Chapter Three - Anticipation
As I sat on a bench across the street from Tony’s hotel, sipping coffee and pretending to read a newspaper while I watched for him to get home from work, I thought about the last couple of days since I found out Tony had left DC. Unfortunately, I’d had to wait several hours for a flight to Rota, so by the time I had arrived it was the middle of the night, and I knew it would definitely be a bad idea to try to see Tony then, even if I’d known his exact location at the time. I didn’t think he’d be very receptive to someone banging on his door at two in the morning.
I also knew it would be a bad idea to try to see Tony at work. As I often went to great lengths myself to avoid talking about anything personal while on duty, I couldn’t very well start what would turn out to be a very personal conversation with Tony in that setting.
After I found a hotel room and then slept fitfully for the remainder of the night, I had to call Abby to find out where Tony was staying. I knew finding that information was something I could myself do if I had to, but I was afraid that Tony would be tipped off that someone was looking for him, and I didn’t want Tony to know I was here until I could see him in person, and Abby could get the information without alerting anyone. I didn’t want him to have too much time to think about all the reasons he didn’t want to talk to me.
That conversation with Abby wasn’t something I wanted to repeat, ever. After listening to her babble incoherently for a while, I’d had to practically yell at her to get her to listen to me and convince her to find the information I needed. Granted, when Abby had come in to work a couple of days ago to find both me and Tony gone, that had greatly rattled her world. That didn’t stop me from hanging up on her after she’d found the name of Tony’s hotel for me, though. She’d wanted reassurances from me that everything would be fine; that I’d convince Tony to come back to DC, but I didn’t have any reassurances to give even myself.
It was times like this that I really missed being able to talk with Ducky. Before I left for Mexico, he’d always been there when I needed advice, and sometimes when I didn’t need it. I didn’t know what I’d done to piss him off, but nowadays he only spoke to me if it regarded a case. I didn’t know how to make things right with him, any more than I knew how to make things right with Tony.
But unlike my troubles with Ducky, I knew what I’d done to piss Tony off; at least I had a good idea what I’d done wrong. If I could convince Tony to let me in his hotel room and talk with me, I could at least try to make things right with him.
I’d been waiting on this bench for a couple of hours already, arriving well before I knew Tony would leave work. I thought the extra time would do me good, maybe help settle my nerves that had been steadily building since I got on that flight the day before. I hadn’t felt this nervous since I’d had to work up the courage to talk to Shannon for the first time.
The anticipation, the uncertainty, was killing me; at least it seemed that way to me. I used to think I knew Tony very well, maybe better than anyone else. I used to think I would know what he would think in any given situation. But now I wasn’t so sure about how he would feel, how he was feeling right now. So much was riding on this. Like my entire future.
I knew Tony had every right to refuse to even talk to me, and I wouldn’t blame him a bit if he slammed the door in my face, but I decided to take a page from Abby’s book and try to think positive.
I remembered the conversation I’d had with the director earlier in the day. She’d been surprised to hear from me so soon after I’d told her I was taking an indefinite leave. I just hoped the idea I had forming in the back of my mind would be welcomed by Tony. It had taken some convincing to get Jenny to agree to my idea, but I knew I was an asset to NCIS and I had capitalized on that fact to get what I wanted.
But first, I had to get him to talk to me, or at least listen to what I had to say.
All this uncertainty wasn’t like me at all. Usually I’m so sure of myself; confident, able to get what I wanted with a barked command or a well placed glare, but somehow I didn’t think that approach would work with Tony this time.
I knew I was going to have to open up and tell Tony that he’s important to me, how I really feel about him, how much I miss him and how stupid I’ve been since I returned from Mexico. And if there was one thing I really hated it was talking about my feelings, but if there was chance I could get Tony back, then that’s what I would do.
As I saw Tony being dropped off in front of the hotel, my anxiety increased. My mind started filling up with ‘what ifs’: What if I’d hurt him too badly, what if he wouldn’t listen to me, what if he slammed the door in my face?
I tried to push all those thoughts aside as I followed him into the building a few minutes later. When I got to Tony’s door, I hesitated. This was so unlike me. I’d faced danger head on. I’d been in life and death situations so many times I’d lost count of them. So why was this so hard? *Suck it up, Marine* I said to myself, and then knocked on his door.
Chapter End Notes:
I know I said there’d only be one more chapter, but that’s not how it worked out. I decided to do one more chapter for Gibbs and then one more for Tony, and I promise, then I’ll be done.