I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.
I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.
I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.
- John Edward Masefield, 'Sea Fever'
---
Prologue
He left. Without saying goodbye.
Causes abandoned; trust betrayed. He’d left like none of it mattered.
Maybe it didn’t. Not anymore anyways.
How could it if he couldn’t even remember any of it?
I could remember that moment like it was yesterday.
Semper fi. Always faithful.
Famous last words. And he couldn’t even tell it to our faces.
Always faithful my ass. If he were always faithful, he would’ve stuck by us. I would’ve stood right behind him, catching him if he fell. We would’ve gotten each other through it all.
Abby cried. Abby almost never cried. I’d only ever seen her cry once, and that was when Kate died.
Fucking bastard.
No, I wasn’t angry. I couldn’t even get angry at the man anymore. I just felt disappointed. That in itself was worse than anger. Anger meant that someone cared, which I didn’t anymore.
Or so I kept telling myself.
Liar.
Yeah, that’s what I was. Just a liar who couldn’t admit his own feelings.
Couldn’t admit when I had the chance that I loved the man. And now I would never get that chance. Karma’s a bitch.
I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. Not really; not when the only person I could hate was myself.
How the fuck was I supposed to lead when I couldn’t even trust myself?
Story Notes:
Written for the 2011 NCIS Big Bang. A very very big thank you to slashscribe for making the cover art and fanmix track list for me!
I would also like to thank the girls over on twitter for cheering me on about this story… You guys are so wonderfully supportive! Love you all!! And finally, a special thank you to kesterpan for the wonderful beta job she did :)
Fanmix YouTube playlist is here.