Part 4 - Please read warnings in Part 1 and 2


Gibbs fingers brushed Tony's face then the older man mouthed "food" and walked out of the bathroom, leaving clear the silent command. Get dressed and come out to eat.

DiNozzo's skin tingled where he had been touched. Tingled in a way that soothed, excited and unnerved him. On whatever level... Tony knew what it meant, could hardly believe it.

But it would be short lived, he knew. Sometimes he would hide it... for awhile... just to satisfy his need to be close... to have contact. But then the need to be honest would overwhelm him... and it would all end... quietly... sometimes gently... always with pity...

Tony sighed and quickly combed his hair and got dressed; sweat pants, a t-shirt and socks. He came down the long hallway that led from his bedroom to the living area. Gibbs sat on the couch, a piece of pizza in his hand. Food was spread out on the coffee table; a small box of pizza with some toppings and half a sub sandwich still wrapped. There was a bottle of soda next to the sub and coffee next to the pizza box.

"Come on, Tony."

The impatient tone alerted him. Gibbs was looking at him, his expression darker than it had been. Not angry. But not what it had been. He swallowed an apology that almost worked its way through and sat down on the couch next to the older man, conscious of keeping a distance.

They ate in silence. Gibbs polished off two slices in short order. As Tony took his first tentative bite of the Turkey sub he realized he was somewhat hungry and took another then another, washing it all down with the cold soda. But halfway through he noticed Gibbs was staring at him. DiNozzo tried not to squirm as he tried to understand the expression on the older man's face. Then Gibbs smiled. It was small, reassuring, even--

Tony sighed as he put down his food and took one last sip of his soda. He was done. He felt better... physically. Now it was time to set Gibbs straight before things got too deep. As it was he didn't know if he was going to survive the reaction he knew he was going to get... once the other man knew...

"I don't know what happened... with Jeffrey I mean," Tony began quietly as he turned his head away and focused on his half-eaten sandwich.

"You were forced to drink something to maintain your cover," Gibbs said simply, casually. Statement of fact. "It happens, Tony. You know that... though not usually like this." Pause. "Do you want to tell me what you remember?"

Oh. That was easy and disturbing. Tony glanced up at Gibbs, somewhat surprised by the patient expression he saw there. Patient. Gentle. Not like Gibbs, except when the victim was young or suffering. Pity. But Tony needed to talk. Gibbs was willing to listen. And if that was all the contact he could ever get, it was enough.

DiNozzo got up. He had to move. Sitting still was suddenly not an option. "He--" Tony stopped in front of a small curio cabinet, one he kept some of the few thing he care about. Couple of trophies. Two medals he earned while he was a cop in Philadelphia... Baltimore... earned on his own. "Lane was testing me. Wanted me to take a swig of... whatever that was..." Tony swallowed as he remembered the foul liquid in his mouth, burning down his throat, leaving a terrible aftertaste. "He took a drink first so I thought... hoped... it was safe." A tired grin teased his lips. "I don't drink... much. Guess he was used to the stuff..."

"Lane was addicted to it, Tony," Gibbs' tone was forgiving. "Ducky said he had never seen the levels of GHB he found in Lane's system in a living, breathing person. That's one of the reasons he had your blood tested on site. He was afraid you might have had toxic levels. But he said it was metabolizing out of your system at a safe rate."

"I only took a little!" Tony said defensively as he turned, anger suddenly appearing and rising within him. "I didn't have a choice!"

Gibbs raised his hands in a calming her gesture. "Tony, I just said you didn't." He shrugged. "It happened to me... but not like you... like this..."

"What happened?" Tony winced as he heard the sharp tone in his own voice. His ability to control his emotions were eroding again. "Sor--"

"Don't!" Gibbs took a step closer. "Don't apologize! It's okay, Tony. I'm not your supervisor and you're not my subordinate here. I'm your friend... if you want me to be. Okay?"

There it was again... that hint of pleading. Puzzled Tony took a deep breath then another, forcing calm over his raging thoughts. "What happened?" he tried again as he worked to collect himself.

Gibbs shrugged again, dismissively. "When I first started with NCIS I was undercover. There was cocaine trafficking and we needed to find the highest terd in the food chain. I was suppose to be a low life middle man and the supplier thought I might be a fake." His face twisted into disgust. "Had to take some... had to trust them not to do anything to me while I was under. I don't remember everything but apparently I passed some test. We got the bad guy."

Tony stared at Gibbs, shocked. When Ari shot Gibbs the older man refused pain medications until Ducky had a 'talk' with him. It was hard to imagine his boss taking something mind-altering much less illegal. But when undercover all kinds of shit happened... all kinds...

"Tony."

DiNozzo shook himself, pushing the whispers back, past and present. He felt better and in better control. Gibbs' revelation helped... a little. "Can't imagine you high, boss," he said in a teasing tone.

Gibbs gave him a rye smile. "Neither can I. I spent days with nasal spray trying to get that feeling out." He cocked his head. "But nothing happened, Tony. Something happened to you. I just want to be sure you're all right and I want to listen, if you'll tell me. Nothing you tell me will go beyond us... except perhaps to Ducky... and only enough to be sure you're all right."

Set up. Rage flowed through Tony before he really had a chance to hold back. Set up. "So that's what," he spread his hands apart, "this is all about? Showing me the softer side of Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs so I'll spill my guts then you get to report back to the old man about--"

"Tony."

"Fuck you!" He slammed his hand into the curio cabinet, cursing as his trophies toppled, feeling only a little relief as nothing broke. "You want to know what happened? Fine!" Darkness enveloped him as he let the scant memories come. "I knew minutes after I drank that battery acid that it was the wrong thing to do. But I couldn't do anything about it!" He glared at Gibbs who seemed to have gained the good sense to take a step back and watch. "Then... Jeffrey... touched me." His eyes began to burn but he didn't care any more. He would have his tirade then throw Gibbs out so his soon-to-be former supervisor could finish his mission and get back to the Medical Examiner. "He sucked me off. But I didn't think it was him!" He met the older man's gaze. "I thought it was you!" He turned away, unwilling to have the older man witness the final melt down. "I came in his mouth because I thought it was you... because I thought--"

"It's okay..."

"It's not okay!" Tony's hands were tight fists as he fought not to strike out. "It's not fucking okay! I never meant for you to know anything! Just my little fantasy! My little warped dream! Because I know that even if you vaguely felt the same way it would never work! Not once you knew--"

His words came to an abrupt halt as years of training warned him of the line he was crossing; the one between pretending it never happened and revealing everything. "Get out, Gibbs," he ordered then drew a deep breath to force calm into his mind. It wasn't Gibbs fault. It wasn't anyone's fault... now. "Tell Dr. Mallard I'm fine. Like I said to him... been there... done that... got the t-shirt... burned it..." He saw a knowing glint flash in Gibbs' eyes. //Shit.// "Just go," he demanded again.

"This happened to you before?" Gibbs tone was stunned.

//Double shit.// Tony shook from the inside. His inner self began to slowly fragment. There was no escape. Gibbs wouldn't allow it. "Not like this, boss. It was a long time ago." Memory taunted him. There were all the warning signs... the night had started out too calmly. He had gotten the drink wrong... forgotten to remind him to pick up his favorite scotch on the way home. He had been forgiven... the first bad sign...

"How old were you?"

Tony turned away as he closed his eyes. No escape. All would be revealed. //Probably better this way... he'll go feeling he had done me some good... listening... and I can go on. He'll give me a good referral... I hope...// "Eleven."


He didn't know... didn't understand the first time. The abuse had been always. He accepted he was at fault somehow. Not fast enough... smart enough... failing time and again. But that night had been different... deeper.... lasting...


"Your parents?" Gibbs asked shortly, carefully.

Torture. The few in his life who discovered or to whom he chose to tell would do this as if getting the information in pieces would make the telling easier. Tony heard his bedroom door open. No smell... just... him... "My father." Never 'Dad' or 'Pop'... just Father...

"He beat you?" Gibbs asked, his voice closer... direct.

"Sometimes... until I laid him out when I was fifteen... just after my last growing spurt." His eyes opened and locked on the fallen objects in his cabinet. "That's when he stopped."

"Stopped?" Gibbs pressed gently. "You mean hitting you?"

"No." The room was freezing cold. Tony wrapped his arms around himself, knowing it would be over in a moment. Then he could go on... alone. "No."

"Did he... hurt you?"

Laughter escaped DiNozzo's lips before he could stop it. Euphemisms... had to love them. "Hurt?" Trembling. He never trembled before... why was this one harder than the rest? They hadn't even slept together. Until now it had been harder after he slept with them. "No, boss," he managed finally. "He didn't "hurt" me... he raped me. Hurt was what he did when he beat the shit out of me before he raped me." He screwed his eyes shut. This was painful... more painful than he expected. But he knew he needed to finish. "Though most of the time he just beat me and called me scum. That's when he was drunk... when he couldn't get it up. Rape only happened when he was sober." Deep breath. "Used to keep a bottle his favorite whiskey under my bed. Sometimes it worked."

Gibbs presence drew closer. "Where was your mother?" the older man demanded, anger lacing his tone.

"My mother never saw a thing," he said plainly. Common question. Simple answer. Oddly that calmed him. "Not something she could cope with, you know? In fact when I finally beat the shit out of my father the two of them acted like I'd just grown horns and gone insane. I was enrolled in Rhode Island Military Academy where I kept less than stellar grades but had the time of my life."

Silence. Expected. Tony waited, shivering. Next would be the words of sympathy. The obvious questions. How had he survived it? Had he ever had counseling? They could help... with that. Caring. Concern. What a stranger would do for a dog. They didn't understand. They never understood. Gibbs wouldn't understand.

"Fucking rat bastard."

Unexpected. Tony's vision blurred with moisture as the words struck a fatal blow to his heart. Jethro Leroy Gibbs stood at near attention in front of him, his hands curled into fists as if forced to remain at his side, his expression clearly showing poorly concealed rage. Tony took a step back, flinching as his shoulder bumped the glass cabinet. Sometimes his father would have that look, just before...

Instantly Gibbs' expression softened, his body posture relaxed. "God! I'm not going to hurt you, Tony! I'd never hurt you! I love you."

Love. The sharp shift of perception almost made him faint. No one, after hearing, ever said those words. Suspicious he glared at the older man. "How can you love me?" I'm damaged... soiled...

Gibbs' lips turned up. His blue eyes sparked with obvious desire as they traveled over Tony. "How can I not?" He held out his hand. "It's okay, Tony."

Okay. DiNozzo stared at the hand, uncertain. His instinct was to leave... to make Gibbs leave. His soul-deep gut told him to reach out. "I'm bad news, boss," he warned. "Too much baggage."

Jethro Gibbs stepped closer, still holding out his hand. "We all have something we carry around inside, Tony. I've been married three times and I've had other... relationships. None of them worked out for reasons I'm willing to share with you if you want to know... just like you've shared with me." He gestured with his out-stretched fingers. "Come on, Tony. Trust me."

Tony swallowed the lump in his throat. That odd pleading was back in Gibbs'... Jethro's... voice. Choice. Gibbs wanted him. For real. But it was his choice. Decision. Tony reached out and gripped Jethro's hand. "I'm sorr--"


Before he could finish he was pulled against Jethro in a steel-hard embrace. "Don't ever," the older man hissed in his ear, his voice suspiciously unsteady; "ever apologize for this! Understand?"

In reaction DiNozzo allowed the sob to escape him, the tears to fall freely. He wrapped himself around Gibbs, expressing his need for contact. Part of him was still appalled by his lack of control, his breakdown. But his soul took what was offered... the warmth and comfort. He wanted to trust... to know he could really let go... but this was good for the moment... so good...

"I'm here, Tony. I'm not going anywhere." Strong arms rocked Tony. Strong hands soothed over Tony's back and threaded through the back of his hair, supporting.

Tony believed him. He let the tears come until they ebbed. Then he simply held on, sniffling, tired. After a long time Gibbs moved, pushing Tony back, his own blue eyes bloodshot. His shirt was soaked where Tony had laid his head. "I'm-"

Gibbs' hand covered Tony's mouth. "We're going to talk," he ordered quietly. His fingers brushed over Tony's cheek, wiping away the stray tears then took DiNozzo's hand. "Come on."

Tony allowed Jethro to guide him to the couch and sat down. Gibbs sat next to him, close but not crowding. Jethro smiled at him and handed him a napkin. Tony managed a smile of his own and wiped his face. He picked up bottle of soda and took a couple of swallows. He felt oddly cleansed. He opened the half eaten turkey sub and picked up a slice of meat. He was hungry... a little...

Gibbs was silent as he also took some of his beer and a bite of now cold pizza. His eyes wandered over Tony but his expression was patient... waiting...

Talk. Uncharted territory. No one wanted to talk... afterwards. They made sympathetic noises, remained long enough to assuage their own guilt then they were gone. One or two called later or the next day. Then... nothing...

Gibbs was beside him, waiting. Tony sighed as he tried to gather his thoughts. "I... um... when I went to the academy it was like being cut free. I got into a lot of trouble... couldn't quite fit into the military mind set." He grinned as Gibbs snorted. "But I had this great guidance counselor. She taught me how to trust... sometimes. Proved it to me when she kept her promise not to tell when I told her about my wonderful, upper middle class upbringing on Long Island. Because even back then, the reporting of child abuse was mandatory too."

Gibbs' brow wrinkled. "Your parents was never prosecuted?" Tony shook his head as he glanced away. "Why didn't you want your father to pay for what he did?"

Tony shrugged, his gaze fixed on what remained of their food on the coffee table. "Because while I was tossing my father on the floor and kicking his balls I decided I wasn't going to let them take away the one thing I had left... my own life. If my parents were charged then it would have been in the papers... on the news. My father is not a sought out public figure but he's high enough on the food chain that something like this could have made for some pretty titillating stories that would have brought big ratings on one of the New York stations or even CNN."

Tony shrugged. "As I stopped just short of sending my dear father to the hospital, I realized if the police got involved I'd never be free of them. So as soon as I could I cut the strings, got a scholarship and took up Physical Education in college. Then I sent a letter to my wonderful parents letting them know that dad's plan to keep me straight had backfired terribly and that if they ever tried to contact me in anyway I'd write a book and sell it to the highest bitter because I had pictures and proof." His cheeks tingled with some embarrassment. "Of course I don't... but he doesn't know that."

Silence blanketed the room. Gibbs frowned. "What?" Tony asked, suddenly worried. Was the older man having second--

"Tony." Gibbs laid a hand on DiNozzo's thigh, his gaze becoming intent. "You don't know?"

"Know what?" Something stirred in his gut. "Gi-- Jethro?"

Gibbs licked his lips, his grip on DiNozzo tightened gently. "Tony, during the background check we did on you I had to contact your parents. Your mother said she hadn't seen you in several years but knew you to be a good man." Gibbs hesitated then added; "Your father had passed away the year before... heart attack. I assumed then there were issues with your family but it wasn't part of why I wanted you so I didn't want to violate your privacy and left it alone. I thought, even with distance, you knew... about your father."

"No." Dead. Reality shifted in a disturbing fashion. Tony closed his eyes as his perceptions dissolved, changed and realigned. "I didn't know." His father was dead. The shadow lifted away, leaving an odd void...

Gibbs' arms were around him again, pulling. Tony let himself snuggle into the warmth, for the first time inhaling the scent of the older man. He shivered as he felt Jethro's lips on his head, kissing. Tony raised his head up as he sensed Gibbs' lips descending again, smiling as those lips awkwardly landed on his nose then withdrew.

"No... Jethro... don't." He gripped the back of Gibbs' head, forcing him back down. "Kiss me... please..."

Gibbs' hesitated a moment then breath escaped him as he quickly rearranged his arms around Tony and his lips descended. The kiss was nearly everything he wanted... needed... almost...

"Jethro." A thread of angst filtered through Tony as Gibbs immediately drew back as if burned. "No."

"I don't want to hurt you," Gibbs said firmly, his tone strained. His fingers combed through Tony's hair.

Tony sat up and faced the older man, some irritation wandering through him. Even anger. "Don't do that!"

"Do what?" Jethro seemed completely baffled and concerned. "Tony-"

DiNozzo grabbed Gibbs' shirtfront and pulled him forward so their faces were only an inch apart. "What do you want?"

Confusion dominated Jethro's face. "Want?"

Tony almost let go, almost decided that even Leroy Jethro Gibbs could fail a test. But then he decided this man was important enough to get a second chance. "I'm not broken, Gibbs! Lots of shit happened to me but I'm not broken! What do you want?"

It took a long moment but understanding lit Jethro's eyes... understanding... and desire. "I want to make love to you," he said with gentle passion.

He understands... Tony leaned forward and kissed his lover. "Then make love to me, Jethro," he commanded as his lips moved to Gibbs' neck. "Just don't treat me like I'm broken... like the others." His body began to tingle as Jethro's hands moved with more intimacy over his shoulders and down his back, as the older man's strength began to show his need to dominate. "It's okay to fuck me, Jethro," he said breathlessly. "It's okay to control this... I want that... from you."

Gibbs didn't speak but his body did for him. Tony found himself on his back with Gibbs straddling his hips, unmistakable passion aflame in his eyes. "Ducky wanted to look you over before I--" His hands rubbed over Tony's shirt. The hardness of his cock pressed against Tony's arousal through the pants they wore. "I want you everyway I can have you... anyway you'll let me... but--"

"I'm okay." Wayward emotions flooded through Tony again, challenging his patience, his doubts and fears. But he ruthlessly kept himself above the temptation to explode. Instead his hips pressed up against Gibbs, demanding stimulation as a way to channel the tension. "Promise I'm okay. He didn't... hurt me. Swear." Lust flashed through him. "Make love to me, Jethro," he demanded. "Make the shadows stay away..."

Gibbs leaned forward and captured Tony's mouth in his. DiNozzo sobbed... once... then returned the passion without thought... ignoring, for the moment, the whispers that lurked in the shadows...

END (for the moment... don't know what I'm going to do with this...)