Chapter 3“ I saw you standing at the back of the chapel and then again here. When I saw you coming up I had to tell you what Jethroe told me. Why didn't you come sit with the rest of us here and at the chapel?”
“ I didn't think anyone would want me here especially since Jethroe died because of me.” Tim said in almost a whisper as he stared at the ground beneath his feet.
The elder Gibbs took McGee's chin in his hand and raised his eyes to meet his own. “Timothy, Tony told me what you said about yourself the other day. About them all not wanting you here or at work. That they all blamed you for Jethroe's death. I want you to know that they were all very deeply hurt by what you said. Then not showing up for the funeral and then not being here at the grave site upset them all a great deal. Tim they all love you so very much. They also know how much your hurting and want to be there for you if you will let them. They don't blame you. What they do know is that Jethroe died protecting the very man he loved with all his heart. Now I will leave you alone to finish. Get some rest Timothy you need it.” The elder Gibbs turned and walked away. Leaving McGee alone.
McGee stood watching as the elder Gibbs walk away. Thinking to himself that he had missed his chance with Jethroe and now it was all gone. McGee left the cemetery and on his way home all he could think about was what the elder Gibbs had said.
For weeks McGee ate little and slept less. He worked long hours despite the protests of his friends and coworkers. He still felt useless and worthless just like when he was a kid. His father had always told him he was useless and nothing he ever did would matter. Finally leaving work exhausted and harried. McGee drove to his special place, a place where he could be alone and think. Pulling up to the cliff the sun was beginning to set over the ocean. This was on of the times of the day that Tim loved the most. He had always wanted to bring Gibbs here and share not only the ocean,the sunset, the sunrises, the soft grass, but the amazing view of the night sky. Now he would never get to share this with the one person who meant the most to him. He would never feel his touch, hiss him, see his smile again, or be able to tell him how much he loved him.
Tim sat in the soft grass felling the ocean's breeze blowing against his skin, cooling the tears that flowed down the young man's cheek. Sitting there silhouetted against the sky, as he watched the sunset, the sky looked like it was on fire. It was the most beautiful sunset that McGee had ever seen. As he watched the emotional walls and dams he had built to try to hold back the tears burst as he thought about how this would be the most perfect sunset to watch with Jethroe. His tears came flooding back. The pain in his heart was unbearable. His body was wracked by the sobs as the tears continued uncontrolled.
“Why? Why? God did you have to take the only person in my life that meant anything to me. Why just this once couldn't I have some happiness in life? Why couldn't someone love me just once? What have I done to deserve this? What horrible thing did I do to make you hate me this much?
Why Gibbs and not me? Why did he have to leave me alone with this hurt and pain?” Tim screamed at the setting sun, as the tears continued to burn his cheeks as they fell. McGee didn't know how long he had laid there. He knew it was late the moon had set and his body ached from the cold we ground. He drove home lost in his thoughts and running on automatic. He let Jett the dog out to do his business. He laid out his clothes for the next day and got ready for bed. Tim crawled into bed exhausted, but before he slept he opened his laptop and clicked on his personal journal entries. Just as he started to type his first entry of the night, McGee remembered the sleeping pills that Ducky had given to try and help him sleep. Glancing at the alarm clock by the bed he noticed the time as 4:30am. He knew that no one would care if he didn't come in today. Hell they wouldn't care, they probably wouldn't even notice him being gone.
He couldn't stand the thought of going back there. Knowing that they all blamed him for Gibbs death and wishing it had been him instead. He knew that they would all be much happier without him, happy to be rid of him.
He thought that they were his friends, his family, people that wanted him and loved him despite his faults. When he needed them he thought that they would be there for him. They however in his time of greatest need they had turned their backs on him and left him to rot in the sewer of his own hurt and anguish.
Blinking back the tears, McGee dumped a bunch of the pills into his hand, leaned his head back and began to swallow pill after pill. As he dumped the last of them into his mouth he followed them with water to make sure they went down with the least amount of discomfort.
Done with that he picked up his laptop and began his final entry in his journal.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs death and the toll it takes on a member of the team