was a beautiful laugh, one I had feared yesterday I'd never hear again. Then his eyes turned serious. “You know me too well.”
Feeling impish, I tweaked his nose. “That's because I love you.”
He laughed, rolled himself on top of me and kissed me again. This time it was loving and playful. Our dance began again, much slower this time. It was languid and loving and I did everything I could to show him how much I love him and need him. I nearly cried when he entered me because I knew it was the beginning of the end. He knew it too, I could see it in his eyes as he slowly, exquisitely moved inside me. It was a taste of heaven and I swear time stopped. He made it last as long as he could but finally it was over and I fell asleep in his arms, feeling more loved than I'd ever felt in my life.
A while later I awoke to loving caresses down my arms. I turned to see a pensive Gibbs but was relieved to see no sign of regret on his face. I leaned over and kissed him, slowly and tenderly, to let him know how much it had meant to me.
After a while, he pulled back and looked at me with serious eyes. “This can't happen again, Abby.”
“I know, Rule 12.” I caressed his face. “But I reserve the right to tease you on occasion.”
He stilled my hand. “Only lightly, Abbs.”
“I won't put you in an embarrassing position, I promise.” I stared into his eyes to show him I was serious. He released my hand and I ran it along his side. “I know you don't like giving Tony any ammo.”
“You've got that right.” He sighed. “You do know that I wish it could be different, Abbs.”
Our eyes locked. In that moment I felt I could see right into his soul. I saw so much pain and loss and understood why he feared hurting me. But I also saw his strength and so much love. A large heart he'd buried but trusted me to see. I cried at the beauty of the moment, at the beauty of him, and I made him a solemn promise.
“I'll always love you, Gibbs. Even when you're being demanding or acting like a jerk, I'll be there for you. Always.”
He looked at me, unshed tears in his eyes now. “And I'll always be there for you. I won't let anything happen to you, Abbs. I promise.”
I knew he'd keep that promise with his life.
He broke the contact and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. “I'll still give you these, though, when you're good.”
“But I'm so much better at being bad.”
He laughed but then his smile faded. “I will miss this too, Abbs.” He caressed my face. “You may have saved me last night.”
I caressed his right back. “Glad I could return the favour. It was really sweet of you to protect me, Gibbs.”
He pulled me into his arms and held me. “Always, Abbs. Always.”
We stayed that way for a while then with what I hope was great reluctance he got up and started picking up my clothes. I watched him, trying to memorize every plane and angle of his body and locking it in my memory.
He handed my clothes to me. “The shower's down the hall. I'll have coffee for you when you're done.”
It was a dismissal. A soft one but I knew that tone. I took my clothes and with one last look at him, I headed down the hall.
There was coffee waiting for me downstairs and our conversation reverted to our usual topics. It was an attempt to come back to normal and it was almost successful. But every once and a while he'd smile, or touch something and I'd remember. But that was ok. It was a start. Soon enough I was able to lock those memories away and now they only come when I ask for them.
He walked me to the door and kissed me for the last time. I could taste sadness in his lips and I'm sure he could taste it on mine. It was bittersweet but in a way that's very much Gibbs.
The next time I saw him at work, it was like it never happened. Once, shortly after it happened, when McGee wasn't paying attention, I felt daring and hinted at it but he didn't even notice. No one ever suspected. They just know I'm Gibbs' favourite and leave it at that. I know Gibbs wants it that way and what he wants, I want.
In the years since, we've kept our promise. He's protected me from psycho killers and I've loved him even when he's been acting stupid. He brings me Caf-Pows and I bring him the evidence he needs.
Yes, there are times I get carried away and almost forget the pact but Gibbs always pulls me back. The caffeine makes me hyper and my mouth sometimes gets away from me. And there are times when I go over the edge trying to get his attention, that's something I can't seem to help. I always want to be special to him, the way he is to me. I'm terrified of losing him. I remember him taking off to Mexico without a word and I can't bear to go through that again. So any time I think he's forgotten me, I go crazy. He understands.
In the meantime I keep dating interesting guys, being a tease and having fun, hoping to find someone who'll love me and cherish me the way Gibbs does. Yet I deliberately stay away from guys like him. It's probably a bit of self-destruction because I know I can't be with him yet I don't want to replace him.
Every once and a while he tells me he loves me - and that's enough.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Abby visits Gibbs after the events of Kill Ari and gets more than she bargained for.