Chapter 4
'Cause I had a dream
that our hearts were like flowers opening up
every time that we love…
~ Bird York
Tony gave all of himself to his relationship with Wendy, and it had seemed at the time that she was equally committed to him. The thing was that it hadn't taken much for her to turn around and break his heart, and his trust â€" irrevocably and oh, so painfully. She'd insisted on knowing what was going on with Danny, but Tony had kept silent about what had gone down. If Danny wanted to tell her then it was his choice. Angry and hurt, Wendy turned away from Tony and she went to console Danny, believing him to be the injured party. She didn't have a clue how devastating it was for Tony to have lost his best friend and partner, and his faith in people, all at one fell swoop. Trouble was, he couldn’t find the words to explain any of it to her.
"I never…I never saw it coming," Tony tells Gibbs, and shakes his head. "She blindsided me." So had Danny with his treachery and right now Tony doesn't know which one was worse. "She didn't understand how hard…I mean, it's not real easy for me to…you know." Tony looks to Gibbs for help but although Gibbs meets his eyes, and he seems sympathetic, he doesn't help Tony out. "Hard for me to…commit," Tony says with difficulty, breathing heavily with the effort it takes him to say those words. "She gave up on me," he groans.
That she'd given up on him so easily, had believed the worst of him when he'd refused to tell her what had really gone on between him and his partner, had crushed Tony. It would be a very long time for his fractured heart to mend, if it ever did. "I gave her everything, you know? My heart, dammit! So much for promises," Tony says unhappily.
"You didn't tell her," Gibbs says.
Tony gives a small noncommittal shake of his head.
Gibbs grunts. "You didn't trust her."
"Sure I did," Tony replies, shocked that Gibbs would suggest such a thing. "I trusted her with my heart, damn it!"
"They can tell when you're holdin' back. DiNozzo." He nods wisely. "They're like those little animals that dig…"
"Moles?"
"Nah." Gibbs makes motions with his hands to describe the shape of the animal whose name he's seeking.
"Ferrets?"
"Yeah, that's them. Ferrets." Gibbs nods wisely. "Never let up."
"It wasn't my secret to tell. If I told her then I was breaking trust with Danny," Tony protests.
"Huh. He's a crooked cop, DiNozzo."
"Didn't matter what it was about. I told him I'd keep it to myself, and I meant it. DiNozzos don't go back on their word, Boss." After a minute, Tony says, "She should've trusted that I was keeping it to myself for a good reason."
"Some things defy reason, DiNozzo. Women's one of 'em," Gibbs says sourly.
Tony's brain is tired and he doesn't want to think of his latest failure any more. He suspects that Gibbs doesn't want to think about his ex-wife and their earlier quarrel, either.
Tony sighs and thinks how glad he is that Gibbs steered him into the NCIS recruiting office, and that he was so readily accepted, by both the agency and his new boss. Gibbs is a good leader, a stalwart, honest, dedicated officer of the law; Gibbs would never turn on his partner. Plus it doesn't hurt that Gibbs is damned handsome and is really sexy for an older man, and Tony would bet Gibbs is pretty impressive when he's naked, with that big chest and straight back, and he'll have big balls that are slightly furred, and his cock will hang heavy until he turns towards Tony and then it will rise and grow rigid and thick and it'll be quite a sight. Tony sighs and closes his eyes.
When it hits Tony what went through his head a moment ago, his eyes fly open and he slaps himself in the middle of his forehead. What was he thinking? If Gibbs gets wind of what he'd just imagined he'd have Tony's head on a platter.
"You okay?" Gibbs asks. He's lying back on the couch, and his face is so damned close that Tony can feel the warmth of his bourbon-flavored breath on his cheek.
With those blue eyes studying him with concern, Tony finds he can't breathe. Overwhelmed, Tony lowers his gaze and focuses on the gray hairs peeping out from the neckline of Gibbs' polo shirt. "I'm tryin' to be okay, Gibbs." Tony raises his eyes to Gibbs' and isn't surprised to see compassion and something that looks damned well like affection in their depths. "How're you doin'?" Tony asks stupidly.
For a moment it seems as if Gibbs has forgotten his earlier dispute with his ex, and he doesn't seem to know what Tony's referring to, but then he connects the dots and shrugs. "Been 'round this divorce crap a coupla times already."
"Maybe it's time you tried something else," Tony suggests. Gibbs raises his eyebrows but Tony can't express what he's really thinking, that maybe Gibbs should try some same-sex loving and see if it's better and longer lasting. An image of naked men grappling flashes before Tony's eyes, like a short clip edited out of a foreign film: Alan Bates and Oliver Reed wrestling in front of the fireplace in 'Women in Love.' It's the 'hetero men exploring their gay side' kind of movie you'd see in an art-film cinema that shows European films for half-price on Wednesday nights. It's the type of movie Tony enjoys on his own because he doesn't know anyone who'd go with him, and besides, he doesn't really mind going solo because then you don't have to share your large tub of buttered popcorn with anyone.
"Try something else? Or someone else?" Gibbs moves closer to Tony until their mouths are only inches away from each other, their proximity inexplicably making Tony shy.
He berates himself for thinking it would be a bright idea to get drunk with Gibbs, and that somehow he could help ease Gibbs' pain when he was having a hard time over his divorce. Tony lowers his eyes when a surge of insecurity wells up, which isn't at all how he expects to react considering he's lying mere inches from his handsome boss, and he's dreamed about making a move on the guy since Baltimore. His heart beating madly, Tony tries to hide his face, and emotions, from Gibbs, and turns away.
Gibbs won't have any of it. He gently turns Tony's face in his direction, forcing the younger man to look at him. "Hey," he says, questioning what's going on in Tony's mind.
"Jesus," mutters Tony, shocked at what he sees. It looks like Gibbs might be a little bit interested in him. Tony should be excited, but there's something preventing him from reaching out. It's that old self-preservation thing again, that inner-Tony yelling at him to simply get the hell up and walk away â€" now â€" before Gibbs does something that makes Tony respond in a way he's gonna regret for the rest of his life. He's dying to touch Gibbs, and to be touched in return, but Tony knows that the second he does so, that'll be it. He'll be heading down the road again, that rough and lonely road that can only lead to disappointment and heartbreak, and they'll end up hating each other. God, whatever happened to the promise of the Hollywood ending?
Tony asks himself, if he leaves now, what will he miss? Inner-Tony (who, strangely enough, is dressed like a baseball catcher, complete with faceguard) shouts at him, 'You'll miss the pain, the hurt, that agonizing, belly-aching agony that can only come with love won and lost. For once, DiNozzo, do…not…fucking give in.' This is the same voice that he ignored when he took Wendy's hand in his and asked her to marry him. The same figment of his apparently over-active imagination that yelled at him, 'I told you fucking so, DiNozzo!' after she threw his diamond ring at his feet, and neither Inner-Tony nor his ex-fiancée offered him any compassion in his time of need. God, did he never learn?
Next thing he knows, Gibbs' hand is resting on his neck, warm and so comforting that Tony leans into it, his eyes closing for fear of breaking the spell. "God," he whispers. "I'm so afraid of making the wrong move, because everything that's supposed to be good, everything I touch, it all goes wrong and I'm so tired of trying, and I know I'll never be happy because I keep repeating the same mistakes, and it makes me think it's really a good time for me to give up and I'll be leaving nowâ€""
"Shut up, will ya, Tony?" Then Gibbs is pulling him close so their chests meet and his fingers are in Tony's hair and his mouth descends and amazingly, he's kissing Tony as if he's been waiting for this moment for far too long.
Tony, of course, gives in.
With a moan, he wraps his arms around Gibbs' shoulders because he can't get enough of him and he, too, has waited a lifetime for this and he's practically sobbing with need. That's when it hits Tony that he hasn't really lost all hope, that everything that went down in Baltimore has not totally ruined his chance at happiness after all, and that it's Gibbs who has brought it back to life. Somewhere, in Tony's befuddled mind, he wonders if he's finally found his crazy, beautiful Technicolor dream.
***end chapter 4***
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