Chapter five.
The meaning of love.
The next morning Gibbs woke up with the feeling that someone was looking at him. He didn't want to open his eyes, didn't want to see where he was. He had that strange feeling that he would better try to forget what had hapenned. His body told him that something bad had hapenned and he was able to remember that he had felt like that before.
It took him time to remember the events of the last two days. In this brief movement between sleep and awakeness he had been able to forget, to pretend that everything was as usual, that this story was only a bad dream and he was back in his life.
He secretly wished he should be able to go back in time and erase those damned two days in which his fears had come back.
He slowly opened his eyes looking at his surroundings. He could tell by the light in the room that he had slept later than usual, the day light was entering through the curtains.
He heard a moan coming from his left and as he turned his head he could see Tony still asleep on a chair beside his bed. His legs were curled on the armrest, his head bent on his torso. The young man must be very uncomfortable in this position. It would certainly not the way he would have chosen to sleep. He had to wake him up but he took some time to look at him, secretly wishing he would have the opportunity to tell him how he felt.
Gibbs sat on the edge of his bed. The pain he had endured the day before wasn't gone but it was far less overwhelming. His back and his ribs were still sore but he was able to move without wincing and fighting to catch his breath. He stood taking a second or two to find his balance and walked to the sleeping man. Putting a hand on his shoulder he tried to wake him up.
-Tony, wake up. You shouldn't have slept like that!
Tony had never been a morning man. Gibbs had seen him need an hour to finally be able to say a coherent sentence after a hard night. Tony lazily opened one eye, it took him time to focus before realising who was talking to him but even if he wasn't fully awake his face lightened with a warm smile. The one which could make Gibbs' heart melt.
-Hey, boss. Finally awake!
-Why are you sleeping on that chair beside my bed? How long have you stayed there?
The first answer Gibbs heard was a groan. Tony didn't seem to understand what is boss was saying.
-Too much questions, boss! Let me try to stand up, my legs are numb then you could eventually ask your questions, one at a time. My brain needs times to be powered in the morning.
Tony streched his legs and arms allowing Gibb to have a look at his firm body. The older man tried not to stare at his friend but the temptation was too hard to resist. Gibbs had already seen him at the gym but he had always refused to allow himself to look too obviously at him. Tony's voice brought him out of his dream.
-Ok, I listen now. What do you want to know?
-Why have you spent the night on this chair?
Tony adopted that innocent look he was specialist of. Gibbs had seen him use it before. He knew too well that he would be forgiven whatever he may have done with this look.
-Ok, I admit I was worried for you. I didn't want you to stay alone if you had bad dreams. And I was right, the least I can say is that you hadn't a restful sleep. I wanted to be there if you needed me.
Gibbs tried to look angry but he couldn't hide that the concern he could read on Tony's face flatered him.
-Thanks for finally answer my question but you didn't need to spend the night sleeping on a chair.
-I was sure you would say that. That's the reason why I didn't ask for your permission.
That kind of behaviour was new for Tony, he would never have done something that could have bothered Gibbs without asking first. It was obvious that something had changed in the way Tony acted with him and Gibbs wasn't sure it was for the best.
-You thought I would need your help but I didn't remember waking up once this night.
-The fact that you don't remember doesn't mean that you didn't have bad dream. In fact, you were pretty agitated some times.
-Thanks, Tony.
Gibbs saw that Tony was waiting for the next sacarstic reply that usually followed every thanks Gibbs gave him but nothing came.
-Did I hear you well? No reprimand, no slap at the back of the head. I should have tried the bed.
-Don't ever try this if you want to live.
Tony laughed at the thought of Gibbs' reaction if he had woken up with Tony asleep at his side.
-Ok, boss. I won' t try but the next time you take the chair. How are you feeling?
-Much better than yesterday but not enough to sleep on a chair.
Tony smiled at him reassured by the way Gibbs was joking. He could still see the sadness and the anger in his eyes but for the first time he could hope that one day Gibbs would be able to finally heal.
-Now, it's coffee time. I think we shouldn't let Brian and Ducky alone in your kitchen.
-They also stayed the night?
-Your brother let Ducky sleep in the guest room and took the couch. You can't get rid of the family, Gibbs.
The last sentence made Gibbs shiver. He had always considered his team members as his true family but it had never been so true than today. They all have spent the night at his home only to be sure he would be fine. Nobody had ever done that for him without being payed to do so.
-So, they let you with the chair?
-I voluntered besides it was a chair in your bedroom or a carpet in your basement and it's freezing cold down there.
-There was no need for the three of you to stay the night.
-It's what a family does. Thay take care of their own.
Tony had approached him while speaking. It was far too dangerous to have this kind of conversation with Tony so close to him. Tony would be able to see how his words were affecting him. He had never dreamt of Tony considering him as a family and it was an overwhelming feeling.
He had always refused to be too close to anyone and this man had succeeded in moving him, coming down his radar. He realised he had missed a question Tony had asked when the younger put a hand on his arm.
-Jethro, is something wrong? Did I say something I shouldn't have said?
-No, Tony. You didn't say anything wrong. I was just thinking of your choice of word. I had wished for a family for years and I didn't axpect it to take this form.
-What? You don't see it? Brian is already your brother, you are the elder, the wiser should I say, Ducky could be your uncle and me , I should be...
-My guardian angel?
Tony seemed to take his time to think of the proposition.
-Why not? But don't call me Jimmy Cricket or our deal is out!
-It's a full-time job, you know. You are sure to be up for the job?
Gibbs was playing the game Tony had begun but his question was not as innocent as it could seem and Tony realised it. He looked right in Gibbs' eyes when he answered.
-I haven't planned to go far from you for the next week and you could rely on me whatever you need.
-I'm not used having someone looking at me, Tony.
-It's high time you begin to think of yourself. And as you don't seem to be able to do so I would do that for you.
Gibbs seemed to think about what Tony had just said. He must admit that he wouldn't have guessed that Tony cared so much and even if he was glad he was not sure to be able to deal with it. He had to be honest with Tony.
-You don't need to do that, you don't owe me anything, Tony.
-What? You don't want me as guardian angel. So I could be...
-The youngest brother of the family. I'm sure Danny would have agreed to let you use the title.
Tony looked seriously at Gibbs searching for irony but the only thing he could see in his eyes was sadness and what he had never seen before some kind of tenderness.
-I would be honored to be the youngest of the family. As far as I am not the one who does all the chores.
Gibbs laughed at Tony last remark, it reminded him of Brian who always pouted when it was time to tidy his bedroom. Tony seemed to be the only one able to make him laugh so freely and it was good.
-You would have to do what goes with the status. .. We would make a weird family.
-If you are nasty with me I would go and tell Ducky. I like the idea of being the youngest finally. You will be punished and be obliged to hear one of his never ending story.
It felt good to babble like that with Tony. Even if their discussion could have seemed childish it made Gibbs feel more comfortable with his feelings. Tony's attitude toward him had changed. The young man seemed more relaxed like he had realised that his boss was also a man who could have emotions.
-I'm sure you were a nice young boy when you were a child. The kind other kids couldn't stand. Always the best in whatever you did.
-I wasn't always the best but I was, in fact an unbearable child. An only child who always obtained whatever he wanted.
-How did you manage to become the man you are?
-I met someone who taught me that life was not a fairy tale where you only had to ask for what you wanted. He showed me that I would have to fight for what I wished and not wait for someone else to give it to me.
-He did a pretty good job. But have you reached your goals?
-Mostly, yes even if there are still things I want to do.
-And can you tell me who that guy was?
-It's someone I met at the University. I acted there like everything was due to me. I always tried to impress people, I showed off but he wasn't impressed by my family or the money I could have. He saw behind the appearances and made me realise that I was someone and not only the son of someone.
Gibbs didn't miss the sadness in Tony's eyes and wondered what kind a childhood Tony had really had. There were still things he didn't know about him.
-I didn't always want to hear what he had to say but he was not afraid by me so little by little I began to listen and learn. Sometimes you remind me of him. You always tell me the truth whatever it might cost, how hard it could be. I know that you would never lie to me and it's reassuring.
Tony smiled at Gibbs hoping that he would understand how important it was to him.
-You are a good agent, Tony. I know I don't tell you so often. More than that you are a good man and in my standards I didn't meet many people about whom I would have said that.
Tony didn't know what to say. He had thought that Gibbs had such a high opinion about him.
-Stop with compliments, I could get used to that, boss. What about a coffee?
The change of subject was a bite abrupt and it didn't escape Gibbs that there were some parts of his life that Tony didn't want to share. Gibbs couldn't blame him for that.
-I follow you , lead the way.
The two men headed to the kitchen. Gibbs walked slowly and was aware that Tony was waiting for him. The young man was still in mother hen mode but Gibbs didn't care. He was glad of the evolution of their relationship in the last two days and he liked the way they were now bonded.
It was easier for him to trust Tony now that he knew what had happened to him. He had nothing to hide anymore and it was a relief to be allowed to really be himself in front of his friend.
They heard voices coming from the kitchen. Obviously, Ducky was telling Brian one of his favourite tale. Ducky stopped when the two men entered the room.
-Hey, you two. How are you feeling, Jet?
-Much better but I think that Tony would need a massage and a hot bath to ease the pain he would certainly feel after a night spent on a chair.
-I thought you have decided to be nice with me, today.
-It was nice, Tony. Besides I never promised that!
Brian looked at Ducky trying to see if the ME knew what they were talking about but he seemed as lost as he was.
-I think we've missed something, Ducky. Would you like to share your secrets with the two us, Jet?
-Tony thinks we can build a new family and he volunteered to be my guardian angel.
-You didn't have to tell them about our agreement!
-It's you who talked about family, Tony. Remember?
-Ok, I surrender. You are the boss here.
-I'm glad to see you in such a good mood. But I'm not sure I would agree with what you reserved to me.
-Oh, Come on Uncle Duck.
-Anthony, if you want me to play that kind of game, let's go!
Tony and Gibbs were suddenly afraid of the smile that appeared on their friend's face.
-To begin, you two sit down and have a real breakfast and not just a cup of coffee. You must eat something. You know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives you the strenght for the day. A good breakfast must have vitamins, cereals and milk...
The three men seated around the table were smiling, looking at Ducky while he was babbling. They broke into laugh when the older man stopped in front of them a bottle of orange juice in one hand and cereal box in the other hand.
-What? You wanted me to be your uncle? So it's my job to teach you how to take care of yourself! That's not what uncles do?
-The only thing my uncle taught me was to shut up when he was watching a baseball game on TV and where the beers were so I could bring him one when he had finished with the one he was drinking. Besides I didn't even like baseball!
-Poor Anthony! You should know that baseball is inspired by an ancient english game...
Gibbs knew how long Ducky's stories could be and he wouldn't be able to hear one more without a coffee in his hands. He must stop him now if they wanted to eat their breakfast before midday.
-Ducky, coffee, now please!
-There is something new. You learnt to say please during the night?
-That's funny, Ducky but I really need a coffee!
-Ok, Jethro. I'll give you your favourite drug but you have to promise me to eat something. You will need it to heal properly. And here it's the doctor speking not the uncle.
-I'll take a toast and a big black coffee; Satisfied, doc?
-Not really but I guess I must be happy with that!
The four men ate in silence. Gibbs surprised himself wishing this moment would last a little longer. He was savouring the quietness of being with his friends. There was no need to talk, he could just enjoy the moment. But Brian was the first to break the peaceful silence.
-I love being there with you but we are not all in holidays and I have a lot of poor students that need my lights.
Brian stood, followed by Ducky who was finishing his orange juice.
-I have to go too. The deads won't wait and my boss is sometimes a little angsty when the job isn't done in time.
-Ducky, your boss is on medical leave for at least one week so I don't think you need to hurry.
Gibbs turned to look at Tony and saw that genuine smile on the young man's face.
-Dinozzo, that's not because I'm not here to kick their ass that the job doesn't have to be done!
-I don't like when you call me by my name. That's not a good sign! It remind me of my father. Ducky, Brian don't leave me alone with him!
The two men couldn't help laughing at the face Gibbs made. Tony was enjoying himself and didn't want to stop.
-You know how he can be. I don't know why but he is always mad at me even if I'm the nicest guy of the world.
-Now, you are pathetic, Anthony. You are a grown man. I have seen you face terrorrists and Generals and you are afraid of your boss?
Tony tried to look afraid but he liked the idea of spending the days alone with Gibbs.
-You would be responsible for what could happen to me. So, boss. It's just the two of us, today!
Gibbs didn't seem to pay attention to Tony's words. He was looking at his brother ignoring the young man next to him.
-If you don't hurry, you will be late, Bri! Don't let your students alone. You know how the youngers could be. Look at Tony.
-Sure, Jet. I'll see you tonight. Try not to be nasty with Tony.
-I'll call you to check if everything is fine, Jethro!
-Yes, Ducky. Thanks for support!
The two men exited the room still laughing at their friend's childish attitude. Brian was still worried for his brother. Even if Jethro had always been able to go through every tough events he felt that this time it would be more difficult for him. Ducky seemed to read his mind and put a reassuring hand on his arm as they walked to the car.
-Don't worry, he will be fine. With some time and Tony's help.
-Are you sure he would be able to heal?
-They are building a new relationship even if they don't realise it for now.
-So, you know how Jethro feels about Tony?
-I am aware that Jethro sees Tony as much more than a friend.
-He is in love with him. I've seen him like that before. If Tony turns him down he wouldn't be able to stand it.
-I'm sure that Tony feels the same. The main question is to know if he would realise it soon enough. I will talk with him. I don't want them to miss a chance to be happy.
-You are a dangerous man, Doctor Mallard!
Gibbs was now silent savouring his second cup of coffee. He had always thought that the second one was the best one. The first was only necessary to open his mind but the second one was for the pleasure of the bitter taste. It had taken him time to find again pleasure drinking coffee. It had for a long time meant the need to stay awake to avoid his father hurting his brothers.
Tony was looking at him and didn't like the sadness that had reappeared in his eyes. He had to distract him from the thoughts that were running through his mind.
-You didn't eat your toast, boss. You promised.
-Yeah but I needed some more coffee first.
-How can you drink stuff like that with no sugar or cream?
As soon as he had said the word he had regretted it.
-Old habits die hard. I used to drink it black since I am twelve.
Well played Dinozzo! He wanted to make him think of something else than his past and he had asked the question he shouldn't have. But now he had opened that gate he couldn't close it now.
-A twelve year old boy doesn't drink coffee!
-A twelve year old boy shouldn't have to stay awake to be sure his two brothers would live another day without being hurt, to allow them to sleep quietly.
Tony didn't know what to reply. He wasn't even sure Gibbs had spoken to him. He didn't seem to have realised what he was saying.
-It was a great responsibility for a child but you did well with Brian. He is a good man and he loves you.
-Who he became is more the fact of his foster family than mine. They helped him when he needed the most.
-I think you're wrong. You made him strong enough to accept the help he needed. You showed him he could proud of who he was. You don't see the way he looks at you. You are not only his brother but the father he dreamt of when he was a child.
-You are amazing sometimes, Tony. How have you learnt to observe people like that? I've already seen you do that with suspects or victims even if it's not a part of your job. I didn't hire you as a profiler but you seem to be able to profile sometimes better than Kate.
-Justin, the man I told you about studied psychology at the university. I helped him learning and he taught me how to analyse people's actions or read the signs that everyone unwillingly sends. He used to tell me that I had to know people I cared about to keep them with me.
-He was certainly right but it's not because you can tell what someone desire that you would be able to make them stay. I knew what each of my ex-wives wanted but I was unable to give it to them.
-What was so important for them that they couldn't stay with you?
-Even if none of them told me I knew that they wanted a real family but I wasn't ready to have a baby. I would never have risked making a child unhappy.
-I'm sure you would have been a great father. You are not like him. I've seen you with many children, you were careful and gentle with them. It's something you have in you, you can't pretend with kids. They are able to see through people and when you talked to the kids we met they saw the that you were honest with them.
-It's something to know how to deal with kids when they are not yours but it's more difficult to raise your own child.
Gibbs wasn't at ease talking about something so intimate with Tony. His marriages hadn't really been success stories and even now it was hard for him to face the reasons why they had failed.
-You've never wanted to have a child?
-I never found someone I wanted a child with. Besides I'm not sure I would be able to have a kid and give him the time he deserves. I don't want to do the same mistakes my father did with me. He gave me whatever I wanted but he didn't really understand that what I wanted the most was to be with him.
-Everything seems to bring us back to the place the father have in our life.
-It seems so. But there is one more reason that is more selfish. I love my way of life and I'm not ready to give it up. I love my independance.
-But you never wanted to have someone with you when you go home, some to share your life with?
-Not if I have to give up what I have. My friends, my job.
-The women you met at the office, in the bars, doing your jogging...
-What are you implying, boss? I like flirting but I don't sleep with every woman I meet.
Even if Gibbs had said it with a smile, Tony could hear the hidden reproach behind the words.
-Don't tell me that Samantha, Anita, Melany don't exist!...
-You wrote a list. You really have time to loose. I wasn't aware that you were so attentive to my love life. For your information, my last lover's name was Chris and we broke up before I joined the NCIS. I'm not always the childish man you seem to see in me.
-I'm not as good as you at deciphering people's personnality. I've begun to realise that I've made a lot of mistakes with you. I'm sorry if I hurt you sometimes.
-I should say the same thing to you. Three days ago, I would have said that you were my boss and would never have seen you as more than a team mate, that you were unable to let someone get close to you. And look at us today, we even slept together last night!
Both men laughed at that statement but Gibbs' laugh faded as he realised what Tony had just said. If only he wasn't joking about it but it was good to laugh and see the man he loved smile back at him.
Gibbs had the intuition that it was the day to test his chance even if it was risky.
-It seems that you and Justin had been close friends?
-Yeah, we were like you and Ethan. We stayed in contact until he went to San Francisco. He wanted me to follow but it was too far, too soon so we parted good friends. But we are still friends.
-You talk about him as if he had been much more than just a friend.
It was more a statement that a real question and Tony hesitated before answering.
-You guessed well, like always, boss.
Gibbs didn't react and Tony felt a bite angry that his boss didn't seem to accept it.
-Did it shock you? If you really want to know the whole story, Justin had been my first lover. He was nice with me and I guess that you can say that he was the first to show me what being in love meant.
Gibbs couldn't say anything. He would never have guessed that Tony had ever been with another man. He didn't know what he had searched for by asking him that question but certainly not for that kind of confession.
Tony couldn't help feeling angry at Gibbs attitude toward his revelation. He had never talked about his past love life before but he had wished that no matter who he had loved, Gibbs would still see him like he always had. But today the older man seemed to be unable to accept what he had revealed.
-Does it change anything that I should have been with a man, that I love both men and women? I know that it doesn't match with your idea of what should be but it's a part of who I am.
Gibbs remained silent even if he knew that Tony was misunderstanding him. He couldn't find something to say, something that could make him understand what it meant to him. He had never wished he would hear him say something like that.
He had thought he knew him and he would never have guessed that a man like him should be interested in another man. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realise that Tony was staring at him.
Tony's anger had raised seing that the man before him didn't react.
-That's it Jethro? Too much information for you boss?
Still nothing. He would have prefered to be hit or yelled at but Gibbs stayed there looking at him.
-I ‘d better go. I guess there is no place for me in your family anymore. It was good to share it with you the time it lasted. Bye, Boss. I'll ask Morrow for a new assignation.
Tony knew he was over reacting but he couldn't help feeling upset by Gibbs non reaction. He had to make him say something in a way or another. But even the threat of him being assigned to another team didn't make him move.
-Don't tell me that you never met gay men before. I suppose that Marines are not used to tolerate such weakness. But you know what? I don't care. I learnt years ago that I didn't need other's agreement.
-Tony I don't... I didn't know.
Gibbs had tried to explain what he felt but his words had sounded desperate even to himself. He couldn't face him anymore. He realised in an instant what this revelation really meant to him. If Tony had been attracted to men all those years and had never told him anything, it could only be because he felt nothing for him.
He had seen all his hopes vanish before him. Even if he would never have done anything to show him how much he cared he had always hope that Tony would do something.
-I guess that you said all you had to! If I had known I would never have said anything and would have gone on hiding my preferences.
Tony stood up and walked to the front door without looking back at Gibbs who hadn't moved from the couch. The older man jerked as Tony shut violently the front door. How could he always manage to make the worse happen? Ten minutes ago they were laughing at the same jokes and now he was gone. He had hurt the only one he really cared about.
He was unable to move, frozen inside. The feeling of loose was almost unbearable. The only thing he could do was to take the phone and call the pre registred number of Ducky's lab. The ME was the only one he could talk to.
-Doctor Mallard speaking.
-It's Gibbs.
Ducky could hear the tremors in Gibbs' voice and guessed that something had gone wrong with his friends.
-Are you fine, Jethro? Where is Tony?
-He is gone, Ducky. He told me about his past lovers and ...
-What did you tell him, Jethro?
-Nothing and I think it was worse. He would have prefered me to yell at him but I couldn't.
-Jethro, I'm sorry.
-Ducky, he thinks that I found it wrong that he could have been with a man.
Ducky didn't like the laugh he heard from Gibbs after that sentence. He knew his friend was on the edge of breaking down and he couldn't do anything from here.
-Jethro, you stay where you are and I would bring him back.
-I can't stand loosing him, Ducky. He misunderstood my reaction.
-I know, Jethro. I will tell him and I come to your house.
-Thanks, Ducky.
As he hang down Jethro lie down on his couch. He hadn't felt so empty since that day when his father had stolen his soul. The day his nightmare had began. He couldn't move and breathing seemed to be harder and harder as he thought about what he had lost. He was exhausted of fighting and he needed to let go for once.
He managed to walk to his bedroom where he found the little box he was hiding in his dresser. Ethan's last letter was there where he had put ot years ago. He sat on the edge of his bed wondering if he would be able to read it.
Ducky was worried as he drove to Tony's appartment. Things had turned wong between the two friends and he didn't know if he would be able to make them talk again. It was amazing how alike they could be but in the same time they seemed unable to communicate.
They needed help and Ducky was there as a mediator. So he was there in front of Tony's door wondering if he could knock or just enter. He could only hope that he would be able to find the right words to convince the young man that Gibbs wasn't disturb by what he had said. But he couldn't betray the secret Gibbs had told him.
He tried to open the door which was unlocked. One more ressemblance betwen the two of them. As he entered the room he could feel that something was wrong and that Tony was grieving. The stores were shut and the soft sound he heard coming from the audio system was classic music. The kind of music you listen to when the mood is quite dark.
Tony was on his couch, a glass of wine in his hands, head bent, eyes shut. Definetly not a good sign. Ducky knew he would have to play a tight game. Tony would not be easy to convince.
-Hey, Anthony. What are you doing here alone in the dark? You were supposed to play guardian angel, today?
-I don't want to play anymore, especially with someone who is disgusted by who I am.
As Tony looked up at him Ducky could see that he had cried.
-Same question, Duck. Why are you here? You are on a mission from the boss? He sent you to repair the damages? Good try from him but I'm not interested in being a member of his family. I had to hide for too long.
Ducky could hear the bitterness in Tony's voice and he couldn't blame him. He knew too well how it was like to feel rejected by your friends.
-I think you could have, at least, listened to what he had to say. You dropped your bombshell and went away. Gibbs is a man who needs time especially after what happened to him. I hoped that you knew him better than that.
-I didn't need him to say anything. All I had to know I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me.
-I can tell you that whatever you thought Gibbs' behaviour meant, you are wrong. He might sometimes be a bastard as he likes to call himself but he is not the kind of man to judge people. He is not as intolerant as you think he is.
-Oh, I see! It must be me, so. He can't stand me being gay. Why? Have I come too close to him. Is he afraid of me?
-You may be not far from the truth. He might be afraid of you but not for the reason you believe. The last days had been hard for everyone but especially for him. He had been obliged to face his worst fears and he trusted you enough to let you help. And believe or not, I know him for years and it is not something he could do easily.
-If I follow you, it's my fault that he couldn't bear my sexual preferences. I didn't do it to upset him, you know. He asked and I felt I could be honest with him. He didn't say anything, he was there, looking at me without really seeing me. It was as if I had became invisible. I had seen this kind of look already and I could not stand it from him. I was so angry that he could feel disgusted or disturbed.
-Tony, what did you expect from him? In two days he had seen his past come back in the worst way. He had had to face the man who had abused and bashed him. He thought he had been able to forget it.
Tony was amazed to hear Ducky talk about the agression. He knew that Gibbs hadn't told him.
-No, Tony he hadn't told me but he didn't need. You have to understand how hard it could have been for him to let his father hit him once more in order to send him to jail. The only anchor to sanity was you. He hung on you, Tony.
-I've seen him face the worst terrorrists and he appeared to be the man who is afraid of anything. You exagerate Ducky.
-No, I don't Tony. And I don't think it was a good time to let him alone. So if you want to come with me I'll go and check if he is fine.
-I don't think that he wants to see me so I'll pass this time.
-Do as you wish young man but you are only avoiding the real reason why you are angry at him. I will be there when you open your eyes but I don't think Jethro would be able to wait for you.
-He didn't need me.
-I don't know if he really wants to fight now.
Ducky headed to the door hoping that the young man would change his mind. But he was too stuborn to see that he had made a big mistake. He would eventually realise what he had made. The only thing that Ducky could hope was that it won't be too late for them.
For now, he had to take care about his friend and let Tony thing about what really mattered to him.
As he entered Gibbs house he heard no sound. Gibbs was not in the living room. The first room Ducky checked was the basement where Gibbs was building his boat. He had seen him work on his boat for hours. This boat had always been like a therapy for him after each tough cases even after his divorces. He began to worry when he found noone there.
-Jethro, it's Ducky.
No answers. He climbed the stairs in a hurry. He had never thought of Gibbs as someone who could try suicide but he didn't really know what he could do after what had happened lately. He was in front of the bedroom not really sure of what he would find behind it. He had experienced fear before but today it was different for him. It had seen friends dead or hurt but Jethro was special for him. He had always been.
-Jethro, may I come in?
He pushed the door. The light from a small lamp on the nightstand made him able to see his friend sat on his bed.
-I'm here, Ducky. Come in.
Gibbs looked up at him from his position.
-I suppose Tony didn't follow you. Is he fine?
-Our Anthony is fine but I'm more worried about you, my friend. Anthony had let his anger blind him but with time he would go over it and come back.
-I don't know if I can wait for him, Ducky.
Ducky could hear that his friend was exhausted and that he wouldn't have the strenght to endure one more traumatising event.
-What are you looking at?
-Just old photographs and a letter I can't open.
-It's a bite dark here to look at photographs.
-Yeah I guess but I don't need any light to see what they paint.
Ducky had never heard him so resigned. It was not like him to give up so easily and it was surely a good sign. He was now afraid that Tony's reaction had made more damage to Gibbs' soul that he had thought.
-Can I have a look at those photographs?
-Sure they are the only ones I got from the family. Just the three of us, I burnt those where my father was. Here is Danny.
-You two had the same eyes. He seemed to be a good boy.
-He was. This night he tried to save me. He was the bravest kid I knew. It should have been me.
-It was not your fault, Jethro. You couldn't have changed anything. If you had been killed this night what do you think would have happened to your brothers? You were too young to do anything as you were unable to react differently to Tony's speech.
-What had he told you?
-Well he seemed angry but he is smart enough to see that he had made a mistake.
-I can't blame him. I should have said something to make him stay.
-Maybe but he should have understood what you were going through and stay to help you.
-Ducky, you don't understand. Tony had to hide who he really was to anyone and when he thought he had found someone he could trust, the only thing he was offered was silence.
-You don't have to defend him, Jethro. You have too many things to think about for now. Did you eat something this morning?
-Yeah but I was unable to keep it. It seems that my body doesn't want to endure more mistreatment.
-Let me examine you. You may have a concussion.
-I'm fine Ducky. I will go over it. You know me, Ducky. I just need time and everything will return to normal.
-Sure, my friend. I know you will need time to heal and I'm not talking about your physical wounds here. The thing I know is that you would need him to do that and you too are well aware of that.
-I will do without him if I have to, Ducky.
-You should phone him. You have to clear things between you. If you don't do it for yourself you have to do it for the team. You know that Tony would ask for a transfert if he thinks that you don't trust him.
-You are right Ducky. I'll do it but I don't have the strength to confronte him today.
-Now, Jethro. You can't delay that discussion. He is at his appartment. I won't let you unless you promise me to call him. You will feel better after talking to him.
Ducky could sometimes be more stubborn than himself but he had always been a precious friend.
-Give me the phone and go back to work. You wasted enough time today.
-It's never a waste of time when you do it for friends in need.
-Thanks, Ducky.
-I'll check on you later.
Gibbs was now alone in his bedroom, sat on his bed with his phone in one hand not able to convince himself that it was the thing to do. He finally dialed Tony's number and waited for the young man to answer.
-Dinozzo.
-Tony, it's Jethro. Don't hang down.
He knew what he had to do but it didn't make it easier. He wanted Tony to know that he didn't mean to hurt him but as always it was easier said than done.
-I have to apologize for what I did today. I shouldn't have reacted like that but I was surprised by what you said. I would never have guessed but it doesn't change anyhting between us.
-Finished?
-Not really I should go on like that for hours but it wouldn't change anything, would it? You made up your mind on what I thought and who I was.
-Your actions speak for you , boss. Like always.
-I owe you an explanation but not on the phone. Can I come to see you? There are things you need to know. After that you could do whatever you want to.
-I still have your car.
-I'll take a cab but I need to talk to you.
He didn't even hope that Tony would forgive him but he had to try to make things better.
-I will come to your house. I don' want you to take a cab in your state. It wouldn't be good for your back. Don't move. I'll be there in ten minutes.
-Thank you, Tony.
-I will listen. I don't know if I would be able to forgive you.
-Sure, Tony.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Lack of understanding, things left unsaid... angst issues
Chapter End Notes:
I began writing slash fic a year ago and finally decided to submit my first one. I wrote in english but I'm french so please be indulgent with the mistakes I've certainly made. I 'm open to all suggestions and advices ...
thanks for the mail you sent me!
thanks for the mail you sent me!