Lieutenant j.g. Kelly Turner checked out her personal handgun from the Armory. "I need to practice my left-handed shooting," she said to the Armorer. "Very well, ma'am," the middle-aged Marine said, bored. It was as if Turner had asked for a bathroom key and explained why she needed it.
Turner went over to the junior officer barracks and barged into Ensign Pavel Amirov's quarters and pointed her gun at him with her right hand. Amirov was in civilian clothes, adjusting the medals on one of his uniform jackets as it hung on a hanger. "I will not be a victim anymore!" Turner shouted.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, calmly setting down a Navy Achievement Medal on the table.
"I know you've been stalking me, and you've been messing up my Wikipedia page!"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Can you put the gun down?"
"Admit it!"
"Okay, I did it. Put the gun down."
"You bastard!" She shot once, killing him. She got her phone out and called the MPs. "I've killed my stalker," she said.
Theme music and opening credits go here. This is supposed to be a slash fanfic, so Gibbs and Tony are in bed together when the call comes in, causing the rhythmic sound of the mattress to come to an abrupt halt. "Gibbs," Gibbs said on the phone. "I'll be there soon." Gibbs got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. "Dead crypto submariner at the junior officer barracks. What are you waiting for, DiNozzo, an invitation?"
"One would think that after what we were doing..."
It was quite straightforward at the scene of the crime. "Ensign Amirov died from a single gunshot to the chest," Ducky said. "I will still conduct a very thorough autopsy, but I rather doubt it will tell us anything out of the ordinary. I quite suspect it will be a fascinating perp interview."
Gibbs just smirked.
Back at NCIS headquarters, they put Lt. Turner in an interrogation room with Gibbs and Ellie Bishop (you know, the NSA analyst turned NCIS agent in Season 11). "He was messing up my Wikipedia page!" Turner said.
"You know, I don't fully understand these newfangled computers," Gibbs said, coyly, and signaled to the mirror. Harmon Rabb came in with a laptop. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention this fanfic is a crossover with JAG and NCIS: Los Angeles and NCIS: New Orleans? But now Harm is a civilian working at NCIS. "I looked up Kelly Turner on Wikipedia," Gibbs said. "Were you an admiral during World War II?"
"No, look up The Mastersingers of Nashville!" Turner said. "It's a singing competition on CBS. Wikipedia lists every single contestant on that show, even the ones who got eliminated the first time they were on."
"Could this whole thing be a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong?" Rabb asked. Gibbs made a gesture to Rabb to shut up.
"I loved you on Season 2," Ellie said. "You're kind of like me, smart and blonde, but a much better singer." It was hard to tell if Ellie was being sincere or sarcastic with that comment.
"Amirov used to be the drummer in my band, and he's always been in love with me," Turner said. "But the guys from CBS explained to me that Amirov's just not good enough to play drums for a nationally acclaimed singer like me."
"Yeah, plus those 6-month submarine deployments kind of put a crimp on your touring plans," Ellie said, and this time the sarcasm was more obvious. "TMZ and ZNN reported rumors you were going to resign your commission to devote yourself to your musical career."
"I fully intend to serve my full contract," Turner said.
"Well, that's going to be a little difficult with this murder charge," Gibbs said plainly.
"It was self-defense. He was stalking me, and I killed him before he could rape me," Turner said.
"How do you know he was going to rape you?" Gibbs asked.
"Look at the last message he left me on my Wikipedia talk page!" Turner said.
Gibbs slid the laptop to Ellie, who navigated it to the relevant page. "I will go into your quarters when you are asleep, and take you from behind, then I'm going to flip you around for the money shot," Ellie read. "That's disgusting and disturbing," Ellie said.
"Very disgusting and disturbing," Gibbs said.
"I also find it disgusting and disturbing," Rabb said awkwardly.
"But it's not signed Pavel Amirov," Gibbs said. "It's signed Loopclaimer. How do I know Loopclaimer really is Amirov, and not some random Internet dumbass?"
"Because, for one thing, he showed he knows some very specific things about me," Turner said. "Look at the message he left me before the one about raping me."
"You really like those tuna and avocado sandwiches from the PX, this is your third one this month," Ellie read.
"Hmm, that's very creepy," Gibbs said.
Ellie opened another tab on the Web browser and pulled up Turner's Facebook page. "I love these tuna and avocado sandwiches from MWR, this is my third one this month," Ellie read, then swung the laptop so Turner could see it. "You took that picture of your tuna and avocado sandwich?"
"Yes, but that was supposed to be private!" Turner said.
"I was an NSA analyst," Ellie said. "But I didn't need any of my special skills to find that bit of information about you. Your Facebook privacy settings need some tweaking."
"So how do you know that Loopclaimer is Amirov?" Gibbs asked.
"Because the Wikipedia ArbCom gave me his IP address," Turner said.
"You killed a man because Wikipedia told you he was stalking you?" Gibbs asked incredulously.
"You men don't understand, you have no concept what it's like to be a victim of stalking!" Turner exclaimed.
"You'd be surprised," Rabb said. "I know what it's like to be stalked by a rogue CIA agent. I know what it's like to be bound and gagged in my own apartment as said rogue CIA agent used my own oven to bake a mask of my face and then impersonated me in open court. I know what it's like to be stalked online even after that rogue CIA agent was put away in a federal prison."
"Um, Harm, I think you've gotten a little off track there," Ellie said.
"My point is not to question that you have been stalked in the past, that you suffered a serious and traumatic experience," Rabb said addressing Turner. "The statistics on stalking are alarming. But my concern is this case. I want to know if it occurred to you that maybe you have completely misunderstood the current situation, that maybe your past experience has caused you to jump to the conclusion that you're suffering the same kind of stalking again?"
Turner looked at Ellie hoping to get some sympathy. "Don't look at me," Ellie said. "I know when to use a taser and when to use a gun."
Turner sunk back in her chair. "Amirov was probably a Russian traitor anyway," she mumbled.
"Look," said Gibbs, "we take stalking very seriously here. But we also take murder and false reports very seriously, too." Turner pouted.
Gibbs and Ellie left the interrogation room. "I need to know what the Wikipedia ArbCom told Turner," Gibbs said.
"I'm so many steps ahead of you on this one," Ellie said. "Let's go to Ops."
In Ops, Ellie established an NSA interface and pulled up several documents with some cool sci-fi hand motions through empty air. Then she started explaining things very fast: "ArbCom is currently all men. They were thoroughly unconcerned by Loopclaimer's violent rape fantasy and decided the situation was not serious enough to warrant turning over Loopclaimer's IP addresses to the police, and sent Turner an e-mail saying they declined to take any action on the matter. But ArbCom has an al-Qaeda mole in it, who sent Turner a second e-mail saying ArbCom changed its mind and gave her information pointing her to Amirov, such as Amirov's e-mail address. Then the–"
"Wait, hold on," Gibbs said. "So if Amirov is not Loopclaimer, then who is?"
"Someone from an al-Qaeda sleeper cell who drove up to Turner's off-base house and used her WiFi connection to connect to Wikipedia as Loopclaimer."
"And what was the point of that, exactly?"
"Maybe so that if ArbCom had decided to give Turner the real Loopclaimer IP addresses, Turner could come to the absurd conclusion that maybe she's her own stalker?"
"Okay, sure. More importantly, though, why did al-Qaeda want Amirov dead?"
"So that he'd be replaced by Ensign Rogers, an al-Qaeda sleeper no one suspects of divided loyalties. The NSA already notified the Navy, so Rogers is on his way to Gitmo, while the sub's mission is postponed indefinitely. A CIA agent has already killed ArbCom's al-Qaeda mole."
"What's left for us to do?"
"Maybe help out the NCIS teams from Los Angeles and New Orleans go through an empty house with guns pointed before yelling clear?"
"Sounds good to me, let's go."
So here's that obligatory room-clearing scene: it's in a mansion this time. "Clear!" yelled Deeks. "Clear!" yelled Meredith Brody. "Clear!" yelled McGee.
Rabb went up to Brody. "Anyone ever tell you that you look like Petty Officer Jennifer Coates?" he asked her. "No, this is the first time," Brody said.
A few weeks later, Rabb and Ellie go to Navy JAG headquarters for some reason or other. They see Lt. Turner being escorted by a Marine bailiff while a thin, bald man in a fancy suit talks to her.
"What will happen to Kelly Turner now?" Ellie asked. "Will she ever record another album?"
"That's Jason Aguirre, former Army JAG prosecutor, now a civilian defense attorney," Rabb said.
"Is he any good?"
"His record is very good: he's successfully defended a dozen court-martial defendants and gotten major leniency for several others. Kelly Turner will record another album. Just not any time soon."
Story Notes:
JAG universe in which Rabb had to give up his commission after the series finale.
Author's Chapter Notes:
A Navy Lieutenant kills a submarine crypto officer over Wikipedia drama.
Chapter End Notes:
JAG universe in which Rabb had to give up his commission after the series finale.