Chapter two.
Darkness.
When he regained conciousness he realised he was in a bright white room. He blinked several times trying to focus on something but his mind seemed to be out of order. His first thought was hospital : colours, smell, coldness.
Then he heard voices... Ducky... Off course he was in Ducky's room... not quite reassuring.
He tried to sit but the pain in his head made him groan and lie back down. He heard footsteps coming closer.
-Here you are, Jethro. Stay still, you've bumped your head pretty hard on your desk when you passed out.
Okay so he had fallen head first on his desk but the reason still eluded him
-Can you tell me what happened?
-I... it's not really clear for now. The last thing I remember...
Gibbs tried to think about the last events of the day: the travel to Tony's home, Kate and Tony's babbling, his discussion with Ducky and ...What next?...
- I was on the phone with Brian. He told me that... shit!
At the thought of the call he had just gave his brother Gibbs sat trying to escape the sudden panic that threatened to overwhelm him once more.
How could he still be so affected by events that had occured years ago. He couldn't control his emotions at the thought of what had happened and what may happen to his brother if he was unable to protect him.
He was still too weak and he only managed to make two steps before landing on the cold floor of Ducky's lab. He hated when his body abandonned him like that but he realised that he had a head injury when the room start spinning around.
-Tony, come here and help me!
Tony must have been at the door because he was beside Gibbs before Ducky could even finish his sentence. Believe in the younger agent to always be where he was needed.
-What are you trying to do, Boss? You want to hurt yourself more than you already have?
Tony lifted him easily and helped him sitting on the table. Gibbs seemed to be oblivious to the two men in front of him. His mind was still focused on his brother. The only thing he wanted and needed to do now was find informations about Him and come back home.
-I must go to see if Brian is safe. You don't understand, I must protect him.
Gibbs knew that what he was just saying made no sense for his friends but he didn't have time to explain now.
Ducky was confused by his friend's obvious anxiety. But he had to keep him calm until he could be sure he had no concussion.
He was worried by his friend's attitude. He had never seen him so nervous before and he couldn't remember that Gibbs had once mentionned someone called Brian before today.
-You won't go anywhere like this. You must stay here for an hour at least and if you are less confused and don't feel dizzy, I would allow you to go home with Anthony!
-I can't stay here so long. I must go...
Gibbs tried once more to stand but Tony pushed him dowm, a hand placed on his shoulder.
-Boss, you scared me. You passed out in the middle of the office. You must tell us what's up. We can't help you if you keep everything secret.
Gibbs turned his head to face Tony. He couldn't allow him to come this close to him.
He couldn't afford telling him about his past. Keeping him away from the mess his life was, was the only way not to afraid him.
He had no intention to tell anything to any of them...not if he could avoid it.
-I don't need and don't want your help on this Agent Dinozzo. It' s none of your buisiness.
He saw in Tony's eyes that he had made his point. Tony was angry at him now but Gibbs didn't care. He prefered dealing with his younger agent's anger than having him run away from him, the team and his job because of what he would learn.
Tony's reply surprised him. He had often heard the man use sarcasms before but never with him.
-Sure, boss. Here you are! The Great Gibbs. You are too stubborn. Ducky, I let you with him, I've already seen this movie.
Angry was not the right word to describe what Tony felt when he left the lab. He was hurt that Gibbs didn't trust him enough to let him help when he needed. He didn't see the point in pushing away everyone who came close.
Besides he hadn't the slightest idea who this Brian could be. He didn't know why it bothered him so much that there could be someone in Gibbs' life that he didn't know. But the point was that he didn't like when Gibbs kept him away from something that was obviously an important part of his life.
Gibbs was now alone with Ducky but he was far away from this lab, alone in his head. He had looked Tony run out of the room and he knew that the man was upset but he couldn't explain him why he didn't accept his help even if he had needed it more than ever.
-Jethro, may I ask you only one question? I know you don't want to talk about anything linked to your past but...
-Brian is my brother. He is eight years younger. He is a teacher on the campus. Anything else?
-I didn't know you had a brother.
-There was no need for you or anyone else to know it. Now if you are satisfied I feel fine and I have some important things to do...
-There's no need to be hurtful, Jethro. You can't blame me for being concerned for a friend who obviously is not as fine as he claims.
Gibbs sighed heavily knowing well that Ducky was right. He had always been there fr hm without ever judging him or questionning his choices.
-Sorry, Ducky. I didn't mean it and I'm happy you were here but I must go.
-I can't tie you on a chair so you are free to go.
Gibbs stood up trying not to sway. He knew that Ducky what looking for any sign to ground him for the next hours and he couldn't afford it. He was a little shaky and drums were playing at the back of his skull but it wasn't enough to stop him.
He turned slowly at the door to face Ducky trying not to fall down in the same time.
-Look, I'm fine!
He tried to sound convinced but he wasn't a good actor especially today. Ducky knew that it was a lie but Gibbs had obviously some more urgent problems than his own health. Things never changed.
-Sure, my friend. I will let you go back to whatever you find more important than your health but you must promise me two things. First if you feel nauseous you call me imediately. Then, if you don't want Tony to drive you back home, call a cab. You are not up to drive. If it only depended on me, you would lay on a bed for the rest of the day...
-I can promise that but I am not going home for now. There's something I have to check before and don't give me that look. You won't make me change my mind on that.
-Someone has to take care of you Jethro because you don't know your own limits. One day you would go too far and nobody would be able to help you.
-Thanks for your concern but noone had taken care of me since I'm eight. And I think I managed pretty well so far.
-Don't forget you have friends who can help.
-I know.
Gibbs walked through the automatic doors. He knew he had upset a friend, two friends, but he couldn't tell them the truth. His past was a mess, his childhood a nightmare and it was not something you could share even with people you considered as your real family.
The thing he feared the most if he had told them his story would have been to see the pity in their eyes. He had so often seen it before but today he wasn't that "poor little boy" anymore and he didn't want to be him for noone. It had taken him years to build his image.
He had worked hard to become the man he was against everyone and everything : his father, his lawyer, his instructor, his wives and he was ready to fight to keep it whatever it may cost. He hadn't allowed anyone to go through the walls he had erected around him.
He went back to his desk trying not to notice the look of his collegues. They had never seen him ill or down and today he had passed out in the middle of his office.
Gibbs didn't care for what they might think, the only one whose opinion meant something to him was at his desk working.
He was glad that Tony had decided not to look up at him. He could deal with indifference if it meant no more questions. He could only hope that Brian had been wrong and that everything would come back to normal soon.
He sat at his desk connecting his computer to the New York Police Department files. "Jethro Anderson". Even seeing his name written on his screen made him shiver. He looked blankly at the file before him for what seemed hours... How could it possible?
After leaving Ducky's lab Tony had returned to his desk to find that Kate had left for lunch. He wondered sometimes if she really cared. He couldn't have left the building knowingthat Gibbs was probably hurt.
He had wished to find her here. He needed someone to yell at and most of the time, Kate was his favourite partner for "argument-party". They were good at that. He stayed there for a moment, waiting. Finally he decided he would be better for him if Gibbs found him working instead of dreaming.
He knew that Gibbs wouldn't go home. He had heard a small part of his argument with Ducky. What afraid him the most was the fact that even Ducky hadn't been able to make him talk. He had hoped that the older man would manage to make him speak. Gibbs had always been at ease with the ME.
As he had guessed Gibbs was not going home soon. He tried to look busy when his boss entered the office. He walked to his desk oblivion to the concerned or curious faces of the ones who had witnessed what everyone already called ‘the incident".
The message was clear on his face: "I'm fine. The first one who say something, I'll kick his ass to Alaska and back".
But Tony was no fool, for the first time in two years he had seen a failure in this strong face. He had seen the fear in those blue eyes and now that he looked at him sat behind his computer, he could still feel it. What could scare a man like Gibbs? What can make him pass out?
Whatever it was, he couldn't let him deal with it alone. He was determined to help him even if he had to do it against himself.
The main question was how. How can you help someone without knowing anything about him? Gibbs was a mystery for him, hell the man was a mystery for almost everyone. Noone could really say that they know him not even Ducky!
He had to find this Brian. His guts told him this man was the link he missed to understand the whole story. He knew that trying to help Gibbs when he didn't want to could mean the end of his carreer but it did worth the risk.
Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't realised that Gibbs was way too still for too long. When he looked more closely to him he realised that he was not reading daily reports; his face was pale, his jaw tensed. He stood up and approached his boss' desk.
-Boss? I should drive you home. You look like someone who could use some rest.
His concern grew when he obtained no response from him. He put a hand on the older man's shoulder and could feel him shiver.
Looking at the screen before him, Tony was surprised to see that Gibbs was reading a police report from New York. He felt too worry to read it for now and he decided that the day had been already too long for Gibbs. Willingly or not he was about to drive him home where he could lie down and rest.
-Boss, grab your jacket. I'm driving you home!
Tony had used his bossy tone but he was about to bring him directly to Ducky when Gibbs stood up and followed him without even a reply.
It was not a good sign, Gibbs would never have allowed Tony to order him anything if he had been himself.
He lead him to the parking lot where Gibbs had parked his car only hours before. He didn't looked at the man before him but he realised that Gibbs was walking slower than usual.
As he sat in the passenger's sit of his own car, Gibbs seemed to be elsewhere far away from Washington. Tony was almost startled when he heard Gibbs' voice near him.
-Thanks, Tony but you shouldn't drive with your injured knee. I could have called a cab.
-Don't worry it doesn't hurt so much.
There wasn't a lot of traffic this early so they arrived at Gibbs' house pretty soon. The travel to Gibbs' home was made in silence and Tony believed for a moment that his boss had falln asleep.
-Here we are, you can unfastened your seat-belt. I hope you enjoyed your flight on Dinozzo's Airlines.
A slight smile appeared on Gibbs' face and even if it vanished quickly Tony was glad to see that he was still able to make him smile. It had became a kind of challenge for him. He had realised that he was able to create almost every kind of feelings in gibbs ...mostly anger but some times the older man offered one his smiles.
He had made it a duty to make Gibbs smile once a week at least.
-You can keep the car until tomorrow. Just don't forget to come and get me on your way.
-You're sure everything is fine? You seem preoccupied.
-I'm...
-Fine? Yes, I know. Now if you could just be honest for once.
Gibbs looked at his agent. He knew that Tony could read him easily and he hadn't the strength to make a lie sound true so he opted for a part truth.
-Let's just say that the past has his own way to remind you of the best moments of your life.
-You had never spoken of your life before you joined the Marines.
-That's because there's nothing to talk about. My life really began there. Sometimes what happened before seemed like a dream or a nightmare in so many ways. The Marines had became my only family... except Brian.
Him again, Tony couldn't keep quiet and the question was asked before he even realised it.
-Who is he?
-Brian is my younger brother.
It had been easy for him to talk about Brian. He ahd always been proud of his younger brother.
-I always imagined you as an only child. Why didn't you introduce him yet? You are afraid he could tell me what kind of kid you were?
-No... Well maybe. In some way he is part of the memories I refuse to talk about...
Tony didn't missed the sad tone in Gibbs' voice. He had never been so close to someone who knew Gibbs but something in his boss' attitude toild him that he shouldn't push him too far in that direction. It was up to him to take the next step.
He waited for what seemed long minutes before gibbs decided to speak again and invite him inside.
-You are right. It's perhaps high time for you to meet him. If you want to come in...?
Tony could hear a slight tremble in Gibbs'voice as if he was unsure that Tony would accept.
-Sure, Boss. I would be glad to meet someone who knew you when you were not... well... less...
-Younger, less crumpy?
-Well, yes!
Gibbs was not sure it was really a good idea but he needed to keep Tony with him even a few minutes more. He had a very bad news to tell his brother. Besides he needed to have a friend by his side especially today.
They both walked to the door and entered the house. Brian had locked the door and it was the first time Tony saw Gibbs use his keys. They found a younger Gibbs sat on the couch working on his laptop.
He hadn't heard them enter so Tony had time to look at him. It was the first time he met a member of Gibbs' family and he was astonished to see how the brothers were alike. Same concentration, same bright blue eyes while he was working on his computer.
Tony looked up at Gibbs and noticed a glimpse of happiness while he was looking at his young brother.
-Hi, Bri. Always working. What is it this time?
-Jet! I didn't hear you. It's just my class for next week.
-Tony, my brother Brian Anderson. Brian, this is Special Agent Dinozzo.
-Nice to meet you, Mr Anderson and please call me Tony.
-I'm happy to finally meet someone close to my brother. I was beginning to wonder if he didn't live hidden in his basement with his boat.
- I can confirm that when he is not hunting a murderer or a terrorist he is in his basement, rubbing some wood.
Brian smiled softly at him and Tony realised that there was something in his eyes that had disappeared from Gibbs'.
-I think you'll have very interesting stories to tell me. I could smell black mail material from here.
-I don't want to hear it. Tony, you stay for dinner? By the smell coming from the kitchen I can say that Brian made his "Chili Special". I can assure you, it's something you must try once in your life.
Tony was surprised by the invitation but he wanted to talk with Gibbs' brother about what happened earlier at the office and it was the perfect moment to do that.
-Sure, if it's Ok for you Brian?
-Off course, Tony.
-Deal! I'll make some coffee. Make yourself confortable Tony.
As Gibbs left the room, Tony turned to Brian who was still on the couch. He had thousands of questions in mind but he didn't really know how to begin.
If Brian was like his older brother he must be careful not to push him. So he decided to sound curious but not too much which was not a thing he knew too well how to do.
Even if Brian was younger than Gibbs, Tony could find something of his boss in the man before him. He had stood up and was tyding his papers.
He was tall and lean. Tony didn't want to stare but the before him gave hil an occasion to see what Gibbs had looked like years ago.
-I must admit that it is quite weird to be here with you. I always thought that Gibbs had no family and here you are. To be honest I don't know what to ask you first. He is so secret sometimes and there are so many thigns I don't know about him.
-It's also kind of weird for me. It's the first time I meet someone who works with him. He wanted to keep his private and professionnal life separated. You are the first one to cross the line. I'm sure you have a lot of questions to ask.
-Yeah! What kind of child was he? You must have had hard times with him as elder brother?
-Not at all. He had always been very protective with me and I owe him a lot. We never had the kind of relationship two brothers can have. He had been my father, my best friend, my teacher and my brother at the same time. We never fought or argued.
Tony was amazed by this man. He had answered a simple question with a sincerity that showed how much he cared about his brother.
Tony could already see many differences between them. For some reasons, Gibbs had learnt to protect himself from anyone who could come to close to him. Brian had revealed in a sentence more than Gibbs in two years. It had seemed quite easy for him to talk about his relationship with his brother.
There was a fragility in Brian that was almost invisible in Gibbs. In some ways he could find some ressemblances with himself.
But when he looked at this man, what shocked him the most was that he seemed to hide something. It was not the kind of look a suspect could have but Tony had learnt to read signs. He had sometimes noticed that with Gibbs.
Both of them didn't want to reveal who they really were. There was always something more, hiden behind a well-painted wall. The french called that trick a "trompe-l'oeil". It was made to let people think there was here something that didn't exist.
Tony felt like he was in front of that kind of painting but he was sure that he would have to look behind the surface to find what Gibbs was afraid of.
Gibbs came back from the kitchen with a steaming mug of black coffee in his hands. Brian saw the small bandage on Gibbs forehead. Worriness shadowed his blue eyes and Gibbs saw it imediately.
He reassured him with a light smile and Brian didn't ask the question that seemed to burn his lips only secondes earlier. They seemed to be able to understand each other without speaking. Tony had seen those kind of relationship between brothers or sisters... Brian decided to change the subject after a last concerned look at his brother.
-I hope you didn't taste the diner, Jethro.
He turned to Tony and added.
-He had always had the bad habit of tasting every meal before diner.
-But you know I can't resist your Chili. Besides I wanted to be sure it was good enough for our guest. I didn't want Tony to be deceived.
-Don't take Tony's presence as alibi. You can't help yourself! You are so pathetic, Jethro!
Tony looked at both men, smiling at the soft argument. He was beginning to see what they relationship was made of.
-I forgot to offer you a drink. I'm not used to having guest. I have beers in the fridge.
-No, thanks, boss. I'm fine.
-If you change your mind just help yourself.there are beers in the fridge and coffe on the table.
-Sure.
-You two had time to talk while I was making coffee.
It was more a statement than a question but Tony could feel the doubt in Gibbs' voice and he decided to adopt a light tone.
-Yeah, I took some notes just to be sure not to forget anything when I'd report back to Kate.
-I'm sure you'll know to be discret. Otherwise I know many ways to remind you who is the boss.
Tony laughed at Gibbs reply. He was well aware of what he could share with Kate and what to keep for himself. Kate was an important member of the team but there was something between Gibbs and him that he didn't want to destroy or even share. They had learnt to trust each other.
Brian was watching the two men interact and he was amazed that his brother should be able to joke like that with someone else. He had witnessed over the years his brother close down to every one. He seemed that this younger man had been able to come closer to him and Brian would have to wait to question him further.
Tony smiled at Brian biting his upper lip as he was used to do when he had something to ask and didn't know how to do it. Gibbs interrupted him.
-Ask your question, Tony. We are not at work and I'm sure that Brian would be happy to answer what ever you have to ask.
-Yeah, boss...You two seemed very close. But there is a question that bothers me.
-Only one?
-No, in fact I'd have thousands of questions but I'm sure you won't be up for an interrogation so I restrained myself to one.
-Finally you've learnt something usefull working with me.
-That's funny, Boss.
And it really was. Brian had never seen his brother so at ease and he began to wonder what bond linked the two co workers.
-I think I can answer one question.
-That's so kind of you, boss! You are brothers? I mean real brothers, not half ones?
-Yeah, same parents.
-So why have you different family names?
It was as if Tony had dropped a bomb in the house. The temperature dropped down. At that question, Tony saw Gibbs tensed. Even if he didn't know why he realised he had opened the right door. Gibbs was obviously disturbed by the question and was looking at his brother as if searching for help. Brian seemed to understand and it was him who answered.
-We were separated when we were younger. Jethro was eighteen and he decided to take our mother's name. I was younger so I couldn't change my name and I kept our father's name : Anderson.
-I see but it's not usual to take his mother's name; you were named after your father. I should call you Jethro Anderson!
This name hit Gibbs like a punch in the guts, he found out he was unable to breath. He hadn't heard it for years but it was as if it was only yesterday. Every moments of his personnal nightmare came back to him. Hearing Tony calling him by his father's name was more than he could bear for today.
Tony saw the distress in his boss' eyes and was afraid he would pass out once more. There was definitely something wrong with him.
-It was a joke, boss.
As Gibbs didn't reply or even look at him, he turned to his brother.
- Brian, what's wrong with him?
Gibbs hadn't moved and seemed to fight to stay concious, each new breath harder than the previous. Brian approached him and put a hand on his shoulder.
-Jethro, come here and sit down.
He looked up at Tony and the special agent could tell it was not the first time Brian saw his brother in such state.
-Tony, could you bring him a glass of water?
Tony walked quickly to the kitchen letting Brian with a non-responsive Gibbs. When he came back, Brian was speaking in a low voice, almost whispering. It seemed to him that Brian was trying to reassure Gibbs like you do with an afraid child.
It was almost surrealistic to see Gibbs fighting not to lose control.
-Breath slowly, Jethro. That's it! You are safe here. He can't hurt you anymore.
For the second time today, Tony wondered what could have traumatised a man like Gibbs and made him feel so afraid that he went almost into shock after hearing a single name.
-Here is the water. Are you Okay, Boss?
Tony sat at Gibbs' side and saw that he was pale and shaking. At that moment he seemed so fragile that Tony wanted to hug him, to apologize even if he didn't know what he had done wrong.
-I'm sorry, boss. It had been a long day. I'd better go.
-No, don't. You don't need to worry!
Gibbs looked up at him and Tony could see in his eyes that he really meant it.
- As you said it was just a long day but you are our guest tonight. I'm tired that's all.
-I know that you are not talkative when it comes to your private life but I can tell that's not only tiredness. There's something more, boss. You passed out in the office today and now it almost happpened again. So I can understand you don't want to talk to me but, please, don't lie.
-I'm sorry, Tony.
-Now, I'm really worried. What do you apologize for?
Gibbs didn't answer. Tony was right, he didn't want to talk about it, not to Tony and not to anyone else.
Brian looked at both of them. He knew that his brother had never talked about his childhood to anyone.
He had hidden it behind thick walls for years but today he felt that it was high time for him to trust someone and put down his burden. For some reason his brother had brought Tony home tonight and Brian wondered if he hadn't felt the necessity of having him by his side knowing what could happen.
-Jethro, you should tell him the truth. Tony is your friend and you trust him otherwise you'd never have brought him here. Let him help you, help us.
-I can't and you know it. How am I supposed to tell him the whole storie when I can't bear hearing his name?
-You've kept it for yourself for too long.
Tony could see the fight in Gibbs mind. He was about to take a decision that was obviously hard for him.
-You know you can trust me, boss. There is something bothering you and I can see it's eating you from the inside. I won't tell anyone.
Tony wanted to convince him it would be better to talk so he decided to be honest with him.
-I know you think I'm childish and sometimes it's true but you also know that I would never play with your feelings.
-I know that Tony but it's not really the problem here. When I say that I can' t tell you it's because I'd be physically unable to tell you the whole story. I had never been able to talk about it and it's not different today. It's even harder now that I know he is free.
Brian's cry startled both men.
-What? Why didn't you tell me?
-I found out about it today and I didn't know how to tell you. How to announce that after only twenty five years they had finally freed that bastard.
Brian sat heavily on the nearest chair. There was no need to be a top investigator to guess who they were talking about.
-You are talking about your father. He had been in jail for twenty five years? What had he done?
Gibbs was loking at his younger brother almost pleading. It was painful to see him like that and Tony began to hate the man that could have inspired such a fear to a man like Gibbs.
-Tell him, Brian.
Even if the situation was obviously hard for him too, Brian seemed to be relieved by his brother's request. As if he was finally allowed to talk about something kept secret for too long.
-Twenty five years ago, our father, Jethro Anderson, was condemned for murder. Jet testified and he was sent to jail ... until today.
Tony looked back at Gibbs. He was astonished by what he was hearing and he could guess it was not the last incredible news he would hear tonight.
-Your father was condemned on your testimony? God, you witnessed him murder someone? But you were only... You were young!
-I was sixteen, Tony. And yes, I was there. I wish I should have been able to stop him, to avoid this tragedy. Maybe Danny would still be here.
Gibbs seemed to be lost in his thoughts and obviously remembering this events was hard on him. His eyes were bright with repressed tears and Tony was about to reassure him the only way he could. He stayed by his side, putting a hand on his knee.
-Who was Danny?
It was Brian who answered.
-He was the third boy of the Anderson's family. Jet was the elder and Danny was the younger.
As Brian stated the facts, Gibbs was smiling sadly.
-He was an amazing child, Tony. We used to call him "Sunny Boy" because his smile was so bright.
-What happened?
Tony had lowered his voice speaking only to Gibbs. He wanted his boss to trust him and talk even if he sensed that Gibbs was on the edge of breaking down.
It was probably what afraid Tony the most. He could feel him shiver by his side and he came closer touching his left arm with his hand.
-Our father didn't need an excuse to beat one of us. It was his favourite hobby. This time he just hit a bite too hard. Danny went on the way, he didn't deserve it. I should have...
Brian interrupted him. They had obviously already had this conversation before.
-What, Jet? Put yourself in the line to be hit more than you already had been? Let him finally kill you? You don't remember how it was that night?
-Don't tell me what I should have done or not! I remember too well! The sound of his head hitting the table. I remember seeing him fall. I remember hearing you scream when you entered the room.
Gibbs was shaking even more. The memories were very painful. It was like he was back in his father's house on the nightmarish evening when his father had killed his youngest brother.
-And I remember it too. When I entered the room I saw Danny uncouncious in your arms. Dad was running out of the house. You were holding him tightly as if you wanted to keep him alive one more minute...
-Stop, Brian, please! Don't...
-What I next saw was you. I thought he had killed you too this time. You were covered with blood, barely breathing. You couldn't have done anything to save Danny. Damm, Jethro you were not far from death yourself.
Tony couldn't stay quiet. How could it be possible? Gibbs had been beaten by his father who had in the same time killed his brother.
-God, why had they freed him after only twenty five years? He killed a child. It should have been condemned to a life-time sentence!
-His lawyer was a good one. He succeeded in convincing everyone it was an accident. That Danny fell and bumped his head on the table by accident. They decided he'd had no intentions of killing.
Tony didn't miss the ironic tone in Brian's voice.
-He even cried and said he was sorry and would regret his son every day of his life. He killed Danny, his nine year-old-son and he tried to make us believe he was sorry.
Tony was a little shocked to discover what Gibbs' chidhood had been made of. He would never have guessed what had happened to him but now that he looked more closely at him he could see the lines of tension and exhaustion on his face.
It had taken years him to learn how to keep his worst fears hidden and now he had to face them again.
-So, he took twenty five years and now what?
-He called Brian last night. He had been freed for two days and he was already trying to reach one of us.
-What did he want?
-To scare the shit out of me! And I can tell you he succeeded!
-What are you going to do, now?
-He is legaly free, Tony. We can't do anything. At least he is not authorized to approach Brian. As he was under eighteen at the time the trial took place and a decision was made to forbib him to approach Brian. The decision is still valid. I think that's why he called. He wanted to show that he could reach you no matter what.
-What about you, boss?
-I was sixteen when it happened and by the time the judgment was done I was eighteen so I didn't any kind of protection.
-Bullshit! What did they think? That you were old enough to defend yourself in front of a killer. And now he can come to say hello as if nothing happened.
-Try to calm down Tony. He can't hurt me anymore. I won't let him reach me.
-Sure, boss. Like when you passed out this afternoon? Whatever you say, it won't change the fact that he hurt you and that it still affects you.
Gibbs was stunned by Tony's words. He had never suspected him to be such a good judge of person. But Tony had made a point even if Gibbs would never admit it out loud.
-I can take care of myself, Tony.
-I'm sure of that Gibbs but you should contact the police. They might be able to tell you if he is in town. I still have contacts if you want me to make some calls...
-Thanks but I don't need to know where he is. Besides it won't stop him from coming if he decided to. I will wait for him, I'm not afraid of him anymore!
It sounded as if Gibbs was trying to convince himself instead of Tony and Brian felt it too.
-You would have all rights to be afraid. Damn, who could blame you after what you came through.
-You were there too, Brian.
-Yes, I was but you were the only who was hurt on regular basis. He nearly killed you that night and it was not the first time. Each time he was angry, you were there, arguing with him. The result was always the same. At first I thought you were stupid to face him but I soon understood that he would have beaten one of us no matter what. You were trying to protect us from him by making him look at you.
Gibbs bowed his head. He had never felt so tired. He couldn't keep this for himself anymore. He didn't know how Tony would take the news but he felt the need to talk for the first time in years.
-I learnt to know when he was going to explode. You were both too young and fragile, I couldn't let him hurt one of you.
He said those words as if it was the most natural thing to do for a young boy. Tony understood why he was so protective with the members of his team. These revelations enlightened Gibbs' behaviour with a new light.
-So you protected them by being the only one available if he wanted to hit someone. How long did you do that?
-Mum died after Danny's birth and Dad became more and more insane after that. Little by little he let us all by ourselves. Danny was one and Brian three the first time he tried to kill them. He said it was too hard for him to raise three children. I promised I would take care of them so I did until...
-But you were only eleven. A eleven year-old boy can't take care of two younger children.
Gibbs hadn't left his head as if he had used his last amount of strength. He was drained by the tension of the day.
-Jethro did well. We had always enough food and he taught us everything we needed to know. Our neighboors were there too. Jethro sometimes let us with them when Dad was too drunk. They had a dog. Danny loved that dog. We even had good times with them.
-Where were you, boss, when you placed them there?
-At home. He would have search for them if none of us had been there so I stayed with him.
Tony was amazed to hear them talk about what their everyday life was like it was the most natural thing.
-You stayed with him even when you knew he would beat you? I don't know if I could have done that even to protect my brothers.
-You would have done what you had to, Tony. I was the elder brother and I had promised my mother that they would never be hurt.
-How do you manage to become the man you are?
-Marines, Tony. They taught me what I missed all those years: that you can rely on the man behind you, that you can be useful and help people. I already knew how to survive, there, I learnt what life could be like. That's why Brian and me were apart for some years. After the judgment, they placed him in a good family. They gave him what he had missed all those years. I had to do something for myself.
-That's when you began to build this wall that protects you from being hurt, isn't it? You have paid a high price for something that was not your fault. Your father was in jail but you built your own private cell.
-You maybe right, Tony but that was the only solution for me not to become insane. Plus, I owed it to Danny. I had to go on for him, to do something with my life.
-Jethro, you didn't kill him. Dad did it. You didn't need to punish yourself. I wish I could have helped you more at that time.
-You did. Everytime I came to see you and that I found you smiling and enjoying life, it gave me the strength to go on. He couldn't reach you there and I was able to sleep knowing it. But you don't know what really happened that night.
Gibbs sighed trying to find the courage to tll his brother what h had feared to reveal.
-I am responsible for Danny's death. I am sorry I didn't tell you before but something happened before Danny entered the room. It made Dad mad and Danny stood before me to help. He tried to protect me and he was killed because of that.
Brian was speechless and looked at his brother waiting for him to say anything else. Anything that could explain what he had just said.
Tony could feel the tension in Gibbs arm next to him.
-You taught him that you had to protect the ones you cared for. He knew that your father was about to kill you. He did the only thing he could do to protect you. He did what you would have done for him, what you had already done so many times.
Tony could read the guilt in his boss' eyes but he couldn't do anything to lessen the pain.
-You should be proud of what he had done. You made him strong enough to face your father.
-I should have taught him how to hide and he would still be alive.
-And you would be dead? Is that the problem? That you are the one still alive?
-Off course Tony. I survived because he is dead instead of me. How could I ever forgive myself for what I did to him?
-He isn't dead because of you, he is dead for you maybe, to save you. I know the difference means nothing when it comes to the life of someone you loved but he chose to intervene. He may have been only nine but he had already seen what your father could do to you.
-You didn't know him, Tony. You can't tell why he did that!
-Maybe but I know you and I know what you had taught him. I have seen you fight for what you think is right and I bet Danny wasn't different from you.
-Don't do that, Tony! Please!
Tony had never heard him plea before. Gibbs stood up and began to walk to the kitchen. He couldn't stay and hear Tony trying to reassure him, trying to make the death of Danny bearable. He didn't want to be forgiven for what he had done. It was his burden, the one he carried for years. He had learnt to live with the guilt, with the feeling that he was living his brother's life instead of his own. In a way he was dead in this kitchen years ago.
Brian looked at Tony.
-He'd never talked about that to anyone before. You are the first but don't wait for too much. I have seen him better than today but he would be fine.
-I know that he always come back but this time he seems pretty shaken. I don't know if it's good for him to keep everything inside like that. He did it for years and I can't imagine how tough it must have been for him.
-I think there is still something he keeps preciously to himself. He never told me why Dad was so mad at him that night and I think it's the reason why he feels so guilty about Danny's death.
-Do you have any idea what it could be?
-The only thing I know is that there was someone else home with him when our father came back.
-Something might have happened between them.
-Maybe but I'm not sure he would ever tell you or me what made things turn so wrong.
-We should go and see if everything is fine with him. He scared me this afternoon.
-What happened?
-After your call he stayed still. A thing that is really unusual for him. He was so pale and he just passed out. I couldn't catch him and he bumped his head pretty hard on his desk.
-Make yourself comfortable. I'll take care of him and then we could eat.
Tony looked at Brian while he walked to the kitchen. He was worried for Gibbs but he knew that he would better accept help from his brother. Besides, he needed time to process what he had just learnt about Gibbs childhood.
He had been badly abused, he had seen his brother being killed and had testified to send his own father to jail. What frightened Tony the most was the part still hidden in the dark. His guts were telling him that there was more than that. Something Gibbs had never told even to Brian.
The two brothers came back from the kitchen bringing plates and forks.
-May I help you, boss?
-No, I think we have everything we need. Just take a chair and let Brian do the service.
-The youngest are always the ones who do all the chores, I see.
-You cooked it. It's only justice that you serve it. Besides Tony is younger than you.
Brian was already heading for the kitchen.
-So, I should help him.
-No. He loves doing that.
After a moment of silence, Tony could feel that Gibbs was about to say something he wasn't sure how to say.
-I'm glad you are here, Tony!
-Me too, boss. I just wished I could have done more to help you.
-You've already done more than you had to do.
Brian was back with his Chili. The diner was spent in light discussions about sports, politics. Gibbs was more relaxed even if he was searching for Tony's eyes more than ever. He needed to know that nothing had changed for him.
Tony tried to behave like always but the news he had learnt had hit him pretty hard. He had never thought Gibbs could have been an abused child. He had never witnessed any signs in his behaviour that could have warned him. He now saw his boss in a new light and he was even more impressed by the man he had managed to become.
As they finished their coffee Tony stood up. He was more tired than he had been for weeks.
-I should go home, now. It's already late and my boss is a little hard on me when I sleep at work. Brian, I hope we'll have occasions to talk a little more later. Boss, go to sleep, you look like shit!
-Thanks, Tony. See you tomorrow at seven sharp! Don't forget to take me and be careful with the car. I would have Abby to examine it tomorrow.
-Don't worry! Goodnight, boss. Brian.
-Bye, Tony.
As soon as Tony had closed the front door Gibbs felt the tension rise in the room. They were alone with their memories and fears and they had to face it once more.
-Tony is a good man. He must be a good agent too.
-He could be the best even if he wasn't so distracted sometimes.
-It's part of his charm.
-So you find him charming?
-And you don't? Jet from where I was sitting, I could see you looking at him. I've already seen that light in your eyes before. It was years ago and I remember what it meant for you. So...?
-So you are assuming... What...? That I have feelings for him? You know I can't and I won't risk everything knowing that he would never share my feelings.
-So you'll work with him and see him every day without telling him. I don't understand you sometimes. You won't try anything even if it could make you, both of you happy. What is stopping you, Jethro? You deserve it! You can't let something that had happened years ago ruin your life.
-You have no idea what happened! Even if you think you have all the answers. You were not there!
Gibbs didn't want to yell at his brother but he didn't need to be told what he had to do. He took a deep breath and calmed down a bite.
-I'm glad you were not there. May I ask you a question, Brian? What if I tell him and he is not interested or worst if he is so disgusted that he asked for a transfert in another team.
-Take it the other way. What if he feels the same and he was just waiting for you to take the first step.
-I can't risk what we have. If he left I would have nothing to hang on.
-So you really love him?
-I haven't felt so close to someone since Ethan.
-What a confession! I've only see you two together a couple of times but it was obvious that you were linked. There was something special between you. I couldn't explain why but you seemed different with him like he allowed you to be yourself.
-It was a long time ago. Sometimes it seems to be someone else's life. I'm not the same man today!
-You are not different, Jethro. You look at Tony with the same faith, the same hope. There is just so much more fear. What had he done to you that night?
Gibbs remained silent and Brian was afraid to have pushed him too far. He was aware that this secret was responsible for the fear of being involved with someone else, men or women. Gibbs had never been close to anyone except him.
-You know you can talk to me. Ethan was here this night, wasn't he?
-Yeah. When Dad entered the room, he was there. We had spent the day playing cards. It was a good day but he entered at the time Ethan and me were kissing. It was innocent, we hadn't planned it to happen. He was drunk and he started to yell at Ethan. I was afraid he could be hurt so I pushed him outside. He was safe.
-And you? There were noone to protect you. I wish I could have been there. When I found you lying here, I thought you were dead. Your eyes were so empty.
-I was dead inside, he had stolen my soul, my innocence.
Gibbs was shaking at the thought and Brian understood that he wouldn't tell him more than that for tonight. Brian took him in his arms. He wanted to hold his brother, to let him know that he wasn't alone. It was hard for Gibbs to accept the embrace but he needed it. He knew he was safe here, that for once, someone was able to protect him. He let his head rest on Brian's shoulder.
-Don't go! Don't let me!
-I promise I'll be here for you! Nobody'll hurt you, I promise.
Gibbs didn't realise that he had fallen asleep but Brian had to wake him up and bring him to bed. They hadn't shared a bed since they were kids but he couldn't let him alone especially tonight.
Chapter End Notes:
I began writing slash fic a year ago and finally decided to submit my first one. I wrote in english but I'm french so please be indulgent with the mistakes I've certainly made. I 'm open to all suggestions and advices ...
thanks for the mail you sent me!
thanks for the mail you sent me!