Chapter 2
Says everything is unraveling.
I take his hand…
~ Bird York
Tony's faith that good will prevail is testament to his positive outlook in life, but after the way his two-year tenure in Baltimore ended he wonders if he's the world's biggest schmuck for clinging to that thread of hope.
Tony believes that it is possible to have a movie-perfect marriage, despite a lot of evidence to the contrary, which is why he asked Wendy to marry him in the first place. He set his heart on creating the kind of life that he'd always yearned for, but when the whole love-and-marriage package fell apart, the breakup hurt so damned much that Tony was determined never to fall in love again. He would never offer his heart to anyone, he swore, on the presumption that where there is no love, there can be no pain. It was a naïve and unrealistic notion, of course, because at heart Tony was (and still is) a romantic, and denying love isn't going to inure him to it. Nevertheless, he made it a rule.
Tony knows how damned lucky he is that Gibbs trusted in him enough to offer him a job and new purpose in life. The timing was impeccable. Tony knows, too, that Gibbs doesn't offer his friendship or his loyalty lightly. Even though he's only been at NCIS for a few weeks, and he still doesn't have a permanent place to live, it's already become home to him.
Unfortunately, Tony's ex-fiancée is currently living in the new condo in Baltimore that they chose together. Since Tony is the one who actually bought it, he's making the payments (big ones that eat away at his salary,) and he has a feeling that he'll be paying out for some time to come. He's living in temporary quarters on base in DC, which are cold and impersonal, but Tony can't find it in himself to evict Wendy â€" so he can put it on the market â€" even if she did rip out his heart and then stomp all over it with those pointy stilettos she favors.
And then there's the matter of his corrupt ex-partner, who is working at what used to be their cases with a new probie partner who is sitting at Tony's desk in what used to be his precinct, and Danny is acting as if he hasn't done anything fucking wrong and that's almost as bad as being on the take in the first place. For all Tony knows, Danny's still taking payoffs (okay, it's more than likely he never stopped doing it.) Tony's torn between wanting to beat the crap out of his ex-partner for being so fucking stupid and sending his career down the toilet, and forgiving Danny for being a terminal jerk-off and being seduced by the Dark Side. Danny's sealed his own fate though; even if Tony doesn't breathe a word of it someone will figure it out at some point.
Tony viciously sticks the sharp prongs of the barbeque fork into the tender meat and mutters under his breath, "You lost your girl, your partner, your job and your home all in one day, DiNozzo." He's pretty much lost his hope, too, which is enough to give him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
But it comes to Tony that whenever he gets in one of these (dark, bruised, midnight-blue) moods, which seem to sneak up on him every couple of days, he looks up and sees Gibbs scrutinizing him, sort of like he wants to say something but he's at a loss as to how to go about it. It's subtle but it's definitely there. Gibbs isn't the kind of man who talks things out anyway. In the end Gibbs says nothing but Tony gets the message that someone is watching over him, and has his back, which makes him feel good, deep down.
While Tony stands over the grill and occasionally prods at the cooking meat, he realizes that being near Gibbs makes him feel grounded and secure, and that he trusts his new boss in a way he's never really trusted anyone before. His begins to accept that he's made the right choice and his mood lightens.
Gibbs has been supportive in his own sort of tough-it-out and get-on-with-life kind of way, all gruff noises and impatient looks that Tony knows are a cover for a really decent man who actually cares about him. And Gibbs understands at least some of what Tony's going through because, after all, he was there when the shit hit the fan. He knows the truth about Danny, and he was there to witness, first-hand, the pain Tony went through. Gibbs backs up Tony's decision not to bring his dishonest partner up on charges. It might sound sappy but Gibbs' support really does warm Tony's wounded heart.
Tony tries not to interpret Gibbs' attention as anything more than a mentor's concern for his new trainee. It isn't â€" can't be â€" anything more, Tony tells himself, even though it was obvious right from the start that they'd made a connection. That Tony's life has become centered around Gibbs, at work and after hours as well, and that he looks at Gibbs out of the corner of his eye and lets his imagination run free now and then, is weird because Tony's never so much as looked at a man before. Okay, he's looked, but it's only been window-shopping.
It's like some big cosmic joke, really, that Tony finds himself sexually attracted to a man, and not just any man; this is his superior at work, a man who might kill him with his bare hands if he catches on that Tony has the hots for him. Plus, finding the person Tony thinks he could spend some time with â€" like maybe the rest of his life â€" occurs at the very moment Tony has sworn to never enter into another relationship for as long as he lives. Except it will never happen.
From somewhere inside of Gibbs' home comes the sound of Stephanie saying, "I couldn’t get any of it right, could I? I wanted for us to have a child, and I messed that up, too, didn't I?"
Tony hears the pain in her voice and he wonders how two people can fall deeply in love and then end up acting as if they despise each other. He doesn't despise Wendy but whatever love he had for her is damned close to being dead by now. She pretty much killed it as soon as she turned her back on him instead of trusting him. She'd asked him what was wrong, she'd cajoled and pleaded for details, and Tony said that he couldn’t talk about it and explained it had nothing to do with them, that it was a private matter. Tony wasn't going back on his word to Danny not to rat on him, not even if it meant hurting Wendy. He'd never expected her to turn her back on him though.
Tony can't hear Gibbs' reply to Stephanie, if he even makes one. There are no more angry accusations but a couple of minutes later he hears a car door slam and an engine roars to life, and then there's nothing. Darkness falls quickly and mosquitoes come out in droves.
It's high time to remove the steaks from the grill and Tony recalls Gibbs saying he likes to pour beer over them first, so that's what Tony does, and then he uses the long-handled fork to move the overcooked steaks to the side to keep them warm. "Hope you like yours well done, Boss," Tony mutters, knowing how unlikely that is. Gibbs strikes Tony as being a rare-and-bloody kind of red-meat eater.
The porch light comes on and Gibbs steps out of the house to join Tony. The closed expression on his face barely masks his anger and distress. Tony knows from personal experience how upsetting it is to have your ex tell you how badly you've failed her, and to be unable to respond in kind. Watching Gibbs valiantly trying to keep it all bottled up makes Tony's heart ache for the man.
Tony averts his gaze and hopes it isn't apparent that he overheard the loud, almost-one-sided quarrel, or that a surge of warm and fuzzy feelings for his boss is making his cheeks heat up. Gibbs is standing too close to him, glaring at the remains of their dinner, so Tony points the barbeque fork at the smoking black lumps that were once steaks and says ruefully, with an exaggerated Texas drawl, "Ah think Ah killed 'em, Boss."
Gibbs shakes his head in disgust, delivers a light slap to the back of Tony's head and goes back into the kitchen without saying a word. He comes out with two fresh steaks, tosses them on the grill, and soon has them cooked to perfection. He sends Tony inside for a bottle of beer and when he returns, Gibbs does his magic with it. Tony knows he's watching the Jedi master and he can't help it if he has a silly grin on his face.
When the steaks are done (medium-rare) and are ready to remove from the flames, Tony offers Gibbs the barbeque fork. It's ignored, and a dangerous-looking knife appears in his boss's hand. Gibbs impales each steak in turn and with a flip of his wrist drops them one at a time on the plates that Tony holds at the ready.
"That, DiNozzo, is how you grill a steak," Gibbs growls.
"Okay, Boss, but maybe I should leave any future grilling in your obviously capable hands."
"Ya think?" Gibbs then complains about the damned mosquitos, but even Gibbs' precision-glare doesn't have any impact on them, so he marches inside with Tony following him. They settle at the dining room table and a couple of cold beers materialize. Gibbs pulls two large steaming hot baked potatoes from the oven and Tony wonders when he'd put them in to bake. Every move that Gibbs makes â€" putting utensils, butter, condiments on the table â€" is smooth and efficient but there is an underlying current of barely suppressed anger.
They eat in tense silence for a while, Gibbs using his knife with its gleaming blade to cut and spear his meat. Tony thanks Gibbs for the dinner, because he was brought up to be polite. 'Even if one is three sheets to the wind, there's no excuse not to be courteous,' Mom had always said, and she should know. Tony uses his knife and fork the European way but enviously watches Gibbs eating with his knife. He pictures Gibbs as a young Marine, slipping that sharp blade between the ribs of the enemy while on a mission. Gibbs, in turn, eyes Tony boldly while he's chewing, making the young agent uncomfortably aware he's being weighed up, though he's not sure why or for what purpose.
Tony never could let silence reign, so as he eats his dinner he makes movie references involving cookouts and food. He's in the middle of recounting a scene between John Wayne and a bad guy, and waving his fork around while saying, "…there was this roaring campfire with what I swear had to be an entire cow roasting on the biggest spit you've ever seen, and whenever the cowboy works the crank and rotates it you can clearly see this enormous cow dick standing straight up, like it's gotta be two feet long, which I guess makes it a bull on a spit and not a cowâ€"" when Gibbs suddenly gets up and stalks into the kitchen. Tony's eyes follow him, but he holds off relating any more of the story because he is pretty sure that Gibbs wasn't really listening in the first place.
Gibbs returns with a nearly full bottle of bourbon and two glasses. He plunks the tumblers down and proceeds to pour several fingers of liquor into them. Tony holds off on mentioning that he dislikes the taste of bourbon (and prefers a dry martini or a Bordeaux blanc from Aquitaine) because the look on Gibbs' face makes it clear that he is not in a tolerant mood.
Gibbs tosses back the contents of his glass then slams it down on the table. His mouth is working like he's about to spit out something really big and distasteful, but finally he stares right at Tony with his blue eyes practically blazing under the harsh overhead light, and says in a low, terse voice, "Remind me, DiNozzo. I want you to remind me to never ever get married again."
Tony's sitting there with his mouth open until Gibbs barks, "You with me, DiNozzo?" and Tony nods vigorously.
"On it, Boss," Tony promises, his eyes widening a little fearfully at the sight of Gibbs beginning to unravel. He's never seen him so angry, so close to losing it, in the three weeks they've worked side by side, and there's a vein throbbing in Gibbs' temple that even Ducky would surely find worrisome.
"Remind me, DiNozzo, that women are more damned trouble than they're worth, that nothing you do is ever enough. That she tears at you little by little until she leaves you bleeding at the side of the road like fucking road-kill, and then she backs her car over you â€" the car you paid for â€" before she speeds off to have dinner with her fucking divorce lawyer." Gibbs tosses back the rest of the bourbon in his glass and pours himself another one. "She knew what I was like when we got married, so what happened that all of a sudden she thinks I'm gonna change my ways?"
Tony nods sympathetically, fascinated and turned-on by this seething, intense Gibbs.
Gibbs' hands are gripping the edge of the table so hard his knuckles are white, and he says between clenched teeth, "Nothing you do is ever right…" He halts and stares at the bottle of bourbon for a while before he swallows hard and looks up, once again, directly into Tony's eyes. There's so much pain in Gibbs' eyes that Tony literally hurts for him, and it takes all of his self-control to stop himself from reaching out and placing his hands over Gibbs'.
Gibbs' voice is no longer vibrating with anger, but it's potent with emotion when he says, "Even when she loses…and she can't…" He wipes a hand over his face and after a long moment he says, in a low, rough voice, as if every word is being wrung out of him, "Sometimes you can't fix it. You can't…You can't find the words and she thinks you don't care."
Tony is witnessing Gibbs bare his soul and he knows without a doubt that it's a very rare occurrence, that Gibbs doesn't expose himself to just anyone, apparently not even to Stephanie when she was Mrs. Gibbs the Third.
To think that Gibbs trusts him like this is unbelievable, and Tony's afraid he'll do something, or say something, that will ruin it all and stop the flow of Gibbs' heartfelt words. Tony doesn't know what to say to Gibbs any more than the older man knows how to speak to his ex-wife but Tony does have an idea how he can fix it, even if it's temporary.
Tony doesn't like bourbon but he drinks the contents of his glass and then wiggles the empty to indicate he would like some more. Casually, he says, "I know you care, Boss."
Gibbs looks at him with an unfathomable expression and then he tops off both of their glasses. They clink their glasses together in an abrupt toast and slowly but surely they both get drunk.
***end chapter 2***
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