There had been a point in time when Tony would seriously have considered getting a tattoo, if it'd have helped him – romancing? wooing? - he really didn't know what word to use in this context, Tony thought – Abby. He'd just started at NCIS then and for the first day or so the fact that Abby was so very different from all the women he had dated until then made her seriously, seriously alluring.
The "mess with her and you're fired" stare on the other hand, that Gibbs hadn't stopped sending him for more than a week after he'd first met Abby had made it seem like less than a good idea, considering he'd just joined as a probie and could be out of NCIS faster than – well, really, really fast. In retrospect Tony clearly considered this to be a good thing. Abby was one of his best friends by now and it'd clearly, clearly not have worked between them. Not at all. Still, he had to admit, he had been seriously tempted. And he still wasn't sure just exactly what the deal with Abby and Gibbs was, not even after all these years. And there were still days when trying to figure it out would drive him almost nuts. But then, all people needed an obsession or two. And this, he thought, was one of the better ones, really. Even if he only admitted that to, well, himself.
++++++
He'd been hurt by Gibbs not telling him that the woman he'd been sent to investigate had not been a rogue weapons dealer at all, but really an ATF officer gone bad. Gibbs had known and sent him in blind. Tony didn't know why and didn't think he was ever going to ask, or discuss it with the rest of the team. Either Gibbs had not thought it important - unlikely, seeing how elaborate and carefully planned the whole trap had been - or didn't trust Tony's acting skills enough - also unlikely, since they'd been working together for years now and Gibbs *knew* what Tony could do, *knew* that Tony could pull it off. So - and this thought turned Tony slightly cold inside - maybe it wasn't his acting skills that Gibbs didn't trust, but rather Tony?
Tony shook his head and sighed. Much as his insecurities would like him to believe that, it wasn't terribly likely either - it wasn't as if he and Gibbs, or the team as a whole - had ever really *talked* about trust and their relationship, but Tony knew that the trust was there - he could feel it in the way they worked together, relied on each other, *trusted* each other. He shook his head, confused - so did it mean that Gibbs trusted him to work with incomplete information, to think on his feet and adapt to a situation quickly?
Whatever it meant from Gibbs' point of view, Tony hated, hated, *hated* going into a situation blind - and that's what this had been, really - or worse, with the wrong facts. And while this was often how things turned out due to simple necessity – them simply not having enough information - here it had been clearly unnecessary. And Tony really, really didn't like Gibbs for doing that to him right now.
So, maybe he should talk to someone about it, just to get it off his chest? But really, what good would it do - and who could he talk to about it? He wasn't in the mood for one of Ducky's stories, Abby he absolutely didn't want to bother with it - and Kate - no, definitely not Kate. He was in no mood to deal with her right now. He knew that he was more than a little responsible for the rivalry thing they had going between them, and fun though it was to tease and wind up Kate, it meant that going to her with something like this felt very unnatural.
And as to talking to The Man himself - Tony laughed ruefully and shook his head - no way. Oh, he'd get an answer all right - but he was far too afraid that he really wouldn't like the answer, whatever it was, to even seriously consider risking that.
+++++
Tony still had nightmares about that moment - the moment after Kate fell, her blood splattering across his face. He had watched Gibbs turn and scan the rooftop across from them, desperately looking for someone to shoot. In that moment, Tony had known that Kate was dead, known even before he turned to look at her. Had known from the look on Gibbs' face, from the sound the bullet had made, from the feel of the moment and the way her body fell - had just known in that certainty you sometimes have and then laugh away if it didn't come true, that cold shiver running down your back and that strange feeling that history could so easily have been different this very moment. Unfortunately, this had turned out not to be one of those times, but one where the feeling had turned out to be right, where there was nothing to laugh away with a wary look in your eyes. Kate was dead.
He knew that Gibbs still had nightmares about that moment, tooo - knew from the look in his eyes and the way he sometimes watched Ziva work at the desk that used to be Kate's. He might not be a trained profiler, as Kate had been, but there were things you just *knew* when you had worked with someone for years, no matter how closed they usually were, or how good they were at hiding things. And Gibbs was very, very good at that, Tony had to admit.
Still, he knew they were both still haunted by that day, that hour, that minute. He knew they sometimes both hated Ziva, irrationally and for nothing except the very fact that she was there, was new, wasn't *Kate*. He also knew that there would come a day when they would get over it, when Kate would fade from their minds, when the immediacy of the pain would pass. He'd lost enough people by now to know. It wouldn't be today, and it wouldn't be tomorrow, but it would happen. Life was just like that.
He also knew that neither he nor Gibbs would ever admit to their irrational dislike of Ziva - not to the team, nor to each other. And that was a good thing, really. Poor Ziva. For Tony suspected that sometimes, she knew, anyway.
+++++
He actually kind of liked the way McGee had written him in his book, Tony had to admit. Not that he'd ever let McGee know that - teasing him about it was too much fun, really, and what was the guy thinking, writing such a thinly veiled book about them and his job at NCIS? Still, while Tony didn't exactly see *himself* in the character, he liked that he seemed to project the aura of the carefree skirt-chasing comic relief sidekick kind of guy well enough for McGee to describe it so convincingly. The Tony in the book was even more of a cliché than the way Tony acted at work, of course, but seeing one's actions reflected like that was kind of - reassuring. Not that it was all a front, Tony had to admit. He pretty often really *was* the guy he wanted others to see, no acting involved. But there were times when he wasn't, when it was all pretty much an act, something to fall back upon, when it was a convenient and easy way out of an otherwise awkward situation.
And then there were those times when he really didn't like the fact that he'd been quite so skilled at building up those walls, when he hated the fact that most people had by now simply stopped trying to look beyond them and simply accepted the happy go lucky attitude and character he projected. Not that he blamed them for it - he'd rejected offers for more serious and deeper conversations and connections so often that he could not fault them for no longer trying, but still ... . He wanted people to know that there was *more* to him than he let on, no matter how much he usually tried to hide the fact that there was more to him. In a twisted way he really wanted them to know *in spite* of it all.
Tony sighed. And then some days he thought that he really was a mental case, plain and simple as that. Not that he'd let anyone know. Not that, not any of it.
+++++
It was one of those days when nothing seemed to go right. Gibbs had been gone for just over a month, the team seemed to be falling gradually apart all around him, and the dead Navy Lieutenant that had been found in Quantico last week would not yield up any clues how exactly she had ended up lying in the basement she had been found in. Ziva and Abby had been fighting over god-knows-what earlier this morning and were currently not speaking to each other, McGee was sulking about a rather thoughtless remark Tony had made about his inability to come up with anything useful from the Lieutenant's computer, Ducky had been in a bad mood since Gibbs had up and left, and the new probie – god, let's not even go there, Tony thought. He was sure Lee would make a competent agent – well, would maybe make a competent agent one day, but her weakness for going on and on about rules and regulations was really not something he had any patience for right now. And on top of all that, the Director – Jenny, he corrected himself – was as displeased as he was about the lack of results – only she had the ability to show it by telling Tony as much, whereas Tony ... didn't. Tony really had no one he could justify taking is frustrations out on.
And on top of it all Tony had the feeling that he was missing something when it came to the case. Something that was, while maybe not obvious, but not impossible to detect either. Something … something he was sure, was certain in the way you know some things about life, something that Gibbs would have seen by now.
Not that he was going to admit that to anyone. Not the team, and maybe not even to himself.
THE END
Story Notes:
I hope I got the order right!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Written as a response to a "five things ..." challenge