I was being hormonal but still that gave him no right to say my mother was a coward. She did what she did and she had her reasons. I wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about her, she died protecting me. It took her awhile to protect me but I couldn't blame her! My father abused her as much as he did me. My mother had been the one that told me that love was nothing. She said that she cared about me deeply, and always would. She said that love was just a word to make caring deeply for someone sound more romantic. This is why I didn't get in to relationships, because of this! Because people believed so deeply in it, that it lead to fights like this. Okay, so it wasn't a fight, it was more me getting pissed and storming off.
It wasn't all pregnancy though. There was pure Irish temper there as well. I guess I was scared too, because I was pregnant and I didn't want to have children because of my past. I know I wouldn't be like my old man but still, what could I give a child? But that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. I was the one that got pregnant, yes there was the fact that I didn't know I could, because I had never heard of a man being able to get pregnant. But I would never tell the child he or she was an accident because that's what I was told by my old man, all the time.
Hell, the thought did run through my head to just let Jet raise our child. I could still come see him/her, send presents when it was time for them and I would come to his/her games, let him know that I was there if they needed me. But raising him/her, I don't think I would do well at it but then, skipping out on a child like that, wasn't a nice thing to do either.
I sat up and slid my hands through my hair. Then I lowered myself back down, God, I was so confused and scared. The one thing I knew was that I wouldn't end the baby's life, that was just something I would never do, ending an innocent life was just not in my morals! I laid there, I had worn myself out and I fell asleep in the bed, curled against a pillow. Maybe when I woke up things would have calmed in my heart and my mind.
I felt someone running their hands through my hair. I opened my eyes to find Jet. "Time to take your meds, so you don't get sick again, Shawn."
I sat up and took the water and the pills, downing them both. I looked at the clock and saw the time. "See you after work." I laid myself back down and threw the cover over my head. I was still tired and I hated being sick.
"Shawn, we need to talk about this. I was wrong to talk about your mother like that, Shawn."
Well, at least he apologized. "Thanks for saying you're sorry. There's nothing else to talk about."
He pulled the covers down and looked me in the eyes. "Like hell there isn't. I love you and you need to know that. It's not just some word."
I sat up. Great, this again! He had a hard head and so did I, which sometimes really got us into fights. As deep as he believed this, I knew he wasn't going to give up because he believed that I needed to say the words, that I love him.
"Jet, you mean a lot to me and I care about you. I would die for you. I would do anything to protect you from harm. But I well not say those words. And you seriously need to lay off of it."
He cupped my chin, "Nope, 'cause you will see it, at some point, that there is love."
I sighed. "Or if you keep pushing, I will just leave you and let you raise the child alone. Take him on weekends, be there for his games and if he needs me. You chose, Jet, you want this word? Or do you want me?"
I wasn't sure what I expected from him after I'd said all that. "You would really do that to your own child, Shawn? A child needs to know he is loved and he needs to know that there is unconditional love, from both parents."
I stood up and walked to the bathroom, I started the shower and looked at him. "I can be unconditional without adding love. I can be there for the child and be proud of everything he does. Let him be who he wants to be, and support him in every way." I leaned against the door frame. "But if me not saying that four letter word to my own child, is going to make me a bad parent, then it's better off with you than me."
He looked at me but didn't say anything. "Go to work, Jet. Your job is important and I've got work to do, today."
He stood up and walked over to me. "Yeah, well you're important to me too, Shawn." I looked at him.
"I know I am, and you are important to me. But unless you can get over this, Jet, we might as well end this." I dropped my boxers into the hamper and got in the shower. "See you after work. I'll be at the office today." I heard the doors shut and him leaving.
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