When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.
-Madeleine L'Engle
"It was suicide by cop, Kate. Get over it!"
How can she get over it? How can she make the pain go away? How can she close her eyes without seeing the troubled young man? How can she keep telling herself that she was just doing her job, protecting her partner, and not feel the knife throbbing in her gut? Sure, she shot people, criminals, and she had not lost sleep over those lowlifes.
But, this young man had not one to turn to except his high school swim coach, who couldn't even save him. And she put a bullet in him. Because he'd raised his weapon at an unarmed Gibbs. She'd reacted like she'd been trained to do. Protect your partner at all costs.
Kate leaned against the cold storage lockers as she stared down at the young man lying on the slap. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.
She wanted the pain to subside. Wanted to the gaping wound in her chest to be stitched up. She just wanted to stop feeling all together.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He knew where she was when DiNozzo mentioned her absence. He knew. And he still felt like a fucking bastard for yelling at her. What else could he say to her at that exact moment? He knew that no matter what he said, she would still carry the guilt with her. And self doubt.
Didn't enter Autopsy right away. Just watched her from outside the door. She looked so vulnerable. So exposed. He knew that she was the type to be fueled by her emotions, but right now she looked to be held captive by those same emotions. Hiding in Autopsy so that her coworkers could not see her stripped bare. Raw. Vulnerable.
His heart clenched in his chest when he witnessed her wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. He had never seen her cry out of pain. Anger, yes. When he had confronted her about Major Kerry's death and practically accused her.
Wanting to let her be alone with her emotions, she had a reason to be down here alone and not wanting to embarrass her by seeing her this particular way, he turned back to the elevator, but a small tug made him stop mid motion. Made him enter Autopsy. Made him quietly stroll over to her.
Made him whisper, "I'm sorry, Kate," as he enveloped her into his embrace. Pulled her back against his chest and buried his nose in her sweet smelling auburn hair.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The simple statement and gesture broke Caitlin Todd. Into a million pieces. Could no longer hold back the tears. They fell freely, leaving tracks down her cheeks and landing onto her hands that were settled on top of his around her waist.
Her knees collapsed beneath her.
Lowering them gently to the floor, Gibbs braced his back against the cold storage lockers and held Kate against his chest,situated her between his out stretched legs. He said no more words.
Was eerily quiet. Held her tight until the sobs subsided. Held her even when she fought to be freed from his embrace. Held her through the name-calling she bestowed upon him.
Kate reminded him of him. Not wanting anyone to see you at your worst. Not wanting them to see how vulnerable you can be.
"Gibbs, let me go." Her voice was hoarse from crying and yelling at him.
"No."
She lowered her gaze, landing on their clasped hands resting on her stomach. How had that happened and when? "I don't want you to see me like this."
His chin rested on her right shoulder. "Too late. Already happened."
"God, you're such a bastard!" She never let anyone see her like this, vulnerable and needy. She always broke down in private and remained stoic in public. Never let anyone know that she did indeed fall apart sometimes. That a small part of her was vulnerable.
Surprising himself and Kate, Gibbs kissed her cheek. "I know." Didn't need to say any more than that. "It's okay to let your guard down in front of others. They won't think less of you if there's kink in your armor."
"You make it sound so simple."
"Because it is."
A shaky laugh came from her. "I'm in a male dominant profession. If I break down in front of certain coworkers..."
"I won't think less of you," he whispered. "You shouldn't be ashamed of tears. You know what that makes you?"
There was bitterness in her voice. "What?"
His voice was soft in her ear. No sarcasm. Just bare. "Human. It shows them that you're human. That you feel something."
She relaxed in his embrace for the first time. "Then why did you yell at me?" Referring to when she was arguing about the young man being the murderer and finding out that he was with his swim coach at the time of the Commander's demise.
"Because I knew that you would beat yourself up over your decision. You can't carry this around with you, Kate. It'll eat you up on the inside." Their fingers danced over each other's palms.
"Speaking from experience?"
He murmured, "More than you know."
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kate's head rested against his shoulder. She had been so focused on trying to get away from Gibbs that she hadn't realized how comforting this was. How right it felt. And it shouldn't feel this good. He was her team leader. "We shouldn't be doing this." Why was she being the fucking voice of reason? When did they reverse roles?
His arms tightened around her. "Says who?"
"You for one. I vaguely remember a certain someone telling that romances between agents never work and what about rule twelve."
"What about it?"
A smile tugged at her lips. The first one in a long while. "Never date a coworker."
Gibbs scoffed, "Can't a man change his mind?"
"Not when that man is you." Kate needed to control herself. She wanted to crawl inside Gibbs and stay there. Forever. This was why she tried to distance herself from him as much as possible. There was something...something that she couldn't explain or describe about him that drew her to him like a moth to a flame.
"You hungry?" Quickly he changed the subject. For whose benefit? Kate wasn't quite sure.
She softly giggled, "I'm not sure." Where did that come from? She could've sworn that she was beyond repair moments ago and now Gibbs had her giggling. Giggling?
"You're not sure? When's that last time you ate?"
"I really can't remember."
Gibbs helped her stand up and then stood up on his feet. He saw her gaze land on the still open cold storage locker. Drifting over to block her view with his body, he rubbed his hands up and down her biceps. "I'll put him to rest, Kate. Go on out to the elevator."
She simply nodded. Slowly she walked out of Autopsy, not feeling any remorse about having let Gibbs see a small shred of her vulnerability. Before she had time to reflect on what transpired between them, Gibbs materialized beside her, pushed the button for the elevator and they waited in silence.
~*~*~*~*~*~
We are each of us angels with one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.
-Lucretius
"God, make it stop!" Kate groaned at the annoying ringing that had woken her up. She burrowed deeper beneath the blanket but moaned when the warm body behind her shifted, taking its heat with it.
"Yeah," a growl sounded. "Okay, I'll be there in an hour." He quickly added, hoping the person on the other end hadn't hung up, "Oh, hey! Grab some coffee while you wait for everyone to arrive."
Rolling onto her back, she stretched her arm above her head and then stole a glance at the bedside clock: 6:15. Approximately four hours of sleep and yet, she felt incredibly rested. And she still had her clothes on. That was a definite first when falling into bed with a man. "Mmm... new case?"
"Yeah," Gibbs groaned. He rolled on top of herâ€"pinning her to the mattress. "God, you're beautiful in the morning," he whispered against her lips.
Her eyebrows quirked. "Really? Are we talking about the same person? Because I seem to remember crawling into bed last night without taking off my clothes and make up. At least I remembered to brush my teeth."
He pressed his hips down onto hers, bringing a throaty moan from her. "Can't you just take a compliment and be done with it?"
"Something I have to work on. Want to teach me?" Kate wrapped her legs around his waist, arched into him and then gasped at the friction of the fabric against her mound. "How long until we have to be at NCIS?" Fingers danced underneath his shirt and dipped beneath the waistband of his pants.
How had they gone to bed without ripping each other's clothes off and ravishing one another?
"Not long enough." He hated pulling away. Hated leaving her warmth and endearing caresses. Tried to put distance between their lower bodies but Kate's legs held tight. "Kate," he growled.
She huffed, "Spoilsport." Reluctantly, she released him and watched as he crawled from the bed and then stood beside it, looming over her.
"How about a rain check on our current activities?" His teeth nipped at her lower lip. "I had a wonderful time last night. Got to run, though, because of having to change clothes." Finally the man kissed her, softly at first, testing the waters until she gripped the back of his neck and hauled him to her. Teeth clashed. Tongues dueled. He caught her bottom lip between his teeth and sucked hard before releasing it.
"Hmm, you sure know how to show a girl a good time." A sultry smile tugged at her lips.
He chuckled.
"Now, get the hell out of here before I just say the hell with it and have my wicked way with you."
Gibbs studied her. "Are you serious?"
"Yes."
He swallowed. "Right." A hand ran through his hair. One more kiss and then stood to his full height. "See you later." He beat a hasty retreatâ€"not because she wanted him as much as he did her, but because one more kiss and he would've been in the fuck it attitude and wouldn't have stopped.
After Gibbs practically sprinted from her bedroom, Kate crawled from the bed and padded tot he bathroom. One look in the mirror and she cringed. Beautiful? What had Gibbs been smoking and why hadn't he shared it with her? Her mascara was clumped; lipstick non-existent and eye shadow was smeared.
Not even going to mention the state of her clothes. She stripped, threw everything in the hamper before stepping into the shower.
Standing underneath the hot, pounding spray, she reminisced about last night.
After leaving NCIS, they drove to her apartmentâ€"Gibbs had wanted her to be comfortable and thought her own personal environment was the best medicine. With it being rather later to order out, Kate scrounged her kitchen for any thing resembling food before being ordered out by Gibbs.
Before long, smells had drifted into the living room and she ventured back into the kitchen. Gibbs had found all the ingredients for chicken cacciatoreâ€"things that she didn't even know she had. He plated the chicken on a small bed for spaghetti and they had eaten in comfortable silence.
Once dinner had been done and the leftovers put away, dishes washed and put awayâ€"they'd retired to the living room. Talked about anything, everything, and nothing at all. Somehow managed to avoid their feelings for each other that made themselves present in Autopsy.
Both had known it needed to be discussed. But neither wanted to voice the elephant in the room. Neither wanted to ruin the lighthearted mood that had settled over them.
It had been Gibbs who finally paid attention to the elephant.
"I don't want this between us to be defined by a traumatic event. On either of our parts. I do have feelings for you. And over the months after I noticed them, I've been telling myself that it's ridiculousâ€"that I made a damn rule for a reason. But I've come to realize that life throws you some curve balls and you might as well accept them. Kate, I want you to be with me because you want to be. Not because I helped you through a difficult time and you see me in a hero aspect."
She shook her head at him. "Remember that I was the one who didn't want you to see me like that." Wanting to look him in the eyes and make sure that he didn't look away, she straddled his thighs and sat in his lap. "I do want to be with you. But I do want to take it slow. Get to know each other in all aspects."
"Take it slow? As in..." he gestured with his eyes between them. His hands itched to touch her but he knew that once he didâ€"no turning back.
Kate finished with her shower and fifteen minutes later; dressed, hair done, make up on and then she gathered up her gear, grabbed her keys and was out the door on her way to NCIS.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kate strolled into Abby's lab two hours later, carrying an evidence box. "Here's everything from our missing Petty Officer's room. Tony and McGee are on their way with the remaining boxes."
She set it down on the long table.
"Thanks." Abby continued to play on her computer.
"Okay," she muttered. Kate turned to leave.
Abby shouted, "Am I a bad friend?"
Where did that come from? Kate faced the Goth. "What are you talking about, Abby?"
"I know you were hurting yesterday. I saw it in your face. Well, your eyes any way." Abby rambled on, "And I waited for you to come to me. To talk. But you didn't. You always come to me."
How did Abby know how to make her feel like a fucking heel? She sighed as she went over to her friend. "Abby, I'm truly sorry. This time was different."
"What was different about it? You needed a friend. Hello," Abby gestured with her handsâ€"pointing to herself.
"Abby," Kate breathed deeply. "I didn't want you to see my vulnerability." Why the hell were her hands so fidgety? "I hate showing people that side of me. I hate feeling that way." Kate tried to give Abby a bright smile, but failed
Without thinking, Abby enveloped Kate in her arms. "You don't always have to be the strong one, Kate. Sometimes you can let someone else be strong for you."
Not saying a word, Kate just nodded against Abby's shoulder. Gibbs had been right last night. No one would think less of her if she showed her vulnerability. It was okay to be human.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
That night, Gibbs showed up at her door with Chinese take outâ€"knowing both were winded from the excitement of the day. A missing Petty Officer. With Abby expansive digging, evidence revealed that the PO was only UA. He had wanted to disappear for a few days, but neglected to inform his CO of his plans and did not request any leave time.
Once he had all the facts and evidence, Gibbs gladly handed the case file over to JAG. By then, it
was nine thirty. He'd sent everyone home an hour ago while he finished up the paperwork.
"Going to show me another good time?"
"Maybe," he replied tongue in cheek. "What if I want to cash in our rain check tonight?" He glanced over his shoulder at her as she closed the door, noticing her hands shaking slightly. She was affected as much as he. Not immune one bit.
She hummed, "Tempting. Definitely tempting. But first, you must feed me." She laughed at his raised eyebrows and added with a sensual smile, "Food that is. Then, maybe we'll discuss that rain check of ours." She shrugged her shoulders before going into the kitchen to retrieve two glasses and plates.
Upon returning with the glasses brimming with water and the plates tucked under her arm, she set everything down on the table and settled down in the seat across from Gibbs. "I want to say thank you and you were right." She plated her shrimp lo mein and then dug in.
He had done the same. In between bites, he asked, "What do you mean?"
With such precision and skill, she popped a shrimp into her mouth with the chopsticks. "That it's okay to be human. To show my vulnerability from time to time."
He wasn't as skilled as she with the chopsticks. Adequate though. "What brought this on?"
"More like who. Abby." Another bite. "She cornered me in her lab and expressed how miffed she was yesterday when I didn't confide in her." A look of confusion marred his face. Of course she would have to explain. "Whenever I have a problem or just need to vent, to Abby I go. Yesterday, I avoided her. Avoided everyone."
"Because you were hurting in a different way." She nodded in agreement. "Did you tell Abby that I was there for you?"
"How I would go about doing that?"
Gibbs shrugged before finishing off his meal. "Is what we're doing wrong?"
Kate smiled at him. "You tell me. You're the team leader." She finished off the last two bites and pushed her plate away. "I know that what is between us didn't bloom from what transpired last night. It's more that. It has been here, between us, for a while."
He stood up from table, gathered up the dishes and took them into the kitchen. Returning to her, he offered her his hand which she gladly took and he drew her to her feet. They stood, staring at each other, their mouths millimeters apart, breaths mingling. His heart was thudding in his chest and he could've sworn that she heard it. With gentleness, he pulled her along with him to her bedroom.
"What are you doing?" Her words were a breathy whisper.
"I’m going to show you that I can be human, too." Gibbs drew her into the bedroom and shut the door. Shut the world outside.
THE END
Author's Chapter Notes:
To be alive is to be vulnerable