Chapter four.
The truth.
Tony had left Gibbs on the restroom's couch and had found Ducky and Brian in the backyard talking lightly. He was now back inside the building, walking quickly to pick Gibbs up and drive him home. The older man had obviously had a long and hard day.
Tony entered the restroom without knocking.
-Here I am, boss. Ready to go home?
Gibbs had fallen asleep on the couch and he didn't react at Tony's entrance. Tony looked at him. He seemed more relaxed even peaceful when he was sleeping.
He still had those fine lines around his eyes but it seemed he was able to forget about the event of the day. Tony didn't want to wake him up but his own bed would be a lot more comfortable than this couch. He was about to sit by his side when Brian entered the room.
-What are you doing? I am ready to leave!
Gibbs sat up abruptly hearing his brother's voice. It was as if he had heard an alarm.
-Take it easy, Jet. It's me. Everything is fine.
The younger brother was by Gibbs' sides a hand on his shoulder trying to calm him down. Gibbs was breathing hard but his first thought was for his brother. Tony was amazed to see how protective he could be.
-Hey, are you Ok, Brian?
-Yes, I'm fine. What about you? Your head hurts?
-I'll be fine with a good night sleep and a cup of fresh coffee.
-I think you will need more than that, boss!
-You may be right, Tony. I heard someone talking about going home?
-Tony will take care of you, Jet! I have a class to perform in an hour. So I must let you under Tony's care. I'll come tonight and bring diner.
-Ok, Brian see you tonight. Take care.
-Sure, bro!
As Brian exited the room Gibbs managed to sit on the couch looking at Tony.
-You don't need to bring me home. I can take a cab. I'll be fine after a little rest.
-Out of question, Gibbs. You have a concussion and you need someone to watch at you every two hours to be sure you are well. It's me or a nice nurse at the hospital. Your choice, boss.
-It's a hard choice, Tony but I would rather go home.
-Good so let's go. Let me help you.
-Thanks but my legs are fine.
-If you say so.
It was obvious that Gibbs was hurting like hell, each step was hard for him but the man was too proud to ask for help.
They finally reached the car. Tony had watched him all the way ready to help at the first alert. Gibbs was breathless and wincing when Tony opened the door.
-You don't want to drive, Boss? I thought your legs were fine and since you seem so healthy I thought...
Tony turned to face Gibbs when he heard no answers. The man was leaning against the passenger's door of the car trying not ot fall down. His face was pale and he obvously had difficulties to breath.
-Damn, Gibbs. Why don't you ask when you need help? You are so stubborn. It won't hurt you to rely on someone!
Tony opened the passenger door and inclined the seat into a more comfortable position. He was afraid that Ducky should have missed something. It was not like Gibbs to accept help so easily.
He didn't even try to hide the wince of pain the slightest move brought to his face.
-Sit there, slowly. You are Ok?
-Not really. My back and my head hurt like hell. I think you should drive this time.
-I'm glad you finally admit that I was a better driver than you.
-That's not what I said!
-Yeah, but that's what I heard behind the words.
-Don't make me laugh, Tony, it hurts.
-But it's good to hear you laugh. It's not so often.
Tony was amazed by his own words and how true they were. He had never thought of Gibbs' behaviour before but now he was unable to remember the last time he had heard him really laugh.
-Olny with you, Tony.
Gibbs said this last sentence in a whisper but loud enough for Tony to hear it. What did he mean? In two days he had learnt more of Gibbs' life than he had in two years. Most of what he had discovered, had made him feel sick and look at his boss with new eyes. But his last sentence was different. He had heard regret in his boss' voice and it was unlike Gibbs to regret anything.
For two years working with him, he had seen him wounded, angry sometimes, tough with people he didn't like but he hadn't seen him so fragile and helpless than in the last two days. He wasn't sure he knew the man beside him anymore. He was hard to read but Tony was ready to wait by his sides until Gibbs ‘d willingly decide to reveal his real personnality.
He couldn't imagine what Gibbs' childhood had been like. Everytime he thought about it he had that disturbing feeling he didn't know the whole story. He was sick when he thought what he had been through as a child and later as a grown man. It must have been awfully hard to hide the trauma of being an abused child and having been the witness of the murder of your younger brother.
Suddenly, the words hit him: "abused child". Had he been blind not to see the truth before?
Gibbs had not been only beaten by his father. He could have been able to see it in his eyes. He had already witnessed such an emptiness before.
When he'd worked for the stups, all victims he had interviewed looked the same. They seemed lost, hurt and sometimes angry but only one thing could create loneliness like the one he had seen in Gibbs's eyes. There was only one thing that could make people look like someone had stolen their soul.
Tony brake down so abruptly that it made Gibbs cry out.
-What are you doing, Dinozzo? Give a warning next time.
The sudden stop had made Gibbs injured body react violently but Tony needed to go out of this car. He had stopped in a parking next to the wood and had run out before he could hear Gibbs reply. He had felt suddenly claustrophobic in this small place and had needed fresh air.
-What the hell is happening with him?
Gibbs didn't want to get out of the car but he knew something was wrong with Tony and he had no clue what it could be. He forgot about the pain, he tried to at least and managed to go out. Tony hadn't gone far. The younger man was obviously ill, retching his last meal near a tree. Gibbs walked carefully to him.
-What's up?
-Nothing, boss. It must be something I ate today.
-Don't mess up with me, Tony. I know it's not your stomach that is sick.
A sudden feeling of panic hit Gibbs. He had been uncouncious for a long time after his father had hit him. Maybe Tony had not told him all the truth about his father's arresting.
-Did he hit you in the office? Are you hurt?
Tony looked up at him and saw the concern on his boss' face. He couldn't lie to him, he owed him the truth.
-No, boss. He didn't touch me. I think it's what happened in the last two days that made my stomach react like that.
-I'm sorry for that, Tony. You shouldn't take it so hard. You know it was a long time ago.
-How can you say that after what he had done to you? He is sick. You must be... I don't know...
-Angry, furious? I had been at first but it led me nowhere but in the wrong way. So I decided a long time ago to bury it deep inside and never again let what happened hurt me.
Tony looked at him seeing a sad resignation in his blue eyes.
-He should have payed so much more for what he did to you!
Gibbs had known since the beginning that Tony would guess some times what really had happened that night. After all, the man wasn't his best agent without reasons.
-We are not talking about bashing anymore, are we? How have you figured it out?
-When I worked as a cop, I had to interview rape victims. They all had the same look on their faces, the same emptiness in their eyes. I saw that look on your face last night. It took me some times to remember what it meant. I think I refused to see it.
-Well, I wish I could have hidden it from you. But I hired you for your abilities to see beyond evidences. I guess I should have known that sooner or later you would discover the truth. Can we go, now?
-That's all you have to say? He ... he ... and you never told anyone. You didn't have to suffer alone.
-I don't want to talk about it! Understood agent Dinozzo?
Tony was speechless, Gibbs' face was now unreadable. He had put on the mask he dayly wore and he had hiden his feelings and pain behind it. The man was pretty good at that. Years of training had made him able to give to see what he wanted even for the ones who cared about him. Tony understood how he had been able to fool everyone all those years. Even his wives and close friends.
-Sure, boss. We will do as you wish.
Gibbs walked back to the car, avoiding Tony's eyes. The younger man knew better than to offer him any help. They sat in the car and remained silent for the last miles.
Tony parked the car in front of Gibbs' house and opened the door but when he was about to go out, Gibbs stopped him putting a hand on his arm.
-There's no need for you to stay with me. I'll call if I need your help.
Tony knew this tone he had had numerous experiences with the man's awful character. Gibbs liked to tell that the second B in his man stands for ‘bastard". Gibbs was trying to get rid of him but he wasn't going to let him do that. If he had to fight with him he would do that whatever it may cost him.
Gibbs had always been able to make people run away from him by using this kind of tone but, today, Tony knew what it really meant and he couldn't leave him alone.
-You won't get rid of me so easily. If you want to fight I must warn you that I would fight back.
-I don't want you here, Dinozzo! I will take care of myself like I always have.
-What a success! Look at you!
-You are beyond lines, Dinozzo! I'm still your boss!
Gibbs managed to get out of the car and walked to his front door searching for his keys.
He didn't hear Tony coming but when he entered the house he was behind him. Gibbs tried to look angry but he had not enough strength to push him out.
-What the hell are you trying to do here? Was I not clear enough for you? Get out of my house, Dinozzo!
-It was clear like crystal but I choose not to care about what you said.
-That was not a request, that was an order. Get out!
-Or what? You will fire me? You will hit me? Wanna know what I don't care!
Tony knew he was playing with his carreer, that Gibbs had the power to fire him but he needed his boss to react in a way or in another.
-Are you stupid? I can kick your ass out of here!
-You are threatening me, now? I'm not the one you should be angry at!
-Don't dare tell me what I should feel or the way to deal with what happened to me. You can't even imagine what it's like...
-No, I won't. I don't know what you feel. So tell me. I want to help you!
Tony didn't know what he had expected from Gibbs saying that but when he approached him he realised that the older man had decided to play it hard. But he was prepared for the worst so he avoided easily Gibbs' fist.
-I warned you that I would fight back even if I don't want hurt you.
-I don't want your pity, Dinozzo. You think that I am unable to defend myself and that I need you to look at me. I have a news for you, I'm not an helpless child, I never was.
Gibbs had meant more than he had intended in that last sentence and Tony knew he was about to break down. He knew he was playing a dirty game but it was the only way to make him break the walls he had built around him over the years.
-So if you never were an helpless child, how come you let him do that to you? Why did you let him kill Danny?
Touched but not sunk. Gibbs swayed as if punched but he didn't answer.
-Tell me Gibbs!
-I couldn't... he was...
God, what was he doing to him. He wanted to reach for him and hugged him but he wasn't done yet.
-Tell me why did he punish you? What had you done this time to make him so mad at you?
-I can't!
The man was strong. A life time hiding who he was had made him unable to trust anyone. Tony didn't know what he could do now but he couldn't let the man breath. Gibbs would recover fast and protect himself behind the fake image he had created to survive.
Toyn didn't want to threaten him but he wanted to put him under pressure, physical pressure if needed. Gibbs walked back as if he didn't want Tony to come closer.
-Don't approach! Tony!
-Why? Are you afraid, little boy?
Tony was not prepared for what happened. Gibbs rushed to him and they both landed on the floor. His face was flushed.
-I'm not your little boy!
Tony didn't know who Gibbs was really talking to. He managed to turn on top of him. Gibbs was weak and each breath seemed to cost him more effort than the previous one but the anger flashed through his eyes.
-I'm not your father, you can trust me. I won't let you down whatever you do or say.
The words seemed to reach Gibbs' conscious and the man soften taking deep breaths.
-What have you done to me, Tony? It took me years to forget about it. Why do you want me to remember it?
Gibbs' voice sounded unsure and weak and Tony was afraid of what he had done.
-You have never forgotten what happened, you just hid it but it's eating you from the inside. You won't be free to go on with your life unless you put your burden down.
-My life is a nightmare for years and a lie for more years. I can't change it now by talking to you.
-That's not what I offered!
Tony sat on the couch helping Gibbs up. The older man was exhausted and he landed on the couch besides Tony.
-What do you propose, Tony? Should I lie on the couch, doctor Freud.
-Don't play dumb with me, Gibbs! I want you to trust me, to consider me as a friend. I'm not a shrink but I can help you deal with it.
-How could you help me, if you get ill at the thought of what happened?
Gibbs was not ready to talk especially to Tony not that he didn't trust him. In fact he couldn't trust himself.
-I won't lie to you, it hit me pretty badly when I realised it but I wasn't sick because of you but because of me.
Gibbs gave him a puzzled look.
-I hadn't been able to see it in two years. I remember this case with the Petty Officer who had been raped and the way you reacted. Your behaviour became clear suddenly and it was a bite overwhelming, I guess.
-I think I understand but I don't think I could talk about it. Even if I need to, it's just... too hard!
-It's only me. You have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of.
-Maybe I could answer some of your questions.
Tony knew that it was the best Gibbs could do for now.
-Right, try to relax. Who is Ethan?
Gibbs closed his eyes and Tony was amazed when he heard him answer with a clear voice.
-When I was a child I had a lot of things to hide and a lot of lies to tell. I had to hide the cuts, the bruises to my teachers, my friends. I must lie to social services telling them that my father was working while he was sleeping drunk on the couch at ten a.m.
Gibbs sighed and went on.
-Ethan was the only one I trusted enough to tell the truth to. He knew about every bashings, every insults. He was my anchor to the world, the one I cared about not to lie to.
-You loved him?
-I think you can say that it was love. Maybe more than that. I wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been here. I was about to give up some times and he brought me back.
Tony turned a stunned look at him.
-You thought about suicide? But you were only a child?
-Sometimes I wondered if I've ever been a child. The first time I thought about suicide, I was ten. I was in the garden with a knife. It seemed so easy, I knew where to cut. That was the first time I met Ethan. He jumped above the edge and took the knife from my hands. He never asked why, he listened for hours. He never let me down from that day on.
-I should thank him, so.
-I wish I had time to do it myself but he died last year in a car crash.
-It must have been hard for you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
-It wasn't your fault. I went to his funeral. I hadn't seen him for years but I talked to his friends and he seemed to have become a good man. He had left me a letter I never found the courage to read. Maybe I would be able to remember him without feeling that ache deep inside.
-He was at your house that night when your father came back?
-My father was out most of the day drinking, betting. So I decided to spend the afternoon playing cards with Ethan. He was a good pocker player, he taught me how to bluff. We were in the kitchen laughing.
Gibbs smiled sadly at the memory.
-Ethan was older than me, two years older and he had never hiden that he was attracted to men. But, for me, if he was happy with it, I was fine with it too.But when he kissed me I froze. It was strange but not bad. It felt so natural, we had shared so much that it seemed the natural next step in our friendship.
-That's when your father came in? He saw you kiss Ethan?
Tony didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that his boss had once kissed another man.
-I didn't realise what hit me. The next thing I remember is being on the kitchen's floor with him on the top of me. His face was red with anger and he was hitting me over and over again. I heard Ethan cry out, yell at him that he would kill me.
Gibbs closed his eyes trying to erase the images of his father.
-I managed to escape and get back to my feet. I pushed Brian out and closed the door behind him before he caught again.
Gibbs seemed to live this event once again.
-Why didn't you go with Ethan? You should have followed him outside, escaped from this house.
-I couldn't leave the house! Danny was sleeping upstairs in his bedroom and I knew he would have gone for him. I didn't want him to be hurt.
-You knew he would kill you this time? By standing here you knew you faced the death!
-I don't think I was aware of that but there was no other choice. I was ready to be beaten but he decided to change the rules. I wasn't not prepared for what happened next, Tony. He...
Gibbs was unable to go on, he was back in this house alone, facing his father, reading the evil in his vicious smile. He wasn't aware of the tears that were now running freely down his cheeks until Tony's hand wiped them away. The warm feeling of Tony's hand on his face made him feel better for the first time today.
-You don't have to go on. One step at a time.
Tony's right arm was around his shoulders, his left hand resting on his own. Gibbs seemed reassured by the contact and his voice was clearer when he spoke again.
-He said I was a pervert, that it was forbidden to love another man. I didn't even know what he was talking about. He tainted what I had with Ethan saying it was bad. He wanted to show me how wrong it was to think of being with another man.
Gibbs was now crying freely letting the pain he had kept for too long, finally go away. Tony didn't say anything, Gibbs needed time to do things at his own rythm. He didn't need him to push him so Tony stayed here offering him the silent support he needed.
-We just kissed. I loved him but I had never thought of him like that.
Tony's eyes were filled with tears. He was relieved that Gibbs had finally talked to him but he had underestimated the horror of what it had been for him.
Tony wasn't sure Gibbs had ever questionned his sexuality before Ethan kissed him. The older man was crying in his arms because of what this bastard had done to him twenty five years ago. He had never felt so much hate for someone before. He could have killed him without even a blink.
-I'm sorry, Tony.
-What for, Jethro?
Gibbs smiled as he heard Tony call him by his name. He had never before felt free enough with him to even try to call him Jethro.
-It's good to hear you call me Jethro.
-We are not at work so I thought that it was more appropriate but if you mind...
-That's good for me Tony. After what I've just shared with you I think we can forget about the protocol.
-It doesn't change anything, it doesn't change the way I see you, the respect I've got for you. You are the same man to me.
-I'm not sure to be the same than two days ago. I had a job I loved, a life and now everything seems to be over. I feel different, much more...
-Vulnerable? Maybe you are for now but it will make you stronger.
-I want to trust you on this, Tony but I feel like I lost what I made years to build. My all life was a lie. I never really loved, never shared anything, never trusted anyone enough to open up.
-It's high time you allow yourself to rely on someone. There's no need for you to always be in charge, in control of everything.
-I don't know if I'm ready for that. The last person I loved went away with my hopes. I have never been attracted to anyone after Ethan. I wasn't in love with the women I married. I am not sure to know what loving and being loved could be like.
-Nobody really knows. But one day it hapens. It may seem a bite old fashionned but when you meet the one, you know.
-So, I wait and see?
-Why not?
-I'm not sure to be able to go where my heart will lead me? You wouldn't like it.
-What do you mean? What have I to do with that?
-Not tonight, Tony. I can't afford loosing you.
Tony didn't understand what his boss meant. He was confused by the sadness he could read in his eyes.
-I thought for understood that I had no intentions of letting you down. I'm here to stay.
-What if I had discovered I was attracted to someone and that I couldn't do anything.?
-Why not telling the one you feel attracted to?
Gibbs stood uneasily and headed to the kitchen. He couldn't let this conversation go on. It was too dangerous especially tonight.
-You can't let me like that. Who is it? Do I know her? Gibbs...
He received no response from the kitchen and began to worry. He knew that Gibbs was making coffee. It seemed to be his antidote for almost everything.
He stood at the kitchen's door looking at the man inside. Gibbs was obviously hurting, his movements were slow and his face was tensed. Tony heard him curse when he dropped the spoon he had used. He was about to go and help him knowing that Gibbs would hurt himself if he tried to reach it on the floor.
Gibbs was already bent when he reached his side. His injured body was not ready to do such a movement. Gibbs cried out with pain when his legs gave up and he fell on the floor. Tony helped him sitting against the cupboard.
-Take it easy, boss. Breath slowly.
Gibbs was trying hard to catch his breath and not let the pain overwhelm him. He had been hurt before but this time it seemed that all his body was refusing to support anymore pain. He was about to pass out once again. It took him all his strenght to hold on. He tried to concentrate on Tony's voice which sounded worried.
-Where are you hurt? Don't try to speak! Just show me!
Gibbs managed to reach his back and his ribs with his shaking hands.
-Let me have a look. Undo your shirt that I could check on your injuries.
Gibbs' hands were shaking and he was unable to undo the small buttons of his blue shirt.
-Let me do this for you! May I?
Tony didn't want to invade Gibbs' personnal space without his permission. He knew too well that the trauma he had lived was still present in his mind. Gibbs nodded weakly and Tony opened his shirt. His face grew white when he had a look at Gibbs' chest. Even with the bandage that Ducky had made earlier, he could see the bruises which had an awful color.
His back was no better and Tony wished for a second that he could put a hand On Anderson to show him what it feels like to be beaten like this.
-Damn, you are badly bruised. It must hurt like hell! I'll call Ducky!
He knew that the ME would be here in ten minutes but like earlier he would have felt reassured if Gibbs had been in a hospital where he could have a scadron of doctors and nurses looking at him.
He knelt besides Gibbs. He knew it would be almost impossible to convince the man to go to the hospital but he had to try.
-I should drive you to the nearest hospital. You may have some broken ribs or internal injuries.
-No way, Tony.
Even if he was weak Tony saw that Gibbs would never let him do what he was planning.
-Ok, let's call Ducky. But promise me if he says that you need more exams you would let us drive you to the hospital.
Gibbs nodded unable to speak as he was trying to breath slowly. Tony was already walking to the phone when he heard Gibbs' weak voice.
-I don't think I would be able to walk to the car, my back is hurting with each breath and my ribs are not better. I just need some time to rest and I will fine.
-No, Jethro you won' t be fine. You need to be checked.
Looking at Gibbs almost lying on the floor of his kitchen Tony doubted that it was wise to listen to him. He must concentrate to breath, his face was paler than before. He couldn't let him suffer like that. He must do something even if he would have to go against his will.
-I'll call an ambulance, you can't stay like that.
-Let's call Ducky, first. Please, Tony!
Tony didn't miss the pleading tone in his voice and when he caught his eyes he saw how much it cost him to appear so weak in front of Tony. He would not be able to take more for tonight.
-Ok, I call Ducky. Don't move!
-Promise I won't go anywhere!
Tony went to the living room where the phone was. He dialed Ducky's home number. The doc hang out immediatly.
-Jethro? What happens?
-Ducky, it's Tony.
-Is Jethro fine?
-Not really! He fell in the kitchen, he says he can't move. He refuses to go to the hospital. His face is white, Ducky he is really in pain. I think he may have something broken or worse...
Tony knew while speaking that he must sound like he was panicking but it was not far from what he was feeling.
-First of all, Tony, you must calm down. I'll be there in ten minutes. Stay with me. Don't try to move him. The only thing to do for now is keep him warm.
-Ok, Ducky. Just hurry, please.
Tony went back to the kitchen after having caught a blanket. Gibbs hadn't moved, his head resting on the cupboard. Tony surprised himself staring at the man before him.
Something had changed in the way he looked at him. He was more attentive at every move he made, every lines on his face. He knew he cared a lot about him but his feelings were growing deeper, were becoming more than friendship.
He couldn't linger on what he was feeling for now. Gibbs needed him as a friend, nothing more and he couldn't allow himself to cross that line. He sat beside him and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders trying not to move him.
-Like that, you are warm enough?
-I'm fine, thanks Tony.
-Ducky said he would arrive in ten.
They remained silent for a while. Tony wanted to come closer to Gibbs but he didn't know if the older man would accept it.
-You didn't tell me who it was!
It took Gibbs a moment to understand what the man was talking about.
-You never lose the sense of priorities, do you?
-No, not when it counts.
-It's not really important since it will never be more than a sweet dream .I won't act on it.
-I don' t understand why. If it worth the risk, you should go for it.
-It's so easy for you young man. You can have every single woman you look at.
-Maybe, but in the end I'm still alone. It's not a question of love, it's only a question of need. Need to meet people, to be close to another human being, to share something but most of the time it's just a lie, nothing more.
Gibbs turned to look at Tony. He was a bite surprised by the young man's confession. He had always thought that Tony was enjoying the situation and that he liked playing that game. Today he could see that it was almost a burden to him.
-What a confession, Casanova!
-Now you know my secret! You should share one of your secret with me. It's the rule.
-Must I remind you who had written those rules?
-You wrote yours. What about I begin to write mine. The first one would be : " You must tell me who you are attracted to".
-That's not a rule. That could be an order if you had any right to give me one but as I'm the boss I choose not to follow this rule.
They were interrupted by Ducky who entered the room holding his case. They hadn't heard him arrive.
-I am glad to see that you two spend such a good time on the kitchen floor. Your door wasn't locked like always so I came in.
Even if Ducky tried to sound light his was scared by his friend's palor. He could see that Gibbs was suffering from his injuries, much more than he would ever admit.
-You should join us, Ducky. Maybe you could convince him to tell who he is attracted to. He refused to tell me.
-I'm convinced that you would find a way to convince him Anthony. But for now I have a patient to check.
-I was quite comfortable here but he you insist I could use a bed.
-Isn't it sarcasm I can hear in your voice, Jethro? Don't try your chance with me, I may let you here.
-Forget about what I said, Ducky. I need your help.
Ducky saw the truth in his friend's eyes and he was disturbed by that simple admittance. It was not like him to let anyone see what he considered as weakness.
-Let me have a look at those bruises. Tony, could you help him staying straight while I examine him.
-Ok, boss. Let me help you. You just tell me if I hurt you.
-Let's go, Tony.
Ducky was amazed to see how close the two men had become in only two days. Something had obviously changed between them. He observed the two of them: he'd known Gibbs for years and he had never seen him trust someone like he seemed to trust Tony.
The younger was holding him with tenderness. Gibbs head rested on Tony's shoulder. It seemed to be the most natural thing for both men. They were oblivion to the intimacy they shared.
Ducky looked back at Gibbs' injuries only to see that the bruises had spread since the last time he had bandaged Gibbs' ribs. He needed to rest and the time will do most of the job.
-Ok you must keep that bandage and in the morning I will have a look at those bruises but first you need to rest in a good bed with a couple of pain killers. Stay still while I go to my car searching for the pills. Then we will bring you to your bed.
-I'll take care of him, Ducky.
-I'm sure of it, Anthony.
Ducky left the room letting the two men in a tight embrace. He headed to the car a smile on his face. Maybe something good would merge from this nightmare.
-Breath slowly, boss. Ducky will soon be back. The pills would help you.
-You don't mind if I stay like that for a while, Tony?
-I'm glad you find my shoulder comfortable and no... I don't mind.
-Thanks, Tony.
They heard noises come from the front door and Gibbs realised that his brother was coming. He couldn't stay here, his brother didn't need to see him like that. He had had enough to worry.
-It's certainly Brian, he told us that he would bring diner. I hope it's some more of its Chili.
-Tony, help me up. I don't want him to see me like that.
-Don't be stupid you'll make your injuries worsen.
Gibbs had already began to stand up before Tony could catch him. He managed to stand but began to cough and bent on the kitchen's table unable to catch his breath.
-What are you trying to do, Jethro. You want to end in a hospital bed?
Gibbs was catching up his breath but he was still panting in Tony's arms. Tony didn't want to let him go, he was more worried than he could admit.
-If you wanted me to hug you , you should have asked. There was no need to do all that show.
-Shit! I'm discovered!
-I told you, Jet. You should ask for what you want first.
Brian was trying not to show his concern but when he had a look at his brother's face he couldn't help wincing.
-Hell, you look like shit. Why had you done that, once more? There should have been another way.
-There was no other choice to get him back to jail. It worthed the pain. Believe me.
-He may have killed you. I wouldn't have been able to go on without you , Jethro!
Brian wasn' t able to hold back what he had felt seeing his brother hurt once more.
-You never thought of what might happen to you!
-Every plan has its failure!
Ducky chose this moment to intervene. He knew that both of them needed to sort things out but Gibbs was almost unable to stay up. The more urgent thing to do was to lay him in his bed.
-Young men, you will go on with this discussion later. This man need to rest in a soft bed. Tony could you carry him upstairs?
-I don't need anyone to carry me. I can walk!
Gibbs tried to make the step to the door but he fell immediatly in Tony's arms. He had underestimated his exhaustion. His body didn't want to respond anymore.
-Ok, maybe I can't walk.
-Let me do that for you, boss.
Gibbs looked in the younger man's eyes and saw that Tony wasn't trying to make a joke. He was aware that Gibbs wouldn't be able to go to his bedroom and considering what he had been through today it was not amazing.
-Let's go. If you think you can handle me!
Tony was stronger than he had thought. He lifted him with ease and care. Gibbs closed his eyes because of the pain but mostly because he couldn't help the warmth that had invaded his body as he felt Tony's strong arms around him. As they arrived in the bedroom, Tony delicatly put him on his bed.
-Here you are, safe and sound. Did you like the trip?
-Sure, I felt like a virgin wife after her marriage! Thanks, Tony.
Tony couldn't help laughing at Gibbs' reply and he was glad to see the weak smile that appeared on Gibbs' face.
-Well, young men. Now you go out and let me do what I am here for. Then a good night sleep for you , Jethro.
-Everything you say, Doctor.
Brian and Tony exited the bedroom and Tony couldn't help a last look at Gibbs who was now lying on his bed
-I'll stay here tonight, boss so if you need anything just yell. I wouldn't be far.
-Thanks, Tony.
Gibbs was glad that Tony was staying the night even if he knew that he would sleep straight to the morning.
As the two men closed the door, Ducky sat on the bed next to Gibbs.
-I hadn't the occasion and the time to tell you exactly what I thought about what you did today.
-Ducky, it was the only way and nothing you could say would have made me change my mind. I had to put him out of our lives.
-I don't know the whole story between you and your father but I guess that was not the first time he had hit you.
-It was his favourite hobby when I was younger.
-God, I wished I had been wrong. But seeing the way you reacted I thought you had experienced this kind of situation before.
-I thought I had succeeded in forgetting a part of it but when I felt the first punch it all came back in a flash.
-I think you are wrong, my friend. There must have been another way. You shouldn't have needed to put your life in the line like that. You scared everyone at the office and I had never seen Anthony so worried and angry at the same time. Kate told me he was about to hit your father even after the guards had restrained him. Timothy had to stop him.
-Tony knew before we came to the office what my father could do.
-That's why you didn't tell him what you had planned. You shouldn't play with other's feelings. You should be careful with the ones who cares, Jethro.
-I hadn't time to think about it. I knew I had to face him and he would not have been able to stay near me without becoming mad. I never understood why I had the effect on him. That was the only way to protect Brian.
-Oh, Jethro. What could have made you think that your life was less valuable than anyone else's life. You are not expendable, Jethro and it's high time you realise that.
-I didn't want him to kill me if that's what you think. I had never wanted it.
-Now you are lying, Jethro. I saw it in your eyes when you briefly regained conciouness in the office. You were relieved but there was something else that I wasn't able to decipher at that time.
-I had sometimes wished that it would finally be the last time. I even tried to end it myself once or twice but I always found reasons not to take that final step.
-And today on what did you hang on?
-You are well aware of who made me resist once more. I am not able to give up on him and I realised he counted even more than I had imagined.
Gibbs tried to turn to find a more comfortable position but Ducky had to help him.
-This conversation is over for now but you have to make me a promise. Please don't take so much risks without telling one of us.
-You have my promise that the next I would choose to face an angry bull I would invite you to the show.
-I'm glad to see that you are able to laugh with your own life. For now take those pills and sleep.
-Thanks, Ducky for being a true friend even when I am stupid.
-My pleasure , Jethro. Good night.
-Good night, Duck!
Gibbs was already asleep when Ducky closed the door and returned to the living room where Tony and Brian waited for him. Tony was the first to see the ME enter the room.
-How is he, Ducky?
-He is already asleep. He was exhausted and his weakness was caused by both the exhaustion and the trauma of seeing his father after all those years. Before you ask the next question, he will be fine. Physically his wounds will heal with some rest and painkillers. I am more concerned by his emotional health. He was pretty shaken by what happened today and he would need help to go on with his life.
Tony and Brian seemed to process the news and search for the apropriate answer.
-You know I will do what I can to help him but the main question is to know if he would accept this help.
It was Brian who answered the question.
-I think that if there's someone that could help him it's you Tony. I saw how he trusts you and you are the first one to have come so close to him. Over the years I had learnt to observe him and I never saw him like he is with you.
-You know him better than I do Brian but he is not the kind of man who could let someone else see what he thinks are his weakness. And he would need to fully trust me with his worst nightmare. I don't know if he would be able to do that with anyone.
-Did he tell you what happened on the night Danny was killed?
-When I drove him here I realised what he had tried to hide and he told me but...
-He never told anyone. You are the only to know what happened to him this night. When I found him in the kitchen with Danny in his arms I tried to make him talk but he seemed alone in his mind.
It seemed hard for Brian to talk about these events.
-It took him two weeks to talk again when the judge told him that they would be obliged to free our father if he didn't tell her what happened. But even that day he only talked about Danny and what he couldn't hide. He had refused the doctors to examine him. For days I was the only one who could approach him.
Tony's jaw was tensed and he had not realised that his fists were closed. He wished he could have done something to help him forget about everything. Sometimes he wished some fairy tales could come true. He felt Duky's hand on his shoulder.
-You couldn't have done anything to avoid what happened this afternoon. You know how he could be when he had decided to act. It was his decision Tony.
-No, Ducky it never was his decision. He had always felt obliged to face his father. His mother had asked him to protect his brothers. She knew what his husband was able to do an dshe put a too heavy burden on the shoulders of an eight year old boy.
-That's Jethro who told you that?
-Yes, Brian.
-I didn't know that. He was with her when she died and he told me that she had just fallen asleep.
-You were too young to understand, Brian. He tried to make it easier for you.
Ducky was trying to reassure Brian but the day had been hard for him too and what Tony had just revealed to him had hit hard.
-Damm, Ducky. Gibbs was eight and she made him the one responsible for what could happen to his brothers. You don't see it. It's as if she blames him for Danny's death.
-She was dying , Anthony. She only wanted to be sure that there would be someone to look after them.
-So she made him pay the price. For almost ten years he took every blows, every insults thinking it was what his mother had asked him to do. And when his father killed Danny he thought he had failed. He hadn't been able to protect him.
-I know there's no words to tell what he went through, Tony but it is not the right moment to talk about that.
Tony looked at Brian for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. The younger man was lost in his thoughts, tears running down his cheeks. He hadn't thought about him lost in his anger against Gibbs' parents.
They were both guilty for what had happened to him.
-I'm sorry Brian, I had no right to judge what your mother did. I let my anger spoke for me.
-No, Tony, you were right. She shouldn't have asked him to protect us. Jethro used to talk about her when we were alone in our bedroom. I didn't remember much about her and Danny was only a baby when she died. I think he wanted us to keep in mind the image of an ideal mother who had loved us.
-It wanted you to think there was someone that had loved you while what your offered you was anger and violence.
-He replaced her and him at the same time and he was only eight. He shouldn't have had to do it.
-Nobody should ever live what he had lived but he did it for you and the best way to thank him is to live the life he had ever wished for you.
Tony hadn't spoken for a while. He couldn't help feeling angry . Brian was not the one to blame he didn't want his anger to upset Gibbs' brother. His boss would never forgive him if he did so. He only began to imagine what could bond the two brothers. Ducky saw that Tony needed some times alone.
-I think it's time for everyone to go to bed. I guess that both of you are sleeping here tonight. There's a guestroom with a bed for two and the couch.
-Ducky, you take the bed, Brian could take the couch.
-Where would you sleep, Anthony?
-Someone needs to stay with Gibbs. Even if I know his injuries are not life threatening, he may have bad dreams and I don't want him to be alone if it happens.
-It's nice of you, Anthony and I think you are the best for the job.
No more words were spoken whie they prepared for the night. They all had enough to think about on their own.
When Tony entered Gibbs' bedroom he was relieved to see him sound asleep. He took the armchair and put it next to the bed where he could see Gibbs' face. Looking at the fine lines drawn around his eyes he wondered how much time it would take for him properly heal after what he had been through.
Author's Chapter Notes:
A truth is revealed.
Chapter End Notes:
I began writing slash fic a year ago and finally decided to submit my first one. I wrote in english but I'm french so please be indulgent with the mistakes I've certainly made. I 'm open to all suggestions and advices ...
thanks for the mail you sent me!
thanks for the mail you sent me!