“No one’s ever loved me before.”
*
Gibbs stared at Tony, at a loss for words. Jethro’s childhood was by no means perfect, but he knew people cared about him. To grow up your whole life and to feel no one cared? He could not even begin to imagine what hell Tony went through.
“How about your mother, Tony?”
The younger agent chuckled bitterly. “My mother was more concerned with parties and her clothes than me. Sure, she liked to dress me up and parade me around, but…” Tony paused, “she never tucked me in, or was there when I was sick, or read to me…” Tony trailed off, the memory burdening his already fragile heart.
“I’m sorry.” Gibbs said quietly as he watched his broken agent. “I love you, Tony.” The Italian turned his head away. “I know you find it hard to believe, but it’s true. They were wrong Tony. You’re not worthless or stupid. They’re the bastards for not realizing what a wonderful person you are and became despite them.”
“I’m tired.” Tony responded, effectively ending the conversation. He felt overwhelmed by emotion. He wanted to believe Gibbs so much, but could he?
“Let’s turn in. Do you want to shower now or tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Okay, go get changed.” He smiled as he watch Tony rub his sleepy eyes and make his way upstairs. He gave the younger man a little time and then followed him up. Tony was laying on his side in bed when Gibbs walked in. He sat next to Tony and stroked his head. Tony turned over to face Gibbs. He took the cover and placed in over Tony’s chest.
“I will keep you safe, Tony.” After some time, the senior agent bit his lip, scared to ask a question. Gibbs sensed this. “What is it?”
“Would…could you stay ‘til I-I fall asleep?”
Gibbs smiled as he leaned down to kiss Tony’s forehead. “Of course.” He patted his shoulder and then went to sit in the chair near the bed. “I love you, son.” The feeling in Gibbs’ heart to finally acknowledge his feelings made him feel more whole than he had in years.
Tony could not describe how he felt to hear Gibbs say those words. They were such simple ones that he had been searching for his entire life. He never heard it from his parents. But to hear the man he admired most in the world say them, it was beyond words. His heart beat wildly in his chest as he was terrified to respond. But he wanted to take a chance that Gibbs wasn‘t fooling him and that he genuinely cared. The man whom he often described as a functional mute had opened up to him over the last few days. He put himself out there and took a chance to tell Tony how he felt. So maybe, Tony could too. He wanted to say what was in his heart. He mustered up his courage as he stared at Gibbs. “Love y-you too…”
*
The next morning in the bullpen, McGee was busy attempting to track down some of the names the FBI provided. After some time, he looked up at Ziva.
“Any luck?” She asked.
“I think so. It appears a Dr. Michael Angotti was the Dinozzo personal family doctor. He was on staff at Long Island Community Hospital. He died five years ago, but I wonder if we’d be able to access records if Tony was treated at the hospital.”
“How long can they keep records?” Ziva said as she came over to Tim’s desk.
“Many hospitals use record storing facilities and keep them indefinitely.” He paused. “My only worry is that we would need a warrant. If we do, I hope they do not somehow contact Tony‘s father before we can confront him.”
Ziva leaned over to the list of names on Tim’s desk. “Who is this?”
“I believe it was one of Tony’s former nannies.” Tim thought for a moment. “Let’s see if we can track her down.”
*
Tony awoke to the faint smell of bacon wafting through the air. He smiled slightly as he sat up. He managed to feel well rested, despite the emotional roller coaster of the last few days. His stomach growled, reminding him that he had barely eaten last night. He made his way downstairs and saw Gibbs sitting at the kitchen table sipping on his coffee and reading the paper.
“Hi.” Tony said quietly as he walked in.
“Hey.” Gibbs responded as he placed his paper down. “Fresh coffee and there are pancakes and bacon warming in the oven.”
“Wow, Boss. Maybe I should call you Betty Crocker.” Tony smirked slightly.
Gibbs was pleased to see Tony had relaxed slightly. He tapped Tony lightly on the head, but then stepped back.
“What?” Tony asked with a confused tone.
“Do the head slaps upset you?” The last thing Gibbs ever wanted to do was remind him of his father.
Tony shook his head and looked sincerely at his Boss, understanding what he meant. “You aren‘t like my father, Gibbs.” He looked shyly down. “Abby once said that your head slaps made me feel wanted.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I never minded them. It made me refocus, pay attention.”
“Good,” Gibbs let out a sigh, “you know I would never hurt you, right?”
“I know.” He sat down after he filled his plate. He poured some syrup on his pancakes and took a bite. With his mouth full, he said, “dis is goos.”
Jethro grinned. “Glad you like them, Dinozzo.” They ate in comfortable silence. After they cleaned up, they sat in the family room.
“We should go in to the office.”
Tony frowned. “Do we have to?”
“Are you still nervous about the others, Tony? You don’t need to be.”
Tony sighed heavily. “You say that, now, Boss. But, they know things now…they’ll never see me the same.” He shook his head slightly as he whispered. “I just wish I could forget.” He sniffled slightly.
Gibbs put his arm around him as he felt Tony lean into him, his head resting on Jethro’s shoulder. “I know. I wish I could take it all away for you.”
“Why did he hate me so much?” His voice full of despair. “He never stopped. I would try so hard to be good. He didn’t care!” He sat up, his hands covered his eyes, rubbing them roughly. “I-I begged him to stop…t-that I didn’t want him to…h-he would just hit me harder…and…and then…h-he‘d” Tony could not even place into words the terror and pain he felt when his father would rape him. Tony became lost in his memories, he sat there hyperventilating, his eyes wild and unfocused.
“Tony!” Gibbs said as he grabbed each side of his face. “It’s okay. Stay with me, buddy. Come on…“ Gibbs kept whispering comforting words to the distressed man and slowly his breathing calmed and his gaze seemed more focused. “That’s it. Breathe with me, alright? In and out…in and out…”
Tony shook his head once and then looked at Gibbs. “Boss?”
“I’m right here, Bud. See?” He gestured around the room so Tony could realize that he was in a safe environment.
“W-What happened?” Tony looked the picture of innocence. Gibbs heartbeat was returning to normal.
“Nothing, Tony.” He embraced his son tightly. He tried to keep the worry out of his voice. “You’re fine. Everything is going to be fine.”
TBC…
Chapter End Notes:
Mentions of child abuse