After Tony left, Gibbs remained seated on his stool, still felt the shoulder squeeze like it was branded on him. A flood of emotions roared behind his eyes. Despite the roaring, the one thing that was louder than all the rest. Tony wants me…and he kept it from me for years.
A rush of emotions came back all at once. When Tony had the plague, Gibbs had realized then what Tony meant to him, had agonized over telling him how he felt because Tony was more to him than all his ex-wives combined. Except Shannon. Gibbs now understood why he had so much noise in his head. Finding out Tony was bisexual was a mental baseball hat to the head.
Another head rush. Maybe I could share them with the only man who made me want to settle down.
"Dammit, why didn't he tell me?" Gibbs growled through his teeth and slammed his hand down on the table top as Tony had earlier, the frustration rising like too much foam on a mug of beer. Gibbs remembered each time homosexuality had come up in a case and talking with gay suspects. Each time, he had felt uncomfortable, lest he somehow give away his feelings for Tony. It never bothered him when suspects were gay - it was just a different angle on a case to consider - but he had been convinced Tony was straight and Gibbs wasn't going to tell him because that could have been disastrous. Not that he wouldn't have trusted Tony to know but just that there had been no reason for him to know.
The only other person in the world who had ever known was Shannon. She knew before he even went to the Persian Gulf about his sexuality what could happen if things got ugly. "Jethro, take comfort when and with who you can find any. Life is short over there. War is hell. Don't forget to live." Tears stung Gibbs' eyes at the memory of that conversation. He remembered the Persian Gulf. Yes, it had been hell. Yes, he and some of the other men needed comfort, a temporary escape. Yes, they lived.
He never imagined it would be hers and Kelly's whose lives would be cut short. He went to fight a war and came back in one piece but she and their daughter died. He could almost hear Shannon's voice again, "Don't forget to live." When they thought Tony was going to die from the plague, he had wanted, more than anything, for Tony to live…even if he couldn't have him. You. Will. Not. Die. He remembered ordering him while he laid there, fighting to even breathe.
Tony recovered. He got on with his life. Gibbs got on with his…such as it was. He tried to put Tony out of his mind, had even liked Colonel Mann a lot but when she asked him to go to Hawaii…he didn't even have to think about it first. He wouldn't leave Tony until Tony decided to leave him.
Now, all these years later, he finds out Tony loved him all along. He could tell him now and it would be okay…better than okay. More importantly, they could live.
Gibbs felt twitchy from sitting still so long and he stood and stretched. He was tired but his mind was still roaring with noise. All these years he had watched Tony and Ziva, wondering when they would stop pretending they wanted each other and now…the weight of that was gone. Tony was his if he wanted him.
That old ache, the ache he had squashed down as hard as he could, by sheer force of his own will, rose back to the surface so fast, so intense, so high he could barely contain it. He had reigned himself in, chosen not to get involved with anyone else and now blood rushed through his body and at the same time, remembered how Tony broke down, his last wall crumbled.
More thoughts quieted the roaring. He's still grieving over Ziva. Don't be hasty. Tomorrow, he may regret this conversation, if he hadn't already. Don't lose control unless it's real.
Tony would be haunted by Ziva the way he was haunted by Shannon. There would be rough days. There would be even worse days. But they'd get through them like they got through everything else. This time it would be together.
Tony needed him. Gibbs put his hand on his chest where Tony had cried. It was still damp with his tears. He could still smell a faint whiff of Tony's aftershave.
***
Tony had forced himself to not think and not feel during the drive home. He focused on the road, got home in one piece.
As soon as he entered his apartment and locked the door, he sank down to the floor and just sat there, the cold floor making his ass cold but he couldn't even care. He had done it. All these years and he finally…finally told Gibbs the truth. Not a playboy, not a womanizer, not even close. Sure, he'd enjoyed sex with women but it was never enough. His career, the dangers a federal agent faced every day, the possibility of going to work and not coming home, no one who didn't live it could really understand it. The women, the few one night stands he'd actually had just to take the edge off had been welcome, enjoyed and appreciated. But none of them were…
"Jethro," he whispered aloud, needing to hear his name. "No one knows me like you do. Please, please, don't shut me out now." More tears burned in the back of his eyes.
Tony thought about the stricken look on Gibbs' face. This doesn't make sense. Tony smiled a little. He didn't blame Jethro for being confused. That had always been his #1 secret, only because the man he wanted was straight and there was no need for him to know and #2, enemies can use that as a weapon. And thanks to his career choices, enemies were never in short supply.
Tony made himself get up and he went into the bathroom. His eyes were still red and unshed tears shone brightly. He almost looked drunk but knew he wasn't. He'd had that shot of bourbon but that didn't come anywhere near drowning his sorrows. He remembered crying on his shoulder and his face burned a little. He hadn't cried in front of anyone since he was a young boy but once Jethro put his arm around his neck, he was lost. When he was near him, he felt safe, a feeling he had seldom ever enjoyed.
***
The next day at work was much like any previous day except for one difference had there been any astute observers singling the team out. DiNozzo and Gibbs both looked like neither had slept a wink the night before.
McGee, the ever-competent NCIS investigator, noticed. "Hey Tony, stay up late clubbing last night?"
Tony looked over at McGee but didn't smile, the heavy bags under his eyes belying his weariness. He held his gaze for a mere moment and turned back to his monitor without a word. McGee glanced over at Bishop who met his gaze.
"Tony?" Bishop said. "Are you all right?"
He glanced up and gave her the same frosty glare he had just given McGee. "Don't you have something to analyze, Ms. NSA Analyst?"
Bishop didn't let this stop her. She had grown to like the senior field agent and seeing him like this troubled her. "Yeah, I'm analyzing why you, of all people, aren't sleeping, not joking around and basically look like hell."
Tony had to admit that normally, he would have smiled at that kind of comment, especially coming from her and his respect for her grew a notch.
His attention was diverted to McGee. "She's right. Tony, what's wrong?" Tim regretted his teasing and the concern in his face was unmistakable.
"I'm fine, you two…really. It's just insomnia. It happens sometimes. Not a big deal. We have a case to investigate. Let's impress Gibbs when he gets back."
Bishop and McGee let it drop but Tony could tell Tim wasn't going to let it go forever.
They worked the case until 6:30 when Gibbs finally gruffly told them all to go home for the weekend. He could usually go days without sleep, often did, but today…it just wasn't in him. He was preoccupied, he was tired and dammit, Tony looked as bad as he felt.
"Tony, Gibbs, Bishop and I are going for a beer. Want to join us?" McGee smiled as he and Bishop started for the elevator.
Tony then realized how slowly he was moving and his backpack wasn't even packed. "No. Thanks, Tim. Maybe next time."
Gibbs had only shaken his head no but made himself smile an acknowledgement for the invitation.
Tim looked over at Tony as he packed up his stuff to head for home but Tony kept his eyes on his own stuff. They said good night.
Once they disappeared in the elevator, Tony looked over at Gibbs for the first time that day. "You staying here, Boss?"
"Don't I always, DiNozzo?" Gibbs sounded like himself and Tony couldn't help but smile.
"Just wondering if you wanted company on a Friday night." He said just loud enough for Gibbs to hear but he didn't even look up. "Okay, night, Boss."
Barely five minutes after Gibbs heard the ding of the elevator closing behind Tony, he glanced around the office. One team at the other end was busy working a case and would probably be there for hours, if not all night. Gibbs glanced down at the report he was trying to read and sighed, the look on Tony's face last night haunted him. Jethro, you've been alone all these years. Tell me, does loneliness ever eat you alive?
He shivered involuntarily and he shut off his computer with more energy than pressing a button called for and grabbed his jacket, shrugging into it. He left without a backward glance.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony has accepted reality but the pain is unbearable. What if he takes one last chance on love? Contains echoes of TIVA.