Chapter Two - Reaction
-Two days earlier-
Tony’s POV
I gave up trying to sleep on the flight to Rota, Spain. I’d been trying for the last hour and it was hopeless. Thoughts kept swirling around my brain that wouldn’t quit. Thoughts about why I was even on this flight and the reasons for my decision to take the promotion when Jenny offered it again. It seems the woman she had given the promotion of team leader after I turned it down changed her mind at the last minute, having decided that Spain was too far away from her family.
I hadn’t said anything to her, but I got the feeling Jenny knew that I regretted the decision to not take the promotion within days of turning her down.
Jenny seemed very understanding about the aborted undercover operation she had me on, since I’d only been on a few dates with the target, Jeanne Benoit. When I told Jeanne I was taking a job in Europe, she had taken it quite well.
What actually changed my mind about taking the promotion was the fact that I couldn’t trust my team to watch my back any longer. McGee and Ziva questioned and ridiculed everything I said and did, and it didn’t help matters that when I slipped up and gave them orders, that Gibbs didn’t waste any time giving them different ones.
If that didn’t let them know they didn’t have to listen to anything I said, I didn’t know what would.
I used to think that I had finally found a family and people I could trust at NCIS, but since Gibbs returned from Mexico, I questioned that. It was obvious none of them really trusted me.
It was actually kind of sad that the only person I could talk to was Palmer. He was the one I hadn’t even considered a legitimate member of the team, but he was the one who was there when I needed someone to talk to after Gibbs left, the first and the second time.
Ducky was so hurt and angry with Gibbs for leaving that he couldn’t be objective. I tried to talk with him a couple of times, but instead of listening to me, he couldn’t stop talking about how he felt about the whole situation, and after a while I just quit trying.
Abby had covered her lab in pictures of Gibbs. She counted the days that he was gone and chattered frequently and at length with whoever entered the lab that she knew he would be back, that he just needed time, oblivious to how her actions made me feel. I felt it best not to rain on her parade and mostly kept my mouth shut whenever I was near her.
McGee wasn’t much better, always pointing out that the way I did things wasn’t how Gibbs would have done it. He kept going on about how easy the job of senior field agent was, not realizing that I hadn’t handed over at least half of the work the job entailed.
Ziva was impossible to talk to on a good day, and I hadn’t had many of those lately, so I hadn’t even attempted it. She had cast her vote about what she thought of my ability as team leader when she called Gibbs first thing when she was in trouble. If Abby hadn’t given me the number to reach her, I had my doubts that I ever would have found out what was going on.
I had been their boss and it was my job to try to make the transition easier, and I couldn’t see that happening if I voiced my own doubts and fears to any of them. I had to appear strong and confident, even if that was just about the opposite of what I truly felt.
None of them knew the true depth of the loss I suffered when Gibbs left. I lost not only my boss, but also my lover, partner, significant other, whatever the hell he was. If I had to put a word to what he was to me, that word would be everything. He had been my boss, partner, best friend. The list went on and on.
And I lost everything when he left.
If Gibbs had broken my heart when he left, he ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it when he returned. I knew he was pretending that he didn’t remember our relationship. I saw how he looked at me sometimes when he thought I wasn’t watching. I just didn’t understand why he would do that. He had told me that he loved me and would never leave.
I guess ‘until death do us part’ doesn’t count when explosions and amnesia enter the picture.
I knew it would do me no good to confront him about our past relationship. Gibbs’ reaction to being confronted about something he didn’t want to talk about was to walk away, and it was obvious to me that he didn’t want to talk about it. Gibbs had walked away from me twice already, and I wasn’t going to give him an opportunity to do it again. My ego could only take so many blows.
But I think I would have stayed and suffered through Ducky’s anger, Abby’s indifference, McGee’s disdain, and Ziva’s lack of faith if I felt I could still trust Gibbs.
Because even though Gibbs brushed me aside when he took his job back and I was demoted to senior field agent, until recently I thought I could still trust him to watch my back in the field. Gibbs never let personal feelings get in the way of doing his job, and part of his job was to watch my back.
But after what happened the other day when Franks knocked me out, I didn’t feel that way any longer. Although it wasn’t obvious at first that Mike was the one who hit me, it became apparent as the case played out that he was the culprit.
And Gibbs hadn’t done a thing about it.
Not a word was said about who attacked me, but everyone knew. Mike didn’t apologize, he just waltzed away back to Mexico like nothing happened. But then Franks was the one who taught Gibbs to never apologize, so what did I expect?
I guess they all figured I’d had so many concussions in the past, what was one more?
But that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I already didn’t trust Ziva or McGee to watch my back in the field, but if I couldn’t trust Gibbs either, there was no point in staying.
As the plane continued its journey to Spain, I felt my reaction to the way they all treated me was justified and that I’d made the right decision.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony's POV
Chapter End Notes:
Not to worry. I’m going to do one more chapter on a ‘discussion’ between Gibbs and Tony.