Have You Ever
Hiatus
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
One look, a pat on the shoulder, and three devastating words turned Tony's life upside down. Gibbs was leaving NCIS. Tony didn't know what to feel or think. NCIS without Gibbs would be like the statue of Liberty without her torch - unthinkable.
Tony slipped out hopefully without being seen. Tim was comforting Abby, and Ziva the Director. He had no idea where Jimmy, the Autopsy Gremlin, was.
He got into his car and drove to his and Gibbs' home. Tony parked his car in the driveway, killed the engine and looked at the house. Gibbs was inside; he could see him behind the curtain in their bedroom. But something wasn't right. He could feel it in his gut. Tony was almost afraid to go inside but he knew he had to.
When he opened the front door his heart sunk even more. There was a backpack in front of the stairs. It stood there like a big grey elephant which Tony tried to ignore. He ran up the stairs and went into their bedroom. For three years, Tony had shared Gibbs' bed. Now Gibbs sat where Tony usually slept, holding Tony’s favorite OSU sweatshirt in his hands.
"LJ" Tony asked softly. Gibbs looked up with pain filled eyes. Tony was rooted to the spot in the doorway.
"We are more than roommates?", Gibbs' words sounded like a question more than a statement.
"Yes we are." Tony stuffed his hands in his pockets where he could feel Gibbs' engraved wedding ring on a chain.
"What are we Tony?" Gibbs sounded lost. The confusion and pain in his voice encouraged Tony to move. He crouched in front of Gibbs and laid his hands on his lover's - husband's thighs.
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
"We are best friends, lovers..." Tony's eyes began to fill with tears and a lump clogged his throat. "...soul mates, husbands, partners. We are everything, LJ."
Gibbs' eyes filled even more with pain, joined by tears and he shook his head sadly.
"But I don't remember that. If we are everything to each other, why can't I remember that?"
Tony lifted his hands and laid them on his lovers cheek's.
"You will,", he said with every ounce of conviction he could muster at that moment. Tony knew he needed to communicate the faith he had in Gibbs now; otherwise Gibbs would leave and never come back. He could feel it.
Gibbs shook his head again and Tony let his hands fall.
"I don't think I'm ready for that," Gibbs said. "I just lost my wife and little girl all over again. It's still too fresh. I-I can't...I'm sorry, Tony. I really am. I don't remember our time together...but I know I feel something for you, but I'm not ready to explore that part, yet."
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
LJ stood up and went to the bookshelf. "I'm going to Mexico. Mike offered me a place to stay."
Tony's heart broke into a million pieces. His lover...husband was leaving. He let his tears fall.
"LJ, please," Tony knew he was begging, but he didn't care. "Please. You don't have to leave to deal with your grief. You can do that here..." Tony stood up, unsure if he should move over to the other man or stay where he was. It felt wrong for Gibbs to leave their home�"it was his house! "...I-I can leave."
"No, Tony. You don't have to. This is your home," LJ reached towards the bookshelf and took out a thick photo album and opened it. It was an album of their life together. Pictures from birthday parties, BBQ's, occasional dinners...their wedding.
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
"I'm going to take that with me. When I'm ready, I'm going to look through that album and try to remember us." Gibbs stood in front of his husband. "The pain of losing my family is still too fresh...Everything is so confusing right know...I still have gaps in my memory...I need time to put that behind me."
Tony tried hard not to break down. It took every ounce his of willpower, but he remained on his feet and didn’t drop to his knees, begging LJ to stay. It felt like a part of him was ripped out of his chest. His body...his heart...his soul physically ached. His lover...best friend...husband...soul mate didn't remember them. And on top of all of that, now Gibbs was leaving him.
Tony took the necklace holding Gibbs' wedding ring out of his pocket. Because of their positions so closely connected with the Navy, they didn’t feel comfortable to wear the rings on their hands�"only the team, Director and HR knew of their relationship�"so they wore their rings on gold chains around their necks. Tony´s ring hung heavily from the chain around his neck. When his husband, no - just Gibbs now, was admitted in the hospital they had to take it off. The nurses gave it to Jenny and she gave it to Tony.
He could still remember their wedding day as if it were yesterday. They had a little ceremony in their backyard with only the team, the director, and a couple of Tony's frat buddies in attendance. It was a beautiful autumn day half a year ago and the best day of his life.
And now he was losing everything.
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
"I, uhm, I want you to have that," Tony swallowed hard. He held out the necklace with Gibbs' wedding ring. "The nurses gave it to Jenny. They had to take it off when you were admitted."
Gibbs' stuffed the photo album under his arm and looked at Tony's outstretched hand. It surprised Tony, when Gibbs did not accept the ring. Gibbs pressed Tony´s finger closed around the necklace.
"No. You keep it. I'll take the photos and you keep the wedding ring. I will be back for you and everything this ring symbolizes. I just need to figure everything out. I don’t want to screw this up by not remembering the important stuff, Tony."
More tears fell on both sides.
"You promise?" Tony choked out.
"I promise," LJ said softly, laying a hand on Tony's cheek. Tony leaned into his lover´s touch and closed his eyes.
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
"I've to go or I'll miss my flight," Gibbs whispered and withdrew his hand. Tony put a hand on his cheek where Gibbs’ had been, already missing the other man’s touch.
Gibbs went downstairs and picked up his backpack. Tony stood on the landing and looking down the same moment that LJ looked up. Both had tears in their eyes. Tony's were red from crying and his cheeks were tear streaked.
"Please, LJ. Don't go...I'm begging you, please." Tony had to try one last time. "You promised me when Kate died you wouldn't leave me. Please, pl-" Tony choked out, but his words were cut off by LJ’s quiet voice.
"I'm sorry, Tony."
And then he was gone.
The door shut with a soft click and Tony finally broke down. He fell to his knees and cried uncontrollably.
About a hour later the door opened quietly. The man saw and heard Tony the second he entered the house. Tony was still on the landing, curled into a tight ball, still crying and hiccupping.
The visitor hurt for his friend. They weren't very close but Tony was a good friend. Sure he teased him a lot but deep down Tony was a good and kind man.
He went upstairs and crouched in front of Tony. He'd seen him in the parking garage earlier when he left; he'd seen how devastated and upset Tony was. It worried him. After work he got into his car and drove over to
Gibbs' and Tony's home.
Now he was glad he decided to come by.
"Tony," he said softly.
No reaction.
"Tony," he said a little louder and shook Tony's shoulder.
Tony opened his eyes and tried to focus on the voice. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. His whole body hurt; his life...his soul mate was gone. LJ was gone. Tony still clutched the necklace and wedding ring tightly in his hand.
He was surprised; this was not the man he had expected to see.
"Jimmy?" Tony’s voice was soft and scratchy from all the crying. He couldn't believe it. The Autopsy Gremlin.
"Yeah. It's me. I was worried. I saw you in the parking garage but couldn't leave earlier. I wanted to come check on you." Jimmy stroked Tony's hair.
Tony closed his eyes at his friend´s touch. "He is gone; LJ is gone," Tony whispered. It was like a knife sliced through his heart every time he said it.
"I know," Jimmy replied softly. "I'm so sorry, Tony. But he'll be back. I'm sure." Tony just nodded slightly.
“C’mon. Let’s get you up off the floor.” Jimmy helped Tony up and into the bedroom where he sat the hurting man on the king-sized bed. He helped him undress so Tony was just in his boxers and an OSU t-shirt. Tony inhaled deeply. Gibbs had worn this shirt the last time they were at home together, right before they made love...unknowingly for the last time. It sill smelled like him.
Tony couldn't cry. There weren't any tears left in him. There was nothing...absolutely nothing. He was numb.
Jimmy helped him into bed and under the covers. Tony immediately laid onto his side with his head on one of Gibbs' pillows. Jimmy turned to leave but Tony's voice stopped him.
"Could-could you stay...please? I don't want to be alone." Tony asked in a childlike voice.
"Of course." Jimmy toed off his shoes and laid down fully clothed on top of the covers. When Tony's body shook again Jimmy spooned behind Tony and wrapped an arm around him.
"I wish LJ was here," Tony said with a pain filled and yearning voice.
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
"I know."
Jimmy drifted off to sleep after a while, but Tony remained wide awake. Flashbacks and happy memories filled his mind and he couldn’t sleep. He glanced at the clock. 4AM.
"Please come back, LJ," Tony whispered in the dark, as a single tear made it's way down onto his husbands pillow.
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
At the same time, Gibbs was riding a bus toward the beach in Baja. He pulled out the photo album he’d brought with him and opened it. He flipped through it slowly, looking at snapshots of his life, of Tony’s, of their life together. He traced a finger over a photo of Tony, surprised when he remembered the event where the photo was taken. Gibbs closed the album and stared out the window. Shannon and Kelly were gone, but now there was Tony.
Gibbs watched the dark horizon pass by and he smiled. “I’ll come back, Tony,” he whispered softly. He could only hope that Tony would still be there when he got back.
END
Story Notes:
Okay guys, this is my second NCIS story. It's practical a sequel to my story "Adaption" but it stands on it's own.
It's a songfic. It's Brandy´s "Have you ever". I love that song and listened to it while I wrote. I even cried at the end of my story.
So I hope you like it. Comments are appreciated.
Thanks to my wonderful, awesome and amazing beta Jen. Thank you!!!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony has to deal with Gibbs leaving. Can he handle it? Who will be there to help him and pick up the pieces?
Chapter End Notes:
Okay guys, this is my second NCIS story. It's practical a sequel to my story "Adaption" but it stands on it's own.
It's a songfic. It's Brandy´s "Have you ever". I love that song and listened to it while I wrote. I even cried at the end of my story.
So I hope you like it. Comments are appreciated.
Thanks to my wonderful, awesome and amazing beta Jen. Thank you!!!
It's a songfic. It's Brandy´s "Have you ever". I love that song and listened to it while I wrote. I even cried at the end of my story.
So I hope you like it. Comments are appreciated.
Thanks to my wonderful, awesome and amazing beta Jen. Thank you!!!