Chapter Six
Tony looked nervously around the office, noting the tasteful décor. It was almost soothing. An older man sat in a chair across from him, Dr. Howard Stern, the psychiatrist that Gibbs had made him see.
Smiling brightly, Tony said, "Howard Stern, huh? This your day job?"
The doctor laughed. "My practice got a lot more interesting after that guy went on the air."
"He's sort of in the same line of work as you," Tony commented. "I mean, he's a 'shock jock' and in order to shock people you have to know something about what makes people tick."
Stern nodded thoughtfully. "I hadn't considered that before, but you're right."
Indicating Tony's twitching leg, he asked, "Are you okay, Special Agent DiNozzo?"
Tony put his hand on his knee to stop his leg from jumping. "Please, if I'm going to spill my guts out, you can at least call me Tony. Mind if I call you Howard?"
"Whatever you feel comfortable with, Tony."
There was an awkward pause, then Tony spoke, "I don't know where to start." He looked frustrated.
"How are you feeling, now that you're out of the hospital?"
Tony thought for a moment. "I'm antsy, I can't seem to sit still. I've always been a little hyper, drives Gibbs crazy, but now," he paused, "now, I can't sit still for more than a minute. It's taking every bit of willpower I have not to get up and start pacing."
"You can get up and walk around if you'd like, Tony," Dr. Stern said. "It might help you gather your thoughts."
Tony got up and immediately started pacing around the room.
"I want to forget about what happened, just put it behind me, but my usual coping mechanisms aren't working."
"What are those?"
Tony laughed. "Eating junk food, watching old movies, just totally tuning out the world."
"But your mind won't let you push the events of the past few weeks behind you."
"No," Tony nodded, "my brain won't shut up. I can be sitting there, watching TV, and suddenly an image of that cellar will come up in my head, out of nowhere."
"Maybe your brain is trying to tell you something. Some people can block out unpleasant memories. Others can't let go. You seem to be a person who won't sit by idly and write the incident off."
"Incident?" Tony's laugh was humorless. "That's a nice way of putting it. You're wrong, Howard, I ignore things all the time."
"Ignoring and forgetting are two different things, Tony. I bet you carry a lot of past hurts, deep inside, and while you think you've gotten over them, their memory affects the way you behave." Tony stopped pacing and looked at the other man in surprise.
"You think so?" he asked.
"Yes, I believe so. I also believe if you don't work through what happened, you'll bury it so deep that the anger and fear you felt will explode some time in the future. Perhaps in an inappropriate or dangerous way."
"You think I'm a ticking time bomb?"
"You could become one. No one wants to see that happen, Tony."
Tony stood still for a moment, contemplating what the doctor had said.
"I've never felt so scared in my life," he said softly. "I've never been so helpless." The doctor waited for him to continue. "I've been in tough spots before, but I've always been able to do something to work toward getting out of the situation. This time, there wasn't any way I'd be able to free myself, to fight back. All I could do was take what they dished out and hope Gibbs was coming for me."
"Gibbs?"
"My boss, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Ex-Marine, tough as nails, a hard boss, but a fair one. He's got that 'leave no man behind' mentality, I knew he'd be looking for me."
"You knew he'd come for you, not the team that was backing you up?"
Tony shook his head. "I figured if my cover was blown and I was dragged to who-knows-where, the team that was backing me up wasn't exactly the brightest bunch."
Tony sat down and stared at his hands for a moment. "I don't know how long I was down in that cellar, I couldn't tell if it was dark outside, or light. I figured a few days had to have gone by, though. I was so thirsty, and hungry." He paused again, gathering his thoughts.
"There was so much pain," Tony's voice was barely above a whisper. "They just kept whaling on me. They didn't...you know... until after a lot of time had gone by. At least, I don't think so."
"What did they do to you, Tony?" Dr. Stern's voice was soft, encouraging. Tony looked at him for a moment, but continued as if the doctor hadn't said anything.
"I just waited. I knew Gibbs would come, Gibbs always comes."
Stern decided to follow that line of thought. "You respect Gibbs. Trust him."
"With my life," confirmed Tony. "He's one of the most honorable men I've ever met. He's loyal, he looks out for his people. He's a tough boss, and sometimes he can be a real bastard, but he makes you want to do your best for him. When he tells you you've done a good job, you know he means it, and he's proud of you. Gibbs doesn't pass out praise lightly."
"So you look to him as a mentor or a teacher, a father-figure maybe?"
Tony snorted derisively. "I don't know what a father-figure should be, or at least a good one."
"You aren't close to your own father?"
"Yeah," Tony laughed, "you could say that. My father wasn't exactly thrilled with me as a son. He wasn't for as long as I can remember. I don't know if he was ever proud of me, even as a little kid."
"But Gibbs is proud of you, as one of his agents?"
Tony looked up, thoughtfully. "Yeah, I think he is. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be on his team for so long. I wouldn't be his senior field agent."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Is that a standard line they teach you in shrink school, Howard?"
Dr. Stern smiled. "Yes, it's in the required reading in Psych 101."
Tony chuckled. "Funny man." He paused again. "It makes me feel proud, makes me want to do better, just to get his approval. It makes me feel good about myself."
Dr. Stern nodded. "I've met Agent Gibbs. I believe you're right, he strikes me as a no-nonsense sort of man, one who doesn't suffer fools lightly. He has an excellent record. If he's proud of you, then you have reason to feel pleased with yourself as well."
Tony nodded. "Yeah, he doesn't put up with incompetence, that's for sure."
Tony was silent for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. Doctor Stern waited patiently, allowing his patient to collect himself.
After awhile, Tony started to talk again. "I started to doubt, though. Started thinking that maybe the Feebs hadn't gotten him involved soon enough, that the trail was too cold for even Gibbs to follow. After they... did it, the first time, I just wanted to die. It was like they ripped my soul right out of my body. I felt empty, and hopeless." Tears had started trickling down his cheeks, but Tony didn't seem to notice them, lost in his memories.
"Then Alexandra came down, she stopped them. She had those two huge guys backed up and almost cowering." He chuckled at the memory. "She cleaned me up, tried to make me comfortable, fed me..." his voice trailed off.
"What happened next, Tony?"
"I asked her to call Gibbs. Call Gibbs or tell her brothers to kill me, quickly."
"Because you wanted to die," confirmed the doctor.
"Yes. And I didn't want them to..." Tony took a deep breath and swallowed. "I didn't want them to... rape me... again."
"Did she help you?"
Tony nodded. "She called Gibbs. I know she was torn, she didn't want to turn her brothers in, but I could tell she was upset at what was happening. I'll never know why she finally decided to make the call."
"You haven't spoken to her at all?"
Tony shook his head. "She's dead. Her brother killed her, to save her from going to prison."
Stern sighed. "I'm sorry, Tony."
"Yeah, so am I."
After a moment of silence, Stern spoke softly. "It was hard for you to actually say what happened to you, wasn't it? Why?"
Tony shrugged.
"You feel ashamed." It was a statement, not a question.
Drawing a deep breath, Tony nodded. "I know it's wrong. I know that rape is a crime of power, not sex. I know all that, I just ..." he fell silent.
"You feel humiliated, that you should have been able to do something to stop them. You feel, dirty, maybe?" This was a question.
Tony nodded.
"Tony, you were a cop before you joined NCIS. Did you ever come in contact with rape victims?"
"Yes," Tony whispered.
"Did you feel they'd done something to deserve what happened, or that they hadn't fought enough to prevent or stop it?"
Tony's head snapped up, "No!"
Nodding, Stern continued, "From what I've seen, what I've read in your records, what your boss and teammates have told me, you seem like a very compassionate man.. You hide that behind the bluster and chauvinism, but underneath it all, there's a man who cares deeply, feels things intensely. I imagine you treated the victims you met with the utmost sensitivity."
"I tried."
"Why can't you show yourself the same sensitivity, Tony? Why don't you deserve the compassion and comfort that you'd give other victims?"
Stern barely heard Tony respond "I don't know."
"Do your teammates treat you differently?"
Tony shook his head, "They're good. I was afraid they'd pity me, or go overboard and treat me with kid gloves." He looked up at the doctor briefly, then looked down again and continued. "At the same time, I kind of didn't want them to act like nothing had happened, that things were just the same as always. Because they aren't. Things are different. I'm different." He paused again. "Yeah, they're good, just the right amount of caring and treating me normally."
The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Tony lost deep in his thoughts, Stern watching the emotions play across the young man's face.
Finally, Dr. Stern broke the silence. "Tony," he said gently, "you've been through a terrible ordeal, one that would make anyone crack. You've done an admirable job of holding it all together. I'd like to see you again, maybe once a week for awhile."
Tony looked up, his eyes red. "You think you can fix me, Howard?"
"I don't think you're broken, Tony. I think you need help moving on, putting this experience behind you. It's not going to be easy, and it's never going to be something you'll forget, but you can go on. From what your boss said, what you've said, you'll have all the support you want from your team. They care about you, deeply. I could see that your boss was concerned about you, he seemed very sincere about wanting to help you take back control of your life."
Tony smiled. "They're my family," he said softly.
"I can see that. You're lucky to have them."
Tony nodded.
"Our time's up," Doctor Stern said, reluctantly. "Elizabeth will schedule your next appointment. We've made a good start, Tony, really."
Tony shook the doctor's hand solemnly. "Thank you, Doctor." He seemed reserved, but calmer than when they had started the session.
Walking out of the building, Tony wasn't surprised to see Gibbs waiting for him. They walked to the car in silence. Tony buckled himself in, then held on for dear life as Gibbs tore out of the parking lot.
Yeah, things were going to work out, eventually.
The End
Chapter End Notes:
Disclaimer I don't own the characters in this story, except for the original ones. I'm not making any money from this, no copyright infringement is intended.
Huge thanks to my beta, Rinne, for correcting my errant punctuation. She's a peach.
Huge thanks to my beta, Rinne, for correcting my errant punctuation. She's a peach.