A day later Ducky brought Tony and Gibbs to the infant station. The whole time Tony held Gibbs‘ hand as if he feared he would go away as soon as he'd let go. Now they stood in front of the glass, Tony sitting in a wheel chair.
„She's beautiful."
„I take your word for it...what do you want to call her?"
„Kate."
Tony's answer came immidiate.
„Caitlyn Shannon."
He added and Gibbs smiled.
„That's a nice name."
He squeezed Tony's hand.
„I love you."
He felt soft lips on his knuckles so light it almost wasn't there.
„Love you, too."
Soft footsteps announced the arrival of two guests.
„Hey, somebody wants to see his sister."
Abby said and Gibbs picked up Dom carefully.
„Can you see her? What does she look like?"
„She's small...like a doll."
The two men laughed softly.
„Pa? You're not going away again, right?"
„No, Champ. I'm not going away."
He hugged his son tightly.
A week later.
Tony was released but had to take it slow. Kate was still in the hospital and Tony barely wanted to leave the infant station but on the other hand that way they had some time to adjust. The younger man watched as Gibbs walked away the house, counting steps and stairs but yet he barely had problems moving around. After Tony had put away some laundry he noticed that Gibbs wasn't in the bedroom anymore. Frowning he went through the house but then only one room was left. He took the stairs slowly, making sure he made enough sounds.
„Hey, what you're doing down here?"
„You kept her."
Gibbs turned his head into Tony's general direction.
„Of course I kept her. I have a lot of memories with her...and she's a hell lot of wood."
Gibbs grinned but it seemed like a mask. When the silence streched to long he turned away from his boat.
„Something wrong, Tony?"
„We haven't really talked about anything yet, Jethro."
Gibbs nodded and slowly walked to the workbench. Tony caught his hand somewhere on the way and lead him over.
„Where do you wanna start?"
Tony sighed and tried to find something to say that didn't sound completely pathetic.
„I really want you to come back home to us. Even if it's only for Dom..."
„I don't want to come home for Dom...no, wait, that came out the wrong way...I don't want to come home only for Dom. Tony, I really want to be your partner again. I want to be your lover, your friend, Dom and Kate's father. Tell me what I have to do so I can be all that."
Tony stood from the workbench and walk a bit into the basement. Suddenly to be close to Gibbs made him feel claustrophobic.
„I don't know, Jethro! I don't know what you have to do. All the time I keep telling myself that you're back! That our life is going to be good now. But there's this voice in my head. It tells me that I'll never have a good life. That nothing is going to be as it was. I try to feel secure again but I feel like falling and there's nothing holding me. I lie in our bed and it feels as if you aren't there. I don't feel like I did, Jethro. I want that feeling back. I want to feel home again. I want to feel alive and not just not dead."
Gibbs frowned. He wanted to stand up but he wasn't sure his feet would carry him right now.
„Tony, I don't understand..."
„Of course you don't. You weren't there. You haven't seen me..."
Gibbs could hear tears in Tony's voice and now he stood up. Slowly he approached the younger man.
„I wanted to kill myself, for God's sake! Jethro, I had the gun in my hand!"
Gibbs reached out but as his hand touched his younger lover's forearm it was pulled back.
„Never...nobody had ever such an effect on me. Nobody ever got me down like that. Not even my father. I don't want you to have such a power over me."
„So, you don't really want me to come back."
Tony closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.
„I...I don't know what I want, Jethro. On the one hand I think I don't want you back on the other hand I know that I need you. Why did you have to hurt me so much? You left me broken, Jethro...I don't know if I can make it..."
The last he said that low that Gibbs nearly didn't get it. But since he did he was there in a heart beat and grapped his partner's arms hard, not caring if he hurt him.
„Tony, do never think like that again. We will make it, got me? We have to make it. All I want to do is to come home to you and our family but we can take it slow, if that is what you want. I could ask Ducky if I can move in at his house for a while. Maybe find myself an apartment and we'll date. How does that sound?"
„Maybe that's a good idea..."
Tony said. Gibbs surpressed the tears as he realized just how much damage he had done to his partner.
„Ok...I'll just..."
He bit his lips, unsure what to with himself.
„I'll go up and call Ducky...maybe he can even pick me up..."
Tony watched the older man slowly walk up the stairs. Why was he doing that? Why was he pushing the man he loved away? He ran his hand through his hair. He didn't even make sense to himself anymore.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Everything seems to be calming down, but once they're back in reality Tony realizes that he some thinking to do first.
Chapter End Notes:
I still don't have somebody betaing this. I would have, but that would only mean that it takes even longer before I can post it. So if you find any mistakes, feel free to keep them. As usually I'm begging for feedback and thanking everybody involved in the writing process as creative help.