Chapter 2. Last hope…
Gibbs had not slept well. He had spent the night in his basement trying to convince himself he was being stupid. That he should never have thought Tony could have feelings for him.
Hope could be the best and the worst thing. It makes you go on where you have nothing else left but it can bring you down when you loose it.
And Gibbs had lost hope. The only thing he could hope for now was that Tony had not seen him follow him to the restaurant. And if he did see him; that he could understand and forgive him.
Gibbs had no excuses to follow one of his team mates like that and he didn't want to lie to Tony. But he would have no other choice if Tony decided to confront him.
It was impossible for Gibbs to tell Tony the truth about his feelings. Tony would never accept it and Gibbs would loose not only a good agent but also a friend. But what else could he do? He had never been a good liar and Tony knew him too well to believe him.
Gibbs had tried to find a solution all night but nothing had come up to his mind…nothing that could help him deal with his feelings…nothing that could make Tony forgive him for what he had done and for what he was feeling.
He was drinking a coffee when he heard someone knock on his front door. It was still early but he wanted to be at work early this morning so he could clear his mind before Tony's arrival. Someone had decided to make him change his plans.
Gibbs walked to his door his coffee still in his hands. He almost let it fall when he opened the door and saw Tony standing in front of him. The younger man was obviously not happy and Gibbs understood Tony had not driven here so early only to say hello.
Gibbs walked back to his couch waiting for Tony to follow him. He thought it would be better to let Tony talk first but the younger man was only standing in the middle of the living room, looking at him.
Gibbs could tell Tony was angry. It was clear Tony had seen him the night before. It would make things worse to pretend not to know why Tony was here.
-You could not accept it and for once, trust me when I said I would not let anything prevent me from doing my job… you had to follow me and see it by yourself…
Tony was trying to stay calm but Gibbs could see it would not last if he kept saying nothing. Apologizing would not be a good idea; he knew Tony would not accept it. He wanted explanations…explanations Gibbs didn't want to give him.
-What are you waiting for, Tony?
-Don't play that game with me, Boss. You know exactly what I want. I have the right to know why you followed me… why you don't trust me.
-I trust you, Tony.
-So why did you follow me? Why did you need to know who I was spending the night with? You had never been interested in my personal life before…What did make you change your mind?
Gibbs was looking at his hands. He could not face Tony because he knew the younger man would see the truth in his eyes. Gibbs had always been able to hide his true feelings easily. He had done it with the women he had met in the last years. He had even done it with his wife. But it was different with Tony.
-I see… I won't have answers. I guess it only leaves me with one solution. I can't work with you anymore if you don't trust me…
-Please, don't do that, Tony…
Gibbs didn't want to plea. He had never done that with anyone before. But he could not let Tony go away from him. Thinking that he could never see him or work with him again was unbearable. He had to find a way to make him stay… the truth…Tony wanted to hear the truth…
-Give me a good reason not to do it, Boss. Tell me why I should not leave…
Gibbs remained silent for a long moment before standing up and facing Tony. It was so hard for Gibbs to be so close to him and feel him so distant at the same time. He would have given anything to see some kind of understanding in Tony's eyes. But there was nothing there…except confusion.
-Because I need you…
-I'm sure you will find another agent to work with…
-I'm not talking about the job, Tony.
-What are you talking about then?
Gibbs could not blame Tony not to understand what he really meant. He could still see the confusion in the younger man's eyes. He would have liked to touch him, to place his hand on Tony's cheek. He would have liked to tell him he had nothing to be scared of…
-I'm talking about me…I need you, Tony.
-You mean…?
-Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Tony walked away from him as if he had been punched. Gibbs feared he could just leave him here and go away but Tony didn't leave the room. Gibbs knew he had to say something but he also knew no matter what he would say he had lost Tony. The younger man would never forgive him.
-I should not have followed you but I needed to know what you were trying to hide for so long. I was worried you could have problems you didn't want to talk about.
Tony turned back to face Gibbs and what the older man saw in his eyes made his heart miss a beat. Tony was angry at him but more than that there was disgust and pain in those hazel eyes.
-You thought I had …problems?
-I told you… I was only worried, Tony.
-I had no problems, Gibbs. But now I have one big problem. You can't mean what I think you mean…it's not possible…
Gibbs knew he had nothing to loose now. Tony would never accept the truth and he had already lost a friend. But if he didn't tell him the truth he would loose himself. It was clear for Gibbs now that he could not keep his feelings hidden.
-Why that, Tony? You think a man like me can't have true feelings for a man like you?
-No…Yes.
-I'm sorry if I shocked you, Tony but it's the truth. I followed you yesterday because I needed to know what was bothering you. You seemed distant and I could not stand knowing I was loosing you and do nothing about it.
-Loosing me…?
Tony walked closer to him and Gibbs could now feel the anger the younger man was trying to control. Gibbs would never have thought it would go so bad.
-Yes, Tony. I know you don't have those kinds of feelings for me and I won't do anything that could make you unease. But you wanted the truth…
Gibbs would have preferred Tony to hit him or yell at him but the younger man only laughed. This laugh broke Gibbs' heart.
-I'm not ashamed of what I feel for you…
-You should, Boss.
-I'm not, Tony. I love you and I don't see anything wrong with it.
-Don't say that, Gibbs. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to see you or work with you ever again.
Tony was now so close to Gibbs that the older man could feel the warmth of his breath on his face.
-I see. I thought you would understand…
-Understand what, Gibbs? That you're sick? Believe me I understood that very well.
Gibbs didn't want to show Tony how much he had hurt him.
-I think you'd better go now.
-That's exactly what I'm going to do. I thought I knew you, Boss. But I was wrong. I can't put in words what I think for now…
-You don't need to, Tony. It's perfectly clear. Your eyes never lied.
-But yours did…
Gibbs closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Tony leave him. He let a tear go down his cheek when he heard the door close. He knew now that he would not be able to go to work today. For the first time in his life, he knew he could not find peace in his job. He had lost his last hope.
Author's Chapter Notes:
confrontation...