Chapter 11.
Starting a new life.
It took five days to be sure that there was no more bleeding resulting from the head trauma and two more days to complete all the neurological tests.
After five more days in bed, Gibbs was declared fit enough to go home. Tony, who had spent most of his time at the hospital, was more than relieved to hear the doctors say that he would be allowed to bring him home the next day.
Tony suspected Gibbs to have been a nasty boy with all his nurses, except Cassie, until they decide to send him home.
Tony went to the hospital early. They agreed they both would stay at Gibbs'home until the older man had recovered enough to stay alone. He knocked at Gibbs' door and entered as he heard his lover's invitation.
-Are you ready to go home?
-More than ever.
Gibbs wasn't dressed already and Tony guessed that the nurses hadn't come to help him yet.
-Maybe I could help you dress up then I will take you home where your bed is waiting for you.
-My clothes are on the table behind you.
Gibbs sat slowly on the edge of the bed. His movements were cautious and Tony could see that every breath hurt.
-I have always dreamed of saying this: Strip down, Marine!
-Don't make me laugh, it hurts, Tony.
-Sorry, Boss.
Gibbs stood slowly and approached Tony placing a gentle kiss on his lips. Tony savoured the moment and did not want to break the contact. They hadn't had time together in the last five days even if Tony had spent all his time with him. There was always a doctor, a nurse or some visitors to disturb them. That simple kiss was the most intimate touch they had shared since the attack.
Tony helped him get dressed. He was glad that Gibbs had accepted his help so easily as it had never been natural for him to show his weakness.
-Sit down here for a while while I collect your things.
-Thanks, Tony. I didn't remember that dressing up could be so exhausting.
-You must take it easy for a while. I will ask for a wheel chair to go to the car.
Tony was worried hearing no reply from Gibbs when he had talked about the wheel chair. The older man must be quite exhausted to accept it so easily.
Gibbs waited on the bed while Tony was dealing with the papers.
The older man was exhausted and the pain in his chest made each breath hell. He wished he could lie down on his own bed with a soft pillow, and a night without nightmares. They had haunted him the last five nights and he had awakened with sweat on his forehead and Tony at his side. The younger man man had spent all his nights looking after him.
-Are you ready?
He hadn't heard Tony and the nurse come back from the office with the wheel chair.
-Sure Tony. I was dreaming of my bed and a coffee.
-It's a dream easy to accomplish. Sit here, Gunny.
-You never called me Gunny before.
-It sounded too intimate but I liked it when Blair called you that.
He helped his lover sit in the chair and they headed to the place where Tony had parked the car. As they exited the elevator they realised that the way to the parking couldn't be taken by a wheel chair.
-What a pity! They couldn't build walkways to the parking garage.
-This building is older than me, Tony.
-Ok, do you think you can wait while I get the car?
-How far is it?
-I didn't find a place near the exit. I parked it in the next lot.
By the time Tony returned with the car Gibbs was exhausted just sitting there.
He had spent nearly two weeks in a bed and the last two days had been able to shuffle along dragging his IV stand to the coffee machine and back to his room. Now he wasn't sure he would be able to stand up for long if Tony didn't hurry. The younger man was now swearing as he dropped his keys in the gutter.
-Sorry Boss.
Gibbs could feel the sweat running down his temples. He had trouble focusing on Tony and closed his eyes feeling the dizziness growing.
-I got them, Boss.
Tony looked at his lover worried to read the pain in his eyes.
-Good, Tony.
Gibbs pushed himself up as the nurse and Tony reached for him, holding him still.
-Sorry, Jethro. What a guardian angel I make!
-The only one I want next to me.
-I should have been more careful. I'm stupid.
-I will be just fine Tony, just open that door so I can sit down for a moment.
Tony let him go to open the door. Gibbs closed his eyes concentrating on his breathing. Breath in, breath out, slowly as he had learnt from his past experiences. He hoped that Tony would be fast because he didn't know if he would be able to stay conscious for a long time.
He tried to turn to look if Tony had opened the door. Bad idea. The move made his world spin around. He tried to catch something to stabilize but he couldn't focus on anything. He knew he was about to faint and that Tony would feel guilty about it. He tried to hold on but his body refused to fight anymore. Gibbs was falling down when Tony looked up at him.
-Shit, Jethro. Look at me, Love. Open your eyes. Please look at me, tell me that you are fine.
Tony wasn't aware he was tearing up. He couldn't help feeling responsible for Gibbs' weakness. It wouldn't have happened if he had not been so stupid.
Gibbs heard Tony's plea. As he opened his eyes he saw the younger man bent over him face pale with concern. He realised that his head was resting on Tony's shoulder. He wasn't face up on the sidewalk after all.
-Tony!
-Hey, I'm sorry, Jethro. I was too slow.
-No need to apologize. I could have stayed up a little longer if I hadn't tried to look behind me. It was not the best move to try.
Gibbs reached for Tony's cheeks, wiping away the tears.
-I don't want you to cry especially not for me, Tony. I'll be fine. For now I don't really know where my head is but with a good night rest and a hot bath I will be good as new.
-Is that a proposition, Agent Gibbs?
-There is enough space in my bath tube for the two of us if it's what you want to know.
-I knew you couldn't resist my massage.
-I think it could be helpful.
-Agent DiNozzo, if you don't get Agent Gibbs in the car right now he will be back in bed right here.
Tony help him stand and then assisted him to settle down on the passenger's seat. He didn't like the pain he could see in Gibbs' eyes.
-Are you Ok?
Gibbs was trying to catch his breath. It wasn't late but he felt as if he had spent the day running a marathon. He felt old and sore but he couldn't let Tony see it.
-I will be fine Tony. I think I just had too much exercise for today.
As Tony entered the car, Gibbs opened his eyes. He seemed to be unable to keep his eyes open.
-Let's go home, Boss.
Tony turned his head to look at Gibbs. He was relieved to see a real smile on the older man's face for the first time in days. He couldn't resist that smile and kissed him.
-I love to see you smile. It makes your eyes shine.
-Only for you, Tony.
They kissed once more and Tony drove them back to Gibbs' house, their house for a while.
As they arrived, Tony realised that Gibbs was asleep. He parked the car and looked at his lover. He noticed the black smudges under his eyes, the bandage that circled his head, the blue marks on his cheekbone and he was able to picture every other wound.
-Is your exam finished?
He hadn't noticed that his lover was awake and observing him too.
-You don't know how much you scared me, Jethro. Promise me that you won't do anything so stupid again.
-I promise to listen to you the next time we plan a mission like that. You tried to tell me it wasn't a good idea but I didn't listen. You know I can't promise that nothing will ever happen to me as you can't promise me that too.
-You have a deal. We will learn together to trust each other and everything will be fine.
-How about going inside? How do we proceed?
-First I will bring your bags inside and prepare soft pillows on the couch for your arrival. Then I come back here and help you.
-Good plan, Agent Dinozzo! For now I'm comfortable enough. You can even take your time.
Tony smiled at him and headed to the house. Gibbs hadn't been totally honest with him. Even in a sitting position he was not that comfy. His ribs hurt and he was feeling a bit dizzy from the travel. For the second time today he was aching for a bed. Tony was back at the door of the car and looked worried by what he saw there. Gibbs was paler than ever.
-I'm just tired Tony. I think I can walk if you let me lean on you.
-I don't think that you would be able to walk. I'll carry you.
-There is no need, Tony.
-Ok, we'll give it a try but if you feel dizzy or in pain I want you to tell me. I don't want you pass out again or I take you back to the hospital.
-Sure Tony.
The younger man unfastened the seat belt and helped him out of the car. They walked slowly to the door. The sidewalk had never seemed this long to Gibbs. He began to feel light headed at mid-way and didn't even try to pretend to be able to go on. He couldn't play with Tony's feelings. He stopped walking, breathing hard.
-Dizzy?
-A little, I think I've gone as far as I could. I won't be against the idea of relying on you for the rest of the way.
-You learned faster than I thought you would.
Tony looked at his lover with worry eyes. He couldn't hide his concern even behind a huge smile. It was not a problem for him to carry Gibbs inside. The older man had lost a lot of weight lately.
Gibbs put his head on Tony's shoulder as the younger man lifted him in his arms. He felt that he could trust him and relied on him. Tony carried him to the couch and laid him on the soft pillows he had put there. Gibbs let a moan escape his lips as he felt the pillows under his head.
-I see that you appreciate the treatment, sir?
-You can't even begin to imagine, Tony. I've dreamt of that for the last five days. There is nothing like home.
-I'll let you rest here until lunch then I will bring you to bed with your happy pills.
-Thank you Doctor DiNozzo.
-Let me help you get rid of your shoes. Then I will fix you a real cup of coffee. I had bought the brew you like to drink.
-What a sweet thought, Tony.
Tony kissed him softly on the lips but the Gibbs seemed to want more and deepened the kiss letting his tongue play with Tony's. The younger agent broke the kiss for air.
-You seem to be in a good mood, Boss.
-I'm glad to be here and to be with you. Besides I wanted to thank you.
-I wouldn't wish to be anywhere else. You are the most important person for me. I need to be with you.
-I need you here too, Tony.
-So, let's make some coffee and then we will just stay here savouring the moment.
-I have a favor to ask you.
-What is it, Boss?
-I want to spend the rest of the afternoon in your arms. I couldn't ask for it at the hospital but I need it Tony.
-I would be happy to grant your wish. I need it too, Boss.
-Good. But first I need a real cup of coffee. The stuff they served at the hospital was awful.
Tony walked to the kitchen a huge smile plastered on his face. For the first time in days he was able to see that they would be right together.
As he returned to the living room he heard a slight knock on the front door of the house. He had been surprised not to see any members of the team at the hospital this morning but he knew that they couldn't wait to check on their friend.
-I bet Ducky or Brian. What about you, Boss?
-Maybe Abby.
Tony headed to the door and couldn't help laughing at the sight of the man standing at the door. Ducky smiled back at him.
-I won, Boss. Come in.
The ME entered the house searching for his friend.
-How are you, Jethro?
-Fine, Ducky.
-Don't lie, Boss. You are not so fine.
-What happened, Anthony?
-Nothing, Ducky. I was only tired, that's all.
-No, it was my fault Ducky. He almost passed out in the driveway of the hospital.
-Tony I don't want to hear that. I'm fine now.
Tony decided to change the subject of the conversation.
-Can I serve you coffee, Ducky?
-I will follow you my friend.
The two men walked to the kitchen. As they entered the room, Ducky put a hand on Tony's arm.
-What bothers you, Anthony? I can see that you are still worried about something.
-I'm afraid that they let him come home too soon. He is still weak, Ducky. He passed out because he couldn't stand up. I had to carry him inside.
-He has been badly hurt Tony. Only a few days ago we didn't know if he would survive without brain damage. I think that you ask for too much, too soon, young man. He will be fine Tony and I will be here to make that happen.
-I'm glad to have you as a friend, Ducky. You are a precious man.
-Did he hurt himself when he passed out?
-No I was able to catch him before he fell.
-I will check on him, just to be sure. Beside his bandages would need to be changed.
The two men returned to the living room where Gibbs had fallen asleep on the couch.
-I think you should carry him to his bedroom. He would rest better there.
-Sure, Ducky!
Tony approached the couch and placed a hand on Gibbs' forehead.
-He is feverish, Ducky.
Tony took him in his arms.
-Tony?
-I‘m taking you to bed, Jethro. You need to rest.
-You promised...
-I will join you later, Love.
The younger man laid him on his bed and turned to look at Ducky.
-Don't worry, Anthony. He will take two pills and sleep until tomorrow morning. What about your promise?
Tony smiled shyly at the older man.
-I promised him he would spend the afternoon in my arms. We didn't spend much time together lately.
-You need to spend time together, I understand.
Ducky handed Tony two pain killers and a glass of water.
-You give it to him and wake him up in four hours for him to take two more pills. If he still has fever you call me.
-Thanks, Ducky.
-It would be good for you to nap in Gibbs' arms. You need rest, my dear friend. Besides you made him a promise you have to keep.
-You are right, as always, Ducky.
The ME was still smiling as he exited the house of his friends.
It was late in the afternoon when Gibbs woke up. He could feel Tony's arms around him and was glad that the younger man had kept his promise. Even if he wanted to savor the moment he had an urgent need to go to the bathroom and he didn't know if he would be able to go there on his own so he had to wake Tony up.
-Tony!
The younger man opened one eye and glanced at him as if he didn't realise where he was or who was beside him.
-I need to go to the bathroom and I think I will need your help.
Tony woke up immediately as if the fact that Gibbs asked for his help was the only thing he needed to emerge.
-Sure, Boss. Let me help you.
It was less easy than he would have thought to walk to his bathroom. He was washing his hands when his head began to pound. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on keeping his balance but it was a fight he couldn't win. He had to call for help.
-Tony!
The younger man who was waiting outside the room entered and wrapped his arms around Gibbs' waist.
-Let's go back to bed.
As Gibbs was back in his bed, Tony placed his hand on his forehead and winced as he felt the warmth under his skin.
-You are still hot. I will bring you two more pills and something to eat.
-Thank you, Tony.
Gibbs didn't like to feel so weak but he couldn't do anything against that for now. His head still hurt, as his ribs, his back and the rest of his abused body. He hadn't heard Tony come back and when he opened his eyes he saw the young man staring at him a glass of water and a plate with a sandwich in his hands.
Gibbs took the water and the two pills Tony handed to him.
-Thanks. I'm not hungry for now. I'll give it a try later. I promise.
Tony was still silently looking at him.
-What?
-I was just thinking how much I love you.
-I know that, Tony.
Gibbs couldn't look Tony in the eyes. He was unable to say the words he knew Tony was waiting for.
He knew they had the right to be in love but he couldn't forget what his father had told him. He shouldn't be ashamed of what he felt for this man even if the world they were living in would probably never see them as a real couple, even if every religion on earth condemned their union. Something that can make you so damn happy could not be bad.
Why should they hide? Nobody wants to hide when in love.
Tony wondered why people couldn't allow two men to be in love. He had an occasion to see what effect it could have to announce that you were in love with another man. He could still hear his father telling him that he didn't need to have a gay son under his roof. He was unable to hear the sobs of his mother as he had definitely closed the door of the house where he had grown up. He had never seen them again. He had only been eighteen when he had driven to Boston. He had no regrets but sometimes like today he would have been glad to be able to share what he was living with his family.
-Are you okay, Tony?
-Sure, I was only thinking that I didn't want to hide, Jethro. I want everyone to know what I feel for you. I want them to know that I'm in love with a wonderful man.
-I don't know if everyone would feel happy for us, Tony. People are not ready to accept same sex relationship especially in jobs like ours.
-I know but we can say it to our friends.
-They are already aware of it, Tony.
-I know but I thought of a more official declaration.
-You want us to marry. You know we can't.
-I would have loved to marry you , Jethro but I thought that we could invite them here to diner one day and just... tell them.
-It's a good idea. We will do that as soon as I am able to stay up more than two minutes.
-Yes, sure.
Tony felt that Gibbs didn't really want to talk for now but he knew that if he didn't push him a bit they would never have this conversation about where they wanted to go together.
-What do you want to do tonight? I was thinking that we should go out to celebrate your return home.
-I knew that you didn't believe me when I told you I wasn't clubing anymore.
They both laughed at the thought of Gibbs in a night club. But the older man sobered fast and looked at his lover placing a hand on his cheek.
-I'm so sorry that I am not able to tell you how I feel but it seems that every time I try to say those simple words they stay caught in my throat. I wish I could be strong enough to tell you...
Tony could hear the sorrow on Gibbs' voice as if the older man grieved for his inability to say ‘I love you' to someone. And suddenly it hit him. Grieving was the right word to use.
-May I ask you one question?
-Sure, Tony.
-Who was the last person who heard you say those words?
-I... I don't remember!
Tony knew it was a lie but Gibbs had made it without even thinking about what he wa saying. It had been a defensive mechanism, a way to protect himself from painful memories.
-I think that you are lying to me, Boss. You remember well who it was but you don't want to think about it because it would be too hard to face the truth.
-If you are so sure you know the truth, you may be able to enlighten me as I seem to have lost my mind.
Tony didn't miss the irony in his lover's voice but he chose to forget about it and to continue this way. They had to clarify it before it compromised their relationship.
-I think that Danny was the last one to hear those words from you and that's why you are unable to say them again.
Gibbs shook his head, he didn't want to hear what he had tried to forget all those years especially coming from the one he loved so much.
-No, you don't understand...
-On the contrary, I think I understood pretty well what happened. He was dying in your arms and you knew it. You had to reassure him and you told him...
-He was so weak. I didn't want to loose him but he seemed to be so afraid. I had to help my little boy to go through this moment. I told him that he didn't need to be afraid, that our mother would wait for him on the other side. I was sure that he would be reassured to hear that she would be here for him as I couldn't follow him. Then I told him... and he was gone...
Tony approached Gibbs and hugged him as he began to cry. He had kept this memory for himself and never allowed himself to think about it. Now the walls that he had built around his heart, preventing him from being hurt were crashing down and Tony knew that it would take time for him to heal properly.
They stayed there a moment in a tight embrace until Gibbs broke the silence.
-I didn't lie, Tony. I didn't remember it until you began to tell me. It seemed that I had kept it hiden since that night.
-It was too painful for you to think about your brother and the precise moment he died in your arms. You associated the words with that moment and decided not to say them as if they had killed him.
-What would have I done without you?
-I could return the question to you. I think that we are the two parts of the same soul and it took us time to find out that we were meant to be together.
-You never cease to amaze me.
-And you have seen what I am able to do.
Tony had always made him laugh even he had never showed it before. The young man was the only one who could make him feel better.
-What about watching the hockey game on TV?
-I didn't know you were a hockey man, Boss.
-Let's say that I like watching games but, please, never ask me to go onto the ice.
-I didn't intend to, Boss. Even if I am sure that you would be cute.
-Don't laugh at me when I can't defend myself.
-You are right. It's quite unfair to take advantage of the situation. Let me help you lie down on the couch.
Tony was still laughing as he helped Gibbs sit. He had climbed upstairs to snatch a blanket when the door bell rang. Gibbs didn't feel like standing up to answer but he knew that Tony hadn't heard the bell.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs and Tony are trying to start their new life together
Chapter End Notes:
Special thanks to Atymer who beta read it for me. I'm still working on the last part.